Dwindling

I would like to say that Wesley and I resolved our issues calmly and like rational adults after we each had some time to calm down. Unfortunately, that is not at all how things went. We went through a too long period of time where we didn't even speak. After two days passed, it became that much harder to break the silence. We eventually had no choice but to do so though. The sudden tension and negative atmosphere taking over the house was really affecting the children. They had no idea what was going on, but Wesley and I being so angry caused them to become angry simply by extension. The conversations Wesley and I had were shallow. We didn't try at all to address our issues. The only positive thing to come about was that those superficial conversations did at least get us talking, and moved us one step closer towards making an actual resolution.

That stage of our fight lasted several days. Thralas had his birthday during that time. Besides Elemir, he had been the least bothered by everything going on. That thankfully meant he was able to celebrate his special day without any worries. We took him out to the store so he could pick out his birthday present, which the children seem to enjoy more rather than being surprised with things they didn't really want. Thralas picked out a horse rocker. It was placed in the corner of his room, and I've barely seen him since as he can stay on that thing for hours.

Elemir had his birthday as well. I must begin my sentence with "Unfortunately" once again though for by the time his birthday came around Wesley and I had taken a step backwards. I couldn't even understand why it was so hard all of a sudden for us to deal with what should have been a very simple reconciliation. We both had justified points as well things that we needed to work on. Normally after calming down we would have talked it out and made peace. Instead, it was allowed to progress to where things really went bad. When Elemir had his birthday, I hadn't focused much on his appearance. He was adorable and naturally reminded me so much of Amonost and Adonnen when they were his age. His eyes were what caught me by surprise for a moment. They weren't my green coloring or Wesley's brownish-gray coloring either, but solid gray. I didn't think anything further of them after that moment. However, a simple thing such as his eyes being gray lead to one moment that was somehow both absolutely horrible and managed to fix everything in the end.

The older children were all at school. Elemir was upstairs taking a nap. After a morning of almost total silence between us, it finally got to the point where I was fed up. I wanted everything right again. I followed Wesley around trying to get him to talk to me properly. Though I was willing to admit many of the points he had made had been correct and accept my own faults, he apparently just wanted to stay angry. He didn't even want to hear of my agreement to what he had said. It was so tempting to become upset again, but I pushed away that temptation. As Wesley's voice grew louder and louder, it dawned on me it was mostly my fault he was like this now. He had had to deal with me being so awful during my pregnancy with Elemir, and we had scarcely had a moment to breathe before this whole situation had started. Then there was the constant guilt Wesley had to bear of him knowing how much he was going to hurt me when he died. I will say there have been times when I have thought Wesley truly perfect, but one man can only stand so much.

I think me being calm only made him madder because it meant he was being the bad guy for not wanting to face what we had to do. To be honest, I was completely at a loss. I decided to try one more tactic before I let the matter drop for the moment, but it was me mentioning Elemir that set Wesley off. I said something along the lines that despite Elemir being so young he stills sees and learns a lot from our actions. I encouraged Wesley to reconsider what kind of an example he was being for his son and how his actions influenced even a small toddler. That's when Wesley pretty much sent a bullet straight through my heart when he cried out how he could even know anymore if Elemir was his son. Those gray eyes of his weren't mine and they certainly weren't his. Wesley claimed he didn't look nearly as much like him as Amonost and Adonnen did. With me sleeping with god knows who and doing whatever I wanted, how could I be sure of anything?

I had no response to that. I was too shocked numb to even feel anything- anger, sadness, or the like. It quickly became clear what Wesley felt though. Guilt. A whole lot of it. Only a few seconds ticked by before he realized he had transformed into something terrible. There's was no reprimand I could give that was strong enough to match what Wesley was doing to himself. I could visibly see the guilt breaking him down. It was frightening. I was really so stunned that it took me a few more seconds to realize Wesley had rushed by me and out the front door. That frightened me more. Not because I feared he wouldn't come back, because I worried his emotions were making him so out of it that he might not watch out for himself properly when traversing the streets. There wasn't much I could do about it though. All I could manage was robotically cleaning the first floor while occasionally glancing out the window hoping I would see his return.

