Riverview

It was three weeks after my return home when ada announced that the family was going to be moving.

Much to everyone's disappointment, including my own, being in the house living as normally as I could was doing nothing to help my memories. I became more familiar and aware of the things around me, but that was only because I was simply growing used to the life I was forced to be in instead of actually remembering anything. It wasn't just the house not being helpful to me that prompted the move though. Elemir had told me of how the humans were interested in my story; how they were hovering about trying to take pictures and talk to us. I was kept far away from them all. However, that made their interest stronger. Maldor still took the children to school, and ada and Eloril were making constant patrols of the yard to scare away the unwelcome visitors. It soon became too much. Ada wanted to take us somewhere quieter where we could live live with being hounded. He also wanted to bring me to a place that was closer to the elven lands.

The children, especially Ranna, weren't pleased with the announcement. They handled their disappointment and sadness with maturity though. I'm sure they were tired of the constant attention as well, and I think they didn't want to upset me since I was pretty much the whole cause for the move. I was...indifferent towards the move myself. I felt sad that my children were sad, but I continued to feel no real connection to the world around me. It really didn't matter whether we stayed or went. I simply kept on playing with Thoronton and Andethon. Taking care of them had become my main job as it was the thing that I had been the most skilled at when my parents and Eloril left me to wander about on my own to see what I could figure out. Taking care of my toddlers felt so natural. It was even better when Thoronton warmed up to me and treated me as if he had known me forever.

I felt highly diffident doing anything else. Not being able to understand how to pay the bills or keep the household running was hardly an issue though compared to how useless I felt when it came to interacting with my older children. It was clear from their actions that they were happy merely to have me home. That I wasn't who I used to be didn't bother them all that much. However, it continued to bother me greatly. I wanted so much to be the parent I was supposed to be for them. It was a mystery to me if I managed to be anything like one. I talked to them, I played with them, I hugged them when they rushed to me when they got home from school, and I tried to give them guidance to encourage them to be the best people they could be. I suppose those things are the very core of what a parent's job is, but even doing all of those things didn't feel as if they were enough. I felt such a disconnect between me and the world around me that I had no idea as to the impacts my actions were actually making.

As much as I loved having ada and Eloril around, it was only nana who made me feel normal in any way. Ada and Eloril coddled me as if I was a tiny child. Nana gently but forcefully kept me as the adult. She would assist me and give direction when I needed it, but would otherwise expect me to be the responsible mother we knew I did know how to be somewhere inside. It was after those first three weeks had passed that I realized how helpful her actions were. Ada and Eloril treating me as if I couldn't do anything would have made it so I couldn't do anything. Nana gave me the courage that I would someday get the hang of it all even if I was still rather novice at the moment.

I wondered if ada realized what a marvelous help nana was to me, but I feared he didn't. He allowed me to interact with her at my own free will when we returned home as I has grown sick of him keeping her away from me. However, whenever it was only the two of us alone he watched over her as if she might turn on me at any second. I would glance over at him to see the scariest scowls on his face. I hoped his anger would lessen over time, but it didn't.

I finally got sick of it. My memories might not have come back, but I was more than capable of knowing the truth. I had no idea though that my conversation with nana would lead to the conclusion of a conflict spanning centuries.

I managed to sneak into nana's room when ada was preoccupied doing something else. I knew she wouldn't say anything if he was around- and I was only just able to convince her to say anything at all. She told me to let the matter drop when I first tried to prompt the truth out of her. My old stubbornness returning, I refused to leave the room without finding out anything. Nana attempted to persuade me away by saying what I would find out would make me hate her. She had caused me a lot of pain that I was better off forgetting. I was better of staying away from her actually. She had been far too selfish spending so much time with me when I deserved to never see her again. Of course, hearing that made me more curious and determined. I planted my feet firmly to the ground and kept pushing until nana caved.

I think she really did want me to stay away from her. Nana felt so horrible about herself that she believed I shouldn't bother with her anymore. When she said she would tell me the truth, she said she would say it shortly and bluntly. It would be shown how terrible she truly was. Nana started off by saying it made her want to cry each time I called her nana. She very nearly had cried when I had woken up in the hospital and called out to her using that word. I hadn't addressed her by it in so long. Ever since I was about sixty-years-old, I had called her naneth instead. That horrified me. I couldn't believe I would ever address her with such a cold and distant term. Nana confirmed to me that I had. She didn't know why it ever surprised her that I switched to it. Given how she had treated me, it was a miracle I had ever liked her.

