Secrets, Part One

I was glad Wesley had pushed me to become so proficient at meditation. With everything that had happened, I remembered I had that way to block everything out. Meditation became my lifesaver. Despite naneth's silent glares that were now her protest and Eloril's own suggestions, I continued to wear my lilac dress. If I wanted to wear it, then I was going to wear it. It was nice to be able to move about more easily as generally the length of my normal dress does cause some problems. With the amount of problems I already had, the last thing I needed was one more frustration to deal with. Things had become more tense still between naneth and I when it was proven that I was pregnant with Rico's son. I was relieved that I wasn't having twins again. Naneth was upset I had let such a man conceive a child with me. She couldn't believe how I had slept with Rico was similar to how I had slept with most of the men who have helped me create my children. I didn't understand how she thought it would be any other way. What, did she think I was going to go through an extensive courting-like process for each father? I would be nowhere close to finishing the task if I went about it that way. As it is, I have now truly spent more time living amongst humans than I have with my own people.

It was hard to let my little Naldir go, but my little Naldir had become my all-grown-up Naldir. His quickly growing stubble was evidence of that. He had decided as a good number of my previous children have to pursue a career in music. Quite skilled with the guitar, he was quickly hired. I had hoped he might find the idea of continuing to live at home agreeable, but he really wanted his own place. I pouted while I helped him pick one out. Naldir reassured me when he left. He knew a good part of the reason he wanted me to stay was because he helped greatly to keep the peace between me and naneth. Naldir believed we could work everything out. I was much less certain.

I was surprised at how willing naneth was to leave the house. She was the complete opposite from ada, who took a good long time to build up the confidence to mingle with humans again. I wonder if his experiences in Aurora Skies helped him to encourage her before she left. I think there being such constant tension between us might have also prompted her to get away from all of that by heading outside. Besides painting, naneth soon grew to love taking Delerith and Delindir out on strolls. Eloril joined her quickly for it was an easy way for him to get his usual exercise in. They would come back, and they- well, Eloril- would readily tell me of all the places they went to and what they had seen. Delerith and Delindir became attached to their strolls, and would become grumpy if the weather was too bad to go out on one.

Eloril, bless his heart, continued again for a time to make peace between naneth and I. He had remained certain for perhaps foolishly too long that we could get past the thick barrier we had created. It finally sunk in that us getting along was something he couldn't make happen. Not that he utterly stopped trying. He was creative in making opportunities for us to interact with each other available. With spring having arrived, family trips to the park became common thanks to his suggestions. It was a nice switch from being cooped up inside because of the winter weather. Aewen and Alcarien loved the swings, and could often convince Ranna to push them. I occasionally pushed too, but I didn't want to exert myself too much what with me being pregnant and all. The best times where when we would run into the other members of our family. One on particular evening Nora joined us the entire time. She doted on Delerith without abash. We all had a great time, but naneth and I said not one word to each other.

I woke up one morning thoroughly annoyed. Aewen was poking my face. She had gone into the second floor bathroom to take her bath before breakfast, but the shower was broken and streaming water all over the place. The floor was a puddle when I opened the door. I was glad I had enough knowledge to repair what had gone wrong. There would have been a lot of damage done to the floor and ceiling below if we had had to wait for a repairman. It was a miracle no damage had been done already. My frustration mounted when no one would confess to breaking the shower, for it wasn't as if it had suddenly began pouring out wild water by itself. When no one stepped forward, I made everyone, even naneth and Eloril, pool together the money I would have had to spend on getting the shower repaired if I hadn't been able to deal with it myself. I took the money, and went and had a nice lunch at the bistro with it.

There was a bit of a quarrel when I went into labor. My whole labor started out calmly. The pain was minimal, and I went about preparing everything as if I wasn't about to give birth to a child. I didn't even tell naneth and Eloril what was happening until about an hour in to the whole process. That's when the problem started. After 85 children, my labors do not last long and actually giving birth is really not all that bad anymore. I've become an expert. That's why when naneth went about making a big fuss I told her to stop. Then we began bickering over whether she would help with the delivery. I told her I didn't need help- that I was fine doing it on my own. In my head I was also thinking that she would most likely only make things worse. I had a feeling she would prompt me to act when I could tell otherwise what was best for me to do. She would be bossy and stubborn like always, and that would make me mad at a time where the last thing I would need is to be made upset.

