Two Futures

I woke up during the middle of the night. It hardly surprised me seeing as I hadn't slept a full night through in years. At first, it had been because of the crying. There was still the occasional crying, but mostly it was now habit that kept me jumping in and out of consciousness. I actually didn't mind the disturbances. For so long now I had felt at peace and didn't need much sleep to feel rested. Being able to lie there and enjoy the calm of the silent night was a nice thing to look forward too as well. How could I complain about having Laril snuggled up against me as he slept on? I was rather annoyed when he went ahead and moved back onto his own side. Laril was an active sleeper. He rarely stayed in one spot for long.

The End

~Eloril~

I was able to remain oblivious to the commotion for a little while. After finally getting the opportunity to raise two of my own children, who could be very delightful, zoning in an out at the appropriate moments had been a skill I had quickly picked up. Letting my mind wander was even easier to accomplish considering the fact that I was also rather tired. I lazily flipped to the next page in my book. The words were barely sinking in, but the half-hearted skimming I was doing was a much needed distraction. If only it had been a strong enough distraction. The commotion got so much louder that I couldn't ignore it any longer.

100

I don't know how I managed to function over the next several weeks. Mustering up the courage to call Mr. Finley back that one evening had been a nightmare. Blessedly, he had been understanding even though he rightfully remained displeased with my behavior. I promised him such a situation would never occur again- whenever the moment came for us to try once more did occur again. I began to think that that moment would never actually arrive. The truth is that I was barely keeping my head above the surface of the bottomless pool of depression in which I was currently treading. It was just when I was starting to get a grip after Ranna's death when more bad news came. Alcarien had passed away too. Then it felt like the next day Aewen was also gone. Delerith followed shortly after. It seemed to me as if time had decided to stand entirely still, but in reality it was moving so much faster than I wanted to admit. I started to hate answering the phone. I know the children hated to hear it ringing.

Busy

The period of where I didn't want to get up to do anything lasted about a week. I had to thank nana in a away for forcing me to think about how little time Maldor had left. The constant thoughts had prompted me to call him as much as I could before the inevitable happened. That inevitable was bad enough, but what really brought me down was how quickly Naldir had followed. I hadn't even been aware that he had been sick. Apparently, his wife and children hadn't wanted to worry me. None of them expected his illness to take his life so suddenly. But it had. I had lost two sons within a span of several days, and there was little anyone could do to cheer me up. It wasn't as if cheering me up was possible anyway. I wondered if I had ever been truly cheerful since Elrunamir's passing. I might have thought I was happy, but there was that pain always underneath. It was endless and deep, and it only grew more so with each day that sped by. The number of children left to grant me temporary joy was rapidly dwindling while the number of deaths that caused my heartache mounted ever higher.

Memory Lane, Part Two

You can believe I was even more exhausted and irritable after the flight to China. I don't know how Eloril continued to have what seemed like limitless energy, but I supposed he had more drive and purpose towards all the traveling. He was determined to do what he could to help me remember. I was more nonchalant about the whole thing. It was like what Eloril told me in Appaloosa Plains. I had to let myself relax and not force my brain into chaos. If there was anything more that was going to come back, it would come back when it was ready. I was pulled out of my bad mood again though when the visit to China turned out to be a lot of fun. Eloril and I spent most of our time outside of the main town. We went to this sort of sanctuary area where the desire to meditate proved strangely strong. I was somehow able to tell Eloril the proper way to fully let oneself float away, and he picked up the skill pretty quickly. The two of us sat there for a good long while. It was that hour or so that really helped me calm down and regain focus.

Letting Go

Wesley thought it was ironic.

