Letting Go

Wesley thought it was ironic.

I had preached and preached to him about being careful when going up and down the stairs. Though he hadn't said so aloud, he had been really annoyed with me treating him like a child. He had taken great care during his entire life to stay as healthy as possible, and so hadn't thought he would have to deal with his body weakening that much. It had begun to hurt constantly moving between the floors, but not bad enough to where he felt he had had to heed my warnings. He would show me he was right, was what he had thought. Now here he was in the hospital. Wesley had only fallen down a few steps. It could have been much worse, but all the tumble had accomplished was momentarily knocking him out and giving him a slight fracture in his right tibia. We should have been able to go home that same day.

Yet we couldn't. Wesley had to stay at the hospital for much longer than any of us wanted. The scans they had taken when checking for injuries due to Wesley's fall had revealed something else. Masses were growing inside him. They were small and pre-cancerous, but there was a lot of them. Multiple surgeries had to be scheduled. Wesley had to take medicine with side-effects that caused him much pain and discomfort. It was a blessing that the masses had been caught and could be taken care of before they became a real problem, but that didn't make me feel any relief. I still had to sit in that hospital for so long everyday and slowly watch more and more of Wesley wither away. I held onto him as much as I could. Honestly, it was terrifying to touch him and feel how thin and weak he was becoming, but I still couldn't let go. Seeing him in the hospital brought thoughts to my mind that his time might really be up, and I had to reassure myself he was still right next to me fighting with everything he had.

I began to forget what the house looked like. I truly was spending that much time at the hospital. Me and my children were all Wesley had since his own parents had long since died and he had lived far away from the few relatives he had barely known. Of course, my children living at home and my children living on their own came to visit when they could. However, I was the only one who could really be by his side constantly. Wesley steadily admitted more as the weeks began to go by that he was glad I could be there with him. As you might be able to imagine, the hospital was a dreadfully boring place- especially for someone like Wesley who has the drive to always move about and do what he wants. Now he had to get permission if he even wanted to use the restroom. He told me just my presence kept him from going crazy. It didn't matter if we barely talked, if I read a book while he watched television, or if I slept using the spare hospital bed on the other side of the curtain. As long as I was there. Naturally, Wesley and I interacted a lot as well though. We both got a kick out of breaking what rules we were willing to go against. Our favorite times where when I snuck into his bed so we could cuddle against each other. Wesley's room was on the corner, so it was all too easy for me to take a quick peek out the door to make sure no one was around.

But there were times when I wasn't allowed to be with Wesley. Mostly this was when the "serious" discussions had to happen or when he had to undergo some small procedure. It was those times where I regretted not marrying Wesley, for apparently me being only his girlfriend didn't give me allowance to the special rights reserved for spouses. I tried to not be too bothered by it, but it was hard sitting out there in those quiet hallways with nothing else to do but read the books on my tablet while knowing some silly rules, or so I considered them, were what was keeping me from Wesley.

I did begin to feel awful at how much time I was spending away from home. There was one night where I went back and I realized how much Naldir had grown. The incredibly guilt I felt increased when I saw that he had come to prefer Thralas, who looked after him the most, instead of me. Thralas, Elemir, Conrad, and everyone else who visited frequently to help keep everything in order told me not to worry so much, but I knew something had to change. I began bringing Naldir along with me more often when I went to keep Wesley company. I also spent most of my afternoons at home as well, which Wesley agreed was for the best. I needed to be home for my children much more than I needed to be at the hospital listening to him complain about the food he was given.

And he had to stay in the hospital longer yet than originally planned after we learned about the masses. Wesley had developed a slight infection after his most recent surgery. I wanted to be angry at the doctors when I learned of it, but I couldn't be when they explained it was a reaction from his body and not anything they had accidentally caused. The good news was that the most recent surgery had been Wesley's last. As soon as he was recovered from it and the infection, he would be allowed to come home. Then the doctor gave me some strongly recommended advice that would complicate Wesley's homecoming somewhat. He told me Wesley was at great risk for falling again due to his original accident, the injury to his leg, and the mere fact that his body has grown weak from age. If we didn't want to risk a more serious fall, we had to basically eliminate stairs from his life. The doctor said the few steps leading up to the door of our house was fine, but there was no way Wesley could handle the hike up to the third floor anymore.

