100

I don't know how I managed to function over the next several weeks. Mustering up the courage to call Mr. Finley back that one evening had been a nightmare. Blessedly, he had been understanding even though he rightfully remained displeased with my behavior. I promised him such a situation would never occur again- whenever the moment came for us to try once more did occur again. I began to think that that moment would never actually arrive. The truth is that I was barely keeping my head above the surface of the bottomless pool of depression in which I was currently treading. It was just when I was starting to get a grip after Ranna's death when more bad news came. Alcarien had passed away too. Then it felt like the next day Aewen was also gone. Delerith followed shortly after. It seemed to me as if time had decided to stand entirely still, but in reality it was moving so much faster than I wanted to admit. I started to hate answering the phone. I know the children hated to hear it ringing.

Cugu having his birthday was something I absolutely loathed. I couldn't be excited at my children growing up anymore. I had no choice but to smile and fake happiness for their sake on their special days, but inside I was screaming at them to stop getting older. I could scarcely handle it anymore. There was no more denying that the end was racing towards me fast. To have Cugu graduate, to have him find an apartment, to have him make plans with Isebrilia to create a music group, to have him leave the house- it broke my heart instead of making me proud of my son.

And to have Saviel's birthday follow so closely didn't help either. However, hers wasn't quite so hard to accept as she wasn't leaving the house just yet. Her continued love for pink and youthful styles of clothing also further impressed upon her a more childish sort of aura. Then there was her unconstrained enthusiasm that she finally had her room back. Cugu's departure meant that Dylan and Jeromy could have that space and that Saviel's old room was open for the taking.

Before I had used my free time to engage myself in a variety of activities. With the end of my time on the human side of the wall so near, I threw all my effort into my writing. I wasn't writing a book for other people as I was more so writing a book for myself. It was impossible for me to remember everything I wanted to remember even though I wished I could hold every small detail within my mind forever. That was why I had to get it out of my head and into some other medium before it disappeared. The book essentially grew into a journal where I poured each shred of information about my children that I knew I would want to keep. It was hard doing such a project though. The journal was another one of the many reminders to the reality that the deaths of all my children was rapidly approaching and that what I would have left is words and objects to remember them by.

The birthdays kept coming. Following Saviel's was Minia's. I could laugh honestly that one day when Mully came over for the celebration and once again presented her with clothes all having purple on them. He was attached to the color so strongly that it was a bit worrying. Thankfully for him, purple was Minia's favorite color. She loved her presents from him. Minia wore them each day even when she went to the park to play and would have been better off wearing clothes more suitable for getting dirty.

I did force myself out of the house a few times. Mostly this was so I could spend time with my older children. Another performer had been brought in to Riverview. This time it was a magician. Isebrilia and I joined up so we could go see the show, but it was a mediocre performance at best. Isebrilia and I were laughing more than we were cheering. The woman magician was not very well trained. She could do simple tricks decently enough, but as soon as she attempted something more intricate the trick usually backfired on her.

I was away from the house for longer than I anticipated, but things were well under control in my absence. Having four well-behaved teenagers was a right blessing in that regard. There was more than enough hands to take care of Elradith, and there were really no other problems to have to contend with. When I returned home, everyone was fed, relaxed, and entertained.

I had to empathize with poor Saviel. Her stomach simply just couldn't handle anything less than pleasant. She had been tasked with collecting the eggs from the chicken coop one morning. Unfortunately, a few of the eggs had broken and rotted. Saviel went ahead and cleaned the mess up, but the awful stench got to her. She barely rushed inside to make it to the toilet in time. However, she did recover swiftly and was on her way as normal before too long.

Eloril's visit wasn't as enjoyable as I had hoped. I was desperate to keep from him how badly I had been struggling. There was still the desire in me to have my family stay at home while I remained here. If I let on to the extreme depths of what I truly felt, I knew ada or nana would come rushing back over before I could make a single noise of complaint. It made sense then why Eloril grew impatient with me, especially when he pried out of me the reality of how my first attempt at conception had gone with Mr. Finley. That I kept on delaying when I should have already become pregnant didn't sit right by him either. Eloril wanted me home. Ada, nana, and all my friends did as well. Eloril also didn't think it was right to create such a big gap between my last child and his or her siblings. He or she deserved to grow up with his or her family as normal- not grow up being the only one in the house probably being burdened by the weight of what his or her very existence meant. As much as I detested hearing it all, Eloril went on to reveal even more truths that pushed me back towards the direction I needed to be heading towards. My brother's visit ended before I had conceived again, but Eloril had given me enough of a shove.

