Behind the Scenes Special 4

Due to some issues giving me problems, I wasn't able to get enough material ready for a normal update today. So you'll all be getting another Behind the Scenes update today instead! It covers the last of Ellothiel's time in Riverview, her kidnapping arc, and Urelia's side story.

Starting us off is a picture I can't remember for the life of me why I took it, haha. Ellothiel doesn't do a lot of idles, so I must have found this action interesting or something. *shrug*

Memory Lane, Part Two

You can believe I was even more exhausted and irritable after the flight to China. I don't know how Eloril continued to have what seemed like limitless energy, but I supposed he had more drive and purpose towards all the traveling. He was determined to do what he could to help me remember. I was more nonchalant about the whole thing. It was like what Eloril told me in Appaloosa Plains. I had to let myself relax and not force my brain into chaos. If there was anything more that was going to come back, it would come back when it was ready. I was pulled out of my bad mood again though when the visit to China turned out to be a lot of fun. Eloril and I spent most of our time outside of the main town. We went to this sort of sanctuary area where the desire to meditate proved strangely strong. I was somehow able to tell Eloril the proper way to fully let oneself float away, and he picked up the skill pretty quickly. The two of us sat there for a good long while. It was that hour or so that really helped me calm down and regain focus.

Secrets, Part Two

Eloril led me upstairs and sat me down on my bed. I was in a daze, and he didn't say much of anything as I'm sure he was in shock too. He really only had ever known kindness from naneth. While he had been aware she and I weren't as close as we should be, he never could have imagined just how bad things had been for so long. The news of how she had treated me must have been a jolt to his system. It ruined the image of the ideal family he had pictured us being. My tears stopped when he sat me down, and left me to deal with naneth. I thought about our family. What was going to happen now? How was ada going to react when he found out what I had been through? I could just see it throwing a massive blast into my parents' marriage. Ada taught Eloril and I how to fight, but it was the horrible sights of the wars from his memories that prompted his dedication to make sure we could protect ourselves. Those horrible recollections had him otherwise convinced that physical reprimand was one of the most despicable actions on the planet. Ada had seen so much violence and how much damage it caused. He couldn't understand why anyone who loved their child would be so cruel as to hurt them in such a way.

That's when the little voice from before came back to me. Only this time, it was singing a different tune. I really did love naneth. Even now the thought of thinking that I didn't made my stomach churn with disgust and guilt. Somehow I still cared for her a lot, and I wanted her to care for me too. However, the little voice was whispering to me that she didn't. I fought back against it. Naneth had come all this way to see me. She had lovingly helped me deliver my son. She had told me she wanted to protect me. She had said she wanted me home.

The voice began its argument using my own words against me. I had been thinking about how ada couldn't understand how anyone who love their child would hurt them physically. Well, if my naneth didn't love me it would make sense then that she could continually whip my hands without fretting about it. Then there was everything else- all the horrible names she had called me, how she would have punished me to be alone forever if it had been her choice, and how she said she couldn't care less about me.

Continuing On

Though I was indeed grateful Wesley's pain and agony was not lengthened unnecessarily, my heart still broke into a million pieces at his passing. My grief fully hit me several minutes after I woke up that night, and even Ranna's loud crying was lost on me. The craziness started a few more minutes after that when Maldor came to see what was going on when my daughter's crying didn't stop. I remember him alerting Elemir, Elemir freaking out, Maldor going to get Ranna, and me being almost absolutely useless. The hours until the sun rose were long indeed.

The days that followed were longer yet. The troubles I encountered were nothing new. My heart bled, I found it hard to summon the will to do much of anything, I barely slept or ate, I cried all the time, and I found myself attracted to the spots where Wesley and I would often sit and relax. However, my familiarity with such burdens did nothing to make their weight less. One of the few reliefs I had truly was that I had no doubts or regrets. Even my great heartbreak did not make me question whether or not I had done the right thing. I knew I had. The satisfaction of having had all those wonderful years helped pull me through where as the guilt I would have had if I had pushed Wesley away would have dragged me down further. My suffering was terrible, and yet I knew I would overcome it.

Dwindling

I would like to say that Wesley and I resolved our issues calmly and like rational adults after we each had some time to calm down. Unfortunately, that is not at all how things went. We went through a too long period of time where we didn't even speak. After two days passed, it became that much harder to break the silence. We eventually had no choice but to do so though. The sudden tension and negative atmosphere taking over the house was really affecting the children. They had no idea what was going on, but Wesley and I being so angry caused them to become angry simply by extension. The conversations Wesley and I had were shallow. We didn't try at all to address our issues. The only positive thing to come about was that those superficial conversations did at least get us talking, and moved us one step closer towards making an actual resolution.

