Delaying

Nana and Abriel began complaining again. At first, the whining I had had to deal with was about the other stealing the other's supplies. Now it was to me and about a lack of available space in the house to hang their paintings. They sold most of them, but the rest they wanted to keep. Of course, the two also wanted them to be on display. However, I had a large portion of works from my previous children that stretched back centuries. It was ridiculous to get a request like the one I got from Abriel. I was not going to put away the creations of my beloved deceased children just so she could hang another dot tree picture. I kept hearing complaints though. I had to threaten to take away one of the easels which would force them to share with the other to get them to stop. It was then decided by nana and Abriel that they would rent a storage shed together so that they could still keep the artwork they wanted to save. I had no idea why nana wanted to hold on to so much. Was she really planning on taking it all back with her when we returned home?

The artwork fiasco soon became an irrelevant complication in the scheme of things. Another more pressing issue reared its ugly head at me. As always, time kept moving. All of my children got older- even little Erumaren. It had felt as if he had only just been born, but he had gotten so big. I kept a wary eye on the calendar. The typical date I would mark as an estimate of when I should conceive again had long since passed. I never made another mark. I said nothing about becoming pregnant again either. Abriel and Gellrin didn't care. Nana...not so much. I could tell by her actions and words that she was confused. She kept leaving our conversations open so I could request to be introduced to another man like I'm sure she suspected I would. Each time I pressed the topic forward in a different direction. After doing that enough times, I began to get some of nana's stares. She was always watching me. I knew the thoughts that were on her mind, but I kept living as if I was totally and utterly unaware of them.

Gellrin managed to rope Eloril into being her homework helper when he came around again. I wasn't surprised that Eloril agreed to help, but I was surprised at his ability to actually help her. He was able to teach her correctly in all subjects- history, writing, and even science and math. I asked him one day about how he knew so much. Eloril shrugged and said he had learned enough for his time visiting me that knowing the answers to Gellrin's more basic and simple questions was easy enough. He then laughed. If Abriel asked him for help though, he would be useless.

Interestingly enough, Abriel had found herself her own helper. It was our maid. He would typically finish up his work by the time she came back home from school. Abriel would bribe him with snacks and food in order to convince him to stay later and assist her. He was more than glad to comply. With how intelligent he proved himself to be, I began to wonder why he was working as a cleaner at all.

Abriel and Gellrin thoroughly enjoyed it being only the two of them as the older children in the household. It has been a while now since I have had only daughters with no brothers to bother them. No potty-trained brothers anyway. That area was one Erumaren was having difficulty with. Surprisingly, Abriel and Gellrin being the only older children made them more energetic than before. They would almost always spend their afternoons using what short amount of sunlight the world got playing outside in the snow. It wouldn't be a rare thing for them to go back out after dinner either. Mostly they had snowball fights. Poor Gellrin, being the absent-minded girl that she is, kept falling for the same trick time and time again. Abriel would get her to look in a different direction pretending that something was there, and when Gellrin turned around Abriel would hit her back squarely with her already-made projectile. Gellrin whined often about this, but she came in smiling every time so I believe she really was enjoying herself despite her words.

It was a tough time for two of my daughters. Henry had finally passed away, leaving Ranna alone. She, blessedly, coped with his death far better than I thought she would. I think that Henry living so much longer than anyone anticipated helped to ease her grief. Ari and Helmut were halfway done with high school. Ernesto and Matt were well into their elementary school years. Having left plenty of money to her in his will, Ranna also didn't as much assistance in that area as I suspected. I visited her daily for several weeks, and she began to perk up.

That gave me more time to help poor Alcarien. The good thing was that she had gotten herself a boyfriend who supported her in all the ways Don hadn't. Unfortunately, she had gotten herself pregnant with triplets again. Alcarien was beside herself when she found out, and my own jaw might have dropped when she told me the news. Alcarien's boyfriend moved in with her after Aewen moved her and Esperanza out to live with her boyfriend, whom she then married shortly afterwards. However, Alcarien's boyfriend had a job with long hours. Alcarien couldn't possibly keep up with her six little ones by herself. I spent more time helping her to care for Joy, Molly, and Cordell than I had with Claire, Suzanna, and Elise.

