Gone

I wonder if there's something wrong with Zuri. Not that she's been sick or upset lately or anything like that, but she has recently been coming into my room every night to sleep next to me on the bed even though all I ever do is ignore her. I don't understand why she has seemingly become so attached to me. I suppose it's a good thing though that Eloril adopted a dog who is so accepting and full of love instead of a completely anti-social one. Zuri has also stopped chewing away at my furniture, so that's good too.

This summer has brought along some of the most beautiful sunny days I've ever seen. It's no wonder that my children want to make the most out of them. Rieldir and Cirabel love swimming in particular. I'm not exaggerating when I say they spend nearly every second of their free time jumping off that diving board and slipping down the slide into the water. Some days they'll even get up early so they can take a dip before they have to start getting ready for school.

However, too many times they'll get in without telling anyone or having someone supervising them. It worried me so much that I made them promise to not go near the pool without having ada, Eloril, Garthon, or I around. Rieldir and Cirabel promised. I wasn't entirely convinced, so I told them if I caught them in the pool alone they would never leave the house except for school until the day they graduated. That got the message to sink in a bit better.

It was just when the pain of Idhren's passing eased that dear Elwen was lost. How can it be that she's gone already? If this keeps up, I'll turn around and little Cirabel and Elioviel will be gone as well. If I remember correctly, I thought something similar not long after Ureliel's death and Iselith and Saradith's birth. I knew then it was only a matter of time before my first set of twins passed away. I was right for their passing came too soon, and it's already been so long since that point. This realization brought back that stretched and worn feeling I fought with before Cirabel's birth, and its strength has steadily been increasing.

But for every loss, there's a birthday to match it- even if my children's birthdays have become more bittersweet than normal recently. I have to keep shaking away the knowledge that every birthday means my babies are one foot closer to taking that step beyond the veil.

Nevertheless, I forced myself to enjoy Rieldir's special day. It turned out to be a very happy affair.

Elioviel's birthday was happy also. While she happens to have my eyes and ears, she thankfully has Cory's darker hair. There's just something about her having black hair after me having so many other children with fair hair for so long that makes her that much cuter. I take extra time to brush and style it in the morning.

Cirabel takes a lot of pride in being a big sister. I think a lot of that has to do with her getting to name Elioviel. Cirabel is always the first to run to her whenever she gets those bumps and bruises toddlers are so prone to attracting. They also spend a lot of time cuddling. Eli is completely attached to Cirabel because of all this. Sometimes I have to stop myself from getting jealous when Eli wants to be with her sister instead of me. I do that by watching my daughters be adorable together, and then think of how wonderful a mother Cirabel is going to be one day.

One day after Garthon, Rieldir, and Cirabel left for school, ada and Eloril asked if we could talk outside. I instantly knew what they wanted to talk about. It was finally time for us to make solid plans about their departure. Honestly, I had no desire to discuss such a thing at all. I didn't want them to leave. I didn't want them to be gone. I kept all my protests quiet though as ada laid out before me what he and Eloril had come up with on their own.

They decided the most logical thing to do was leave after Cirabel's upcoming birthday. That would give enough time for everyone to accept their leaving as well as give ada and Eloril enough time to get everything in order for their return. Ada and Eloril had journeyed here all on their own when they came, but now that ada isn't so against human technology as he once was he is more willing to use their forms of travel. I reluctantly agreed with what they suggested.

For my children who have known ada and Eloril all their lives, it's going to be hard for them to watch the two of them go since they'll probably never meet again. Then there's me. I've become so reliant on their support and love. I'll have to get used to doing things on my own- as well as simply being on my own again. Knowing I'll feel incredibly lonely after their departure, I made my own decision to hold off becoming pregnant again. I really will need the extra time to readjust to the way things used to be.

Ada and Eloril said they couldn't leave though without making sure I would be alright first. Thus, every day after the children left for school we've been spending more quality time together. We've taken to getting out of the house, always bringing Eli and Zuri along, to do whatever we can to make the days more memorable. Then when Garthon, Rieldir, and Cirabel get home, we do something special with them as well as a whole family. The three of them took the news of ada and Eloril's leaving pretty hard, but they've been coping relatively well.

What I thought was turning out to be the most pleasant day in a while turned into a horrible nightmare that never ended. Ada, Eloril, and I took Eli and Zuri out to play at the park. We became so engrossed in what we were doing that we lost track of time. We were still there even though the children were due back from school. At that point, I didn't see anything wrong with delaying our return a bit longer. Rieldir had plans with his friends, and Garthon and Cirabel were good at looking after themselves. I was suggesting the idea of taking everyone out to eat for dinner that night to ada and Eloril when my phone rang.

It was Garthon calling. My heart missed a few beats as soon as he started speaking. He was crying, and crying hard. That wasn't like him at all. It was clear something was very wrong, but he was unable to tell me what had happened. All Garthon could do was apologize through sobs and tell me that I needed to come home right away. I tried to get just a bit more information out of him, but he just wouldn't stop apologizing. We hung up. I'd never felt so shaken in my life. I already knew I didn't want to know what the problem was for it was going to damage my heart in the most horrible way possible, but being left in the dark was even worse.