He recommended I make a place for Wesley on the first floor. Otherwise, I would have to invest in this sort of chair-lift thing that Wesley would ride up and down the stairs. I knew it was going to be a nuisance to find a spot for him on the first floor, but I knew it would be an absolute pain to install the lift.

I had to make up my mind quickly since whatever I wanted done had to be done as soon as possible in order for Wesley to have a place to sleep when he came home. I went through ideas with Thralas, Elemir, and Maldor. We finally decided to convert the eastern sun-room into a space for him. The two sun-rooms were the only potential places for a bedroom, and the eastern one proved to be the more convenient one to alter. It was also much closer to the kitchen and the first floor bathroom. I knew I was being a bit paranoid, but even the idea of Wesley walking scared me. I wanted him to have to do as little of it as possible.

The renovations took about a week. The two arches originally leading to the room had to be replaced with actual walls, and a door had to be added. Two of the windows were also removed so Wesley could have more privacy, and I purchased drapes to cover the other ones so he could have more still. I felt horrible when everything was done. Thralas, Elemir, and I moved a bed from one of the spare bedrooms upstairs to Wesley's new room, and that was pretty much all we could fit in there. Anything else would block the bed or the entrance. I did manage to squeeze a chair in there though. It was so Wesley could have a more comfortable space to use his present- the new flat-screen I bought for him. I bought it so he wouldn't have to fight over the main television with Thralas, Elemir, and Maldor, and also to assuage my guilt of forcing him to sleep in such a pitiful excuse for a bedroom.

As luck would have it, the day Wesley was released from the hospital was also Maldor's birthday. It was better yet because Wesley's return was a day earlier than anticipated. The boys were ecstatic to walk in the door after school to find him home. They had visited him of course, but Wesley couldn't help but to divulge his "war stories" of all the events he felt were important enough to exaggerate. It was the best day any of us had had in a long time having him there to celebrate Maldor's transition to adolescence.

After dinner and the celebration, Wesley went into his room for the first time. He had avoided it all day. When he learned he was being restricted to the first floor, he was not happy at all. I suppose that him constantly going on about refusing to use the bedroom and making all sorts of complaints is what spurred my guilt over what I had produced for him. His complaining got worse when he saw it in person, but if I had been looking properly it would have been more obvious the complaints came because of his exhaustion and pain still lingering more from his weeks of surgery and being on medication. I was trying to hide how bad I felt. My feelings must have been perfectly readable by my expression though for Wesley began swearing at himself before he began apologizing and reassuring me that the room was fine. It wasn't like I was going to lock him up in there, he said. All he needed was a bed to sleep in, and I had given him that and more. I cheered up somewhat, though my the negativity took several more days to fully wear off.

Due to all the chaos going on, I was oblivious to the changing of the seasons. I stepped outside one day wondering why it was so hot, and it dawned on me that summer had arrived. I wasn't too keen on the unexpected heat, but I was glad for the shift. A new season full of life was uplifting and encouraging after all that had happened. I finally had time to just sit and think again. I thought a lot about Aneviel, Anemir, and Anadien for Wesley's accident had distracted me from that whole situation. I believe I was eventually able to come to terms with it all. It was still horrible that they had been taken and that no one else save for me could remember them, but the truth that raised my spirits was that it wasn't like they had completely vanished. They were still out there somewhere. They were still alive. If what I vaguely remember Anadien telling me is true, then the three of them are in good hands and are sure to live wonderful lives. I could worry less if I held onto that thought.

After moving on past them, I recalled my promise to buy a slip-and-slide for the children to use. My three teenage boys were more like giddy little girls when I suddenly brought it home one day. Thralas, Elemir, and Maldor instantly set it up, and used it for hours on end. I would take my turn occasionally when I had a free moment, but for most of the time I enjoyed simply watching. I was surprised at how bruised and battered those boys got. That's what they get from throwing themselves at the ground attempting new sliding "techniques" though.

