Busy

The period of where I didn't want to get up to do anything lasted about a week. I had to thank nana in a away for forcing me to think about how little time Maldor had left. The constant thoughts had prompted me to call him as much as I could before the inevitable happened. That inevitable was bad enough, but what really brought me down was how quickly Naldir had followed. I hadn't even been aware that he had been sick. Apparently, his wife and children hadn't wanted to worry me. None of them expected his illness to take his life so suddenly. But it had. I had lost two sons within a span of several days, and there was little anyone could do to cheer me up. It wasn't as if cheering me up was possible anyway. I wondered if I had ever been truly cheerful since Elrunamir's passing. I might have thought I was happy, but there was that pain always underneath. It was endless and deep, and it only grew more so with each day that sped by. The number of children left to grant me temporary joy was rapidly dwindling while the number of deaths that caused my heartache mounted ever higher.

Behind the Scenes Special 4

Due to some issues giving me problems, I wasn't able to get enough material ready for a normal update today. So you'll all be getting another Behind the Scenes update today instead! It covers the last of Ellothiel's time in Riverview, her kidnapping arc, and Urelia's side story.

Starting us off is a picture I can't remember for the life of me why I took it, haha. Ellothiel doesn't do a lot of idles, so I must have found this action interesting or something. *shrug*

Riverview

It was three weeks after my return home when ada announced that the family was going to be moving.

Much to everyone's disappointment, including my own, being in the house living as normally as I could was doing nothing to help my memories. I became more familiar and aware of the things around me, but that was only because I was simply growing used to the life I was forced to be in instead of actually remembering anything. It wasn't just the house not being helpful to me that prompted the move though. Elemir had told me of how the humans were interested in my story; how they were hovering about trying to take pictures and talk to us. I was kept far away from them all. However, that made their interest stronger. Maldor still took the children to school, and ada and Eloril were making constant patrols of the yard to scare away the unwelcome visitors. It soon became too much. Ada wanted to take us somewhere quieter where we could live live with being hounded. He also wanted to bring me to a place that was closer to the elven lands.

The children, especially Ranna, weren't pleased with the announcement. They handled their disappointment and sadness with maturity though. I'm sure they were tired of the constant attention as well, and I think they didn't want to upset me since I was pretty much the whole cause for the move. I was...indifferent towards the move myself. I felt sad that my children were sad, but I continued to feel no real connection to the world around me. It really didn't matter whether we stayed or went. I simply kept on playing with Thoronton and Andethon. Taking care of them had become my main job as it was the thing that I had been the most skilled at when my parents and Eloril left me to wander about on my own to see what I could figure out. Taking care of my toddlers felt so natural. It was even better when Thoronton warmed up to me and treated me as if he had known me forever.

Blackout

I sat on my bed wondering what to do. It had been a long time, and Eloril, Maldor, and Michael had not returned. Nana and Thralas didn't show up either. I had no idea where everyone had gone or what was going to happen next. Though my head still hurt terribly and I felt unsteady on my feet, I decided to explore a little. I had grown used to the room I was in, and wanted to see more of the hospital. A quick peek down the corridor showed me that there was little else besides seats and glass doors that led to rooms appearing to be quite similar to my own. No one was in sight, although I could sense that others were about nearby. I started wandering to the right. However, I barely got anywhere. My room was on the corner, and as soon as I reached the intersection a sense of familiarity too strong to be ignored washed over me. My eyes were drawn to the room at the end of the way.

Confusion

Something bad must have happened. That was my first thought when consciousness very slowly returned to me. Everything had been so wonderful, then there was such a long period of darkness, and now there was a massive pain in my head added onto my world of darkness. I could barely make sense of anything. I was lying in a bed. My hair had been braided, but what idiot had done that? Everyone knew how much I hated having my hair tied up completely. The pain, me being in a bed, and my hair not how I liked it truly was all I could make out. I didn't have the strength to open my eyes. I figured whatever had happened to my head must have been making me rather out of sorts. Weird beeping sounds echoed from all directions while I swore I kept hearing a woman's voice in some unfamiliar language project out from the ceiling nearby. It could only be reasoned that I was dreaming. Otherwise, I was afraid to think what being in the strange place I was in meant for me.

