Motherhood

It is amazing how one day can completely change how I think and feel. Only yesterday I thought the scariest thing in the world was how I was going to give birth by myself. Now I am recovering from that, and have found something even more frightful in the passing time. My fear is if I will be able to raise this child of mine properly alone. I have watched over children before, yet their mothers had always been close by. Will I know what to do when Elrunamir is hurting? Will I be able to guide him through life's challenges? Will I even be able to afford what he needs?

Elrun wakes and cries often, but most of the time all he needs is my touch for him to calm down. Honestly, I was unsure of what I would feel for my children when they were born. This task has and always will be undesirable. I might get used to the seducing of men, but I will never enjoy it. Then there's the fact that this child I'm holding is half human. He's half of what I hate the most. He's half of the man who went to sleep with another woman hours after he finished with me.

And yet, Elrun is also half of the people that I love the most. He has the same inside beauty of his namesake, and the same smile of my mother. More importantly than any of that, Elrun is half of me. We look completely different so some moments it's hard to believe we're connected in such a way, but I always know it is true in my heart. He's part of me. That's what I focus on. I love him more than I ever imagined- to the point where I am almost scared at how greatly I adore him.

I was in for quite the surprise one day when I went out to pay the bills and found something beside the mailing box for me. It was a medium-sized box wrapped in white and red stripes with a red bow on the top. I had no idea what it was, but was in for an even larger surprise when I took it inside to look at who it was from. The present had been sent from one of Rodney's relatives! Even more peculiar, it contained a rather strange looking doll for Elrun. Stranger still, this relative sending my son the toy meant that Rodney himself had to know I had borne him a child. Considering that I never gave him the slightest hint that I was pregnant and that I haven't even talked to anyone since Elrun was born, for him to find out such a thing is curious indeed. Then there was the fact that I know few people around town, and hardly any of them knew I was pregnant. I suspect there can only be one source where Rodney got the information from. Ms. Bird seems to be full of gossip about everyone. I reason it must have been her that told him.

I gave the toy to Elrun, and he actually liked it. He seems calmer when it's next to him. The doll makes me mildly uneasy given its "unique" appearance, but I am glad my son was gifted it as him being enthralled with the doll helps to give me a few more spare moments to do what I need to do. Unfortunately, I cannot just focus on Elrun like I would like to do.  My store of money began to run low again- leaving me no choice but to paint whenever I had a spare second. Elrun and painting keeps me so busy I don't have time to cook proper meals anymore. I have gone back to eating salads. What is more inconvenient is that sleep has also become less of a priority. I take small naps here and there when I can for getting any sort of real rest during the night is impossible. I can scarcely remember a time where I have truly lacked energy before, but as the days passed I began to feel more and more drained.

Rodney didn't make matters any easier for me. He began to call constantly once again. After a bit of hard work, I learned how to keep my phone from ringing so loud. However, decreases the intensity of its noise did little when the amount that Rodney called continued to be at an annoying rate. I so desperately wanted to avoid that man given how he has shown how little he cares, but now it seems he might finally have an interest in the consequence of our time together.

Exhausted and pushed to my limit, I finally gave in one night and answered. Rodney was not upset or angry like I had expected. He simply wanted to know if we really had had a son together. I was forced to admit the truth. His true feelings were hard to discern from only his voice, but Rodney at least sounded like he was excited. It was more than I had been expecting. He asked if he could come and see Elrun sometime. I told him it was alright.

Though I said yes, I wasn't exactly looking forward towards our reunion. If Rodney's seeming change of heart was for good, I supposed I could allow him a place in Elrun's life. If he was willing to step up and be a good role model then I can't really force him away. There was a feeling in my heart telling me that wouldn't be the case though. I ignored it for the moment. I had to wait until Rodney showed me what he was capable of first before I came to any conclusion. I wasn't sure what I would feel when I did see him again. Would I be angry? Forgiving? Neutral? I would only know that in moment.

Until that day, I had more pressing matters to concern myself with. All of the machines in the house grew to have a personal vendetta against me. They never give me a second of peace. As soon as I fix something like the kitchen sink, something else like the toilet will break. Then it will be the shower before it's the oven's turn. Considering it still takes me ages to figure out how to deal with the problems, I am left scrambling to keep up. I only wished I had the money to hire the people who are trained to fixed the machines. I've seen advertisements for such services, but my budget simply won't allow the luxury. It's not only the machines eating up my time. Elrun will usually start crying when I'm halfway done with the fixing. Of course, I have to go and see to him right away. By the time I return to the object, it has usually flooded the floor with water. Sleep now comes as a last priority as I get the house under control while trying to keep up with painting.

I didn't know it was possible for one to feel such exhaustion. I have begun to stumble over my own feet.

However, time has flown given how distracted I have been. Elrun ceased to be a newborn. In fact, he ceased to be a baby at all. He grew bigger and bigger until I had no choice but to call him a toddler. I knew I couldn't do much, but I was determined to have a small celebration for him. I bought him some treats, and I ignored all the broken objects in order to play with him all day. It was incredibly difficult for me to accept how quickly he has grown. He looks almost identical to Rodney. It was a little disappointing that Elrun hardly appeared anything like me. I wanted to be able to see something of me on the outside of him. Still, I knew that part of me was within him. Him loving me with all of his little heart was also all I needed to cheer up.

I have been blessed for Elrun has proven to be such a sweetheart, but I knew things would only become more hectic now that the toddler years have begun.......