Naneth was persistent, but I refused to give in. I thought the fighting would go on and on, but this very upset look suddenly spread across her face and she bolted out of the room.

That made Eloril start going off at me. He couldn't believe how horrible I was being towards her. He knew full well that I could handle the birth on my own, but whether I needed help or not was hardly the issue. Eloril understood I was frustrated at naneth with how she had angered me over having a child with Rico, but this was the first time she would be around for the arrival of one of her grandchildren. She did really care despite her actions, and wanted to be a part of such an important moment. Was I really going to be so cruel as to deny her participation in an event she would never get the chance again to repeat? Did I really have to tell her that I didn't need her and make her feel useless?

Guilt entered my chest. What Eloril was saying was completely right. I kept going on about how naneth was causing so many problems, but my own stubbornness and narrow-mindedness was causing as many problems as well. Like mother like daughter, I suppose. Eloril was quick to forgive me when I apologized, and he brought naneth back into the room.

Thankfully, she didn't make a big deal about my prior rejection. Her composed joy at being allowed to help simply washed away her negative emotions. Eloril took his leave to watch over Delerith and Delindir, leaving me alone with naneth. I was concerned if the two of us would be alright by ourselves, but the whole thing was not nearly as frustrating as I assumed it would be. Naneth, for the most part, was well aware I knew what I was doing. She was willing to let me do what I wanted to do. When the pain began to hit me hard, I laid on the bed to relax. Naneth walked about the room for a while until she became fascinated with the pictures I had by the door.

She asked me if the man in both of them was Wesley. I told her yes. She, ada, and Eloril did know about him. There had been all those years before we became a couple where I wrote to my family liberally about what a great help and wonderful man and father he was. I had acted as if nothing had changed after we did end up together. Elemir had been hard to explain, but they had been willing to accept his birth had been caused by a one-time lapse in my judgment. Naneth was too interested in staring at the pictures for my liking. I worried somewhat that she might eventually catch on to what had happened. I was glad I had the sense to hide away the rest of the evidence of Wesley living with me after he passed. It would have otherwise been all out in the open for naneth and Eloril to discover. I hadn't been able to put away those two pictures though, and they were innocent enough.

The pain built up to its normal fury, and both of us knew the time wouldn't be long. To my further surprise, naneth still did not take charge and boss me to do what she thought was best as I had expected she would. She was actually very sympathetic and comforting. I clearly had not been giving her enough credit. Naneth did make suggestions every now and again as to what I might do to make the pain better or help the child along more, but mostly she stayed by me holding my hand or supporting me when the time truly got close.

And Thoronton was born in peace and mild calm instead of tense air and a battle of wills. I accidentally went ahead and named him without stopping for a moment to consider that I should have let naneth name him as I had let ada name Sidhion. Naneth said nothing about wanting to name him, so I decided I would give her the opportunity when the next child came along. It only seemed fair.

Thoronton had a head full of fair hair like Eloril and I. It was a nice change after having so many children with black hair.

Speaking of children with black hair, well in this case mostly black, Delerith and Delindir had their birthday not too long after the birth of their youngest brother. They remained, as always, an adorable duo. They reminded me a lot of Elvaran and Analinde. The two were incredible close and loved doing everything together, but blessedly they were not so attached to each where it began to cause problems like before. They were fine being separated and doing their own thing without having to have the other around.

Thanks to Thoronton's birth, naneth became quite kind for a time. I believed Eloril would finally get his wish of the two of us making up and truly getting along. We were able to talk more freely without getting angry. I began to actually want to spend time with her. She and Ranna grew close to the point where naneth would sneak into Ranna's room to re-wind the music box she loved listening to while she slept. Everything was going so wonderfully. I had no clue as to how fast that would change, and how long it would be before things were right for any of us. As soon as that afternoon happened, nothing ever returned to how it had been before.

That afternoon didn't come right away. I had to meet the man responsible for most of the trouble first. Naneth had gone out for a walk, and Eloril was babysitting Thoronton. I had told him he was free to get out of the house to do what he wanted more, but once I mentioned how I wanted to continue on the task he was surprisingly stubborn about giving me the chance to do just that. With him practically shoving me out of the door, I made my way down to the spring festival that had recently been set up. It was always a good place for me to find men as there were constantly many people there, but I struggled at first seeing how the festival brought back memories of Wesley. I became so despondent that I almost went right home.

