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I got a bit worried as to where Amonost and Adonnen had gotten one afternoon after the high school students had gotten out for the day. Normally, the twins come home right away. However, Cadrier returned home alone having no idea where his brothers had gone. I tried not to panic too much. It was very unlikely something had happened, and more probably they had just wandered around for a bit. That pretty much turned out to be the case. It was such a nice day they had decided to walk home instead of taking the bus. On the way, they came across the ice cream truck. They proceeded to buy an icicle for all of us, and came home carrying them all. I would have said something about them at least giving me a short text letting me know about the delay, but the ice cream cooled my slight annoyance.

Such a small thing would then go on to be the least of my problems. I stopped worrying about any minor inconveniences for I had something much grander to face. I had tried to play the fool for a while. I had tried to ignore what was happening. Of course, it was something I could not possibly brush aside. The slowly growing bulge of my stomach brought the truth along with it, as well as heavy feelings of devastation and worry. And panic. A lot of panic. I was pregnant again, and I had only slept with one man since I had conceived Thralas. That meant I had made the same mistake again. I was making a mess of things again. Something horrible would be waiting for me again. I grew so distraught that I couldn't even move. I collapsed into a chair, and felt so incredibly sick as all the negative emotions washed over me. This really was the point where I would be shown I couldn't have what I wanted after all.

Of course, Wesley didn't see it that way. I revealed the truth to him as soon as I could. Although he understood why I would be worried given that he knew very well what happened with Eiji, the depth of my despair confused him. He still fully believed the situation with Eiji and how I had to give away Londuil and Ninnor had never been a punishment for a having a second child with the same man. It truly had only been the wrong actions of those dratted grandparents. He told me I clearly didn't have to worry about that happening a second time. I didn't have to worry about anything bad happening. He reassured me over and over again. He would make everything alright, he said. He wouldn't let anything happen.

I could not be cheered up. I tried so hard to believe his words, but me thinking of that painful incident even though I did what I could to forget it kept bringing up surge after surge of more despair and panic. Wesley eventually changed his tactic in comforting me. He reminded me that though we slept together frequently, we had been so careful about taking precautions that it bordered on the line of sheer ridiculousness. If we had still conceived a child after all of that perhaps it meant that the child was supposed to be born. Maybe not for the purpose of fulfilling the task, but there were more things besides the task that were important to the world. Wesley then said maybe this was a way the Goddess was showing that she didn't mind the two of us being together- that she was giving us the child to raise together as a normal couple without the burden of the order hanging above our heads.

I wish I could say either proposal, which were both so logical, did something to ease my concerns. But they barely did anything.

Wesley and I went to the hospital for an ultrasound as soon as the baby was big enough. Wesley even took off work so we wouldn't have to wait until the weekend when he was free. I didn't say much the entire time. I believe the nurses were a bit concerned for me since I had been so pale due all the stress and my nerves. Part of my was completely convinced I would be having multiples again. That part of me also feared this would of course be the time where I would have conceived quadruplets again. That belief was because of the nausea I had been experiencing. I had not had it for some time, but now it was suddenly back. The rational part of me said it was because I was worrying so much that I was making myself sick, yet I didn't want to think rationally for whatever reason. It seemed worse to hope and have that hope shattered rather than to remain in my gloom.

The news that Wesley and I received was that we were having another boy. Just one this time around. One would think hearing that would finally do something for me. The truth is that I broke down outside of the hospital. I honestly had been trying to cope with everything reasonably, but seeing the baby growing inside me which was concrete confirmation of what was happening was too much. I couldn't even make it to Wesley's car. He had to sit with me on one of the benches in the hospital's yard where he desperately tried and failed again to comfort me. I started crying because I was scared, but what made me not able to stop was how disgusted I felt with myself. Wesley was being so kind to me as always, but I knew he was unhappy with me. Us being together and having another child should have been a happy event which we both should have been celebrating.

And there I was acting as if our child was the most horrible thing that could have ever happened to our lives. I can't image what he must have been feeling.

In a strange turn of events, it got to the point where the guilt of my actions overpowered my fears of something bad happening. I remained worried beyond all belief, but I at least managed to get my act together. Wesley and I were both grateful for this, but it really was much more of a relief for him. He had been so close to losing his patience with me. The last thing I would have needed was for him to be angry with me.