I had preached and preached to him about being careful when going up and down the stairs. Though he hadn't said so aloud, he had been really annoyed with me treating him like a child. He had taken great care during his entire life to stay as healthy as possible, and so hadn't thought he would have to deal with his body weakening that much. It had begun to hurt constantly moving between the floors, but not bad enough to where he felt he had had to heed my warnings. He would show me he was right, was what he had thought. Now here he was in the hospital. Wesley had only fallen down a few steps. It could have been much worse, but all the tumble had accomplished was momentarily knocking him out and giving him a slight fracture in his right tibia. We should have been able to go home that same day.

Yet we couldn't. Wesley had to stay at the hospital for much longer than any of us wanted. The scans they had taken when checking for injuries due to Wesley's fall had revealed something else. Masses were growing inside him. They were small and pre-cancerous, but there was a lot of them. Multiple surgeries had to be scheduled. Wesley had to take medicine with side-effects that caused him much pain and discomfort. It was a blessing that the masses had been caught and could be taken care of before they became a real problem, but that didn't make me feel any relief. I still had to sit in that hospital for so long everyday and slowly watch more and more of Wesley wither away. I held onto him as much as I could. Honestly, it was terrifying to touch him and feel how thin and weak he was becoming, but I still couldn't let go. Seeing him in the hospital brought thoughts to my mind that his time might really be up, and I had to reassure myself he was still right next to me fighting with everything he had.

One Special Day

It was the knocking on the door that woke me up. Obviously one of my children wanted to come in, but opening my eyes was much harder than I anticipated. It felt like I had been sleeping for an eternity even though it had been quite difficult to actually fall asleep. The back pain caused by my pregnancy had just hurt that badly. The knocking came again- louder this time. As I wearily sat up, I very vaguely noticed I was not wearing the same clothes I had gone to bed in. My stomach had grown too big for my normal night dress, but for whatever reason it was what I was clothed in.

And, my stomach was its usual size. I started to panic and feel terror as I wondered if I had somehow lost the baby while sleeping. However, there was no sign that such a thing had happened. Even if it had, there was no way my stomach could have shrunken so drastically in a mere few hours.

Treachery

As I feared, the birth of Lomenia, Lithaldoren, and Lueth made an extension to the house more than necessary. We would have had to get rid of everything in the living room to otherwise accommodate them. I thought our family was going to face a huge setback for our goal of returning home. Blessedly, the extension did not cost nearly as much as I anticipated. My older children chipped in yet again, and we also received a large amount of money from another source. I told Elioviel and Morti not to leave me anything. They had to worry about their own children instead. However, despite the many times I told them I did not want money left to me in their wills they went ahead with doing just that. It was frustrating, but with how badly I needed the money I could not decline their offer of love.

On a completely different note, I realized something interesting after the triplets and I worked out some semblance of a schedule for them where I could get more sleep. This is the first time since it was only Elrunamir and Ureliel where the children I've birthed for this task have been equal in numbers for both genders. I've now given birth to 32 boys and 32 girls.

The Goddess' Order 1 Year Anniversary Behind the Scenes Special!

I feel like Ellothiel right now.

Can it really have been this long already? A year has gone by? It feels as if it's taken forever, but also as if I've only just begun. It's hard to believe I'm more than halfway through the challenge. It's also a bit sad. Doing this challenge has become such a big part of my life that I don't know what I'm going to do when it ends. Another challenge, yeah, but it will never be the same. I'll never get attached to another Sim project like how I've grown attached to The Goddess' Order. It will be special. I probably won't ever be able to leave it alone. Perhaps for each anniversary, or whenever I feel like it, a bit more of Ellothiel's life will be presented to you. I'm sure I have enough creative juices left in me to always find a new story of hers to tell. I'll get lonely without her if I let her go entirely.

That's the future though. Ellothiel still has a lot more to tell you, and many more babies to give birth to. You're stuck with her and me for a little bit longer. And so, in honor of our one year anniversary, I've decided to make this post. There were many ideas I considered, none of which I will tell you in case I decide to do them later. I don't want to spoil anything. What you will be getting is a a behind the scenes look at the lovely Sims of The Goddess' Order. Things go wrong in-game more often than you would think, or otherwise the Sims are just odd. There are also some things I think would be interesting to share, but would weird to include in the storyline.