Then I met him. His name was Silas Snodgrass. I laughed when I heard it at first despite myself. I apologized for I hadn't meant to make fun of him. He was a good sport about it, and told me just to call him Silas. He got a good laugh out of the his name himself, and would have changed it if it hadn't been a name going back generations. The two of us talked a lot afterwards. He, like so many before him, was incredibly interested in me being an elf. It was a decent while that we stood there furthering our discussion, for Silas was as interested in me as I was in him. The evidence was clear that he would be someone willing to help me get what I needed.

And then naneth appeared from absolutely nowhere. She butted in between Silas and I very rudely. Before I could ask her what her reason was for interrupting us, she began rattling off at me how badly she needed me to come home. All of her excuses for why were utter rubbish. When I refused and told her to go away, she only pestered me more. Our conversation was in elvish so Silas had no idea what was going on, but I think he had a small clue of what was happening based on the tone of our voices. He was not pleased. Naneth did such a good job of annoying me that I gave in. I told Silas that I was required at home, and naneth quickly led me away.

I was horribly furious by the time we returned home. Naneth tried to walk away from me as if nothing had happened, but I was not going to let her get away. She avoided my questioning until I wore her down as she had worn me down. Naneth admitted that as soon as she had seen Silas she had been able to tell that he was not someone I should trust. If I wanted nothing bad to come about, I had to stay far away from him.

What nonsense! There was no way naneth would be able to determine whether he was trustworthy or not just from a simple glance. All there was to it was that she was still against how I went about finding fathers for the task. I wasn't going about it how she wanted me to go about it, so now there she was getting in my way. I asked her if she didn't want me to return home. Naneth answered that of course she did. Then I couldn't understand why she was preventing me from doing what would allow me to go home after already having been forced away for four centuries. Naneth implored that she only was trying to protect me. Silas was indeed someone I could not trust. If I perhaps went about things more slowly and did a proper examination of the men who wanted to help me...

And there it was. Naneth trying to convince me to do things her way. I wasn't having it. I argued against her until she grew angry as well. Then we returned to how we had been. She and I went at it until we simply grew tired of bickering.

Naneth never stopped trying to convince me to stay away from Silas. I rolled my eyes and ignored her whenever she started on another one of her rants. I had managed to get his number before she interrupted us, and called him everyday. We got to know each other pretty well. There was never one moment where I doubted that he was someone I could trust. He was unfaltering in his kindness and ability to make me laugh. The more naneth went off at me and the more I spoke to the man she wanted me to leave alone, the more determined I became to make sure he was the next father of my child. It wasn't too hard to pull it off. Silas remained as willing as he was when we first met to give me what I needed. As soon as the house was empty, I gave him a call to come over. He was there within ten minutes, and we began enjoying ourselves.

Naneth nearly ruined the whole thing. I didn't understand why she had come back, and I never got an explanation. I had made sure to wait until I knew she would be gone for a good long while before I made the call to Silas. Then what happens? When we're really starting to get heated up, naneth suddenly walks right into the room is what happens! I could have sworn I had locked the door, but it was obvious then that I hadn't. Naneth instantly forgot the reason she wanted me when she saw the two of us. My eyes had flown open at the unexpected distraction, and naneth covered hers. Silas was only slightly bothered. He made no attempt to move from his position, and merely stared at naneth in curiosity. With her eyes still covered, she fled the room as she slammed the door behind her. My mood had almost been lost. However, Silas was so convincing that I found myself being lured back into desire. It was naneth's own fault for bursting in without knocking. I was going to do what I was going to do regardless of her.

Yet I knew I was going to get an awful earful from her later on. I tried not to think about it too much as Silas and I continued our time together. He managed to slip out quietly when we finished. I took a shower before braving the downstairs floors to deal with what I knew I couldn't avoid. It was relieving when I saw Eloril had returned from his own outing. I knew he would be on my side this time. I had had no ulterior motive in sleeping with Silas. My intention truly had only been to further the task, and he understood how important that was. Eloril did indeed side with me when naneth saw me and started going off on one of her rants.