I was stressing out over Alcarien's situation greatly. I felt so guilty each time I went home for Alcarien would still desperately need help and would sometimes be on the verge of tears. There was one morning I woke up because I could swear I could hear the crying of her children coming from the two houses down, but it was simply my brain sick of all the crying I did hear when I was over there. Not being able to fall back asleep, I went downstairs to prepare crepes for nana, Abriel, and Gellrin when they woke up. Nana suddenly appearing behind me when I was finishing up nearly made me jump. She said it had been the first time in weeks that the two of us were alone to talk. I sighed when I realized nana wanted to talk about that. She was going to bring the matter out into the open. She wanted to know when I was planning to conceive again for she needed a time-frame to work with. Nana went on to suggest that I not delay too much longer. I gave her the reasonable excuse that I wanted to wait until Alcarien's situation was more under control before I rendered myself unable to hep her due to my own pregnancy. Nana understood that, but she she also saw right through me. I was told that I couldn't hold off the order forever because I was scared of completing it. She would have to be more pushy about things if my stubbornness continued.

I knew she was trying to keep me on track, but I wished nana had let me deal with the situation on my own. I just wasn't ready to become pregnant again. However, I began to feel more pressure than ever to do so. The guilt piled up high. To stall when I so close to being done was excruciating. I tried over the next several days to go ahead and ask nana to introduce me to the next volunteer, yet I couldn't do it. The more I forced and pushed myself, the more trapped I became. It had been so long since I had felt so buried, and this time there was no vacation or Wesley to save me.

I kept spiraling further and further down over the two weeks that passed. It was the first day of the third week after nana's talk to me where I walked out of the house without saying anything. I'm sure nana thought I was going to Alcarien's house again. My true destination with the cemetery. I had no clue why I thought making a trip there would help me. Perhaps I thought that place would help me accept the reality of my children all dying one day that I had been ignoring for so long. Perhaps I hoped that I would see Elrunamir and Cirabel again if I feel into despair once more. I didn't fall into despair though. Not even looking at the gravestone of a girl who had died by drowning caused me to break out of my numb state.

All I did was keep thinking of a way to stop the inevitable from happening. I recalled the old legend the elves had for the supposed creations of mermaids, a people even my kind were skeptical about. According to what I had been told, the Goddess had turned some elves into sea people to save their lives when they had been trying to drown themselves to escape the terrors of the wars with the humans. It is said that the mermaids, or sea elves are my people are more prone to calling them, then became so embarrassed by their cowardly actions that they created great cities at the bottom of the oceans to hide themselves away from the rest of the world. I don't know if I can believe that to be truth, but I know the Goddess has great power. Why couldn't she just make my children immortal? Why couldn't there be some sort of reward for me having done all of this? I knew the "reward" was me essentially being the person who would save the planet from destruction, but that didn't feel like any sort of payoff to me. Civilization might be saved, but I wouldn't be. All I was doing was ensuring that I had a world to live in while I suffered for eternity.

How was that supposed to be something I would want to strive for?

I came to see that nana understood that she wasn't the one who had the proper power to sway me like she wanted me to be swayed. She had to have called ada back sooner than I had expected again. It was the only way I could rationalize his abrupt appearance at home when I returned. Nana left the two of us alone, and ada shocked me by inviting me to play on the teeter-totter with him. I reluctantly agreed, suspicious that he was only trying to butter me up so he could convince me to agree to conceive. What happened was the exact opposite. He really only wanted to play with me. Ada got us goofing off and joking around until it got to the point where I was laughing like I had when I was a child. We quieted for a moment so I could catch my breath. That was when ada told me to ignore nana. If I didn't want to have a child, then I shouldn't have a child. There was no time limit to the order. The Goddess would prompt me when the time was right if I wasn't already able to sense the appropriate time myself. Forcing myself when I felt such negativity wouldn't make anything good come about. There was nothing wrong about doing things at my own pace.

I couldn't respond I was so stunned. I had thought he was going to lecture me- not give me comfort and support for my desire to wait. Ada then refused to make even those words of his a big deal. He promptly switched the conversation to Abrien. She was finally growing up some. Ada and nana wanted to take her to the elven lands every now and again. She couldn't spend all her time here while growing up. Of course, I said that was fine. Ada smiled, and resumed joking around with me until I began laughing again.

Nana certainly wasn't very happy when ada went on to tell her of what he thought later that evening. She did, however, come to see his point. The two of them agreed that it would be left entirely up to me to decide when it was right for me to have another child. They were supporters- not instigators. I was surprised and relieved at how simply being allowed to make the choice for myself actually opened me up to considering to conceive. Once the pressure was off, I wasn't so guilty. I could feel confident again. With Alcarien then learning how to cope with raising six young children and the coming of the winter holiday, I saw no reason not to throw a gift giving party to celebrate. The party also gave me the chance to see how my daughter and daughter-in-law were doing with their pregnancies. Aewen was pregnant with her second daughter, and Anita was carrying her and Delindir's first child.