I was in for another shock when he returned. I almost missed his entrance as Elemir had woken up, and I had to get him set up playing. However, I did manage to walk back downstairs just in time to find Wesley walking through the front door carrying a furry little something. He clearly didn't expect me to be right there, and hesitated after he closed the door. I could tell by the look in his eyes that his guilt had snapped him back to reality. Wesley continued to look horribly ashamed at what he had said, but my normal Wesley was back and ready as I was to stop all the madness.

I had to know why he was carrying a puppy first before we got to the important details though. Wesley placed the squirming thing down, and he instantly padded his way over to me. He was a friendly dear. As soon as I picked him up he began yipping excitedly and licking my nose. The puppy was as much of a unusual-looking mutt as Zuri was, but he was just such an adorable thing I found myself smiling in a way I hadn't for a while. I had to ask if Wesley had gotten the puppy as an apology present or defense to quell my anger. Wesley chuckled a bit himself, and shook his head no. He had planned the adoption a while ago.

Wesley admitted he felt the same strange way my children did when we never celebrated my birthday. He had desperately wanted to get me something, and I had mentioned to him at one point I wanted a puppy. Wesley had waited until Elemir had been born because he assumed after having three children so quickly I wouldn't become pregnant again for some time. The last thing he had wanted was to add to the household a creature that would need so much attention and care at the same time another newborn would be coming. It seemed like it would be too much at once when we already were so busy. Then, as soon as Wesley had finalized the adoption, he comes home and finds me pregnant. He hadn't mentioned anything of the puppy as he had, of course, still wanted to keep him a surprise, but also because he had gotten to angry he had actually forgotten about the adoption. It had only been a call he had received from the owner while he had been sulking him in the park that reminded him he was supposed to pick the puppy up today.

I put the puppy down, and it began bounding around exploring its new surroundings. Wesley stood there not looking me in the eye. I had to pull him towards me to get him to look anywhere other than at his shoes. The guilt was still working on him. After a moment, he did glance up at me. I said my apologies. The puppy's arrival and his explanation made it yet more understandable why he had been so frustrated at me for not saying anything about being pregnant. I promised I would not keep so quiet anymore, and forgave him for his faults. Wesley was quick to give his own apology, promise, and forgiveness. He then smiled and reconfirmed how much he loved me. I wad determined to finally reciprocate those words, but I could barely even take a breath before Wesley covered my mouth with his hands and gave me a gentle disapproving look. I scoffed in mild annoyance, but was satisfied with giving him a kiss instead.

Wesley pulled me closer towards him yet when I did. He kissed me deeper, and things became more passionate. Being with him like that there was comforting and relaxing after being tensed, stressed, and angry for so long. Our session was cut short though when we heard an odd sound. We quickly discovered our new puppy was already making a mess of things by going at one of my potted plants. Wesley hurriedly rushed over to grab him before he could do any real damage. He was uncertain we could handle him now that there was another child on the way. I reassured him everything would be fine. I've dealt with and survived much more hectic households than the one we had now. I asked Wesley was the puppy's name was, and he told me I was going to have the chance to give him his name. After thinking about it for a bit, I decided on the name Lenn. Wesley was surprised I didn't pick something elvish. I explained that after giving so many children elvish names it was refreshing to pick a name from the human language.

Cadrier, Tridia, and Thralas couldn't have been happier when they arrived home from school and Lenn happily rushed over to greet them. Well, wait, no. I suppose that's untrue. They became even happier when they realized Wesley and I were done fighting. The negative atmosphere had vanished, and everyone was free to enjoy the new member of our family without having to worry about anything. As Wesley had completely forgotten about adopting Lenn, we made a quick trip to the pet store to purchase everything he would need. There was a lot of arguments about what styles, shapes, and colors his things would be in. Tridia naturally wanted to make all of his stuff yellow. We eventually took a poll to decide his things would be blue, but otherwise the children could pick whatever they wanted. Lenn was technically my puppy, but it was more fun to share him. It was also great to share all the chores associated with taking care of a new puppy. For once, Cadrier, Tridia, and Thralas were beyond eager to help.