What was better was that I was able to be decently cheerful for Tridia's birthday. Wesley and I had dressed her in yellow when she was younger because we thought it looked cute on her. It was amusing then when she continued to demand all her outfits still be in yellow since she loved it so much. We tried sneaking in some other colors here and there, but if the outfits weren't mostly yellow Tridia would have a fit. She had to have her "most favoritest color ever."

For her birthday present I bought a second sprinkler system. I had bought one for my garden so I would no longer have to manually water my plants. Tridia had wanted to play with it, but I couldn't let her run all around my plants. My lovely garden would be reduced to mush. That's why I got her a separate system just for her. She absolutely loved it, and played in the water for hours on end. After a couple days, she asked me if we could have a pool and a water slide as well. I said no to the pool, but that I would buy a water slide next summer. It was far too late in the season to make such a purchase then.

Coping with Amonost and Adonnen's birthday was both harder and easier than I expected it to be. Naturally, I did not want them to leave. I needed them around more than ever given what I was going through. To have to deal with them moving so far away would only bring me down again. Thankfully, that's where the easier part of coping with their birthday came into play. Though they would be so much older than him, Amonost and Adonnen were excited beyond all belief to be having a little brother. They just had to wait until he was born before they left. The two of them spent their extra days at home sitting on the couch and playing video games, but at least they were indeed home. I hoped their extra time in Twinbrook would have them change their minds about leaving, but it did nothing of the sort.

I will admit, it was the most surreal thing having Amonost and Adonnen stand next to Wesley. I knew when they were young that it was going to be this way, but to actually see them in a little line evoked a feeling that could not be described. Amonost and Adonnen really had turned out to look almost identical to Wesley just like everyone had expected. Amonost even styled his growing facial hair the same way as his father's. If it wasn't for his eyes, Adonnen's hair, and Wesley's growing collection of wrinkles, they could have passed for a set of identical triplets. I tried to get a nice picture of the three of them, but the twins were being their usual typical selves and joked around too much. Wesley had to give them each a small slap on the back of their heads, and I managed to get something somewhat decent.

Things took a step backward for me when it came to dealing with the reality my pregnancy. I wasn't as volatile as I was towards the beginning when I found out, but as the pregnancy had progressed my hormones naturally raged with their typical vengeance. It was difficult sometimes as I was only just managing to keep a sort of calm grip on myself. My emotions overwhelmed me occasionally, and when that happened I became a pain to deal with. Wesley finally lost most of his patience when it came to dealing with my outbursts. We began arguing more and more. There were a few times when simply stopped talking. At those times, my already stressed capacity for handling bad events was pressed to the point where I began to fear Wesley would one day stand up and say he was leaving.

Then there was the other side of the situation. There were as many normal days as there were hectic ones. One time I was playing with Thralas on the couch as my feet ached too much to stand. Wesley came over, sat down, we began talking, and it wasn't long before the three of us were lying there against each other taking a nap. Yes, there would be those moments and I would wonder why I ever let myself get worried at all.

The momentous day came what seemed very quickly after what felt like a very long pregnancy. I forgot about everything else when I went into labor. Wesley made no attempt to coax me towards going to the hospital. He had learned his lesson. The labor went swiftly. Not quite as swiftly as the one I went through with Thralas, but quick enough. It was also a lot more painful than normal. Still, the hours passed. The next thing I knew I was holding my new son in my arms. With his slightly darker skin and hair like mine, Wesley and I assumed he would look like Adonnen. Which basically meant he would look like Wesley, Amonost, and Adonnen. Our new son was named Elemir.

After the labor, I continued to be in enough pain that there was no room left for fretting within my heart. All I could focus on was steadily easing the pain away through rest and a bit of medication. I was able to fall asleep, and so I took a good long nap. I went into the nursery when I woke up several hours later, and my worries were suddenly and definitively vanquished. Wesley was there holding Elemir as he cared for him. Seeing our son being so tenderly held by his father warmed me with peace. What Wesley had been telling me all along sunk in. Things truly were alright. There had been no reason to worry. The Goddess wasn't going to fill my life with grief for one small delay and moment of selfishness.

