Continuing On

Though I was indeed grateful Wesley's pain and agony was not lengthened unnecessarily, my heart still broke into a million pieces at his passing. My grief fully hit me several minutes after I woke up that night, and even Ranna's loud crying was lost on me. The craziness started a few more minutes after that when Maldor came to see what was going on when my daughter's crying didn't stop. I remember him alerting Elemir, Elemir freaking out, Maldor going to get Ranna, and me being almost absolutely useless. The hours until the sun rose were long indeed.

The days that followed were longer yet. The troubles I encountered were nothing new. My heart bled, I found it hard to summon the will to do much of anything, I barely slept or ate, I cried all the time, and I found myself attracted to the spots where Wesley and I would often sit and relax. However, my familiarity with such burdens did nothing to make their weight less. One of the few reliefs I had truly was that I had no doubts or regrets. Even my great heartbreak did not make me question whether or not I had done the right thing. I knew I had. The satisfaction of having had all those wonderful years helped pull me through where as the guilt I would have had if I had pushed Wesley away would have dragged me down further. My suffering was terrible, and yet I knew I would overcome it.

I have grown to hate funerals after all these years of watching those I love the most pass away, but Wesley's funerals was one of the times where the gathering bolstered me instead of reminding me of what I had lost. I suppose this had somewhat to do with the fact that it was not yet another one of my children who had died. Thus, seeing all my current children mourning Wesley didn't hurt me the way watching them mourn one of their siblings normally did. There was bit more distance to cover for me to recall the connection that the days will come where I'll eventually grieve for every other person in the room.

The funeral also meant I got to see Amonost and Adonnen again after so long. Seeing their slightly aged faces and hearing of their families back home made me fully realize just how long Wesley had lived and how long we had to known each other. It was mostly just having them around again to hold and hear words of comfort from that was the true joy though. Like Raine was a reminder of how strongly my little Elaril continued on, Amonost and Adonnen showed me Wesley would never be gone either. Through our children, he had become immortal in his own way.

And, naturally, there was Elemir as well who would continue on his legacy. Wesley's funeral ended and the days began to pass, and it dawned on me with a bit of horror and sadness that Elemir was hurting even more than I. Wesley really had been so old, but he had beat the odds and stayed so healthy for so long. We never expected he would deteriorate at the pace which he did. I knew he wouldn't live to see Elemir get married or have children of his own, but I assumed with such surety that he would at least get to see his son graduate from high school. That he left before he could be there for that day was a great pain on Elemir's heart. He was the one who was furious that his father would not be around for the most important events in his life. He was the one who had regrets and was unsatisfied. Naturally, this led to Elemir having a lot of anger stored within his chest. It certainly wasn't a few times I would walk down the stairs to catch the sounds of Elemir going off at Maldor again. The smallest wrong word or annoying action set him off at his brother. I told Maldor it would probably be better if he moved to another room. There was two whole rooms that were barely ever used. Surprisingly, Maldor refused. He told me I only was seeing the most obvious side of the situation. Elemir was actually relying on Maldor a lot for comfort, and the two of them talked about everything more than they fought. Though I still didn't like the shouting, it was a relief to hear Maldor was being patient with his brother and helping him to get his negative emotions out.

Elemir was still grieving as we all were when his graduation day finally came about, but by that point he had accepted what had happened. The ceremony also was much happier than we anticipated. Elemir's friends pooled together their spare tickets for the ceremony to allow more of Elemir's siblings to attend than the max of three or four we could normally bring along. The principal requested as always for families not to cheer when their child's name was called, but we cheered anyway. Elemir attended a party after the ceremony at the house of one of his classmates. I then made him tear up when he returned for I gave him something unexpected- a graduation present from Wesley. It was a watch Wesley's grandfather had given to his father before his father gave it to him. The watch technically should have been given to Amonost, but Wesley had told me when the twins had been born that he had had a feeling he needed to hold onto it. When he gave me it when we realized he was fading, Wesley pointed out how right it was to give the heirloom to Elemir instead. Wesley wanted it to be a reminder that, though Elemir was not born to help fulfill the task, it did not mean he was no less special or important.

I believe giving Elemir that watch assisted him in making up his mind about what he wanted to do with his life. He had admitted before that he really didn't the slightest idea as to what he should do, but his sudden determination to be a doctor glowed brightly from within him after that day. If he could help keep even just one beloved person with their family instead of them feeling what he had to feel, then he would be happy his entire life. Of course, as a doctor he could prevent their grieving of many people. With his goal set, Elemir found a nice place near the hospital and took his leave to begin his dream.