However, I wanted to wait just a little bit longer. I only needed a few more weeks with some cheerful days sprinkled in to gather the necessary courage I would require. The best of those happy days was the one the triplets, Anawen, Saviel, Minia, Elradith, and I spent at the summer festival. It was the last chance we had to have such an outing before Dylan, Jeromy, and Ichelle graduated. We used the time doing the typical activities one would partake in at such an event. Dylan, Jeromy, Ichelle, and Anawen chose to get wet by starting a massive water balloon fight. Saviel and Minia kept out of the chaos by going skating instead. I stood by to watch the fight. I would have normally let Elradith toddler around me instead of holding her, but holding her was the one thing that stopped me from being pelted with a balloon. My grandchildren and Anawen certainly sent me enough impish side-glances to let me know that would be my fate if I let go of my young daughter for one second.

That weekend was graduation. Dylan, Jeromy, and Ichelle as finished their schooling with great grades. Ichelle was even named valedictorian. Them being so happy about being done with school was the final joyful event that gave me the needed boost. That they were graduating, choosing to reside in their old home again, scoring positions in their dream jobs, and just generally departing from my care with large smiles that were the exact opposite of the grieving expressions they arrived with was one of those things that warmed my heart so much that it hurt.

It was a good thing I had made myself call Mr. Finley the same day I gave him trouble during our previous encounter. I believe he otherwise would have changed his mind about helping me out. Not surprisingly, he was rather cautious when I returned to his home to set everything in motion. I did what I could to not think about how this was my final time. It was the last time I would have to do this. It was the last time I would be with a man. It was the last time I would conceive a child. I gave it my all hoping I could enjoy myself, but the lone thing I could manage was to pretend that I was enjoying myself for my partner's sake. There was too many heavy feelings in my chest to allow me to just focus on the physical pleasure and nothing else.

And once again, things only got worse from there on. It wasn't even anywhere close to the point where my pregnancy was showing when the intense nausea started. But then, it wasn't the pregnancy causing my upset stomach. It was my fear, nervousness, depression, or whatever else you want to call it of being pregnant with my final child. I made good friends with the toilet each and every day. It got to the point where Anawen forcibly brought me to the hospital. I stayed there for a night to leave the next morning with naught by advice from the doctors on what they thought could help me. Their words did little.

Elradith's birthday did little to comfort me either. It was not only her getting older that I did not like, but her birthday also showed me how true Eloril's words were. That she was already a child meant I had delayed too long. I was glad my brother had been stern with me. I could only imagine what my son or daughter would feel like growing up in this big house alone with only me, who would surely be desolate and dejected all the time, for company.

I took a deep breath when Anawen had her birthday too. The household had been filled to bursting such a short while ago. With Cugu, Dylan, Jeromy, Ichelle, and now Anawen having moved out, there was far too much space. It hurt that there was only going to be this one more child to help fill in the gaps.

Anawen was so concerned for me before she left. She stayed a few days extra to make sure I would be fine. I tried to cheer up for her benefit. I actually did become amused when she revealed to me what she wanted to do. Anawen did love painting, but inventing truly had become her passion. She had gotten a taste of it after taking some classes at school, but now she wanted to dive deep into it. Her main goal was robotics. Anawen wanted to improve the androids humans have been trying to create for centuries. The reason I found that desire of hers amusing was because it did not suit her appearance at all. One would not take a look at her and assume that that was her interest.

It really was quiet in the house with just me, Saviel, Minia, and Elradith. The only reason there was noise at all was because of Minia's curiosity to know whether her new sibling would be a boy or a girl. Even though it was one of the occasions where I could find out the gender ahead of time, I decided against doing so. I wanted to be surprised. I was either going to end up with exactly 50 for each gender, or I would end up with an extra girl. The suspense was one of the few things that kept me upbeat and eager. Minia listened to my stomach everyday thinking she could hear something that would give her a clue. Her guess changed every day and sometimes every hour.

I was in so much pain when I went into labor, but even that pain couldn't stop me from thinking about the current moment and all those years ago when I gave birth to Elrunamir. I was completely alone both times. Back then there was simply no one around. This time all the children were at school. Back then I was in shock that I was actually giving birth. This time I was in shock that I was giving birth to then child who would end it all. I had started the order. I was about to complete it. The hours that passed felt both like seconds and an eternity. I didn't know what to feel.

And when the pushing was done, when the child was out, when I could cradle it to me for the first time- the tears overflowed effortlessly. I would not go on to feel the weight of what had just happened until hours later. I had started the order with a boy. I was ending it with a boy. All I could do was hold that him so tight. There would be too many years for me to face the uncertainty and heartbreak of what lay ahead. So, just for that one brief moment, what I wanted more than anything was to hold Lemerion and be enveloped in the peace in my heart that I knew would never come again......