Trapped

Consciousness came slowly. It didn't help that I didn't want to wake up. My head, my whole body actually, ached something awful. The deep, forced sleep I had been trapped in had been much more comfortable. However, there was no escaping back no matter how long I struggled to return to it. I had no choice but to lay there for who knows how long waiting as the pain slowly eased away while attempting not to panic. My mind was still working far too well to even consider pretending what had happened was all simply a dream. Silas had unexpectedly showed up not long after I called Elemir asking him to come over. I had assumed Silas merely wanted to talk to me. Then, before I had any idea what was happening, he had knocked me out. I can't recall whether it was by a drug or him hitting me in the head. It somehow feels as if he did both. Perhaps he tried to drug me, and when it took longer than he planned he resorted to force? It makes sense enough, I suppose.

As I woke up further, it was obvious I was somewhere completely foreign. I kept my eyes closed, and continued to lay there long after the pain fully subsided. It wasn't too hard to work out what had happened, but I wasn't ready to deal with it yet. It had obviously been hard enough for me to handle everything that had been going on with naneth. The last thing I had needed was to be kidnapped. I took comfort in the fact that Silas had at least brought me somewhere that felt comfortable. The bed I was resting on was softer than my one at home. Considering how much money I spent on that bed, this one surely had to be even more expensive.

Secrets, Part Two

Eloril led me upstairs and sat me down on my bed. I was in a daze, and he didn't say much of anything as I'm sure he was in shock too. He really only had ever known kindness from naneth. While he had been aware she and I weren't as close as we should be, he never could have imagined just how bad things had been for so long. The news of how she had treated me must have been a jolt to his system. It ruined the image of the ideal family he had pictured us being. My tears stopped when he sat me down, and left me to deal with naneth. I thought about our family. What was going to happen now? How was ada going to react when he found out what I had been through? I could just see it throwing a massive blast into my parents' marriage. Ada taught Eloril and I how to fight, but it was the horrible sights of the wars from his memories that prompted his dedication to make sure we could protect ourselves. Those horrible recollections had him otherwise convinced that physical reprimand was one of the most despicable actions on the planet. Ada had seen so much violence and how much damage it caused. He couldn't understand why anyone who loved their child would be so cruel as to hurt them in such a way.

That's when the little voice from before came back to me. Only this time, it was singing a different tune. I really did love naneth. Even now the thought of thinking that I didn't made my stomach churn with disgust and guilt. Somehow I still cared for her a lot, and I wanted her to care for me too. However, the little voice was whispering to me that she didn't. I fought back against it. Naneth had come all this way to see me. She had lovingly helped me deliver my son. She had told me she wanted to protect me. She had said she wanted me home.

The voice began its argument using my own words against me. I had been thinking about how ada couldn't understand how anyone who love their child would hurt them physically. Well, if my naneth didn't love me it would make sense then that she could continually whip my hands without fretting about it. Then there was everything else- all the horrible names she had called me, how she would have punished me to be alone forever if it had been her choice, and how she said she couldn't care less about me.

Rebelling

It might sound strange, but it got the point where I was so exhausted that night that I lacked the energy to even fall asleep. I don't know why I bothered to continue arguing with naneth. It was obvious nothing was going to come out of it. The noise eventually caught Eloril's attention. With Maldor having arrived, he came inside to break us apart again. I was sent to bed, and Eloril gave naneth a stern reprimanding. I hoped it would help. She's listened to him more than she's ever listened to me. I was in bed not a minute later, but like I said, my brain would not shut down. It was if all it could manage to do was keep me in the daze of a state which I entered. I was somewhere half between consciousness and unconsciousness. I would sometimes only just realize I was robotically getting out of bed to tend to Delerith and Delindir when they needed something. My body was definitely not my own. Eloril kept on being a right blessing. He popped in and out of the room to care for my youngest twins a lot like ada quietly looked after Sidhion the night he had been born. I didn't have to get up too often.

