Planning

I'm sure ada thought he was helping me to feel better. I had let him know when he came visiting again that I was pregnant. That had led way to him bringing up that it might be wise to discuss basic plans about me returning home. Ada came into my room while I was taking a break from writing to have that discussion with me. Technically, I would still not be home for a long while since I would never dare to leave before that moment when my last child had passed on, but he was still bringing up all sorts of things. He thought it would be best if nana and Abrien came home a little before me. That way they could get them set up before they had to stress about preparing for my homecoming. Ada understood I would rather not have any big sort of celebration. However, there at least had to be one night of feasting. That I would have completed an order from the Goddess would be no small thing. Then he backtracked to suggest ideas of how all the items I wanted to bring me with could be transported back. I had left with almost nothing. I was returning with roomfuls of stuff. Ada hadn't been too pleased when I had first mentioned all of the mementos I wanted to keep. I was stubborn though. Knowing I was going to eternally suffer the pain of losing over one hundred children, retaining some of the treasures they cherished was the minimum that should be allowed me.

I let ada ramble on as he continued with his suggestions. I was hardly paying attention for I didn't like making such plans. To think about that particular future wasn't desirable. All he was doing was slamming the harsh reality of what I faced at me over and over again. He spoke so excitedly. I understood ada was looking forward to finally having me home, but it seemed he had forgotten that all of what he mentioned would be taking place when my heart would be the most shattered it would ever be. How could thoughts of a rich feast and night of festivity excite me when I'm sure the last thing I would want to be doing is cheering on the fact that all my children were dead?

He left shortly before I had to start wearing my maternity clothes once more. This time I was opting for something that was comfortable more than fashionable. I must admit, I moped about the house for a while. I was still having a hard time coming to grip that I truly was so close to the end. Continuing to bear children made me feel like everything was normal. It was the number I was at that didn't seem real. The truth that if I kept giving birth that the whole life I had built would cease to be gave off the aura of being a total lie. So consumed by those kind of thoughts, it took me until I was halfway through the family room to realize what exactly was on the canvas Anawen was working at. I stood there blinking for a moment. Was I really seeing what I was seeing?

Immediately after my shock wore off, I asked my daughter about her work. She had been so into her work as well that she hadn't noticed my presence. Anawen was disappointed I had seen the painting as she had wanted to give me the finished piece as a present. Nana and her had had a talk about how I missed that "Squind" picture Eleme had painted. The result from that talk was Anawen wanting to see if she could recreate the picture from the multiple photos we had of it. I was almost more impressed that Anawen was doing her recreation so flawlessly than I was at her choosing to do such a thing. My heart was touched by her kindness As you would suspect, I began crying and gave her a tight hug.

Several days later, my new "Squind" was hanging above my computer in my room. One could barely see the differences from the old one. I sometimes forgot they were separate copies at all. My present was what cheered me up after ada's depressing discussion. I was assisted in falling back onto my centuries old thinking of how, even now, there were still many years left for me to enjoy and cherish my children.

Although, some days, cherishing my children was a difficult task. Cugu had a room to himself what with being the only male in the house. I rarely had a reason to go in there considering he kept it clean. What he didn't keep clean though- PK's tank. It began to smell something awful. It was beyond me how Cugu could enter his room and not think anything was wrong with his poor lizard's home. He claimed he had been planning on getting around to the cleaning, but that he simply hadn't had the time yet. I made him make the time. I was diligent about watching Cugu scrubbing the tank clean every several days until he got the point that this one job was something he couldn't delay. Cugu grumbled a bit about it at first. However, he stopped grumbling when I revealed my alternative to teaching him the lesson would have been dumping the garbage from the garbage can into his room to see how he liked living in such a dump.

Nana agreed to babysit again for me one day so Isebrilia, Cugu, Anawen, and I could head down to the festival. We took another family photo, Anawen and I played horseshoes, and Isebrilia and Cugu spent a lot of time dancing.

When the three of them weren't looking, I snuck off to try that machine which I still have not learned the proper name for. I gave up on caring. For me, using the machine again was another small step forward. The last time I had gotten a rating I had been doing it with Wesley. It was lonely to be doing it on my own. Some part of me believed the results I got actually meant something- like a lower score meant I had lost something about me because I had lost, or something similar to that. I end up with the highest possible ranking again. The stub that got printed off for me spouted some normal nonsense about me being "too wild for the world to handle." Not expecting I would get the red level again, I wasn't sure what to make of the whole situation.

A few weeks after that trip to the festival, there was commotion in the quiet town of Riverview. That commotion happened right in the entrance area of our house. Yet another had tried and failed his luck at robbing our house. Our alert system was so proficient that the policeman and thief arrived at pretty much the same time. The thief was quickly subdued, handcuffed, and taken away. All of us went back to bed barely having missed a single wink of sleep.

It was much more fun to celebrate Saviel's birthday this time around as it was just her birthday and not also the birthday of every other child in the house. She continued to love wearing pink, which was a bittersweet trait for her to have. Obviously, her love for the color reminded me of Cirabel. It still feels as if Cirabel should be alive if she hadn't had her accident even though I do know she would have died long ago anyway. I do find all the pink amusing as well though. Abrien has a strong preference for the color. I'm sure she'll change as she grows older, but it appears she already is a more feminine kind of soul than I ever was. To watch her and Saviel play together is to watch something absolutely adorable.

Nana was getting frustrated with our maid. We did take care to clean some of the house on our own, but we also wanted a maid so we could focus on the children instead of focusing on cleaning up after the children. However, the maid who came to clean changed every so often. Our newest one was not the brightest, and he worked very slowly. The breakfast plates would be on the table, smelling something awful, even when the children were about to return from school. This would happen day after day. Nana tried to make a point to him by angrily cleaning up the plates right before he was about to get to them. She was trying to show him how unhappy she was, but he actually thought she was being nice and helping him instead. All he did was thank her. I laughed quietly to myself when nana ranted after he left. I then quietly called the maid service requesting a change later that afternoon. Nana was pleasantly surprised the following morning when he got a maid who knew how to complete his work properly.