After that day, almost all I saw my children doing was playing. They would get their homework done as fast as they could when they returned from school, and then would run around with Lenn everywhere. He was easy enough to keep out of trouble as long as he had someone to follow around. He loved getting outside as well. Tridia and Thralas made big piles out of all the leaves in the yard. The two of them would spend so much time raking before jumping into the leaves and scattering them all about again. Lenn once decided to join in the fun too. He leapt right into the largest pile yet, but became quickly scared. Tridia and Thralas dug him out. He made sure to only run around the leaves after that.

Since Tridia and Thralas especially had so much free time, I began sending them over to Eleme's house to spend a few hours there. Eleme's health had been failing, and though she reassured me she felt fine I have seen too many of my children pass. I know the signs that tell me their time truly is ending. I remembered the separation I had seen between my younger children and Ithilas when Ithilas died, and I hoped to bond my children closer together while they had the time. I soon stopped having to tell Tridia and Thralas to go over. They loved listening to Eleme's stories, being spoiled by her, and hanging out with their nephews there. Eleme did up having another son besides Jasen. Norris is his name.

Cadrier visited Eleme as well, but he went much less frequently. His higher load of school work and activities kept him busier. His other...interests, let's call them that, had him constantly preoccupied as well. Amonost and Adonnen had told me he was popular with the girls at school, but I never gave much though to those words until one day when the family took a trip to the fall festival. As usual, we all began to split up after we took a picture and did a few other things together. Wesley and I were walking around and talking when we noticed Cadrier talking to a pleasant looking young lady. It appeared as if this was the first time they had met, and the two of them were having a nice, friendly conversation.

However, the next time I looked the atmosphere was completely different between the two of them. It was crystal clear that they were flirting, and they appeared to be utterly fascinated by the other. It just astounded me as to how quickly the change had happened. I asked Cadrier about the girl when he came over to me sometime after the conversation had ended. I found out the girl's name was Carina Keys, and that Cadrier had even convinced her to go to the prom with her. It wasn't that I was exactly disapproving with his actions, but I asked if I needed to give him a reminder of appropriate behavior by giving him another little talk. He groaned loudly, which made me laugh. He revealed Henry was constantly on his back about that kind of stuff. Apparently, my sleeping with Henry had caused him to become super paranoid about our son getting himself in a similar sort of situation. I just laughed, and said alright then. I could see Cadrier had more than learned his lesson on how to be responsible.

Wesley couldn't stay with us at the festival the entire time. He still had to go to work. I was by myself after Cadrier took Elemir and Tridia and Thralas ran off to the corner of the park where the playground was. It didn't take too long before I grew bored. I ate a bit as my growing belly demanded I eat more food, but eating could only preoccupy me for so long. With not much available to me being pregnant, I gave in and tried some of the activities I normally shied away from. A group of three was looking for a fourth person to participate in an apple bobbing contest for them, so I agreed to join. It was actually a lot of fun, and I stopped caring about hos ridiculous I looked bending over with my stomach bulging out as it was. The woman next to me won, but I someone managed to come in second place.

The children and I gathered together to harvest some pumpkins from the little garden set up at the festival so we could take them home and carve them. I had picked some pumpkins from my own garden this year, but we thought it would be better to use those for pies instead as they were of better quality and would provide a much better taste. I remembered to get a pumpkin for Wesley as well. It was a good thing I didn't forget. he came home in a decently foul mood. The home team had finally lost a game after a long winning streak, and Wesley takes those kind of things seriously. He was glad to have a pumpkin he could stab his frustrations out on. His jack-o-lantern's face was a mess, but he felt much better by the time we went to bed.

I had suspected my labor would start in the late afternoon. There was no particular reason why I thought so. It just felt like it was the right conclusion to come to. I turned out to be right that my labor would start then, but it also started about a week earlier than I expected. I suppose I have the strange innate ability to guess the date my children will arrive since for the most part I turn out to be right. That was why this child coming a week ahead of time really caught me off guard. I was walking up the stairs after coming inside from giving the yard a decent raking when my water broke. I half-stumbled up the stairs to my room, and prepared myself.