Being in that daze state must have relaxed me in some way. It dulled my headache considerably, and I "woke" up the next morning feeling as if I had some energy. I tried then to actually sleep, but it wasn't coming. I decided to get up despite the hour still being early. At least Naldir was awake as well. He had come back to the house much later than planned, but I couldn't have cared less. With all that naneth had done to upset me, my children could probably murder at this point and I would brush it off. He somehow found the the situation amusing when I explained what had gone on, but was happy he had gotten to skip out on it. I must repeat what I said last time- yes. How nice for him.

Headache

I didn't wait too long after Aewen and Alcarien's birth before becoming pregnant yet again. Of course the reason for the big gap between Maldor and Naldir was because of Aneviel, Anemir, and Anadien, but obviously I'm the only one who knows that information. I instead had to lie and make up some excuse when my older children asked me why I had waited. The gap wasn't my fault, but now I was the one having to push myself to make up for it. I had no choice but to call over Mr. Chauncey Heath despite my own wish to give myself a bit more space between children. I just had a feeling I would somehow regret it later on. However, Mr. Heath was all too willing for me to turn back or hesitate. He came over right away when I called.

Continuing On

Though I was indeed grateful Wesley's pain and agony was not lengthened unnecessarily, my heart still broke into a million pieces at his passing. My grief fully hit me several minutes after I woke up that night, and even Ranna's loud crying was lost on me. The craziness started a few more minutes after that when Maldor came to see what was going on when my daughter's crying didn't stop. I remember him alerting Elemir, Elemir freaking out, Maldor going to get Ranna, and me being almost absolutely useless. The hours until the sun rose were long indeed.

The days that followed were longer yet. The troubles I encountered were nothing new. My heart bled, I found it hard to summon the will to do much of anything, I barely slept or ate, I cried all the time, and I found myself attracted to the spots where Wesley and I would often sit and relax. However, my familiarity with such burdens did nothing to make their weight less. One of the few reliefs I had truly was that I had no doubts or regrets. Even my great heartbreak did not make me question whether or not I had done the right thing. I knew I had. The satisfaction of having had all those wonderful years helped pull me through where as the guilt I would have had if I had pushed Wesley away would have dragged me down further. My suffering was terrible, and yet I knew I would overcome it.

Letting Go

Wesley thought it was ironic.

I had preached and preached to him about being careful when going up and down the stairs. Though he hadn't said so aloud, he had been really annoyed with me treating him like a child. He had taken great care during his entire life to stay as healthy as possible, and so hadn't thought he would have to deal with his body weakening that much. It had begun to hurt constantly moving between the floors, but not bad enough to where he felt he had had to heed my warnings. He would show me he was right, was what he had thought. Now here he was in the hospital. Wesley had only fallen down a few steps. It could have been much worse, but all the tumble had accomplished was momentarily knocking him out and giving him a slight fracture in his right tibia. We should have been able to go home that same day.

Yet we couldn't. Wesley had to stay at the hospital for much longer than any of us wanted. The scans they had taken when checking for injuries due to Wesley's fall had revealed something else. Masses were growing inside him. They were small and pre-cancerous, but there was a lot of them. Multiple surgeries had to be scheduled. Wesley had to take medicine with side-effects that caused him much pain and discomfort. It was a blessing that the masses had been caught and could be taken care of before they became a real problem, but that didn't make me feel any relief. I still had to sit in that hospital for so long everyday and slowly watch more and more of Wesley wither away. I held onto him as much as I could. Honestly, it was terrifying to touch him and feel how thin and weak he was becoming, but I still couldn't let go. Seeing him in the hospital brought thoughts to my mind that his time might really be up, and I had to reassure myself he was still right next to me fighting with everything he had.

