Falling Apart

Tinaldor, Menel, and I spent a long time at that pond. I continued to skate the whole time, but Tinaldor and Menel used the fresh snow to build a family of snowmen after they grew bored with circling the pond. The sun started to sink below the horizon. However, I didn't want to go home just yet. I let Rithranduil know I was taking his siblings out to dinner. The bistro we wanted to go to was absolutely packed, and though we were so hungry we were willing to wait until we could get a table. The meal was well worth it. Our order was also initially gotten very wrong, and we dined for free because of the major error.

Tinaldor and Menel went right to bed without even changing out of their day clothes they were so tired. I went to check on Nonion before I slipped off to bed myself. Nonion was sleeping peacefully in his crib having been well taken care of. Rithranduil remained awake in his room. I went in there to thank him. Silence was my answer. I repeated my thank you, and I was told to go away.

So I did.

I got a call from Carey one day. It was unexpected since it wasn't one of his days to take Nonion. He asked what I was doing and if I had some free time. Rithranduil, Tinaldor, and Menel were at school, so it was only Nonion and I left with us having pretty much nothing to do at that moment. Good, Carey said. I obviously wanted to know why this was good. I first assumed Carey wanted to take me and his son out somewhere. He quickly tossed that idea out of the window. I had told him not to tell anyone else about the task, but Carey admitted before I gave him the instruction he did reveal it to one other person- and he promised it was only this one other person who knew. Carey hoped I wouldn't get mad, because this man he was telling me about wanted to help. He normally lived in one of the far away cities, but he had some matters that had brought him to Twinbrook.

Honestly, I did not want to become pregnant again. I was sick of having to give away so much of my freedom to carry a child. The idea of losing my freedom again for yet another nine months depressed me. Nonion was getting older though. I knew my time before consequences started to appear was running out. It also seemed since I was becoming so unwilling to do anything to further the task, the Goddess was pushing it along for me against my will. I do not honestly believe the man Carey told me about was randomly so willing to come out to Twinbrook to bear me a child just after hearing about the task. There had to have been some intervention where the Goddess used her persuasion.

After much debating, I agreed to meet Carey's friend. The man who showed up, Mr. Bootes Starr, surprised me. His appearance somehow entranced me, and I was stunned to learn his family from his father's side had once lived in the very house I was in now long ago. He had never been here himself though, and was glad to finally have the chance to go inside. In the whole time of our introduction, not once did he mention the task or babies. We just talked. And we talked for a long while until Mr. Starr suddenly planted a kiss on my lips. We were right on the front porch for everyone to see! Thankfully, no one was around. I went along with the not so subtle hint.

Nonion was blessedly still fast asleep in his crib in the nursery. Mr. Starr and I didn't have to worry about distractions when he and I went into my room. I did what I could to ignore the fact that I would become pregnant from our encounter. Bootes was not repulsive in any way and he did well to make sure I felt good, but I simply could not get the enjoyment like I normally could. I was too focused on bashing down my reluctance to really pay attention to the whole thing. After we were done, Bootes was a gentleman and asked if I wanted to take Nonion out with him and I so the three of us could do something fun before the other children returned home. I declined. We stayed in the bed to talk more instead. I eventually got an idea, and with some effort on my part I got Bootes into the mood again. We ended up sleeping together once more before Bootes had to leave to attend to the matters that had originally brought him to town. I had just been determined that if I had no choice but to have a child, I at least wanted the encounter that would lead to conception to be satisfying. It had been once I finally locked away my reluctance for the time being.

Rithranduil has found himself a girlfriend. Her name is Kenya Drummond. It was ridiculous of me, but I foolishly hoped when I heard Rithranduil ha stared dating that the girl would be good and help to turn him around. Naturally, I was completely wrong. My son met Kenya through one of his "friends"- I call them "friends" because it does not seem like any of them actually care for the others. They just are willing to get into trouble with each other. I know Kenya has gotten into a fair amount of trouble herself, but I can't say for sure how problematic she is or what she's like as a person. I don't even really know what she looks like. She and Rithranduil are always making out so deeply whenever I spot them together. Their faces are entirely hidden.

As if this new development with my son didn't drive me crazy and make me more upset than I already was, Rithranduil has purposely been leaving very obvious hints that he and Kenya have been doing it, and do it frequently. I had a strong idea of what consequences such behavior would lead to even if I wished hard with all my might that it wouldn't come to that. All my efforts at teaching Rithranduil to be responsible with what he was doing became what all my other efforts have been- useless. Besides his activities with his girlfriend, Rithranduil is also currently suspended from school. He broke into the female locker room to steal the underwear and bras, which he hung up in the hallways. Even Buddy, the only person Rithranduil will listen to, can't do much to control him anymore.