The separation from Wesley was excruciating. I walked up to my bedroom each night with dread. The room felt so silent. I felt so cold lying in bed alone despite the covers being warm. My sleep was awful as I tossed and turned looking for the touch of the person who was no longer next to me. I would think of Wesley so far away downstairs, and it would feel like there was much more than a floor between us. It only took a few weeks before I became absolutely fed up with the arraignment. Wesley and I quickly came up with a different one as he had been greatly missing me too. He still had to be kept on the first floor, but his room really was just that small that I didn't know how we could work something out. There was little chance of us sharing that twin bed every night, and a queen wouldn't fit. That was when Wesley pointed out we could just manage to squeeze the second twin bed from the spare room next to his. It took a lot of work and a bit of force to get the bed in place, but it did indeed fit. The room was even more cramped and there was still that space between the beds separating us, but I was near Wesley. That was all that mattered.

In another case of mild irony, the two of us ended up spending spending massive amounts of time in that room. That was partly because it grew to be cozy and a safe retreat from the boys. The other reason, however, was much more heartbreaking. Neither of us knew if it was because of Wesley's ordeals in the hospital or simply because of his age, but he began deteriorating much faster. Fevers would come and go so rapidly I could leave to use the restroom with Wesley having a fever, but when I returned it would be gone. Coughing fits were even more common, and a bucket had to be kept nearby for the many times Wesley had to release the contents of his stomach into it. I would take him to the hospital for a check-up every now and again, but there wasn't much the doctors could do besides giving Wesley another prescription to add on to the long list of medications he was already taking.

Then simply dealing with Wesley himself became quite the task. His mood was constantly grumpy and irritable for he was embarrassed and frustrated due to his state of near uselessness. Things like me having to wash his sheets nearly everyday because he wet them, even though he wore the adult diapers he hated so much, drove him crazy. It wasn't a few times where I would peek on him when he said he needed a nap to find him silently crying. I'll admit I cried a bit when no one was looking either. The tears were somewhat because of all the stress, but mostly because I, like Wesley, had to face the reality before us. He was fading, and fading much sooner than any of us expected. I could see the weakness, the same weakness I had seen so many times in the eyes of my children shortly before they passed, hidden behind his brave expression. We both avoided the reality for a while, but I eventually began forcing the conversations. It was more reassuring than we had assumed it would be to talk about his death.

Death wasn't what Wesley was afraid of at all. It was certain. It was expected. In the end, he had realized it wasn't the powerful and frightening thing it was made out to be. A brief second was all the time it could claim him for, and then for eternity it would cease to be. Death itself would die when it claimed him. No, it was the time leading up to that moment that frightened him. It was much more painful to watch himself fall apart and not be able to stop it. Losing control of himself was the true terror. But he would fight, he said. If it granted him even just one more second with me, he would fight against the failing body of his with all the energy he had left. I placed my hand against his cheek, and said something I'm sure surprised him. That wasn't what I wanted. I knew the choice to fight or go peacefully when the time came was entirely his, but I hoped he would go peacefully. We both knew death was coming for him. I would rather he let go and be free of his pain rather than continue on as it would make both of our lives torture by having to watch him suffer.

Wesley didn't say anything.

And he didn't say anything again for a long while that day. He lay in bed resting and thinking. When I went to join him after dinner so we could watch some television, it was my turn to be surprised. Wesley demanded I go out the next day to continue on the task. It was time for me to become pregnant again, but here he was distracting me. Thralas and Elemir were so close to graduation, and it wouldn't be too long before Maldor became an adult either. Then there was the huge jump to Naldir, who was still a toddler. Wesley couldn't recall why I had waited so long before having Naldir, but I couldn't do that again now. I tried to reassure him that a few more months of waiting was fine. I wanted things to calm down a bit more before I brought another child into the world. Wesley looked at me with a sad expression.

He couldn't wait that long. I knew instantly what he meant, and found myself speechless. Wesley went on to say he wanted to see one last child of mine. He wanted to be a part of his or her life- even if that part was a few seconds. I said alright. I hadn't the heart to deny him what he wanted. I left Wesley in Elemir and Maldor's care the next day, and went out to see who I might find. I eventually came across a man named JC Prudence. He was nice and helped me get what I needed, but I don't remember much of the experience. My mind was coping with so much else that one more routine conception was not enough to make a large impression on my mind.

