Moving Forward

I thought it was a rather strange thing for me to do. One would think that after watching my home be consumed by flames that I would shun away from fire. I found myself attracted to the warmth of the one Andethon had made in his fireplace though. I wasn't upset or scared at seeing it, but was simply comforted by it warmth.

The past several weeks had not been kind to me. As if I hadn't already been on edge and hesitant enough, I had lost my place of respite. Then I had had no choice but to scatter the family. None of my older children had the space to take in myself and their younger siblings, and I wasn't about to have us living in hotel for Goddess knows how long. Gellrin had gone to stay with Ranna and Marty, Thoronton was watching over Erumaren, Celendel and Celenia were with Aewen, and Isebrilia and I were at Andethon's. It was certainly a massive change to not be in charge of the house. What was strange still was how quiet things were. Andethon and his wife only had one child, and Lyle was a soft-spoken boy. The calm pace my son's family was used to operating at was unnerving to me as I was accustomed to a much more hectic schedule. I was actually glad when Isebrilia would began crying for it shook things up.

Her favorite time to cry was during the night. I wasn't sleeping much anyway, so I didn't mind. My thoughts just never stopped. The pining for what I had lost was endless. It really wasn't the house that I was upset about. Honestly, I had never been that fond of it in the first place. It was the loss of my precious pictures and the paintings done by my children that broke my heart. The painting of a squid dear Eleme had done in honor of Sind, one of the few pictures I had of Rithranduil smiling when he was a child, the picture of Wesley and I together on Love Day- all gone. I wanted so desperately to bring them and the others back, but they were nothing more than ash piled onto ash. Some of my most treasured items were lost to the wind. It hurt that they were taken away when I already had to deal with losing the precious people who helped me to create those memories.

Nana met me at the house the night before we were due to move back in. I had written to her requesting that she both delay her return and that she let ada bring Abrien with him on his next visit instead of bringing her back with her. Our return would go much more smoothly having one less little one to worry about. Though most of the house had been destroyed, enough of the general structure had remained to give the builders the guide they needed to recreate the building as best they could. I had asked Gellrin, Erumaren, Celendel, and Celenia if they wanted an entirely different design. Our family had more than enough money to create anything we wanted. However, they insisted that they wanted things to remain the same as much as possible. They had been attached to the original house in all the ways that I had not. So our new home ended up looking almost identical to how it had been before. I had taken the opportunity to have it expanded though. The first floor was able to hold all of the activity pieces the children liked to use while their was more space in the bedrooms on the second floor now.

Nana and I didn't speak much as we stared at the house before we went inside to make sure everything was in order. I don't think she knew quite what to say to comfort me.

And I didn't know what to say to comfort Gellrin. I expressed to her so many times that I didn't blame her. She had always been an absent-minded child. When I had revealed that I would take everyone out to the festival, she had gotten distracted and forgotten than she had been cooking something on high heat in the oven. We had left with it still cooking away. No one was around to hear the fire alarm when the smoke started, and once the flames caught onto the nearby wood of the counters it was all downhill from there. It was a truly consequential mistake, but it was more an accident. I knew it would do no good to berate Gellrin. Unfortunately, despite my support for her and all of us adjusting to our new living space, she still remained glum. The only one she would really talk or listen to was Erumaren. Even then she always had a blank expression on her face as if she just didn't know how to handle what she had inadvertently done.

Erumaren, being the chipper soul that he was, kept on trying to make her feel better despite her reluctance. He also helped the rest of us out as well. What he did was rather simple too. Erumaren acted as if nothing had ever happened. He was his same old self as he went about making potions, hogging the computer to play chess, and spending hours on the telescope. It seemed he was determined to get the point across that the only option was to keep moving forward.

I did what I could to have the attitude he wanted me to have. I focused on what I did have rather than what I no longer had when I could. It was truly difficult to do so though. Every single time I got out of bed I was greeted by a blank section of wall where the picture of Wesley and me should have been. I could have put one of the others I had of us up there, but that just didn't feel right. Wesley had told me so many times when he had been alive that he didn't want me to remain hung up on him after he passed. He understood that I would never stop loving him, but for me to linger and get stuck on my memories and mementos of our time together was the last thing he wanted. I don't think he realized how hard that would be for me. Yet, I really did try not to stare at that bit of wall too much despite the temptation and desire. I instead turned my attention to my pregnancy. My attempt with Roy had been successful. We were having a son together.

Staying at Aewen's house had allowed Celendel to become better friends with one of the little girls who lived near his sister. Her last name escapes me, but Celendel mentions Tatiana so often I know that her first name is definitely something I know I'll never forget. He began going over to her place everyday so they could work on their homework and play. They would alternate between eating dinner there or Celendel bringing Tatiana over to our house so they could eat here.

I was curious to see if Celendel's growing friendship would make Celenia jealous, but she barely batted an eye at the development. As long as she got her hugs whenever her twin was around then she was satisfied. Celenia was also busy herself, for a bit anyway. She had a brief interest in painting. Nana was ecstatic to have another child to which she could teach her craft, but became very disappointed when Celenia grew bored with it all after her first painting.

Gellrin cheered up somewhat when her birthday came around. She was at least able to participate in the celebrations with a smile. She spent most of the day working on her writing though. There had been a novel she had been steadily pushing out all through her teen years. It was her desire to finish it before she left so she could focus more on the medical career she wanted to start. Gellrin was able to get the last words down shortly before it was time for her to make her departure. With Ranna's older sons moving out, she had given permission for Gellrin to move in so Gellrin could spend more time with Marty.