That stage of our fight lasted several days. Thralas had his birthday during that time. Besides Elemir, he had been the least bothered by everything going on. That thankfully meant he was able to celebrate his special day without any worries. We took him out to the store so he could pick out his birthday present, which the children seem to enjoy more rather than being surprised with things they didn't really want. Thralas picked out a horse rocker. It was placed in the corner of his room, and I've barely seen him since as he can stay on that thing for hours.

Hidden

I got a bit worried as to where Amonost and Adonnen had gotten one afternoon after the high school students had gotten out for the day. Normally, the twins come home right away. However, Cadrier returned home alone having no idea where his brothers had gone. I tried not to panic too much. It was very unlikely something had happened, and more probably they had just wandered around for a bit. That pretty much turned out to be the case. It was such a nice day they had decided to walk home instead of taking the bus. On the way, they came across the ice cream truck. They proceeded to buy an icicle for all of us, and came home carrying them all. I would have said something about them at least giving me a short text letting me know about the delay, but the ice cream cooled my slight annoyance.

Changes

It certainly was a very strange several weeks that passed after that afternoon. Wesley, of course, was going to move in. It took a little time for that to happen though. He first had to sell the place he was currently at, as well as packing all his things up and dealing with other technicalities like having his address updated. I was somewhat disappointed that things didn't really change right away due to Wesley being busy. With me so nervous about the whole thing in general, delaying the plan gave me too much time to hesitate and ponder if I should back out.

Then Wesley had some spare time, and the whole family went to the summer festival. Tridia was switched between Wesley, Ris, Amonost, Adonnen, and I so we could all participate in the fun, but that day I didn't mind holding her most of the time. In fact, I preferred it. It gave me the opportunity to study that family of mine which was steadily growing closer thanks to the prospect of Wesley and I finally being together. Ris and Cadrier have always gotten along fine with Ray and Henry, but there was something about Wesley growing into a true constant presence, especially a father-like presence, that made them more energetic than usual. It was their excitement that strengthened my resolve. Amonost and Adonnen's cheerfulness at having their father move in helped as well, although not as much. "It's about time." had been their lazy blunt reaction.

Giving In

I really didn't mean to, but I almost forgot. Again. I thought I needed to start marking the calendar so I wouldn't have this issue anymore, and I was close to doing just that. It was simply that the household had been so calm after that crazy storm of birthday after birthday. I was enjoying the new schedule we had all fallen into, and I was looking forward to the days ahead. Then I remembered the days ahead included me having another child. By the time the realization came, my normal deadline for conception had long passed. With few options available to me, I went back to the house where Henry lived. I hoped this one particular man I had met on my previous trip there, Mr. Clifton Langston, would be willing to do a little something with me. He welcomed my advances warmly, although I did hesitate for a moment. I hadn't noticed before that he was decently older than the men I usually sleep with. I really didn't have much of a choice though.

The Presence

Honestly, I pretty much forgot about the time I spent with Henry. It had been a moment that was so routine and uninteresting compared to all the highs I had experienced with Wesley, so it took the bulging of my stomach to remind me that I was carrying another child. I became excited then. My first thought was hoping to have another girl, but there was a strangely confident thought within my mind whispering over and over again that the child would be a boy. I wanted to find out to prove my hopes superior, but this was not one of the pregnancies where I would find out ahead of time. I've done a good job up until this point of keeping to the tradition I decided on. It would have been a shame to break it.

Henry ended up being excited too when he heard I was pregnant. Sort of. His excitement certainly isn't anything compared to the real excitement that had been so obvious with Wesley when I was pregnant with Amonost and Adonnen. I'm just glad Henry is willing to try though, and isn't going to shirk off his responsibilities.

Warning

While it felt like the summer lasted forever, everything has been moving so quickly since then. I was astounded when it was time for Ris' birthday again. My adorable, cheerful little toddler changed into an adorable, cheerful little girl. The only time Ris isn't really cheerful is when I make her go outside. She has grown a dislike for the outdoors, which I naturally cannot understand. It boggles my mind how anyone cannot find the beautiful world of nature that gives birth to everything we use an amazing gift with which to be grateful for. Ris stubbornly stays inside though. I make sure then to keep her productive and active in order to make up for her lack of movement and exercise.

Success

My desire to visit Eleme had been strong for some time, but it took me longer than I liked to get the chance to see her. Eleme was just so busy with work, and with her schedule being ridiculously sporadic it was difficult to pin down an appropriate time for me to pop by. One calm afternoon finally came to her though. Her husband was out, but I was glad just seeing her and little Jasen. While Jasen does have Eleme's dark skin and hair and our family's green eyes, it's clear as day that he takes after his father when it comes to the structure of his face. Jasen is a quiet fellow, but you can understand by his expressions that he understands a lot more than his soft demeanor lets on.