I turned towards ada and Eloril. Their faces fell when the saw my expression. No words were necessary. We quickly gathered up Eli and Zuri and bolted back home.

We didn't have to go inside to find out what happened. As soon as we got close to the house we spotted Garthon holding Cirabel tightly by the pool. The gate was too far away, so ada, Eloril, and I jumped the fence to get to them. I wanted to scream in terror when I saw how still and unmoving my daughter's body was. Both she and Garthon were soaked, Cirabel being in her swimsuit. Garthon turned around, and my eyes instantly fixated on the deep gash tracing along the left side of Cirabel's head. That side of her head was covered in blood as it mixed with the water. 

Garthon was still crying terribly. He had been upstairs practicing the piano, and he thought Cirabel had been working on her homework. The sound of his music covered up the noise of her sneaking out to the pool. It was when he went into his room to get more sheet music that he was prompted to look out the window. He rushed down to the pool as fast as he could for he had spotted Cirabel floating face down in bloody water. She had somehow slipped, gotten hurt, and landed unconscious in the water. Garthon had done what he could to resuscitate her, but nothing worked. That's when he had called me.

None of us were able to respond for the ambulance Garthon called arrived. The EMTs rushed Cirabel and I into the truck. I hoped and prayed desperately as we sped along. The EMTs worked furiously to try and revive Cirabel, but I almost told them to stop. Anyone with a working brain could see my daughter was long gone. We reached the hospital, and in the brief moment between the ambulance and hospital doors where the strong sunlight fell on me I noticed I could not feel its warmth. Inside me was the chilling coldness I had not felt since Elrunamir's death.

The doctors tried for a few more minutes to bring Cirabel back, but before too long one came over to me to reveal to me the devestating news I already knew.

Cirabel was dead.

After that day, I don't remember much. Ada came to get me, and I remember fighting him as we left the hospital. I yelled for my daughter over and over again. I remember having the pool filled in and the hot tub sold. I remember spending each day trying not to be overcome, and failing each day no matter how much I struggled. Sometimes I couldn't even make it to my bed, and simply collapsed into tears on the floor.

The coldness I feel gets worse every day. There's a constant tingling as if my whole body is numb. It takes almost too much effort to stand up without falling over. I refuse to look at Garthon, Rieldir, or Elioviel. I don't want anything to do with them. They shrivel and die before my eyes with even the smallest glance in their direction.

Then there was the funeral. I didn't want to have one, but the other arraigned it against my will. If I couldn't handle looking at my children living with me, what made ada and Eloril think I would find any sort of comfort from the rest of my children? How can I look at Meldiron, Lomaraniel, Serith, and Tirith with their old bodies and gray hair and not feel depressed knowing it won't be long before I lose them too? I've completely lost the ability to cope with my grief. Every second, every breath I take threatens to destroy me. It's strange how I've stopped caring if I am or not.

The only small comfort, and the only reason I went to funeral at all, was Bradley. Out of everyone around, he is now the only one who understands the pain I'm going through. Not even ada, who has lost so many of his loved ones, knows the crippling devastation of losing a child still so young in life. When I saw Bradley, I became like Garthon when he called me. All I could do was hold him, and apologize through my sobs that I lost our daughter.

That was about a week ago, though it feels like an eternity. The lone thing I have the strength to do now is to walk to the cemetery each day to visit Cirabel. I always trace my finger around her name on her tombstone as if it is able to connect us. I see the dates of her birth and death, and fight once again with the cruel reality of how short a time I had her with me. Cirabel was the daughter I waited so long for. She was the one I wished every day to be given. And just like that, she was taken away. There was no time to accept the coming of her passing. There was no time to say goodbyes. There was no chance to embrace her and remind her of how much she means to me.

She was there. Then she wasn't.

I always look around at the other tombstones. Mortality is so harsh. Why did the Goddess think to place its burden on anyone? What does it accomplish other than fear and pain? Nearly all of the struggles and wars with humans never would have happened if they were immortal like us. They were clinging with all their might to make sure their lives had some importance and meaning before it was snuffed out and they faded into oblivion. They were willing to do anything, even the most hideous crimes imaginable, to find the slightest bit of fulfillment.

That's what I thought of as I began to walk. However, it wasn't towards home like where I normally went. I didn't know where I was going. I let my feet led me forward without paying any attention to my direction. When I bothered to look up, I discovered I was at the top of the cliffs overlooking Aurora Skies. The Goddess led me to this town. The Goddess has made me do many things, most of them against my wishes.

When I left home to do this task, the chance I wouldn't be able to finish it never crossed my mind. My fears were that I couldn't even start. That I couldn't live amongst humans. That I couldn't belong at home anymore. What I'm dealing with now is so much worse than my old worries.

But I'm not going to have to deal with anything anymore. Two children away from reaching the halfway point of this horrible task, I've decided that I'm done. I can't give any more children the gift of life only to watch them wither while I am forced to linger. Yet I'm not going to linger anymore either.

I started walking again. I'm going to get away from here. It doesn't matter how far I go. It doesn't matter where I end up- for this is my end.

All I want......

Is to be gone......