Wesley came home an hour before I gave birth. I cannot describe how wonderful and reassuring it was to have him there helping me after dealing with that whole mess during towards the beginning of my pregnancy. We were excited and delighted to see that I had added another boy to the household. Wesley and I once again collaborated on the name, and chose to name him Maldor. I promised Wesley as soon as we got Maldor cleaned, dressed, and situated that I was definitely waiting a good long while before conceiving again. He laughed.

It turned out that Maldor coming a week early was a very good thing for me. I needed the happy event and giggly new son to care for in order to combat another wave of grief that had washed over me. My instincts had been right. Eleme's failing body had failed completely, and she had died. As it always does, her passing felt like it came far too soon. It felt like it had only been moments ago when we had moved to Twinbrook to get her away from the sources of her fears. But the truth of it was that she had lived a long, happy life here. She had admitted to me before she passed that she could hardly even remember that horrible incident now. It had happened when she was so young, and she had become so old.

It wasn't just her death that caused me woe. Maldor's birth did bring me much happiness, but it also brought along a terrifying revelation. He is my eightieth child. I can remember when I thought having Milmarion as my fiftieth seemed remarkable. Now I've added another thirty to that total. There's only twenty left. My days here living this kind of life are dwindling fast- and this truly does terrify me. Part of me accepted the false belief that I would be doing the task forever, but at this rate I'll be home before I know it. Not only that, but I'll soon be at the point where I'll have had all the children that have been required of me. Then they'll begin to die, and I'll have little to distract me from the reality that at the end of this I'll be left with next to nothing to keep for my efforts. I wonder what will happen when all of my children have passed. Will I really be able to live a happy life without them or will my heart break for one last time and bring me up to them? I honestly don't know what my ending will be.

I had to ignore the reality of the upcoming future though less I be consumed by my worries and fear and forget I still have quite a lot in front of me to love and be happy about. Eleme's passing inspired us to really make an effort for us all to get together since we don't get together often as it's difficult with so many of us. Seeing as it was the middle of fall, the family decided there was no better time than to throw a feast party. We set it to take place for the entire day. Everyone was free to start arriving whenever they wanted after breakfast, but they had to be there before supper. Ris was one of the first to show up. Wesley challenged her to a contest in some video game. Tridia and Thralas joined in as well. Wesley was confident, but Ris was experienced. She beat him with ease.

Everyone showed up by lunch, and after multiples activities, games, talking in general, and a few small incidents caused by the boys rough-housing we began eating. It was the first time we couldn't fit everyone in at the large table. The way it worked was those who wanted it quieter and to have actual conversations would sit at the table. Everyone else who was still in a louder, playing mood would eat in the living room.

Even with as much food and space as there was, there still ended up being a lot of congestion in the kitchen. It was too long after I took my seat at the table that I began hearing complaints from the kitchen. One was telling someone to hurry up, another was whining that someone else had taken the piece they wanted, there was something about someone stepping on someone else's foot, and so on.I rolled my eyes, and couldn't help but to smile. This was my family alright. Though there was a lot of chaos and small bickering, it was heartwarming to see those barriers between the older children and younger children melt away so that having everyone together felt totally and utterly normal.

Most of the children stayed rather late into the evening. I was fine with this as the next day was the weekend. None of us had pressing obligations to worry about. The party did quiet down after a while as everyone was stuffed full from food and becoming sleepy. There were a few upset stomachs as well that caused a few to have to keep their mouths closed. Thus, I wasn't surprised when I saw Elrandra rush off into the first floor bathroom. It was when she didn't come out and didn't stop throwing up that I really began to wonder if her nausea was only caused my eating too much. Again, I was proved right. I went in to assist and comfort her, and when he stomach settled she admitted with was maybe probably very likely that she was pregnant. I wasn't the most pleased as she wasn't married, but Elrandra reassured me her boyfriend had been very supportive when she relayed to him her condition and that they had been discussing getting married even before they began their more intimate activities. What could else could I do besides shrug off my displeasure and decide to be happy for the new addition to the family that I loved so much? In the end, that's exactly what I did......