What did make more on an impression on me was Thralas' birthday. It was while he was blowing out his candles when the something that had been bugging me in the back of my mind made itself known. I had honestly completely forgotten about the original reason he was conceived- that I had wanted to make Wesley mad. I had to stop myself from laughing. I really couldn't believe I had been that petty. How my self back then had no idea how things would change.

And seeing Thralas grow into a fine young man made me happier than I had been for a while. The reason for his conception might have been shallow, but that shallow conception had led to the birth of an amazing soul who was ready to take on the world and make a difference. Thralas announced his plans for a political career, and talked with enthusiasm of all which he wanted to accomplish. I was so enthralled listening to him that I didn't notice the hours until his departure to the house he would be sharing with Jasen and Norris, Eleme's sons, rapidly dwindled away until it was time to say goodbye.

It was bittersweet when we realized there was another elder in the house besides Wesley. Lenn was still a puppy in my mind, but his body was already rather aged. I was shocked, but I should have expected it. Dogs do have much shorter lifespans. It was nice in a way that Lenn was reaching his last years as well. Wesley had a companion who could share his complaints. My boy and his dog were constantly together.

Though he struggled to do a lot of things, Wesley was determined to still be as helpful as possible. Mostly he entertained Naldir while I took care of the rest of the house. Wesley also took on the task of paying the bills and keeping the finances in order. He was normally content doing those things, but every now and again he would do something extra. Even with Thralas leaving, I continued to have so much else to do that making sure there was a meal cooked remained a battle. I noticed one night after dinner that there was not even leftovers, well, left over. I was so tired that after finishing up the rest of what I had to do that evening my body demanded I go to bed right away. So I slunk into bed, planning on waking up early the next morning to take care of the problem. I would go on to wake up some indeterminate time later thanks to noises from the kitchen. Wesley was hard at work preparing something for the boys to eat for breakfast the next morning before they went to school. He burned the first two batches he attempted, but succeeded on the third try. I pretended to be asleep when he came back into the room, but I couldn't help myself from smiling.

The signs of my pregnancy finally came. It took a bit longer than normal for me to realize the change, so I had been worried my attempt with JC hadn't actually resulted in a child. But, no, we had indeed done the job. Wesley suggested that the child might simply be smaller, which is why it took longer for me to notice the pregnancy. The first check-up I went to confirmed his words. Wesley and I both hoped the smaller size meant that I would be having another girl. The two of us really wanted me to have a daughter after having the streak of boys. We had to wait until the birth to find out though, for as luck would have it, this was not a pregnancy where I could find out ahead of time.

The days steadily grew hotter and longer. Elemir and Maldor reveled in all the free time they had. It became a habit of theirs to head to the summer festival after school. They would do their homework there before spending the afternoon enjoying the festivities. The homework was always done when I checked after they returned, so I allowed them to continue doing it. Elemir and Maldor would talk often of the things they would do when at the festival. A lot of their time was spent practicing their kicking and blocking skills using the soccer net. hearing of that brought back warm memories of Wesley's and mine vacation.

As the summer progressed, it brought Naldir's birthday along. Conrad came over, and a small celebration was thrown. The days passed with ease after that, and Naldir proved to have the same type of personality he had had as a toddler. He was eager to learn, but quiet and a bit absent-minded. The biggest change was that he became obsessed with keeping the house clean. He would make all the beds in the morning, scrub the toilets and sinks as soon as grime appeared, and took charge over all the dirty dishes. All of it was done willingly without a single complaint. Naturally, I had no complaints myself over such behavior.

After a time, I began to grow restless. I had been concerned with too many things for too long. With Elemir, Maldor, and Naldir having a long weekend, I came up with an idea to reserve the local pool so that we could throw a party there. There was no real reason for it other than for it to be a chance for all of us to get together. I didn't reserve the pool exclusively though, so a bunch of others made it a point to come when they learned a big party was being thrown. Quite the crowd showed up. There was already a decent collection of my children and the neighbors swimming and hanging about an hour before the party was supposed to start! Then when the party officially started, boy did it get cramped. We were almost pushing the pool's capacity.