Departures

I tried not to be too surprised this time around. I knew it was going to happen the way it happened- for how it happened was how it had always happened. One minute, Elemir was an adorable little boy. The next, he had very much ceased to be a boy. In what felt like seconds he had transformed into a teenager ready to start high school and his next stage of life. And again, as always, his birthday was bittersweet. He had grown up so well, but I wished I could keep him younger for just a bit longer. I felt as if I had only had a brief moment to spend with him ever since he had been born.

Strange Dreams

I knew it would happen one day, but even still...

I was not prepared for that moment when I finally realized Wesley was old. His aging had seemed to be happening so slowly. He had steadily been acquiring more wrinkles and had been complaining about his body hurting in greater quantities, but he simply had that kind of face that stayed youthful far past the youth it showed. I took it for granted that he would always stay that way. I really was in for a rude awakening. It should have been a more subtle transition as subtle is how it happened. I just hadn't been paying attention. When I looked at Wesley before, I saw him instead of his age. What should have been obvious escaped my notice. Then the obvious became clear all at once, and I was left sad and afraid. Wesley's years on this earth and with me were coming to an end. The vast amount of time it felt we had together was now steadily slipping away from us.

Try as I might, I could not speak of my realization to Wesley. It was too hard to get the words out of my mouth. He was well aware of what I was feeling though. He was dealing with the same emotions as I was. I started noticing small changes in his behavior. He was obsessed with dying his hair so that no gray could be seen, and he would sneak pain killers when he thought I couldn't see so he could complain less about how it was getting harder to move. Longer clothing that covered his arms and legs became his preference as he wanted to hide how thin and fragile his limbs had become. The only time he wore something sleeveless was at night when we went to bed. He liked when I would run my finger along his tattoo. It became amusing to me how I had worried he would regret getting it. Now it was a calming reminder of how all this had started, how much time we had had together, and that some small piece of me would forever remain with him when his time came.

What Next?

Thankfully for Wesley and I, Lenn was amazingly behaved right from the start. He naturally did have his naughty moments where I would find him chewing away at the couch leg or using the carpet as a toilet, but once we really dug into his training those incidents disappeared almost instantly. The only thing I had left to complain about was that he was constantly underfoot. His greatest enjoyment was following everyone around. He was so small, so I was really worried one of us might accidentally step on him. I was relieved when he began to grow, and he grew fast. It didn't take long before he reached his adult size. All of us were curious as to how he would turn out appearance-wise. It is safe to say Lenn is a mutt through and through. We couldn't even identify one dog breed he could be related to as he was such a mess of all sorts of features. His look definitely wasn't conventional, but I found him adorable nonetheless.

Dwindling

I would like to say that Wesley and I resolved our issues calmly and like rational adults after we each had some time to calm down. Unfortunately, that is not at all how things went. We went through a too long period of time where we didn't even speak. After two days passed, it became that much harder to break the silence. We eventually had no choice but to do so though. The sudden tension and negative atmosphere taking over the house was really affecting the children. They had no idea what was going on, but Wesley and I being so angry caused them to become angry simply by extension. The conversations Wesley and I had were shallow. We didn't try at all to address our issues. The only positive thing to come about was that those superficial conversations did at least get us talking, and moved us one step closer towards making an actual resolution.

That stage of our fight lasted several days. Thralas had his birthday during that time. Besides Elemir, he had been the least bothered by everything going on. That thankfully meant he was able to celebrate his special day without any worries. We took him out to the store so he could pick out his birthday present, which the children seem to enjoy more rather than being surprised with things they didn't really want. Thralas picked out a horse rocker. It was placed in the corner of his room, and I've barely seen him since as he can stay on that thing for hours.