Nana had hated me. I had reminded her too much of her mother, and because of that just the sight of me brought back her own worst memories. The fact that she had never wanted a second child in the first place only intensified her negativity. Though she had tried to pretend to care for me, her hatred had begun to show. Harsh words replaced what had been fake sentiments of kindness. The more I had tried to hold on to her the more she pushed me away. Eventually she began swatting my hands- hitting them so hard my skin would turn red. Occasionally I bled. It was about every other day that this would go on, and it went on until I turned one hundred and fifty. Our relationship had begun to improve then, but of course by that point it had been far too late to save what we should have had.

Her admittance came out so quickly. I had no clue what to say or do. I don't think I even really believed what I had just been told. I suppose the memories I did have were from before nana's switch into the monster she made herself out to be. It was impossible to remember the loving nana I knew and turn her into the horrible person she was trying to tell me she was. All of her smiles felt so genuine. Perhaps it was me only seeing the situation from the eyes of a naive child, but I thought back to what I knew and all I saw was love.

And love for me was what she felt now, nana revealed into the silence that had overtaken us. Again, her feelings had shifted far too late though. Her fears of the humans and me possibly rejecting her when she first came to visit brought out the monster more strongly than ever. It had been her being so awful that had prompted me to ignore her warnings when she told me not to trust Silas. If she hadn't been such a coward, my kidnapping never would have happened. I never would have been forced away from my family for two years, and I would have never been hurt so greatly that all my memories would have been lost. Nana had known the chance of me forgiving her had been slim already, but now that chance had been lost forever. After all that had happened, there was no way-

But I did want to forgive her!

My interruption caused nana to stare at me in amazed disbelief for a good long while. Then she lowered her gaze to the floor. I couldn't recall what she had put me through. The unknowing child was taking too great a hold on me. If I knew better, then forgiveness would never cross my mind. The child in me did come out for a second as I stomped my foot. I did know better! I had remembered something while she had been talking. It wasn't anything I could really see, but it was a feeling so strong that I could tell it had come from the old me. She wanted to forgive. Having been trapped, lonely, and terrified, she had craved the comfort of even the mother who had hurt her. In that place, she had found a situation more deplorable than anything she had put her through. In that place, she had had all the time in the world to realize that having the truth in the open meant that everyone could start healing. She wanted the happy family from her early memories to come back. She wanted to have a relationship with the wonderful mother she knew nana could be.

And I still wanted all of that now. In fact, I needed all of that. With my head being all sorts of messed up, I needed nana far more than I needed to be spiteful towards her.

Nana started crying. I want to say the tears were tears of relief, but it was obvious nana didn't believe me right away. She still thought it was the innocent child speaking. Goddess, I must have gone on for half an hour repeating myself over and over to convince her that I truly understood the situation and wanted everything to be right between us. The more I went on the more I convinced myself. Even better, the more I went on the more I began to recall. I started to remember the horrible pull of negative emotions that entrapped me when I had one of my swattings, but no visible sights came. What did come was sights of nana and I painting together. The happy times that returned to me pushed the bad deep, deep down. I started to understand my amnesia might have been giving me the chance to push away what had been weighing me down before so that we all, not just me, could truly start over with fresh slates and accepting hearts. I didn't want to remember the bad. I didn't need to remember the bad.

One particular memory came strongly back to me. She and I had been painting. In a rare case for her, she had grown bored of it. I hadn't been that eager either. I had playfully flicked a little bit of paint at her realizing only after the paint left my brush that doing such a thing would most likely make her mad at me. I would go on to be surprised when nana laughed and flicked a larger amount of paint back at me. That spawned a little battle where we ended up more than a little messy. Our sudden like of paint flinging was turned to a canvas. The stretch of white was soon covered with dots and streaks of all colors. When ada had come into the painting room to see what the commotion was about, he had laughed for a long time when he saw us. The painting nana and I had created together had been hung in the hallway for everyone to see.

Me being able to relay all of that to nana finally broke past her barriers. She sat on the bed before her legs collapsed, and I went next to her to give her comfort. She cried harder than ever. She said she knew she did not deserve for this to be so easy, but asked me once more if I was honestly forgiving her. I told her I was. That was when she accepted my offer of love. Nana just wanted things to be right too. She cried on my shoulder until she composed herself again.