At first, it was the same old same old. Horrible daughter. I never listen. I'm corrupted. Blah blah blah. I would have let it roll right off me if I wasn't so tired of hearing it. However, it was when she started going on about how much trouble I had caused our family that my confusion grew. She was talking about some problem they had had to fix because of my wayward actions.

Eloril tried to get her to stop talking. Naneth was on a rampage though. I don't think she was even hearing him she was so angry. I wanted to know what I had supposedly done. Naneth was stubborn about whatever she was hiding, and it took me riling her up further to prompt the secret out. She yelled at me that the problem had been the little human I had decided to take in.

What? What "little human" was she talking about? Naneth told me it was that blasted man in my pictures.

My mouth dropped open wide. Wesley?! How in the world did she know I had let him live with me?!

Eloril roared at her to shut up. Apparently, ada had made both of them swear before coming here not to say anything about it. Naneth swatted him away. She had something to say, and she was going to say it. I had to ask her before she went off again how in the world she knew about the two of us. My family, and everyone back home, had known pretty much as soon as Wesley and I became a couple that we had become a couple, but she wouldn't give me any clue as to how they had found out no matter how much I questioned her about it. What an uproar I had created for her and ada though! They had almost been forced to step down from their positions as the leaders of the eastern land! It was only because ada was so respected by the other leaders that they were willing to discuss the matter. Ada had pleaded for me nonstop. He begged the others to not pass down judgment. He had actually attempted to have the law changed so I wouldn't be at fault. The other leaders refused to change the law, but they had been willing to grant me a reprieve. They had reasoned I couldn't be blamed since I, still a sensitive and naive child, wouldn't stand a chance against the sinful ways of a dirty human man such as Wesley. My mistake was to be overlooked, and there would be no punishment when I returned.

Naneth, according to her own words, knew better than to think me sensitive and naive. As I said she would earlier on in this tale, she fully believed it was right for me to be doomed to be alone for eternity due to my actions. However, she had let me get away with it all for ada's sake. His heart she couldn't stand to break. Me though, the whore of a daughter that I had clearly become, she couldn't care less about.

Eloril shoved her hard away from me. With tears already pouring down my cheeks, I hurriedly let him wrap me in the embrace he offered. The brief glance of his face I caught before I buried my head against his chest made me glad that fury was not directed towards me. The only other time I remembered seeing him filled with such absolute rage was when some bratty boys I had been playing with when I was young scared me and caused me to fall out of a tree. I can scarcely remember anything else about that day besides his anger as I was so little, but I was told it was a miracle I hadn't been killed the instant I smashed into the ground. Eloril would have sent all of those boys to the healers if there hadn't been an adult to hold him back. I'm sure it was naneth being naneth and me against him holding him back now.

He tried his best not to completely lose it with her for my sake. He told naneth it was beyond him when she had become so heartless. During all of our childhood she had been so kind. Now this horrid person was coming from nowhere. I scoffed at that. During all of his childhood she had been kind, I corrected. For me, the only difference between now and then was that I was actually fighting back and she had stopped taking her stick to my hands. Eloril tensed up. He didn't know what I was talking about. I explained how she would always pull me aside to rant at me- to put before me all the mistakes I had made and the belief that I would never measure up to her expectations. About every other day I would do something bad enough to warrant a bigger punishment than a mere lecture. She had a round stick she would take to my hands until they were close to bleeding.

I could feel Eloril shaking. I didn't dare look up to see his expression. I mumbled that I thought he had known. He was vocal that he hadn't. He, nor ada for that matter, would have never allowed her to do that to me if they had had any hint about what was going on! It was a burden lifted from my shoulders to hear that. I had assumed they truly had been aware of what naneth was doing, and thus agreeing with it. I had thought it strange especially for ada to never have said anything about it given his firm stance against any kind of physical reprimand, but it seemed just as strange to think that he was left entirely in the dark. Thinking harder about it, I do suppose it makes sense though. Naneth's sterner lectures were always done when it was just the two of us. No matter how red my hands were due to her swatting they healed quickly since my body could recover itself so quickly. They would appear fine by the time I encountered someone else. Assuming everyone else knew, I never said a word.

Eloril asked naneth if what I was saying was true. She kept her silence, which was all the confirmation he needed. I was held tighter. I knew then that naneth had to leave, and leave as soon as possible. I couldn't get a grip on my tears no matter how badly I tried to get them to stop. It was taking all my energy not to break......