So here we go, your first look at what happens when you glance your eyes away!

Compromise

I thought the wait during the past two weeks to hear of my sister's fate was the worst waiting I would ever have to suffer through. However, the mere two days I had to wait for ada and Ellothiel's return proved to be much more frustrating. Two days was how long ada said it would take for them to travel back to Aurora Skies.

When ada told me he had found Ellothiel alive, I was so very glad. I was even more glad that Garthon and Rieldir were not around because I began to cry from relief. It was not simply a few tears that flowed down my cheeks, but I cried with such an intensity that I have not since when I was a young child. The tears that I've held back through this mess in favor of appearing strong to comfort the others flowed out all in that one moment.

Ada had even more good news for me. Ellothiel was doing better than either of us could have believed. She wouldn't say anything other than that she was able to talk to someone who gave her the encouragement she needed to find enough meaning to want to keep living. Ada says there remains a bit of chill on her skin, yet she can smile, and perhaps more importantly, gather the strength to handle her grief.

It was in some woods where ada found Ellothiel. They went to the nearest town to buy a charger for her phone, and we now resting in a hotel. They rented a long-distance taxi, but even by car the journey would still take at least two days. I let Garthon and Rieldir know the news as soon as they got home. I think they are still somewhat bitter at how Ellothiel was treating them, but they want things to just return to normal as much as I do. They were quietly excited at the prospect of finally having their mother home.

Unfortunately, because they have some kind of mandatory tests going on at school, I wasn't able to call them in sick so that they could wait with Elioviel and I on the day ada and Ellothiel were due to return. I got Eli ready for the day, and we waited on the steps all morning.

The Search

I should have known.

I should have known something was wrong when Ellothiel didn't come back by her normal time. While it might be that she rarely eats anything anymore, she at least manages to find her way back here by lunch. However, noon came and went with no sign of her. I was too stupid to notice until I started clearing up the plates. It's just been so hard keeping my thoughts straight and coherent lately.

The grief lingering in my heart is quite unlike what I felt the last time I was here. I met Elrunamir and Ureliel when they were already so far along in their lives. Their passing hurt of course, but that pain was nothing like what struck my chest when I saw the lifeless body of the little girl I'd helped teach to walk and talk limp in Garthon's arms. There's no wiping the memory of her blood soaked face out of my memory.

Then there is Ellothiel. I have no choice but to watch her grow paler, grow weaker every day. Last time I was able to comfort her. This time there's no way I ever could. As badly as I want to ignore the truth, the truth is that it's now Ellothiel's decision alone whether she will live or not- and I fear she's leaning towards not.

Gone

I wonder if there's something wrong with Zuri. Not that she's been sick or upset lately or anything like that, but she has recently been coming into my room every night to sleep next to me on the bed even though all I ever do is ignore her. I don't understand why she has seemingly become so attached to me. I suppose it's a good thing though that Eloril adopted a dog who is so accepting and full of love instead of a completely anti-social one. Zuri has also stopped chewing away at my furniture, so that's good too.

Leaving the Nest

I am glad that someone has inherited my mother's artistic talents. It is good that I have taken up writing for Elaril is constantly attached to the easel. He can finish paintings much faster than I can. Of course, his works are still that of a child's, but it won't be too much longer before they are brilliant. Maybe I can save one of his paintings some day, and bring it back with me when I return home. I'm sure my mother would like that very much. I would as well for Elaril will be long dead before such a time comes. That painting will be all I have to remember him by......

I try not to think of that cold reality.

Imagination

Everyday my children do something surprising- sometimes even before I have the chance to properly wake up. This morning it was Ureliel causing the situation. I hadn't even changed out of my nightclothes yet. I was heading to the bathroom to shower when I found her suddenly sprinting out the front door in her pajamas! I brought her inside right away, and asked why she was so shaken up. Ureliel told me she thought there were monsters under her bed. She said she checked and saw some, which was why she bolted out of the house. I looked under the bed with her to show her there was nothing. There wasn't even a lost sock. I could tell she was embarrassed so I haven't mentioned the matter any further.