Amonost and Adonnen stayed for another two weeks. Those weeks became very uncertain for it was Elemir's birth that made them reconsider if moving away from everyone was the best choice. The two definitely didn't like the idea of not getting to watch their little brother grow up and pester him at every chance they could get. The desire to chase their dreams won in the end though. I was disappointed, but as I had known for so long they were set on leaving I understood I could not complain. We had a big farewell meal before they departed. Wesley then helped them pack their luggage into their car before Amonost and Adonnen came to the door to say goodbye. They each let me hold them for much longer than they normally did. The time came for them to get in the car and drive away though. I watched them until the car was completely out of view. I then proceed to go into my room and sulk for a few hours.

I had planned after Elemir's birth to wait a while before I even thought about becoming pregnant again. Having Tridia, Thralas, and him in pretty rapid succession had taken quite a toll on me. Wesley and I were so exhausted after dealing with my tumultuous emotions while carrying Elemir and then preparing Amonost and Adonnen to leave that at night all we had the energy to do was simply fall asleep as we got into bed.

However, there was this sense of urgency that wouldn't depart from my chest. It grew stronger and louder each day. It refused to leave me alone. I thought more about the curious sensation, and realized I was being prompted. Then another realization hit me. Elemir's birth hadn't been a delay at all. He had simply been born in the space of time that I normally would have waited between having Thralas and the next child for the task. Having him hadn't thrown off my schedule of what I needed to do. Yet. I understood then that I had lost my period of rest, and if I truly didn't want to delay the task and irritate the Goddess then I had to continue on.

I pondered about what I should do. There had been no new residents in Twinbrook for a while. By now, everyone had a strong idea of what would happen if I slept with a man. The few who didn't care about that did seem to care that I was in a relationship with Wesley. Thus there was no one to convince. I believe that predicament and the short amount of time in which I had to conceive a child is what prompted the Goddess to give me an allowance. Otherwise I couldn't explain the unexpected motivation in my chest that told me to do something  I hadn't done since I had become pregnant with Ettelendil. I went to the hospital to be impregnated instead of sleeping with a man. I went in the late afternoon. With the arrival of autumn, the light of the day was already drastically faded by the time I entered the building. The whole procedure went quickly, and I was confident when I walked out that it had worked.

However, my confidence soon faded and my heart rapidly broke. I had checked my phone, and there had been a voice mail waiting for me from Jade. She had been crying as she had told me the terrible news. Ithilas had passed away. It had been quiet, peaceful, and because of his age, but it had still been unexpected and well before any of us had anticipated him departing. I was glad no one was once around in that hospital yard. This time it took me a while to find the strength to even move to sit down on the bench. If anyone had seen me, I would have been quite the sight standing there and crying as I had been.

What made it worse is that I was the one who had to bring new homes to everyone else. I always hate when I have to gather them all together as I break my heart further as I break theirs. Then I still had to call Amonost and Adonnen as well. After that, there was scarcely a time when I had felt so grateful to have Wesley there with me as I did in the following weeks. His comforting helped more than I can state.

Cadrier was incredibly supportive as well. He and Tridia weren't as strongly affected as I or their older brothers or siblings were. Truthfully, they didn't know Ithilas that well. There has always been that sort of reality though. My children who grow up in the house at the same time tend to be close, but once the age difference grows larger and larger there begins to be a barrier- sometimes a big one. It's only a natural development, but it is hard to watch it occur time after time. But anyway, Cadrier was eager to help out constantly with things like taking care of Thralas and playing with Tridia. He was excited to be the big brother in the house. His relationship with Amonost and Adonnen had been fine, but the absence of their continuous jests and loving bullying was allowing him to grow into his own more.

Slowly, things became better. Slowly, my stomach started to grow. Honestly, my grief had been so great that I had completely forgotten about my trip to the hospital. I accepted my pregnancy easily though. However, I didn't make a mention of it to the others. It has been many years since I've made real announcements whenever I conceive a child. Everyone knows what is going on and what to expect, so the bumps of mine are enough to show them it has become that time again. Unfortunately, my action of not announcing my pregnancy as had been my habit for years and years worked strongly against my favor one night. It added a lot of fuel to the fire, in fact.

Wesley came home from work that evening looking horridly livid. He was angry in a way that almost frightened me. I had never seen a true furious expression on his face before. My first thought was that something had happened at work. Eleme has told me things can get pretty heated at the stadium what with the constant air of competition and collection of strong personalities. However, as soon as Wesley spotted me he walked right over. I knew instantly it was me he was mad at. The angry expression momentarily slid away to change into one of shock and surprise as he noticed my stomach. I had been wearing my normal clothes earlier in the day, but they had proved too tight so I had changed into my maternity wear.

