Busy

The period of where I didn't want to get up to do anything lasted about a week. I had to thank nana in a away for forcing me to think about how little time Maldor had left. The constant thoughts had prompted me to call him as much as I could before the inevitable happened. That inevitable was bad enough, but what really brought me down was how quickly Naldir had followed. I hadn't even been aware that he had been sick. Apparently, his wife and children hadn't wanted to worry me. None of them expected his illness to take his life so suddenly. But it had. I had lost two sons within a span of several days, and there was little anyone could do to cheer me up. It wasn't as if cheering me up was possible anyway. I wondered if I had ever been truly cheerful since Elrunamir's passing. I might have thought I was happy, but there was that pain always underneath. It was endless and deep, and it only grew more so with each day that sped by. The number of children left to grant me temporary joy was rapidly dwindling while the number of deaths that caused my heartache mounted ever higher.

Behind the Scenes Special 4

Due to some issues giving me problems, I wasn't able to get enough material ready for a normal update today. So you'll all be getting another Behind the Scenes update today instead! It covers the last of Ellothiel's time in Riverview, her kidnapping arc, and Urelia's side story.

Starting us off is a picture I can't remember for the life of me why I took it, haha. Ellothiel doesn't do a lot of idles, so I must have found this action interesting or something. *shrug*

Secrets, Part One

I was glad Wesley had pushed me to become so proficient at meditation. With everything that had happened, I remembered I had that way to block everything out. Meditation became my lifesaver. Despite naneth's silent glares that were now her protest and Eloril's own suggestions, I continued to wear my lilac dress. If I wanted to wear it, then I was going to wear it. It was nice to be able to move about more easily as generally the length of my normal dress does cause some problems. With the amount of problems I already had, the last thing I needed was one more frustration to deal with. Things had become more tense still between naneth and I when it was proven that I was pregnant with Rico's son. I was relieved that I wasn't having twins again. Naneth was upset I had let such a man conceive a child with me. She couldn't believe how I had slept with Rico was similar to how I had slept with most of the men who have helped me create my children. I didn't understand how she thought it would be any other way. What, did she think I was going to go through an extensive courting-like process for each father? I would be nowhere close to finishing the task if I went about it that way. As it is, I have now truly spent more time living amongst humans than I have with my own people.

Rebelling

It might sound strange, but it got the point where I was so exhausted that night that I lacked the energy to even fall asleep. I don't know why I bothered to continue arguing with naneth. It was obvious nothing was going to come out of it. The noise eventually caught Eloril's attention. With Maldor having arrived, he came inside to break us apart again. I was sent to bed, and Eloril gave naneth a stern reprimanding. I hoped it would help. She's listened to him more than she's ever listened to me. I was in bed not a minute later, but like I said, my brain would not shut down. It was if all it could manage to do was keep me in the daze of a state which I entered. I was somewhere half between consciousness and unconsciousness. I would sometimes only just realize I was robotically getting out of bed to tend to Delerith and Delindir when they needed something. My body was definitely not my own. Eloril kept on being a right blessing. He popped in and out of the room to care for my youngest twins a lot like ada quietly looked after Sidhion the night he had been born. I didn't have to get up too often.

Being in that daze state must have relaxed me in some way. It dulled my headache considerably, and I "woke" up the next morning feeling as if I had some energy. I tried then to actually sleep, but it wasn't coming. I decided to get up despite the hour still being early. At least Naldir was awake as well. He had come back to the house much later than planned, but I couldn't have cared less. With all that naneth had done to upset me, my children could probably murder at this point and I would brush it off. He somehow found the the situation amusing when I explained what had gone on, but was happy he had gotten to skip out on it. I must repeat what I said last time- yes. How nice for him.

Headache

I didn't wait too long after Aewen and Alcarien's birth before becoming pregnant yet again. Of course the reason for the big gap between Maldor and Naldir was because of Aneviel, Anemir, and Anadien, but obviously I'm the only one who knows that information. I instead had to lie and make up some excuse when my older children asked me why I had waited. The gap wasn't my fault, but now I was the one having to push myself to make up for it. I had no choice but to call over Mr. Chauncey Heath despite my own wish to give myself a bit more space between children. I just had a feeling I would somehow regret it later on. However, Mr. Heath was all too willing for me to turn back or hesitate. He came over right away when I called.