Isebrilia's birthday made keeping my emotions straight difficult. She was beginning to look so much like Eleme that I couldn't help but to get stuck on what I had lost again. There were even a few times when I referred to Isebrilia by her sister's name.

So I knew something had to change. After making sure that the house would be fine this time around, the family went out to the festival to redo the day which had gone so horribly wrong. Everything went perfectly. Erumaren, Celendel, and Celenia skated while nana and I introduced Isebrilia to the delight that is a popsicle. We then played a round of horseshoes before the children decided to take part in a hot dog eating contest. Much to my surprise, nana eagerly stepped up after Celenia backed out. It was strange for her to participate in such an event. Interestingly enough, it was Celendel, the smallest of the four, who won the competition.

We took a group picture before we left. I hung it up on the wall in my bedroom as soon as I could, and having done so helped me to begin perking up. I still lamented on what was no longer there. However, that new picture was the inspiration for me finally accepting the importance of counting my blessings of what was before me. Being happy for my children that were alive was the utmost necessity. My change of heart happened just in time. It was the very next day after that trip to the festival when I went into labor. I called my new son Cugu.

Much to my dismay, after one problem was vanquished another popped right up. Isebrilia was not happy in the slightest to be a big sister. She wanted the nursery all to herself. Whenever I placed Cugu down in his crib next to her, she would begin crying her head off. That naturally made Cugu cry too. Then Isebrilia would cry louder. It reminded me of when Aewen, Alcarien, Delerith, and Delindir were toddlers. Compared to them, Isebrilia and Cugu might as well have only been whispering.

But I had to groan when ada walked through the door with Abrien. I had missed them both greatly, but I was afraid adding another child to the nursery would make Isebrilia even more irritable. Thankfully, with the expansion of the house we were able to easily fit Abrien's crib in the room nana was using.

I left nana in charge for a while so she could spend some time with Abrien and also so ada I could spend some time together. We went over to the new cafe to get some cool drinks before we started talking. Ada was rightly concerned about how I was doing after having heard about the fire. I think both he and I were relieved that I could say that the worst of the situation was behind us. We were then able to focus on other topics that were much more pleasant. The atmosphere was pleasant and light until I asked the questions that had been bugging me for a quite some time.

I asked again about the elf who had saved me even though I had a strong suspicion ada would still refuse to give me any answers. It had been well over thirty years by now. I wanted to know if he had fulfilled his sentencing properly. More importantly, I wanted to know who he was, why he had been on the human side of the wall, why was he so obviously doing work under ada and Eloril's orders, and all that other good stuff. The only thing ada would reveal was that the elf had indeed finished his years of isolation and was living normally among our people now, who regarded him as a hero. Other than that, ada remained tight-lipped. His explanation that it just wasn't the right time to give me all the answers yet. I continued to press though until ada began to grow frustrated with me.

He went off to get another drink. I spotted Gellrin coming over to the cafe. Some of Ranna's tendencies must have rubbed off on her for she had found herself pregnant though she had only just graduated. At least the father was an appropriate age for her. I went over to her with a smile, and I tried to touch her belly not thinking anything of it. I wasn't wholly unprepared for her angry reaction. She acted at first as if I was a random stranger who had no right to approach her. Gellrin appeared so upset with me, but I had no idea what she had done. It was a blessing she returned to her sense quickly otherwise I think I might have started to cry. Having her push me away was the last thing I needed. Gellrin apologized. She said the pregnancy was making her irritable for no reason. That was something I understood. I could sense half of the reason was that she still felt guilty though. I expressed to her one more time that I didn't blame her for the fire. Gellrin appeared to accept my support more this time around. She acknowledged what I said instead of ignoring or shrugging it off as she had done when she lived at home. I was then given permission to feel her baby girl kick.

In order to have another opportunity to take pictures to replace the ones I had lost, I threw a pool party to celebrate the last true warm days of summer. Fall was going to be arriving soon, and it didn't seem right to let summer leave without having a big get-together. All of my children and Marty came along. I wanted to invite more people, but we would have exceeded the pool's capacity. Everyone stood around talking for a while until Celendel made the first leap into the water. Most of the others followed suit. Talking was mostly what nana and I were left with no choice but to do though. I had both Isebrilia and Cugu to watch over, and nana had Abrien. I did manage to dip my feet over the side for a few minutes though.

And the change of seasons brought changes within the household as well. Those changes were the birthdays. Celendel and Celenia celebrated theirs first. They grew up well as always. I was rather exasperated when they asked for a karaoke machine for a present though! Andethon laughed when I told them about the request, and he gave back me back the original one I had bought seeing as how he and Thoronton had stopped using it a while ago. It was place upstairs, and my twins rarely stopped using it.

Cugu's birthday had already arrived too. Nana and I were shocked again when we saw that all of her features had been passed down again. Cugu had her hair, eyes, and ears, but the thing that distinguished him was his cute sprinkling of freckles across his cheeks. Nana was happily overwhelmed, and I was happy as well. It was nice to have children who took after her after having children who took after ada and me for so long.

I wasn't sure which situation would turn out to be the case next time around. Despite that I was beginning to get stuck again on the fear that I had so few children left to bear, I went ahead and had Mr. Emmanuel Hatfield over to keep me on track. With his help, I was able to keep moving forward......