Ithilas has been prompting with more force than before for me to send him to military school. The school itself is strongly suggesting I send him to another school that is used to dealing with troublemakers like him. I said I would consider the ideas. However, as truly idiotic as it makes me and as hard as it is to have Rithranduil around, I still want him around. It still feels like I'd be abandoning him if I sent him away. He showed signs that the good person inside can be reached that night he volunteered to babysit. I want to think I can bring that person out again.

I can scarcely believe it has been so long since that time when he was happy. Tinaldor's birthday reminded me it had been. He made it clear right from the start that he was going to be the exact opposite of his older brother. He hated what Rithranduil had done to our family, and he was determined to fix it. Tinaldor doesn't have to try too hard to be different from though. He is already kind, helpful, and loving. By personality alone he acts instinctively acts more like the oldest brother.

What isn't so good is that he is naturally much stronger than Rithranduil. Now that he can hold his own against him, Tinaldor frequently calls him out when he's doing something harmful or bad. The two used to ignore each other completely. Now they fight all the time. Rithranduil knows he would lose so he doesn't initiate any actual fighting, but there have been many times where I've had to grab Tinaldor's arm to hold him back and quell his rage. He then usually storms off to the spare room where the extra computer is. He's very skilled at using computers, and is just as knowledgeable about them.

I saw the results of my delay with the task on Nonion's birthday. It normally bothers me deeply when I see I've been slacking on the work that will change the doomed fate of the entire world, but this time around it was hard to get myself to care. I suppose I wanted to be selfish for a moment. I at least had a little break from having an infant or toddler to look after for a while. What I really am bothered about is how unenthused I have become. There was that small period of time in the small house in Sunset Valley where I hated the symptoms of pregnancy, but as soon as we moved back into the big house the inconvenience stopped being an issue. As much as I love my current children, I truly do not want any more. It only makes sense after 71 children I would feel that way.

The Goddess surely must be reprimanding me for such thoughts though. I took myself to the hospital for a check-up and an ultrasound where I received the news that I was carrying twins. I haven't had twins since Elvaran and Analinde so it made sense that I was due for some more, but I couldn't help but to think the Goddess may have done something to me to cause the conception of two children. Doing so would not only make sure I caught up to where I should've been with the task, it also put me ahead of track. I at least wanted one of the children to be a girl. I got my wish. The first twin was female, but the second one was positioned in such a manner that the gender could not be accurately determined. I will never, ever blame or despise my children for being conceived and born. I was already loving my twins though it would be some time still until we met. However, I was dealing with my condition very begrudgingly.

Menel helps me to keep myself together. The stress and friction Rithranduil and Tinaldor naturally affects her and puts her under duress as it does to the rest of us. She always seeks shelter by me. Now that it is spring, we like to go outside into the warm weather. Sometimes we'll play on the seesaw or swings, but our favorite thing to do is to sit under the tree and just relax. Menel will occasionally fall asleep against me. When the two of us are there like that, it feels as if everything is peaceful and right with us all.

My plants have woken up after their dormant slumber, and I was glad for the extra distraction. It took a lot of work to get them healthy again after all the snow the winter brought. Half of them have only just bloomed for the first time, and even having the fruits and vegetables in front me did not clarify as to what most of them were. Menel and Nonion helped me to collect what I couldn't identify, and then we searched the internet to find out the contents of our mystery harvest. As it turns out, some of what we have is quite rare and sells for much money. I have gone ahead and sold some, but I've kept most of them simply because the pear shaped fruits are especially delicious.

If I had had any idea at all of what was going to happen, I never would have pushed Rithranduil. I wish now that I would have just ran away from the whole thing.

At the time, I thought I was taking the best step forward that I could manage. I thought I had come up with a good compromise. I'll bet you'll be stunned and surprised to learn that Rithranduil had spent most of that one particular afternoon in detention for getting in trouble yet again. He had skipped class to take a nap in the janitor's closet. It certainly was not the worst thing he had ever done, but the school was losing patience with him. They called me to let me know if something didn't change that my son would be expelled. When Rithranduil returned home, I tried and failed as always to impress upon him the seriousness of the situation.

He truly did not care about it. He asked me why I didn't just go ahead and ship him away like everyone else had been telling me to do. I revealed I had come up with a different idea. Instead of sending him to another school, he was going to be home schooled. Rithranduil was aghast at the idea. I could not do that to him, he told me. Too bad, I replied, for I had already started the application process. He wouldn't be able to get into anymore trouble for he would be home all day where I could keep an eye on him. He wouldn't even be able to move from the computer until his work was finished. Rithranduil fought back and said he wasn't going to go along with it. He would go crazy if he had to be stuck in this house all day with me. Too bad, I repeated. I was doing this for his own good. Things would become infinitely harder for him if he otherwise kept up his behavior and got expelled. His record was already bad enough.