Continuing On

Though I was indeed grateful Wesley's pain and agony was not lengthened unnecessarily, my heart still broke into a million pieces at his passing. My grief fully hit me several minutes after I woke up that night, and even Ranna's loud crying was lost on me. The craziness started a few more minutes after that when Maldor came to see what was going on when my daughter's crying didn't stop. I remember him alerting Elemir, Elemir freaking out, Maldor going to get Ranna, and me being almost absolutely useless. The hours until the sun rose were long indeed.

The days that followed were longer yet. The troubles I encountered were nothing new. My heart bled, I found it hard to summon the will to do much of anything, I barely slept or ate, I cried all the time, and I found myself attracted to the spots where Wesley and I would often sit and relax. However, my familiarity with such burdens did nothing to make their weight less. One of the few reliefs I had truly was that I had no doubts or regrets. Even my great heartbreak did not make me question whether or not I had done the right thing. I knew I had. The satisfaction of having had all those wonderful years helped pull me through where as the guilt I would have had if I had pushed Wesley away would have dragged me down further. My suffering was terrible, and yet I knew I would overcome it.

Letting Go

Wesley thought it was ironic.

I had preached and preached to him about being careful when going up and down the stairs. Though he hadn't said so aloud, he had been really annoyed with me treating him like a child. He had taken great care during his entire life to stay as healthy as possible, and so hadn't thought he would have to deal with his body weakening that much. It had begun to hurt constantly moving between the floors, but not bad enough to where he felt he had had to heed my warnings. He would show me he was right, was what he had thought. Now here he was in the hospital. Wesley had only fallen down a few steps. It could have been much worse, but all the tumble had accomplished was momentarily knocking him out and giving him a slight fracture in his right tibia. We should have been able to go home that same day.

Yet we couldn't. Wesley had to stay at the hospital for much longer than any of us wanted. The scans they had taken when checking for injuries due to Wesley's fall had revealed something else. Masses were growing inside him. They were small and pre-cancerous, but there was a lot of them. Multiple surgeries had to be scheduled. Wesley had to take medicine with side-effects that caused him much pain and discomfort. It was a blessing that the masses had been caught and could be taken care of before they became a real problem, but that didn't make me feel any relief. I still had to sit in that hospital for so long everyday and slowly watch more and more of Wesley wither away. I held onto him as much as I could. Honestly, it was terrifying to touch him and feel how thin and weak he was becoming, but I still couldn't let go. Seeing him in the hospital brought thoughts to my mind that his time might really be up, and I had to reassure myself he was still right next to me fighting with everything he had.

Departures

I tried not to be too surprised this time around. I knew it was going to happen the way it happened- for how it happened was how it had always happened. One minute, Elemir was an adorable little boy. The next, he had very much ceased to be a boy. In what felt like seconds he had transformed into a teenager ready to start high school and his next stage of life. And again, as always, his birthday was bittersweet. He had grown up so well, but I wished I could keep him younger for just a bit longer. I felt as if I had only had a brief moment to spend with him ever since he had been born.

Strange Dreams

I knew it would happen one day, but even still...

I was not prepared for that moment when I finally realized Wesley was old. His aging had seemed to be happening so slowly. He had steadily been acquiring more wrinkles and had been complaining about his body hurting in greater quantities, but he simply had that kind of face that stayed youthful far past the youth it showed. I took it for granted that he would always stay that way. I really was in for a rude awakening. It should have been a more subtle transition as subtle is how it happened. I just hadn't been paying attention. When I looked at Wesley before, I saw him instead of his age. What should have been obvious escaped my notice. Then the obvious became clear all at once, and I was left sad and afraid. Wesley's years on this earth and with me were coming to an end. The vast amount of time it felt we had together was now steadily slipping away from us.

Try as I might, I could not speak of my realization to Wesley. It was too hard to get the words out of my mouth. He was well aware of what I was feeling though. He was dealing with the same emotions as I was. I started noticing small changes in his behavior. He was obsessed with dying his hair so that no gray could be seen, and he would sneak pain killers when he thought I couldn't see so he could complain less about how it was getting harder to move. Longer clothing that covered his arms and legs became his preference as he wanted to hide how thin and fragile his limbs had become. The only time he wore something sleeveless was at night when we went to bed. He liked when I would run my finger along his tattoo. It became amusing to me how I had worried he would regret getting it. Now it was a calming reminder of how all this had started, how much time we had had together, and that some small piece of me would forever remain with him when his time came.