Continuing On

Though I was indeed grateful Wesley's pain and agony was not lengthened unnecessarily, my heart still broke into a million pieces at his passing. My grief fully hit me several minutes after I woke up that night, and even Ranna's loud crying was lost on me. The craziness started a few more minutes after that when Maldor came to see what was going on when my daughter's crying didn't stop. I remember him alerting Elemir, Elemir freaking out, Maldor going to get Ranna, and me being almost absolutely useless. The hours until the sun rose were long indeed.

The days that followed were longer yet. The troubles I encountered were nothing new. My heart bled, I found it hard to summon the will to do much of anything, I barely slept or ate, I cried all the time, and I found myself attracted to the spots where Wesley and I would often sit and relax. However, my familiarity with such burdens did nothing to make their weight less. One of the few reliefs I had truly was that I had no doubts or regrets. Even my great heartbreak did not make me question whether or not I had done the right thing. I knew I had. The satisfaction of having had all those wonderful years helped pull me through where as the guilt I would have had if I had pushed Wesley away would have dragged me down further. My suffering was terrible, and yet I knew I would overcome it.

Make-Believe

I woke up before Wesley the next morning. I showered and dressed, and the lights were still off in his room. I decided to go ahead and have breakfast so he could sleep some more. Apparently, this was the wrong thing to do. Wesley was not happy I hadn't woken him up. I had gone ahead and had what should have been our first meal as an official unofficial couple together without him. As a result, I had a second breakfast. I didn't mind since I really do love the resort's food, and I thankfully hadn't eaten all that much the first time around.

It was incredibly warm that morning. It only made since to start the day off at the beach snorkeling. I waited while Wesley got the gear, and when he showed up I spotted the tattoo on his shoulder that I had completely forgotten about. I naturally had to ask Wesley the particulars about the design. Well, he started, I had made a brief mention the day before that my name related to a type of flower. So he had gotten a flower design. The green was for my eyes, the lilac was because it was my favorite color, the white was because I had this pure aura around me, and the black was simply to hold it altogether.

I stared at Wesley in confused amazement. He couldn't actually be serious about all of that. Wesley was perfectly serious though. I couldn't believe him. That tattoo was permanent. Why on earth had he thought it would be a good idea to base the whole thing around me? Wesley repeated what he had said the previous night. Meeting me had helped me more than I would know, and more than he was ever going to let me know. The tattoo ensured that he had a way to think back to good times once we separated. I still couldn't get the whole thing to make sense in my head, but I had to just accept what he told me. It's not like there was any way the tattoo could be changed.

Axel

Ever since Lomaraniel had her birthday, she's gained the same affinity for sculpting that Fiendir has. I'm certainly glad to see that the shed is getting some use again. I was considering either having it taken down or remodeled into something more useful. The timing of Mara's birthday was perfect. I'll have to invite Fiendir over soon to give his sister some tips and instruction to help her improve even more.

Leaving the Nest

I am glad that someone has inherited my mother's artistic talents. It is good that I have taken up writing for Elaril is constantly attached to the easel. He can finish paintings much faster than I can. Of course, his works are still that of a child's, but it won't be too much longer before they are brilliant. Maybe I can save one of his paintings some day, and bring it back with me when I return home. I'm sure my mother would like that very much. I would as well for Elaril will be long dead before such a time comes. That painting will be all I have to remember him by......

I try not to think of that cold reality.

Imagination

Everyday my children do something surprising- sometimes even before I have the chance to properly wake up. This morning it was Ureliel causing the situation. I hadn't even changed out of my nightclothes yet. I was heading to the bathroom to shower when I found her suddenly sprinting out the front door in her pajamas! I brought her inside right away, and asked why she was so shaken up. Ureliel told me she thought there were monsters under her bed. She said she checked and saw some, which was why she bolted out of the house. I looked under the bed with her to show her there was nothing. There wasn't even a lost sock. I could tell she was embarrassed so I haven't mentioned the matter any further.

Growing Older

I can't believe it, but Elrun's birthday came once again. He's now an adolescent, or "teenager" as his age group is more popularly called here. Either way, this birthday of his has left me a bit scared. Firstly because his body is going through rapid changes, and it is likely he'll become more rebellious and troublesome. He's already begun to wear a jacket that has a skull on the back. I won't judge too quickly though. Elrun has given me no reason otherwise to think he'll become a troublemaker. He's still the same sweet boy I know.

What I'm actually more scared of is the reality that my first baby will leave after his next birthday. He'll be all grown up, and will move out. I don't understand how human mothers deal with the rapid growth of their children. I've said it before, but if Elrun was a full elf he would still be crawling around as a very young toddler. He hasn't stated his intentions as to what he wants to do when he becomes an adult, but I hope he stays close by.

It is nice that he's able to help out around the house more. Our trash receptacle keeps getting knocked over again and again by stray animals. Elrun is quick to clean up the mess, and he's eager to help look after his siblings so I can rest or get other work done. Elrun has made me almost cry once although not for any of the reasons you might be thinking. Even though he's busy with school and helping me out, he went and got a part-time job at the local food store. Elrun said he got the job because he wanted to and that it would be good work experience in the future. I know it's because he doesn't want us to have to worry about money ever again. Ureliel and Elaril won't seem the same struggles that Elrun has, and he seems determined to keep it that way.

A Blessing

With this entire task, and the way things have been going for me so far, I never thought I would catch a break. I work hard, but as soon as I get enough money to feel comfortable some new necessity comes along to leave us destitute. I don't understand why everything revolves around money for you humans. We have no real need for a currency back home. Everyone works because they want to make each others' lives better. With everyone helping out, there's little left that requires money to be bought. If anything, we rely more on trading. It seems as if such a peaceful system will never be achieved here. Humans are too greedy. They want too much, and are never satisfied with the riches that they already have. Unfortunately, I have found my thoughts revolving around money constantly as well though.

So I made a wish. I might not have felt great love for the Goddess lately, but she is not an evil being who takes pleasure out of her people's suffering. I believed that she would find a way to help me.