Headache

I didn't wait too long after Aewen and Alcarien's birth before becoming pregnant yet again. Of course the reason for the big gap between Maldor and Naldir was because of Aneviel, Anemir, and Anadien, but obviously I'm the only one who knows that information. I instead had to lie and make up some excuse when my older children asked me why I had waited. The gap wasn't my fault, but now I was the one having to push myself to make up for it. I had no choice but to call over Mr. Chauncey Heath despite my own wish to give myself a bit more space between children. I just had a feeling I would somehow regret it later on. However, Mr. Heath was all too willing for me to turn back or hesitate. He came over right away when I called.

Continuing On

Though I was indeed grateful Wesley's pain and agony was not lengthened unnecessarily, my heart still broke into a million pieces at his passing. My grief fully hit me several minutes after I woke up that night, and even Ranna's loud crying was lost on me. The craziness started a few more minutes after that when Maldor came to see what was going on when my daughter's crying didn't stop. I remember him alerting Elemir, Elemir freaking out, Maldor going to get Ranna, and me being almost absolutely useless. The hours until the sun rose were long indeed.

The days that followed were longer yet. The troubles I encountered were nothing new. My heart bled, I found it hard to summon the will to do much of anything, I barely slept or ate, I cried all the time, and I found myself attracted to the spots where Wesley and I would often sit and relax. However, my familiarity with such burdens did nothing to make their weight less. One of the few reliefs I had truly was that I had no doubts or regrets. Even my great heartbreak did not make me question whether or not I had done the right thing. I knew I had. The satisfaction of having had all those wonderful years helped pull me through where as the guilt I would have had if I had pushed Wesley away would have dragged me down further. My suffering was terrible, and yet I knew I would overcome it.

Letting Go

Wesley thought it was ironic.

I had preached and preached to him about being careful when going up and down the stairs. Though he hadn't said so aloud, he had been really annoyed with me treating him like a child. He had taken great care during his entire life to stay as healthy as possible, and so hadn't thought he would have to deal with his body weakening that much. It had begun to hurt constantly moving between the floors, but not bad enough to where he felt he had had to heed my warnings. He would show me he was right, was what he had thought. Now here he was in the hospital. Wesley had only fallen down a few steps. It could have been much worse, but all the tumble had accomplished was momentarily knocking him out and giving him a slight fracture in his right tibia. We should have been able to go home that same day.

Yet we couldn't. Wesley had to stay at the hospital for much longer than any of us wanted. The scans they had taken when checking for injuries due to Wesley's fall had revealed something else. Masses were growing inside him. They were small and pre-cancerous, but there was a lot of them. Multiple surgeries had to be scheduled. Wesley had to take medicine with side-effects that caused him much pain and discomfort. It was a blessing that the masses had been caught and could be taken care of before they became a real problem, but that didn't make me feel any relief. I still had to sit in that hospital for so long everyday and slowly watch more and more of Wesley wither away. I held onto him as much as I could. Honestly, it was terrifying to touch him and feel how thin and weak he was becoming, but I still couldn't let go. Seeing him in the hospital brought thoughts to my mind that his time might really be up, and I had to reassure myself he was still right next to me fighting with everything he had.

Departures

I tried not to be too surprised this time around. I knew it was going to happen the way it happened- for how it happened was how it had always happened. One minute, Elemir was an adorable little boy. The next, he had very much ceased to be a boy. In what felt like seconds he had transformed into a teenager ready to start high school and his next stage of life. And again, as always, his birthday was bittersweet. He had grown up so well, but I wished I could keep him younger for just a bit longer. I felt as if I had only had a brief moment to spend with him ever since he had been born.

Strange Dreams

I knew it would happen one day, but even still...

I was not prepared for that moment when I finally realized Wesley was old. His aging had seemed to be happening so slowly. He had steadily been acquiring more wrinkles and had been complaining about his body hurting in greater quantities, but he simply had that kind of face that stayed youthful far past the youth it showed. I took it for granted that he would always stay that way. I really was in for a rude awakening. It should have been a more subtle transition as subtle is how it happened. I just hadn't been paying attention. When I looked at Wesley before, I saw him instead of his age. What should have been obvious escaped my notice. Then the obvious became clear all at once, and I was left sad and afraid. Wesley's years on this earth and with me were coming to an end. The vast amount of time it felt we had together was now steadily slipping away from us.

Try as I might, I could not speak of my realization to Wesley. It was too hard to get the words out of my mouth. He was well aware of what I was feeling though. He was dealing with the same emotions as I was. I started noticing small changes in his behavior. He was obsessed with dying his hair so that no gray could be seen, and he would sneak pain killers when he thought I couldn't see so he could complain less about how it was getting harder to move. Longer clothing that covered his arms and legs became his preference as he wanted to hide how thin and fragile his limbs had become. The only time he wore something sleeveless was at night when we went to bed. He liked when I would run my finger along his tattoo. It became amusing to me how I had worried he would regret getting it. Now it was a calming reminder of how all this had started, how much time we had had together, and that some small piece of me would forever remain with him when his time came.

What Next?

Thankfully for Wesley and I, Lenn was amazingly behaved right from the start. He naturally did have his naughty moments where I would find him chewing away at the couch leg or using the carpet as a toilet, but once we really dug into his training those incidents disappeared almost instantly. The only thing I had left to complain about was that he was constantly underfoot. His greatest enjoyment was following everyone around. He was so small, so I was really worried one of us might accidentally step on him. I was relieved when he began to grow, and he grew fast. It didn't take long before he reached his adult size. All of us were curious as to how he would turn out appearance-wise. It is safe to say Lenn is a mutt through and through. We couldn't even identify one dog breed he could be related to as he was such a mess of all sorts of features. His look definitely wasn't conventional, but I found him adorable nonetheless.

Dwindling

I would like to say that Wesley and I resolved our issues calmly and like rational adults after we each had some time to calm down. Unfortunately, that is not at all how things went. We went through a too long period of time where we didn't even speak. After two days passed, it became that much harder to break the silence. We eventually had no choice but to do so though. The sudden tension and negative atmosphere taking over the house was really affecting the children. They had no idea what was going on, but Wesley and I being so angry caused them to become angry simply by extension. The conversations Wesley and I had were shallow. We didn't try at all to address our issues. The only positive thing to come about was that those superficial conversations did at least get us talking, and moved us one step closer towards making an actual resolution.

That stage of our fight lasted several days. Thralas had his birthday during that time. Besides Elemir, he had been the least bothered by everything going on. That thankfully meant he was able to celebrate his special day without any worries. We took him out to the store so he could pick out his birthday present, which the children seem to enjoy more rather than being surprised with things they didn't really want. Thralas picked out a horse rocker. It was placed in the corner of his room, and I've barely seen him since as he can stay on that thing for hours.