The Unthinkable

Elrun and I took another walk out to the park. Well, one of the parks. There are many in the town- each designed for a certain animal for residents to bring their pets to. Sometimes there will be people about, and other times there will be no one in sight. That day the park was fairly full of people. It was also a beautiful morning with Elrun and I had both having slept peacefully, so I was feeling pretty good.

However, that trip to the park also showed me something troublesome. I set Elrun on the ground to play with the two other toddlers that were there. I kept an eye on him, but I also made the acquaintance of three men. Through some subtle hints, I got them to reveal their relationship status. All three of them were married. It dawned on me that this town had a distinct lack of men suitable for assisting me on this task. How would I ever continue onward like this? I would never make it home if I kept on having such terrible luck. That was when the most horrible thought came into my head.

I might have to seduce them anyway.

I quickly tried to throw the thought out of my mind, but it would not be gotten rid of. It lingered, catching me off guard the second I let my mind relax. It tried to rationalize itself. It would make me think of my family, my land, and my people. Depressing visions of me being doomed to wander forever here flashed across my eyes. "You'll have to do it at some point," the dark thoughts whispered to me, "These men will go to other women anyway. You might as well take your chance. If they are willing to give themselves away so easily, then you can't really be blamed..."

I fought with my own mind all day. Elrun was well-behaved and went to bed quickly, but by the time I placed myself down to go to sleep, I felt as if I had been awake for a hundred years. I found sleep somehow, but it did not come willingly. The thoughts penetrated into my dreams. Even in my sleep I could find no rest. I woke up feeling more exhausted than ever.

My own thoughts wanted me to break. They got their wish. If it would stop these thoughts, then I would do anything.

Toddler Years

In the past, I have always wondered what it would be like to be completely in charge of a young life. I never imagined I would get the chance to know what such a thing was like so early in life considering that elves rarely marry before their first millennium, let alone have children. With me being only a little over 400-years-old, I truly am an outlier. At some points I wish I had though to ask someone to come along with me. Surely one of my friends would have been kind enough to join me through this trial. Then there are other times where I am glad I am alone. I couldn't have stood to have anyone see me in the condition I was after Rodney and I had our encounter. Yes, for now, being alone is alright. I feel as if things have been moving more smoothly recently anyway. I am rapidly growing accustomedto doing everything by myself. There is also more time to sleep, and it is beyond fun to interact with Elrunamir. I've begun teaching him how to talk.

I am more determined to get him to progress more on getting him to do his business by himself though. When I used to help watch over the young children back at home, I always left the nasty work to the mothers. I have had my share of days, mostly when playing with Eloril, where I would come home covered in dirt and earth. The dirtiness that young children get covered in was another matter entirely. I swore years ago I would do everything to deal as little with those messes as possible. Of course, everything has changed now. Little Elrun certainly isn't the one to be doing the cleanup, and I cannot ignore his filthy diapers simply because I find them unpleasant. However, it has been interesting to see my change regarding the matter. I found that I have stopped caring. I take care of each mess without giving them a second thought. Such a change is one of the mysteries of motherhood. I will certainly have a lot more in common with naneth when I return home.

Motherhood

It is amazing how one day can completely change how I think and feel. Only yesterday I thought the scariest thing in the world was how I was going to give birth by myself. Now I am recovering from that, and have found something even more frightful in the passing time. My fear is if I will be able to raise this child of mine properly alone. I have watched over children before, yet their mothers had always been close by. Will I know what to do when Elrunamir is hurting? Will I be able to guide him through life's challenges? Will I even be able to afford what he needs?

Elrun wakes and cries often, but most of the time all he needs is my touch for him to calm down. Honestly, I was unsure of what I would feel for my children when they were born. This task has and always will be undesirable. I might get used to the seducing of men, but I will never enjoy it. Then there's the fact that this child I'm holding is half human. He's half of what I hate the most. He's half of the man who went to sleep with another woman hours after he finished with me.