Ranna's birthday brought back a very familiar emotion- one of bittersweetness. I was thrilled as I had been to have another daughter to take care of. Her heart and smile free of pain and sadness was a welcoming beacon of joy against the still stormy clouds plaguing my own heart. It was wonderful to feel true happiness radiating from at least one person in the house. Then there was the bitter side of it all. Wesley hadn't gotten to hold her that much. He had barely been alive for twelve hours of her life. She would not know of him other than through the stories we would tell. The amazing presence Wesley had been for so many of my other children would not be there for her. JC was willing to come around and see her every now and again, but it was clear he wouldn't be that strong male role model for her that Wesley would've been.

With Elemir having left, I began to notice Maldor cheering up considerably. I was sure it was because he could focus on himself instead of consoling his brother. I wasn't as sure though whether Maldor decided to suddenly spend a lot of time at the gym was a part of his recovery process or if it was just a plain desire of his. He had told me he wanted to become a police officer in the future, so perhaps it was a bit of both reasonings. Whatever the case, Maldor was definitely getting a decent head-start for his future. When I said he spent a lot of time at the gym I really meant he spent a lot of time at the gym. He would go there straight from school, and we generally wouldn't see him until around dinnertime. It became amusing as Maldor would teasingly brag and showoff his muscles to Naldir who, for whatever reason, thought they looked creepy.

I finally got around to writing Eloril back. His last letter hadn't been exactly...cheerful. Not that he said anything in a depressing or angry manner. He just barely wrote anything at all. It was clear he was disappointed and confused at my rejection of his visit, and wasn't sure what to say back to it. I made sure to apologize in my letter, tell him I really did want him to come, and that he was now free to come whenever he liked. I still made no effort to explain why I had wrote what I wrote previously, but some part of me was determined that if they truth had to come out then I would deal with the situation in person. I didn't want to hide from it as I had wanted to do before.

My hand began to get a cramp from holding the pen as I studiously thought over my words before carefully writing them out, so I looked up to glance at the door that led to Wesley's first floor bedroom. Naldir, who was next to me doing his homework, eventually asked what I was doing when I ended up staring at the door for far too long. I simply shook my head, said "Nothing", and returned to my writing. I was still debating on what to do with the bedroom. Replacing the windows and knocking down the walls to add the arches back so we could return the space to how it had been before seemed far too unrealistic of an effort. I had mixed feelings about leaving the room as it was though. Sometimes I enjoyed going in there. Lying on Wesley's bed made it feel as if I was still lying there with him. Other times I couldn't stand to go close to it for the memories of how much time we had spent in there struck my heart anew with grief.

After considering the options for a while longer, I decided just to leave the bedroom as is for the moment. I didn't want to force a chance until I was sure about what I wanted to do.

And, as the days passed life became, dare I say, normal again. The slow weeks turned to fast weeks. Life continued on as it was supposed to. Pain lingered, but it didn't take much to feel happy again. I had so little other to do now besides tending to my garden and Ranna. I would be up in that nursery for hours on end. Ranna was a joy to teach, and with me being able to spend vast amounts of quality time with her she learned quickly. It was wonderful and amazing to hear her first words and watch as she took her first steps.

However, there were times when I grew horribly, horribly bored. I was unsure what to do with all my newfound time. Maldor and Naldir were gone most of the day what with having to go to school and being involved in various activities. That left me only Ranna and Lenn to deal with, and soon I discovered my hours of freedom were steadily growing. I had time to do what I actually wanted. I brought out my old martial arts equipment and began practicing again. It took me a while to get back up to where I had been before I began slacking off, but I had earned the next belt level before I knew it. The new brown belt and outfit I was allowed to wear wasn't my most favorite coloring, but it was exciting to finally be only just one level below the highest honor I could earn. I kept working hard so I could reach it one day.

With the days flying by, the summer was almost over. I made sure Maldor and Naldir had their schedules open so we could make it to the beach one last time. None of us were really in the mood for swimming, but we had a very enjoyable time nonetheless. Lenn was excited at having been brought along, and Maldor kept him running all over the place as they played fetch. I laughed at the several times Maldor pretended to throw the stick when he did it. Lenn would rush about like crazy in fascination when the stick suddenly "reappeared" in Maldor's hand. Naldir was more interested in playing in the sand. He tried to build a massive pile to see how tall he could get the sand to go. However, the sand was so dry that the window kept blowing the top away. Naldir kept at it though. Ranna didn't like both the water and the sand, but was content to stay in my arms and watch her brothers and the other beach-goers have their fun.