I had to chuckle when I saw Marty and Gellrin interacting. I jokingly searched my thoughts to see if I could recall accidentally having slept with another man around the same time I slept with Marty. Of course I hadn't, but it was still so hard to wrap my head around the fact that Gellrin looked absolutely nothing like her father. The two were as close as could be though. Marty was a sweetheart and got Gellrin the spring rider she wanted even though we already had two of the things.

I had assumed when we had had the feast party that Alcarien would have gone into birth then. It turned out it was Aewen going into labor at the gift giving party that happened instead. I was in the dining room talking to Delerith and Andethon when I heard loud, panicked noises coming from the kitchen. One look at Aewen's face told me all I needed to know. I helped everyone calm down while Thoronton got his car ready to take Aewen and me to the hospital. Her husband met us there as soon as we reached the hospital doors. After many a long hours, Aewen gave birth to her daughter. She was named Tasha.

It was holding my newest granddaughter that gave me the last prompting I needed to desire another child. I held that tiny, slightly squirming infant, and wanted another to call all my own. I gave it a few days before I went ahead and revealed to nana my request. It only felt like the next day Mr. Darren Maguire was knocking on the door. We didn't spend so much time talking as I was more prepared for his arrival than I had been for Duncan's. Nana barely had time to find an excuse for taking Abrien, Gellrin, and Erumaren out. Abriel was at a friend's house so I didn't have to worry about her being around while Mr. Maguire and I got down to business.

True complacency returned to me after that. There was a strange sort of relief that I felt at knowing that I was pregnant and could no longer do anything about it. All I could do was enjoy the ride. My children made sure I got plenty of "thrills" along the way. I stepped out of the shower one morning to find out that my hair had turned blue! Instead of washing it out immediately, I walked around the house that morning with that coloring to show that the prank hadn't bothered me. After so many years of dealing with things like that, they hardly made me blink. Nana, Abriel, and Gellrin got a good laugh out of it, and naturally no one confessed to being the perpetrator.

Gellrin and Esperanza, Aewen's older daughter, became good friends around the holidays. I was glad for this as it meant Gellrin had someone to play with who wouldn't pelt her with snowballs every five minutes like Abriel did. The two younger girls' time together was much calmer. They became rather creative at snowman building and quickly took on certain roles. Gellrin did most of the actual building, and Esperanza was the brains behind how it would look. It was interesting to see the dynamic between the them.

When Erumaren had to grow older yet again, I finally gave in and bought a karaoke machine. He was so persistent in asking for one that I began to grow suspicious that Thoronton and Andethon had had something to do with his requests. Why else would they otherwise start to show up a lot more to use it? In reality, I didn't mind too much. With it being only Abriel, Gellrin, and Erumaren, I was able to turn the spare bedroom into a playroom where we could put all the toys and other activities that hadn't been able to fit before. Erumaren also had a pretty good singing voice.

I went to get my ultrasound and came back with big news. I was having twins again- a boy and a girl. Nana congratulated with me with a large smile. I did all that I could to keep a smile on my own face. Inside I was beginning to panic again. Twins would bring me to the end twice as fast. Twins would chip away a large chunk of time that I would get to watch over my children. Pretending to be excited as the only way for me to actually feel excited.

Preoccupying myself helped as well. With Erumaren attending school, I had little to do at the house. Warmer weather was starting to arrive as spring had made an appearance. It remained far too cold to put down any seeds, but I contemplated the idea of creating another garden. That was when I found out there was a community garden not too far from the house. The plants were dormant, but when the temperature rose a bit more I would be able to get the fresh vegetables and fruits I wanted without having to get quite so dirty in the process. I took a walk down there one day. The beautiful wild flowers that were popping up nearby showed me I wouldn't have to wait long before I could begin harvesting.

My pregnancy, which felt like it took forever, also passed quickly. The days blurred together seamlessly due to there being nothing extraordinary to note. I was giving birth to my new son and daughter before I knew it. I named them Celendel and Celenia. They both had Darren's black hair. As I put them to bed that first night, I wondered if I would ever have twins again. I reasoned it was possible, but unlikely. That made me feel rather sad. To think the two little infants in front of me could be my last set of multiples was far more bitter than it was sweet.

And my thoughts grew more depressed when I placed myself down to bed. I couldn't help but to think...

Only seven left......