I did a lot of swimming to relieve my body from the burden of my pregnancy. If I wasn't doing that, I was relaxing on a lounger or talking to someone while I helped Wesley cook dinner using the grills. He had volunteered to help me cook so he could show off his new skill. I left him in charge of the hot dogs while I cooked the salmon. I was surprised as the hour grew later that any of what we had cooked had barely been eaten. Then it was if everyone suddenly became hungry at the same time. It was an absolute mess as everyone crowded around the picnic tables trying to get a plate, but it was also amusing to watch. After a bit more hassle, the horde was fed and satisfied. The pool staff was generous, and the let the party last past the time the facilities normally closed. I think we were there until almost midnight. The fun time did have to end though. Things were gathered up, and we all left having a great memory to recall.

And nothing noteworthy really happened from there on for the next several months. Everything continued on as normal as my belly grew bigger and bigger. What also grew bigger and bigger was the anxiousness within my heart. I was glad Wesley had prompted me to get pregnant when I did. I was more than ready to meet my new child. I actually wished I could just start my labor already so I could have my son or daughter to hold in my arms. More weeks passed, and the labor finally did start. It came at a convenient time for once. The boys were at school, Wesley was sleeping, and I was not in need of a nap, shower, or meal. I was able to relax, as much as one can relax during such a situation, and focus solely on giving birth to the child who was indeed a daughter as Wesley and I had hoped she would be. I cried merrily for her and her birth, and named her Ranna.

Yet I would go on to cry in the early hours of the following morning for a very different reason...

Wesley insisted I stay upstairs in my normal bedroom for the first several weeks. There was no room for us to put Ranna's crib downstairs, and it was ridiculous for me to make the trip to the third floor each time she needed something. Would I even be able to hear her crying? I smiled at that last question. Wesley was doubting my hearing, which he should've known better than to do. I insisted I would be able to hear her. Besides, I had actual baby monitors as well. I was determined to sleep in my bed next to him as always. He sighed uncertainly, but couldn't stop me.

I did mildly regret being so stubborn about staying downstairs though. Having to constantly make the trip and down didn't seem like a big issue when I still had somewhat decent energy, but after I laid down and got some rest I found it much harder to get back up. Those stairs truly became a hike for me. As the night progressed, I became more convinced to just go to my proper bed. However, I wanted to sleep next to Wesley for one last time before I did. I simply felt like I had to be near him that night. I had not understood at the time why I felt so strongly about it, but the unwanted answer came soon enough. After tending to Ranna for the thousandth time, I collapsed onto my bed downstairs. It wasn't worth it for me to get under the covers. I felt asleep almost instantly as I watched Wesley breathing quietly.

I don't know how much time passed between when my eyes closed and when Ranna's crying woke me up again. It felt like only seconds, but it must have been at least half an hour. I didn't move for a minute as I wearily got my exhausted eyes to focus. It took a lot of blinking to get them to see properly. It took more blinking still to get me to believe what I was seeing was real. Wesley was wearing the same tranquil expression that Elrunamir had worn- the one that had been on his face when I walked into his room on that dreadful day. I hurriedly touched Wesley's face, checked his pulse, and watched his chest, but my heart and mind had already processed and accepted the truth. To be honest, I didn't react how I expected I would react. The heartbreak and grief built slowly, and my eyes filled with tears.

And yet, there was a lot of peace and relief within my heart. I was not unsatisfied. The only regret I had was that I had not given into temptation sooner so I could have been with Wesley longer. And that was it. I placed a small kiss on his cheek, and whispered a thank you. It was a thank you for everything he had done and all the wonderful years he had given me, but it was a thank you for him taking my advice as well. It would be a relief to not see him suffer anymore. He hadn't prolonged his agony. I'm sure Wesley was feeling much better as he made his rounds to reunite with his parents and meet with my children who had passed. Yes. I was happy he had just let go......