Growing Older

I can't believe it, but Elrun's birthday came once again. He's now an adolescent, or "teenager" as his age group is more popularly called here. Either way, this birthday of his has left me a bit scared. Firstly because his body is going through rapid changes, and it is likely he'll become more rebellious and troublesome. He's already begun to wear a jacket that has a skull on the back. I won't judge too quickly though. Elrun has given me no reason otherwise to think he'll become a troublemaker. He's still the same sweet boy I know.

What I'm actually more scared of is the reality that my first baby will leave after his next birthday. He'll be all grown up, and will move out. I don't understand how human mothers deal with the rapid growth of their children. I've said it before, but if Elrun was a full elf he would still be crawling around as a very young toddler. He hasn't stated his intentions as to what he wants to do when he becomes an adult, but I hope he stays close by.

It is nice that he's able to help out around the house more. Our trash receptacle keeps getting knocked over again and again by stray animals. Elrun is quick to clean up the mess, and he's eager to help look after his siblings so I can rest or get other work done. Elrun has made me almost cry once although not for any of the reasons you might be thinking. Even though he's busy with school and helping me out, he went and got a part-time job at the local food store. Elrun said he got the job because he wanted to and that it would be good work experience in the future. I know it's because he doesn't want us to have to worry about money ever again. Ureliel and Elaril won't seem the same struggles that Elrun has, and he seems determined to keep it that way.

A Blessing

With this entire task, and the way things have been going for me so far, I never thought I would catch a break. I work hard, but as soon as I get enough money to feel comfortable some new necessity comes along to leave us destitute. I don't understand why everything revolves around money for you humans. We have no real need for a currency back home. Everyone works because they want to make each others' lives better. With everyone helping out, there's little left that requires money to be bought. If anything, we rely more on trading. It seems as if such a peaceful system will never be achieved here. Humans are too greedy. They want too much, and are never satisfied with the riches that they already have. Unfortunately, I have found my thoughts revolving around money constantly as well though.

So I made a wish. I might not have felt great love for the Goddess lately, but she is not an evil being who takes pleasure out of her people's suffering. I believed that she would find a way to help me.

Simple Joys

I don't think it has struck me until this day of just how much time has past since I left home. Some days it feels as if I have only just left, and on others I wonder if that life was nothing but a dream. Then I look at the child in front of me. Elrun's birthday has come, and he aged up into a beautiful little boy.

It was strange to me to see how fast he has grown. I know all parents think their children grow up too fast, but it is especially true in my case. If Elrunamir was a full elf, he would still be a newborn. By the time he reaches adulthood, this supposed elf counterpart of his would still be a toddler. It scares me to think that one day will come where he will be an old man while I will look no older than I do today. He will pass before me. All children I bear here will. I wish there could be something I could do to change that, but reality is cruel. Perhaps having to watch the children that I love slowly pass into oblivion is even crueler than this entire task.

I still have no money to buy Elrun some more toys. He says he is fine with the teddy bear and Lala, but I'm not fine with it. When I think back to my own childhood and how much I had, I can't help but to feel as if I'm failing miserably. My stomach has also gotten much larger. The next child will be arriving soon, and things will only get harder. I am going to do all that I can though. Our situation might be tough at the moment, but someday luck will fall upon us.

The Unthinkable

Elrun and I took another walk out to the park. Well, one of the parks. There are many in the town- each designed for a certain animal for residents to bring their pets to. Sometimes there will be people about, and other times there will be no one in sight. That day the park was fairly full of people. It was also a beautiful morning with Elrun and I had both having slept peacefully, so I was feeling pretty good.

