Decision

As I sat watching Elioviel swim, I kept waiting. Waiting to feel terrified, waiting to see my daughter be pulled under the water by some invisible force, waiting to see her gasp for air, and waiting for me to not be able to do anything to stop it. None of that happened. Elioviel swam peacefully without incident while Zuri and I watched over her.  No matter how much I anticipated the worst, the waiting for something bad to happen was the only bad thing that was happening.

Something similar can be said for Meldiron's death. Of course I'm terribly upset and saddened by his passing, but the horrible depression I was so sure I would fall into never hit. I'm still finding ways to enjoy life. Ada theorized that my resistance to the deep sadness can be likened to a callous. Now that I've experienced such a low, Meldiron's death, which was not as tragic or unnecessary as Cirabel's, won't cause that depression again because I've toughened like new skin over a wound. His words made sense, but I decided to keep waiting in case the feelings merely needed more time to sink in.

It was when Elediril had his birthday that I knew what ada said was true. So much time had passed, and I was only growing more confident.

It helped that I was really glad I have another adorable dark-haired toddler to look after. Elediril takes a lot after Joseph in terms of looks, but we'll have to wait and see if he has the same issues inside his mind that Joseph does. I pray hard that that will not be the case.

Elioviel has proven to be just as wonderful a big sister as Cirabel was. She is always willing to help- even with the dirty diapers. Unfortunately, sometimes she isn't the best influence. It turns out Elioviel is already teaching her brother how to steal the cookies that were meant for dessert after dinner. I leave the kitchen for two seconds to let Zuri outside and come back to find half the plate missing.

It was later that night when I found out Eloril actually paid Elioviel to steal the cookies for the three of them to share. In order to punish my brother for encouraging my daughter to be a thief, I told the maid to let Eloril take care of toilet duty for the rest of the week.

I forgot that ada, Eloril, and I had to have another serious talk. I would have delayed it forever if possible, but of course that wasn't possible. Enough time had passed for it to be the moment for me to make my decision. Ada and Eloril told me if I truly couldn't continue with the task perhaps one of them could stay, but if I felt I had strength to plough through on alone it was imperative that they return home. Naneth was keeping things together well enough, but our land couldn't exist peacefully for too much longer without ada and Eloril.

The idea of returning home remained a very tempting idea within my mind. However, we could all clearly see I was well enough to continue the task. In fact, some part of me still really wanted to continue. After pushing past my grief, it would be ridiculous to simply give up on all that I've accomplished and worked hard at. Going home would shame the memory of my children who have supported, loved, and done so much for me. I had no choice but to stay and finish what we started.

Ada and Eloril agreed with me. It was the hard decision, but the best one. The two of them began talking about when they would leave. Word should be sent home first, and they needed to get some things in order. They also said they could wait until after Elioviel's next birthday, although not in those particular words. Given how they said they would leave after Cirabel's birthday last time, I think they were afraid of jinxing the family by using the same phrasing.

I listened sadly for a little bit, but I had to stop their discussion. There was a strong prompting in my chest that instructed me that it would be better if they left as soon as possible. There was to be no word, no waiting for birthdays, and arraignments for transportation were to be made right away. Ada and Eloril just had to go. If they lingered too much longer then I wouldn't be able to let them leave. They have to get out of here before I become accustomed to having them here with me in Sunset Valley. I came here to start over, so I must start over without them.

Ada and Eloril were naturally hurt by me essentially telling them that I was kicking them out, yet they knew as well that they shouldn't overstay their welcome. We hugged each other for a long time after that. Eloril told me this wouldn't be the last I would see of him. I'm not even half-way done. There's plenty of time for another visit. He also told me that I should try to come home as soon as possible though. I've already been gone for over two hundred and fifty years. He missed having our family together.

I promised him. I would buckle down. No more delays.

I did kick myself for making ada and Eloril leave so quickly despite how badly it needed to be done. Elioviel cried and begged everyday for them to stay. I did very little to stop her for she was doing what I wanted to do. I almost hoped letting her get everyone so riled up emotionally would change something. However, less than three days later Elioviel, Elediril, and I were saying goodbye to ada, Eloril, and Zuri. Eloril was even taking his little stray with him since we all knew they couldn't be separated.