However, nana wasn't the only one getting angry recently. Isebrilia and Cugu were dealing with some pretty nasty hormonal swings one day. As normally with my teenagers, there didn't appear to be a sensible reason for their fight. Most of the issue centered around Isebrilia being upset and Cugu either ignoring her or laughing her off as if her concerns with him as no big deal. I only watched to see if they could work out matters on their own. There was never a real conclusion. They both eventually went on their way, their angry dissipated, and the two continued on as if nothing happened.

Meanwhile, Anawen and Saviel were getting along fabulously. What they chose to do to bond wasn't my preferred activity for them to engage in though. Both of them wore their nice clothes to go out and play in a puddle during the middle of a heavy downpour. Anawen and Saviel thought they could sneak back inside afterwards without getting caught. They were very wrong. I had already known what my youngest daughters were doing. The mud that was tracked in only gave me more obvious evidence. On top of the typical punishment of cleaning up the mess they made, I also gave Cugu a break from cleaning PK's case by making his sisters clean it.

Much to my delight, I gave birth to another baby girl. Having Minia, besides getting a wonderful daughter, also gave me the best chance at finishing the order with an even total for both genders. I now had, oh Goddess, ninety-eight children. I had forty-nine boys and forty-nine girls. That left me room for one more boy and one more girl. Whatever gender of children I had next, the following had to be the opposite. It might seem a strange thing, but keeping my thoughts around what the gender of my last two babies could be distracted me from thinking about that they would indeed be my last two babies.

However, I couldn't keep myself distracted forever. There was actually another large matter that had sprung up for me that Minia's birth pushed to the forefront. It was hard to admit, but I didn't want nana and Abrien around anymore. I didn't want ada and Eloril to visit either. It was naturally nothing against them. The truth was that, since ada's talks of planning with me, the presence of my family had created another burden for me. Being around them forced me to think ahead. I had no choice but to worry about problems I would have to worry about for decades and decades to come. More than anything, I simply wanted to enjoy my time with my children with as few dark matters in my heart as possible. Instead of being made to look towards the future all the time, I only wanted to keep my eyes on the present.

Nana was beside herself when I gently revealed to her what my desires were. It was understandable why she didn't want to leave. There was the fact that she merely didn't want to leave me, and her fears of me coping terribly with all the hardships I was bound to face were justified as well. She pleaded with me for a long time to give the issue more consideration before I made a decision. Unfortunately, my mind was made up and nearly unmovable. Nana was so upset and heartbroken that I was willing to work out an agreement with her. She and ada would still write letters, and I would answer them back as soon as I could. Eloril would keep visiting as well, although not as frequently.

Another condition I had to agree to- that she and I would spend as much time together as possible until all the arraignments were made and ada came to collect her and Abrien. We often left Isebrilia and Cugu in charge of babysitting so we could enjoy ourselves. We made it a point to visit every place in town once. When that goal was reached, nana and I discovered our favorite place to go to was the nearby cafe. The two of us tried a new drink each time, and we conversed about all matters. Spending all that time together eased both of our minds about nana departing for home. It also was an eyeopener to just how much had changed since nana's initial arrival. It was almost impossible for me to believe our relationship had ever been so horrible. Centuries of a strained past had been erased by many years of true, good companionship.

I had many mixed feelings when the departure date came. I knew what was happening was the best for me, but it was a hard decision. Nana had come around to being supportive, and Eloril had been surprisingly for the idea as well. I think him still being allowed to visit played a hand in that. Otherwise, if you looked at ada, who felt as if he was being shunned away, the displeasure was much more apparent. I could hardly get him to look at me. He said he understood, but it was clear he wasn't going to fake being supportive for my sake. I could only sigh inwardly and accept his nonacceptance. I forced the biggest hug of all on him even though he protested slightly due to his hurt feelings.

I will not lie and say I didn't regret my choice after my family left. The house was so much quieter without nana and Abrien's presence. I was so much lonelier without nana to rely on. Not to mention there was so much more work for me to do. I often chose to wallow instead of work until I got used to the change and began to feel comfortable again. In the end, as more weeks passed, what I had hoped for came true. More of my time and thoughts became centered around my children and my current life with them instead of what awaited me in the future.

I nearly had a hear tattack one day. I walked into the kitchen to find Anawen taking a phone call. It was far too clear from her expression and words that she was receiving the news that someone had died. I could only think the call was about Ranna. When Anawen revealed it was Delerith talking to her about one of her friends who had passed on, I had to go upstairs and cry with relief.

That scared frightened me to the point where I went ahead and took the initiative to conceive another child to cope with Ranna's inevitable loss despite me probably not actually being ready to bring myself down to the horrid remaining total of one conception left. Before nana left, she gave me the contact information for the final two men she and Erumaren had picked to help me. Mr. Mark Tyler was one of the ones who insisted on taking me out on a date first. We went over to the spring festival to talk, get some food, and do some dancing. I pretended to be enjoying myself to not make Mr. Tyler feel terrible. The last thing I wanted to do was make him feel despondent the way I was.

The first birthday without nana and Abrien around came. The birthday belonged to Anawen. I made sure to take a dozen pictures to send in the letter I wrote to nana like she requested I do. Anawen, whose facial features were more similar to her father's, began taking an interest in inventing. However, I put my foot down on buying the inventing table she wanted. The last thing, with all that I was dealing with, I needed was another clunky, messy activity item that my children would dump on me when they graduated......