I was rather exhausted after spending all that time convincing nana, but my job wasn't over just yet. There was another person I had to spend another hour talking to in order to make him come around. Ada was much more stubborn that nana was. It was a good thing I was more stubborn than both of them A lot of the issue I had with him is that he thought it was nana who had convinced me to forgive her and not me convincing her. Ada had assumed she had told me nothing about what she had really done, which was why he was in for quite the shock when I was able to rattle off everything that nana had revealed. I revealed myself what I had been able to recall, and that was when ada began to come around. Eventually, his face softened and he appeared more like the gentle ada I knew. Just like how nana asked, he requested to hear one more time that my feeling were true. I wanted to sigh in annoyance for having to repeat myself for the millionth time, but I told ada what I felt.

He sighed himself, and then glanced over at nana. He then said something that made my jaw drop. Ada said that it looked like he wouldn't have to make a statement of divorcement after all. What?! What on earth did he mean by that? Ada admitted that separating from nana had been his original plan when the truth had come out. However, he felt as if he was not the best one to make the decision. He wanted to see what I wanted before he pulled the family apart. If I could forgive, the two of them would remain together. If I had no longer wanted anything to do with nana, then they would have separated. They obviously hadn't told me of this because they knew it would influence my choice. I was aghast. I would have definitely forgiven nana had I known what would have happened had I picked otherwise.

However, what happened next made me feel that ada most likely wouldn't have gone through with the separation anyway. Both nana and I were surprised when he walked right over to her to kiss her! I nearly laughed. Interestingly enough, it was always ada who was against displays of affection in public instead of nana. I had thought it was strange that it wasn't the other way around. From that kiss I could see that ada did still love nana, and knowing that was a comfort to me. As angry and upset with her as he definitely had been, I'm sure it must have been excruciatingly painful for them to have stayed away from each other during the two years when they would have needed the other the most. A relationship lasting more than 5,000 years wouldn't be something easily thrown away.

I wasn't expecting the kiss to last that long, but the two did have a lot of missed time to make up for. I got the feeling ada had wanted to forgive nana himself a while ago, but was waiting for me to come to my own conclusion first. I then got the feeling that they forgot I was there. A weird sort of confidence swelled within me, and I got them to break apart by saying that if they wanted to make me a little sibling the double bed was available for them to use. Nana flushed horribly, but ada laughed. Now that was more like the daughter he knew. I giggled sheepishly. Was it? I was shocked that I had had the audacity to say something like the words that had flown out of my mouth, but at the same time I felt like a different, but familiar person when I spoke them.

Life became different after that. We all became happier. Eloril was relieved the family wouldn't be pulled apart. He agreed that we needed to stick together more than ever. Eloril was also pleased to see that I began to fit back into the mothering role a bit more. No more of my memories came back to me, but I still began to recall the feeling of being how I used to be. The children weren't quite as ecstatic as I was for they began to get away with less. They had begun to slack off on their schoolwork ever since they learned we would be moving once the school year was over, but I pressured them to give it their best effort until the end.

I began to feel down about the move, but the only reason I felt down sad was because I didn't feel sad. Even during the last week of the school year when the packing really got buckled down on and the rooms became empty, I barely blinked. I had hoped after that afternoon of talking to ada and nana that more of my memories would come back, but little returned to me. I kept the pictures of Wesley and I up for as long as possible. It was my intention that that reminder of him would prompt an emotional response from me when the room, where we must have spent so much time together in, steadily grew emptier and emptier.

It didn't work.

Then the pictures had to be put away. The time had come to leave. Thanks to several delays, the family was taking off in the early evening instead of late morning. The children wanted to wait another night before departing because of that, but we had to get going. As everyone started fighting for their position in the cars that would be taking us to the airport, I took a moment to stare at the house. It really was a beautiful place. Despite not being able to recall it strongly and not really caring where I ended up, I would still miss it. Perhaps I could come back to give it a proper goodbye if my memories did ever return in full.

After a long journey, the twelve of us arrived in Riverview. It was a much different place than Twinbrook. Seeing as how ada had brought us about as close to the elven border as he could, the town was a quiet one where most of the residents made their living through farming. Such is the case with most human towns that are on the edge of the many miles that buffer the space between the human lands and the wall. Being so close to home made me want to run all those miles to where I felt I should be. However, I couldn't go back. No one had mentioned it in a long time, but there was still the order given by the Goddess that was looming over my head. It was yet to be completed. I was not allowed to return home until it was. I was scared to think I never would given my condition.

The house that we pulled up to was also incredibly different from the one we left behind. I announced my concern that it seemed too small to ada, but he reassured me they would be plenty of space. He and Eloril had even had a good portion renovated to make sure everyone and everything would fit.