I did all my crying early in that morning before Elediril was even up. I wanted to be able to say goodbye properly without worrying ada and Eloril further. I thanked them again and again for everything. Without them, I really would have been lost. I promised them again I would do all that I could to reunite our family like they had helped this family here reunite.

After a thousand hugs and 'I love you's', ada, Eloril, and Zuri got in the taxi that then swept them off to the airport. Elioviel and I watched them until they were out of sight.

They had truly left.

I missed their presence just as much as I expected. After having them around for so many years it will take some time to adjust to being alone. Elioviel was having just as difficult a time as I was. That's why I allowed her to have the slumber party she asked for even though it was Sunday. I was amazed at how having the a house full of children again made this house finally feel like home.

It made me realize how much I missed having lots of my babies to care for, so I did something about that. Getting pregnant was indeed my intention, but the way it came about was very much unexpected. It happened in a way similar to how I met Lewis actually. I took Elediril to the park for him to play and for me to meet some more men. However, it started to rain not long after we arrived. I was walking back to our house as fast as I could when a man offered for us to take shelter in his house until the storm passed. With the rain getting heavier each second, I agreed.

The man's named was Mr. Clint Gooden. He and I started a conversation after I got Elediril playing. It didn't take me too long to realize that Mr. Gooden also tended to get around a lot. As soon as he saw that I was interested, he became very flirtatious. Elediril blessedly had fallen asleep, so Mr. Gooden and I went upstairs.

He barely ever met my eyes. They were looking at other places on my body. I felt proud in a strange way. A long time ago I would have been embarrassed or irritated by the attention. Now its become more a complement that the men take pleasure in staring, as long as the staring is done at the appropriate time. I don't flaunt myself when it's not necessary. I know if I revealed to my friends back home that I felt proud at any time for being lusted after, they would think me shameless and corrupted. I don't really mind that thought too much. Being here, I need to take hold of all the perks I can get.

There are times when I do feel disappointed in my behavior though. All I need to do is spend time with Elioviel and Elediril to make those feelings disappear. They remind me of the reason why I act the way I act sometimes. They remind me that I everything I do is important- because having and loving them will change the future of the world.

With autumn finally arriving, the trees have begun dropping their leaves. I've told the maid multiples times to leave the leaves to us, but she refuses to listen. I'm paying her to clean the inside of the house, so I don't know why she continues to ignore me. It seems my problems with maids will never end.

I tried to curb my curiosity again, but I failed. I wanted at first for the gender of my fiftieth child to be a surprise. However, I simply couldn't resist going to the hospital for an ultrasound scan and subsequently finding out I was having another boy.

This is absolutely crazy. Fifty children. There are so many moments and memories that have lead up to this reality. My time here has felt as if it has been an eternity and yet it still has passed by so quickly. It's a bit scary to think that after the next child I'll have more of the task completed than what is left to do. I've started writing down as many of memories of here as possible so that none of what is precious to me is lost.

My back was aching something awful, so I made a trip to the spa to get a nice, calming massage. I chatted a lot during my time there with a man who worked part-time, Mr. Saul Guillory. He got off his shift the same time my massage ended. I stayed and chatted with him more while he waited for his ride. I say chatted, but we mostly flirted. I was surprised he was even interested given that I was pregnant and that I told him I had two other young children living at home. I suppose he's one to keep in mind for the future.

My two young children at home turned into only one young child at home after Elioviel had her birthday. How could my baby girl already have become a teenager? Her birthday was difficult for both of us since it was the first we celebrated without ada and Eloril. We did what we could to be cheerful despite their absence. Eloril made us promise we wouldn't be glum.

I must admit, it is nice to have an older daughter to talk to. It can be a double-edged sword though. I told Elioviel of Mr. Guillory, and she made such a dirty joke that I ended up choking slightly on my cake. She had certainly picked up more adult ideas perhaps a little too quickly......