However, that trip to the park also showed me something troublesome. I set Elrun on the ground to play with the two other toddlers that were there. I kept an eye on him, but I also made the acquaintance of three men. Through some subtle hints, I got them to reveal their relationship status. All three of them were married. It dawned on me that this town had a distinct lack of men suitable for assisting me on this task. How would I ever continue onward like this? I would never make it home if I kept on having such terrible luck. That was when the most horrible thought came into my head.

I might have to seduce them anyway.

I quickly tried to throw the thought out of my mind, but it would not be gotten rid of. It lingered, catching me off guard the second I let my mind relax. It tried to rationalize itself. It would make me think of my family, my land, and my people. Depressing visions of me being doomed to wander forever here flashed across my eyes. "You'll have to do it at some point," the dark thoughts whispered to me, "These men will go to other women anyway. You might as well take your chance. If they are willing to give themselves away so easily, then you can't really be blamed..."

I fought with my own mind all day. Elrun was well-behaved and went to bed quickly, but by the time I placed myself down to go to sleep, I felt as if I had been awake for a hundred years. I found sleep somehow, but it did not come willingly. The thoughts penetrated into my dreams. Even in my sleep I could find no rest. I woke up feeling more exhausted than ever.

My own thoughts wanted me to break. They got their wish. If it would stop these thoughts, then I would do anything.

Toddler Years

In the past, I have always wondered what it would be like to be completely in charge of a young life. I never imagined I would get the chance to know what such a thing was like so early in life considering that elves rarely marry before their first millennium, let alone have children. With me being only a little over 400-years-old, I truly am an outlier. At some points I wish I had though to ask someone to come along with me. Surely one of my friends would have been kind enough to join me through this trial. Then there are other times where I am glad I am alone. I couldn't have stood to have anyone see me in the condition I was after Rodney and I had our encounter. Yes, for now, being alone is alright. I feel as if things have been moving more smoothly recently anyway. I am rapidly growing accustomedto doing everything by myself. There is also more time to sleep, and it is beyond fun to interact with Elrunamir. I've begun teaching him how to talk.

I am more determined to get him to progress more on getting him to do his business by himself though. When I used to help watch over the young children back at home, I always left the nasty work to the mothers. I have had my share of days, mostly when playing with Eloril, where I would come home covered in dirt and earth. The dirtiness that young children get covered in was another matter entirely. I swore years ago I would do everything to deal as little with those messes as possible. Of course, everything has changed now. Little Elrun certainly isn't the one to be doing the cleanup, and I cannot ignore his filthy diapers simply because I find them unpleasant. However, it has been interesting to see my change regarding the matter. I found that I have stopped caring. I take care of each mess without giving them a second thought. Such a change is one of the mysteries of motherhood. I will certainly have a lot more in common with naneth when I return home.

Motherhood

It is amazing how one day can completely change how I think and feel. Only yesterday I thought the scariest thing in the world was how I was going to give birth by myself. Now I am recovering from that, and have found something even more frightful in the passing time. My fear is if I will be able to raise this child of mine properly alone. I have watched over children before, yet their mothers had always been close by. Will I know what to do when Elrunamir is hurting? Will I be able to guide him through life's challenges? Will I even be able to afford what he needs?

Elrun wakes and cries often, but most of the time all he needs is my touch for him to calm down. Honestly, I was unsure of what I would feel for my children when they were born. This task has and always will be undesirable. I might get used to the seducing of men, but I will never enjoy it. Then there's the fact that this child I'm holding is half human. He's half of what I hate the most. He's half of the man who went to sleep with another woman hours after he finished with me.

And yet, Elrun is also half of the people that I love the most. He has the same inside beauty of his namesake, and the same smile of my mother. More importantly than any of that, Elrun is half of me. We look completely different so some moments it's hard to believe we're connected in such a way, but I always know it is true in my heart. He's part of me. That's what I focus on. I love him more than I ever imagined- to the point where I am almost scared at how greatly I adore him.