I was rather put off with his and Eloril's sudden attitude change towards me. Nana must have spoken to them about their coddling and how it was counter-productive. The two of them stopped treating me like a child. In fact, they started to expect much more from me than I believed I was able to handle. They led the charge in getting us all to unpack everything right away even though we were tired, but otherwise I could sense the reins were steadily being handed back to me. Instead of me asking them what I should do or where things should go, everyone came to me to ask the same questions. I hardly had any idea what I was supposed to say, so I relied on my instinct to guide me. My heart knew more than my head did. Relying on my base instincts was a good idea. The house really came together due to everyone's hard work. My bedroom was all set up after a few hours.

We all got a chance to relax in the afternoon. The biggest change in the house from its original design was that the garage had been removed, and the space had been extended to make for a larger dining room/secondary living room. Ranna kept Andethon entertained by playing the keyboard in there. It wasn't too long before she complained though. She had looked out the window to see that the local school was directly across the street. Aewen, Alcarien, Delerith, and Delindir weren't too happy either when they saw it.

Most of the house had a relaxing coloring of brown and soft green. I remained a bit concerned about the size, but as the children began running about there were only a few collisions. Such a small number of incidents was a good sign there was enough space.

The house came with a decent sized yard as well. There was a fenced area where most of the children's outside toys and playthings were set up, but there was a moderate amount of open grass space as well. There was even room for the trampoline. Nana asked me if I was going to start another garden, but I thought it would be better to adjust to the new place first. I was already scrambling to keep up. Adding on another thing to take care of would have to wait until I felt I could handle it.

I planned on resting like the others once the unpacking was done, but something was tugging within my mind telling me there was still more work to do. It might be strange to say, but I got the sense it was the old me calling out. She was in there somewhere, and every now and again she would make an appearance to push me along. I wished she would just leap forward and taking charge again, but Elemir's words kept coming back to me. Only time would show how much I would recover. Perhaps the old me would jump out one day. Perhaps she would forever remain the little tug within my mind. All I could do was keep waiting.

Thinking on the prompting I was getting, I looked around for the something I was supposed to be doing. I found my job when I entered the kitchen. There was ingredients, but nothing to actually eat. Making sure there was something to chew on had always been a dedication of mine, or so the tug was telling me. I enjoyed cooking even when it felt like it was the only thing I was doing. I had even stayed up late into the night many times before to make the meals my children liked best just so I could see their eyes light up. I hadn't tried to cook in those last months in Twinbrook seeing as how I was scared that I would burn the house down, but I trusted in my instincts once more. I had made several dishes before I knew what was going on.

Ada, nana, and Eloril were surprised and most definitely pleased when they saw what I had done. I was tired from not getting any rest, but I felt refreshed and inspired. My effort had been well worth it as well. Everyone else had forgotten about food. Ada, nana, and Eloril hadn't thought to make sure anything was provided. However, my cooking had provided the family with a quality meal to eat instead of relying on ordered pizza. Ranna, Aewen, Delindir, and I chose to eat outside and enjoy the warm air while the others preferred the air conditioning.

The children went to bed early without complaint so great was their exhaustion. The two who seemed to have the unlimited energy though was Thoronton and Andethon. It took a lot of playing to tire them out. I was the one who stayed with them until they were sleepy despite being ready to rest myself. I liked the feeling of being tired. There was some sort of satisfaction that came with working and making accomplishments that would have never existed had I chosen to be rested by letting the others do my work for me.

I was finally about to head to bed though when my concern from before reappeared. It came back when I spotted ada making up the couch for him to sleep on. There really wasn't enough room. Nana was sharing my bed with me. Aewen and Alcarien shared a room, Ranna and Delerith another, and Delindir and Eloril were bunking together. Ada had no bed of his own though. He reassured me. The couch was more than fine. He had spent many nights sleeping in much worse conditions. When I continued to express my dislike for the situation, he revealed something he had planned on telling me in the morning.

He and Eloril weren't going to be staying for much longer. They had to go back home to take charge of the eastern lands once more. They had been away for long enough. The two of them were confident I would be fine when they left, and I would have nana around as well. She had become determined to stay with me until the very end. Ada also pointed out how close Riverview was to the main gate of the wall. It was barely more than a day's journey. He and Eloril would be able to make frequent visits. I wished that ada and my brother didn't have to leave, but I understood what I was being told. Knowing they would still be around often enough was another comfort.

Ada wasn't quite done. He had one more piece of information for me. Eloril and I would be taking a trip starting the day after tomorrow. A trip? Just Eloril and I? That was definitely something I hadn't been aware of. I asked ada where we would be heading, but he simply smiled and said it was going to be a surprise......