Dwindling

I would like to say that Wesley and I resolved our issues calmly and like rational adults after we each had some time to calm down. Unfortunately, that is not at all how things went. We went through a too long period of time where we didn't even speak. After two days passed, it became that much harder to break the silence. We eventually had no choice but to do so though. The sudden tension and negative atmosphere taking over the house was really affecting the children. They had no idea what was going on, but Wesley and I being so angry caused them to become angry simply by extension. The conversations Wesley and I had were shallow. We didn't try at all to address our issues. The only positive thing to come about was that those superficial conversations did at least get us talking, and moved us one step closer towards making an actual resolution.

That stage of our fight lasted several days. Thralas had his birthday during that time. Besides Elemir, he had been the least bothered by everything going on. That thankfully meant he was able to celebrate his special day without any worries. We took him out to the store so he could pick out his birthday present, which the children seem to enjoy more rather than being surprised with things they didn't really want. Thralas picked out a horse rocker. It was placed in the corner of his room, and I've barely seen him since as he can stay on that thing for hours.

Punishment

Whenever all six of my children are in front me, I really have to stop and wonder once again why I went ahead and slept with another man. The signs of a new pregnant haven't shown yet, but I can feel them coming. I know it will only be a matter of days before my stomach starts to pull a little more tightly against my clothes. I miss the times when I only had Elioviel to take care of. I can't forget that it was my goal to fill the house up though. I've definitely reached that goal. I just hope I can keep my sanity throughout all of this.

Decision

As I sat watching Elioviel swim, I kept waiting. Waiting to feel terrified, waiting to see my daughter be pulled under the water by some invisible force, waiting to see her gasp for air, and waiting for me to not be able to do anything to stop it. None of that happened. Elioviel swam peacefully without incident while Zuri and I watched over her.  No matter how much I anticipated the worst, the waiting for something bad to happen was the only bad thing that was happening.

Something similar can be said for Meldiron's death. Of course I'm terribly upset and saddened by his passing, but the horrible depression I was so sure I would fall into never hit. I'm still finding ways to enjoy life. Ada theorized that my resistance to the deep sadness can be likened to a callous. Now that I've experienced such a low, Meldiron's death, which was not as tragic or unnecessary as Cirabel's, won't cause that depression again because I've toughened like new skin over a wound. His words made sense, but I decided to keep waiting in case the feelings merely needed more time to sink in.

Sunset Valley

It was a relatively long trip to arrive at our new house. I knew Eloril was getting a bit frustrated with me since I would not stop glancing back towards the direction of Aurora Skies, but I simply couldn't help myself. My head shifted of my own accord before I recognized what I was doing. I knew it was time to leave there, the certainty of that almost overwhelmed me, and yet it was still very hard to leave. Much like my children back in Appaloosa Plains, my children who remain in Aurora Skies told me to go wherever I could be happy again. However, the feeling that I've somehow betrayed them lingers in my heart. I think my regret is a large part of why the chill of my grief will not depart from my skin.

Thus, it was relieving to be distracted when ada, Eloril, Elioviel, Zuri, and I all finally arrived in Sunset Valley and pulled up in front of our new house. We eagerly got out. The car we were in was spacious, but after five days of almost non-stop driving even that extra room wasn't enough. Elioviel and Zuri were the happiest amongst us to be freed. The relief grew into excitement stepping through our new front door. I had been very much in love with the open design plan since the first moment I saw the pictures. The design is mostly why I chose it.

The house somehow reminds me a lot of home, and I need to be as comfortable as possible right now into order to have a clear mind when I make a final decision as to whether I will stay or go.

Compromise

I thought the wait during the past two weeks to hear of my sister's fate was the worst waiting I would ever have to suffer through. However, the mere two days I had to wait for ada and Ellothiel's return proved to be much more frustrating. Two days was how long ada said it would take for them to travel back to Aurora Skies.

When ada told me he had found Ellothiel alive, I was so very glad. I was even more glad that Garthon and Rieldir were not around because I began to cry from relief. It was not simply a few tears that flowed down my cheeks, but I cried with such an intensity that I have not since when I was a young child. The tears that I've held back through this mess in favor of appearing strong to comfort the others flowed out all in that one moment.

Ada had even more good news for me. Ellothiel was doing better than either of us could have believed. She wouldn't say anything other than that she was able to talk to someone who gave her the encouragement she needed to find enough meaning to want to keep living. Ada says there remains a bit of chill on her skin, yet she can smile, and perhaps more importantly, gather the strength to handle her grief.

It was in some woods where ada found Ellothiel. They went to the nearest town to buy a charger for her phone, and we now resting in a hotel. They rented a long-distance taxi, but even by car the journey would still take at least two days. I let Garthon and Rieldir know the news as soon as they got home. I think they are still somewhat bitter at how Ellothiel was treating them, but they want things to just return to normal as much as I do. They were quietly excited at the prospect of finally having their mother home.

Unfortunately, because they have some kind of mandatory tests going on at school, I wasn't able to call them in sick so that they could wait with Elioviel and I on the day ada and Ellothiel were due to return. I got Eli ready for the day, and we waited on the steps all morning.

The Search

I should have known.

I should have known something was wrong when Ellothiel didn't come back by her normal time. While it might be that she rarely eats anything anymore, she at least manages to find her way back here by lunch. However, noon came and went with no sign of her. I was too stupid to notice until I started clearing up the plates. It's just been so hard keeping my thoughts straight and coherent lately.

The grief lingering in my heart is quite unlike what I felt the last time I was here. I met Elrunamir and Ureliel when they were already so far along in their lives. Their passing hurt of course, but that pain was nothing like what struck my chest when I saw the lifeless body of the little girl I'd helped teach to walk and talk limp in Garthon's arms. There's no wiping the memory of her blood soaked face out of my memory.

Then there is Ellothiel. I have no choice but to watch her grow paler, grow weaker every day. Last time I was able to comfort her. This time there's no way I ever could. As badly as I want to ignore the truth, the truth is that it's now Ellothiel's decision alone whether she will live or not- and I fear she's leaning towards not.

Gone

I wonder if there's something wrong with Zuri. Not that she's been sick or upset lately or anything like that, but she has recently been coming into my room every night to sleep next to me on the bed even though all I ever do is ignore her. I don't understand why she has seemingly become so attached to me. I suppose it's a good thing though that Eloril adopted a dog who is so accepting and full of love instead of a completely anti-social one. Zuri has also stopped chewing away at my furniture, so that's good too.

Oddest Looking Dog

Naturally, I miss Elrelas, Henduil, Silmalad, and Alyan now that they've left the house, but since I have Cirabel I find it much harder to be sad. Her recent birthday was a very joyous affair, and she is turning out just as beautiful as I anticipated. Bradley was glad she takes after me. The only thing Cirabel is missing is my ears. Since she's my first daughter in so long, I haven't been able to resist dressing her up in all sorts of pretty shades of pink. Cirabel seems to love everything pink so it works out great.