I thought to bring along a picnic lunch this time. It was only some basic hotdogs and hamburgers I had thought to whip up shortly before our departure, but Maldor and Naldir devoured them as if I had presented them a feast. That I had prepared so much was a good thing. The two of them east just do darn much. It was calming to sit there and have that time to get a quality conversation in with my boys. They had much to tell me about what with all their activities going on. Among other things, Maldor mentioned how a few of his friends had started going to the gym with him and Naldir talked about the pots his class was making in art.

That one day really did turn out to be the last day we had the chance to go to the beach. Well, at least while the weather was nice. There was plenty of chances where we had time to make the trip, but of course with the autumn bringing in colder weather that wasn't going to happen. It felt like the change of seasons came on rapidly. I woke up one morning to find my garden absolutely littered with fallen leaves. It was if somehow had taken bags of the stuff and dumped it all over our yard. For the most part, I didn't bother trying to rake much of them up. The decaying leaves provided good fertilizer for the plants, and I've found over the years it's easier to wait until spring to rake up what leaves are left in the spring.

I was glad I had thought to give myself a reminder to continue the task by marking the calendar back when Ranna was born. With so little to do and so much time, I stopped paying as much attention to the world around me as I used to. I hadn't had such an easy time keeping up with everything since back when Ithilas, Eleme, and I first moved to Twinbrook. Having hours to myself meant it wasn't that hard to find and subtly seduce the father of my next child- Mr. Stephan Aponte. We had bumped into each other around time then and again, and it didn't take too long after I gently nudged the idea of what I wanted to do in his direction for him to go along with my want.

After that, time flew faster yet. So little that would be worthy to note happened. The first real big event I can talk about is Maldor's birthday. With all of his hard work, he was already well on his way to becoming a police officer. The station was all too eager to hire him, and he began studying diligently for the tests they would put him through. I was happy he chose to stay at home for about a month after graduation so he could focus solely on preparing himself, but we did have to say our goodbyes after that month was up and he left to join Elemir at his place.

With Maldor's departure, time flew by faster still. The signs of my pregnancy were already there, and it felt liked I blinked and the doctors were telling me I was carrying twin girls. I was happy to hear the news. Goddess knows the house could certainly do with a bit more stuffing. Naldir began calling our home "The Castle" because he had so many empty room to do with what he pleased. He enjoyed the emptiness, but I began to feel lonely. I'm not accustomed to being surrounded by so few people anymore. It's why I began gently forcing Naldir away from his friends so he could spend more time with me. Even if we did something I didn't enjoy, like playing chess, I needed the company.

As I mentioned before, I didn't do much about the leaves in our yard. Our maid was aghast that I would just leave them be though. I simply shrugged. No one ever bothered to clean the lands of them back home. It would be a ridiculous thing to even attempt, which is why having the yard a mess of leaves doesn't bother me unlike our neighbors who can't stand to have a single one dirtying up their precious, manicured grass. I never understood why they felt like their yards had to be so well kept. I suppose it is simply for the sake of having things be neat, but what's wrong with just letting nature be? I mean, I do make sure our yard is mowed, but that's as much as I care. The maid really did care though. She began raking the leaves into piles once she finished her normal duties. I laughed, and was a bit proud as I had demanded the yard be left as it was, when Naldir innocently destroyed all her hard work by jumping into the piles and tossing the leave everywhere as he played. The maid wasn't happy. She raked the leaves yet again, and I merely smiled.

Naldir's leaf jumping would soon come to an end. His birthday shifted his interest to other things- mostly video games. As usual, I tried not complain as much as long as his work was done and he did make a point to go outside or get some exercise everyday. 

Then...seriously nothing else of interest happened until it came time for me to give birth to my baby girls. My labor started mid-morning, and Aewen and Alcarien were born around three in the afternoon. The girls came out belting, and continued their crying for a good hour afterwards. Both of them had to be fed right away. After that, it was one thing following another until they finally calmed and quieted. It was a good thing to for I thought my head was going to explode from the headache I had. I settled them down for their first sleep, and got a moment of calm to think.

Ranna would never know Wesley, but she got to meet him. Aewen and Alcarien were my first children who would never even know his touch. It was hard not to be saddened again, yet I kept my spirits high. I truly was alright. I would always wish Wesley could return to my side, but I had adjusted back to how things had been before well enough. I would go on to grieve for just a bit longer, but I was content to know that life was continuing with joy as it should......