Wesley asked why I wasn't freaking out like before. I wondered why he expected me to be. We were going to delay the task again, he pointed out. My brief confusion cleared. I hadn't realized from his perspective it would indeed look as if he had gotten me pregnant again. I let him know the child wasn't his. When he asked me whose it was, I explained to him about my trip to the hospital.

Wesley's eyes narrowed further. Well, that was just great, he said in irritation. That was yet another thing I hadn't been kind enough to tell him about. Did I have anything else I was keeping hidden?

That threw me off guard. I asked what in the world was he going on about. Why was he suddenly so upset? He responded rudely by saying he should probably just keep it a secret since I was so fond of having secrets myself. That's when I began to become upset as well. I told Wesley that he could have a go with me if that's what he wanted, but that he'd better do it directly or he would be in for a rough time. Wesley came out with the explanation then. He had been walking home from work when he had met Rithranduil on the sidewalk. Rithranduil had wanted to know if there had been any problems with the person who had secretly watching the family. Wesley was sure I could imagine his shock at hearing that. Rithranduil was as confused just as Wesley was completely lost at my son's words.

Rithranduil had then told him the truth. Wesley glared at me stronger. That a person had been stalking us was something he should have been told about as soon as possible. It was his right to know about things like that. I argued that we hadn't been a couple at that point. I hadn't wanted to worry him. Wesley threw his hands up. That's didn't matter! He was worrying more now that he would've if I had told him from the start. Besides, he was not one my children that I had to protect. He was the one who was supposed to be doing the protecting, but how could he do that if he had no idea what was going on?

Then he gestured towards me. Now there was this. That annoyed me. What about me being pregnant frustrated him? He knew what I had to do and to expect this sort of thing. He had promised me he wouldn't get in the way of me doing the task. Why, then, was it such a big deal if I actually went ahead and did what I was supposed to be doing?

"Honestly?" Wesley said with exasperation. I clearly didn't get it. No, I obviously didn't. According to Wesley, me telling him about my pregnancy should have been common courtesy. He might not be related to Tridia or Thralas by blood, but has basically become their father since Clifton and Carlton really don't care. He was going to be the father for this new child too since I had received the man's contribution through donation. I should have been able to figure out at least that much myself. Then I would have seen how important it was to have revealed the news to him right away the same as I would have done if the child truly was his.

But the fact of the matter was that this child was not his, I reminded him. I had never once forced him to take on any sort of obligation to act as the father of my children whom I had with other men. It was a position he was accepting willingly, and one he didn't have to accept at all. Wesley became more exasperated. He told me I was being absolutely ridiculous. How did I expect him not to become their father? Was he supposed to ignore his love for them and deny them the security and care of one of the roles most integral and needed in their lives? How was he supposed to stand on the side and refuse them what he could so easily give?

I caved a bit then. Fine. He had made his point in that regard. However, there was still no reason for him to be as upset as he was. It hadn't been that long since I had been able to confirm that I was pregnant myself. He truly wasn't finding out that much later. I could understand why not knowing would be a slight inconvenience, but here he was acting as if I had betrayed him or something.

Wesley groaned in frustration. He couldn't believe I still didn't get it. We were a couple, and had been now for a decently long while. However, with this whole situation among other smaller day to day actions, I constantly acted as if I continued to be on my own. I was diminishing his love, role, and purpose as my partner. I had to include him in more of what went on. I shook my head. Though I had never intended to keep my distance, I was fine with keeping some separation between us. Wesley knew as well as I did that he wasn't going to be around forever. If I become too dependent on him, it will make my grieving that much more painful when he passes. I will be as worse or worse than how I have been grieving Ithilas- and at that point he wouldn't be able to comfort me since he would be the one causing me pain. Relying on him too much also would also increase how difficult it would be for me to adjust back to being completely alone again when the time of his death did come.

Wesley grew silent at that. I don't think he liked me reminding him how he was a time-bomb ticking that truly would leave me alone and lonely for the rest of eternity when he finally did blow. He had always had more trouble accepting that fact than I have. I didn't say anything further either. The two of us just glared at each other for a moment. Wesley eventually turned on his heel, and walked away. He went upstairs, and soon I heard the sound of the shower running. He did not come out for a very long time......