And yet, Elrun is also half of the people that I love the most. He has the same inside beauty of his namesake, and the same smile of my mother. More importantly than any of that, Elrun is half of me. We look completely different so some moments it's hard to believe we're connected in such a way, but I always know it is true in my heart. He's part of me. That's what I focus on. I love him more than I ever imagined- to the point where I am almost scared at how greatly I adore him.

Pregnancy

I woke up the following morning on the couch. I obviously must have moved there some time during the night, but I couldn't recall ever getting up. That day was a strange day. I ate my breakfast, washed the bedding thoroughly, did some painting, and read a book. I waited and waited for the strong depression I expected to hit me. However, the day was closing before I knew it. The next day was the same. The day after that as well. In fact, the days and weeks began moving by in a blue. It is true that as an immortal I am used to the ages moving past me in the blink of an eye, yet ever since my experience with Rodney it was if I have payed attention to nothing. That night had been awful, but I otherwise felt...normal. Changed and desperate for home, but normal. Each day I simply got up to live what had become my life. Nothing out of routine happened. The only new task I had to face was fixing the objects in my house that suddenly began breaking all the time. It was beyond me how I managed to restore everything to its usual condition. Mostly what I end up doing is fiddling around with the many screws, and the problem resolves itself.

About a month after that night, I received a call from Ms. Bird. Although I originally thought she wasn't someone I wanted to know due to her "career", she has proven to be surprisingly kind and helpful. She was the only one around town I moderately knew as she made a point to call me every other day. Her call was expected, but the information she had for me was not. She was curious if I had heard what was going on with Rodney. I did not know. He had been surprisingly distant. It was a strange change from the polite man I had known. It was Ms. Bird's call that would show me the Rodney I had known was not who he actually was at all. Apparently, he had stated romantic intentions towards a woman named Gracie Loveland. Ms. Bird was stunned her had, for Rodney was known for hopping around from woman to woman. The two had been keeping their secret relationship.

Ms. Bird then revealed to me the date when Rodney had stated his intentions towards this Ms. Loveland. It had been on the same evening when we had spent time together. My heart sank further when Ms. Bird continued talking and I learned Ms. Loveland had been seen shopping for something called "emergency contraceptives" the following morning. When I realized what such a thing was, I understood what the two had been doing. The phone call ended, and I sat down on the couch in despair. I harbored no romantic feelings towards Rodney. There was not the slightest chance that we would ever end up together. However, I was still deeply hurt. His kind manner had only been a trick to convince me to give him what he wanted. He had gotten, and he had moved on. How important our time together had been and what it had meant for me was not a concern of his in the slightest. My emotions and my struggles were insignificant.

Starting the Task

Several days passed, and I found myself relaxing more as I steadily became more accustomed to my surroundings. What also helped was that I discovered it was possible for me to sell the little animal house in the back of my yard that I had no use for. Not only was I able to obtain a fair sum of money for it, but not having to worry about painting so much to earn money allowed me to get out of my house. The town of Appaloosa Plains began opening up to me as I wandered along its streets. To my joyous surprise, I learned the town contained something called a horse park. Many horses were stored there, and there was plentiful room to go for a ride. I eagerly jumped at my first chance to make a trip to such a wonderful sounding location. To be around horses again would certainly raise my spirits. Also, I considered in the back of my mind that I might come across the opportunity of meeting men who had similar interests to me. I really did need to make the acquaintance of  more men than Mr. Donahue.

When I reached the center, it dawned on me why my parents chose to send me to this place. Although much of it was very different from home, I truly was able to find some peace being around all the horses and other animals. However, I wondered for just how long would this town's beauty and serenity be appealing to me. I was not nearly naive enough to think I wouldn't outgrow this place or lose interest. Fate and reality would have everyone and everything around me shift, but I would remain relatively unchanged. I knew what this town could offer me would fade at some point, and I would be stuck if I were to linger.