That's when Rithranduil started yelling at me. He refused to put up with this. If I insisted on trying to force the home schooling on him, then he was going to have to go live with his father instead. He should have already gone there a long time ago.

The next few words, the next few seconds even, happened so fast. I finally put my foot down. I had had enough. Rithranduil was not yelling or arguing his way out this time. I had given him so many opportunities to make the situation better for himself, but he had refused them all. He had lost his chance to have a say in the matter. He was staying. He was being home schooled.  Rithranduil said he said hated me. I told him that was fine, but I loved him. It was why I could accept him hating me if it helped him from the dark place he had willing rushed headfirst into.

It was terrifying how dark and angry Rithranduil's expression turned at my comment of me loving him. It has been since he changed that my admittance of my love for him, for whatever reason,  always set him off the most. This time, however, it made him snap. I anticipated what happened next to be coming, but I so desperately wanted to believe my little boy wouldn't do such a thing that I reacted too slowly. I was barely able to take a step back when Rithranduil's fist connected solidly with my check. I, heavily pregnant, crashed into the ground.

Since I consider that event to have happened quickly, then the next thirty seconds can only be described as having passed by before one could blink. Tinaldor, who just happened to come inside from the backyard the instant Rithranduil struck me, flew by me to tackle his brother. I sat there frozen in a stunned and horrified trance as I watched my sons tumble and fight with each other. Tinaldor easily overpowered Rithranduil, and was beating at him with a ferocity that scared me. All the times he had held back was boiling over into that one moment, and there was no telling how far he would take it. I was forced to find my voice so I could cry out to him to stop. Tinaldor hesitated, but let go. Rithranduil's nose was bleeding badly. It had probably been broken. Various other cuts added to the mess, and deep bruises were already forming. Tinaldor shoved him into the door as he left before slamming it closed behind him.

He came over to hold me as I was apparently crying rather hard. I was in such a state of shock that I hadn't even realized it.

When the long minutes passed and I had collected myself as best I could in that situation, I sent Tinaldor off to blow off some steam. Then I found Menel- sitting and hiding at the top of the stairs with tears running down her face. She had watched the whole thing from that position. As I went over to comfort her, I was glad at least Nonion had been over at Carey's and escaped the trauma. I took Menel to my room where we cuddled together on my bed trying to make some sense of what had just happened. I managed to stop crying, and Menel fell asleep.

It was a few minutes later when I received a phone call from Buddy. Rithranduil had stormed into his house and into his room there. He wouldn't say a word to him. I revealed everything, and boy was Buddy furious. He began ranting about how he was going to kick Rithranduil out, but I begged him not to. I didn't know what he would do if he was left with nowhere to go in his condition. He could hurt someone else, or he could hurt himself even more. I pleaded to Buddy to keep him safe, and also to take him to the hospital. His nose would need to be looked at. Buddy asked, in a sort of softly confused voice, why I was still begging Rithranduil's case after what he had done to me.

He was my son. Everyone, including Buddy, had told me for so long to just send him off so I wouldn't have to deal with him, but there was no way I could forget that most important fact that everyone else kept forgetting. Buddy simply sighed. He called me crazy, but agreed to do what I asked. I thanked him.

Though all of us in the household calmed down and things did become more pleasant with Rithranduil living at Buddy's, his absence to me was painful. Perhaps I really am crazy. I just can't help but to love that boy who hates me so much he would physically hurt me as he did after having put me through so much else. Then he had the nerve to cut off all contact with me. The only way I know about how he is doing is from the occasional updates from Buddy.

The weeks passed quietly. The stress from everything must have been the reason my girls came earlier than even the early due date that had been set. It truly was thanks to their elvish heritage that they were able to come so early and not be in grave danger. The first few days and nights were incredibly difficult as I worked them up to full health, but it was miraculous I was able to do that by myself in such a short time without even having to take them to the hospital. Elrandra and Emethien then became much easier to handle when they grew strong. Their presence, and the distraction they provided, managed to cheer me up somewhat.

There was never a moment to rest though. If I wasn't watching over my baby girls then something else would pop up out of nowhere to take away all of my spare time. Nonion, also stressed by the whole situation, got  a stronger version of cold that had been passing through the school like wildfire. Unfortunately, he was one very sick boy. It almost got to the point where I had to take him to the hospital. I was doing a constant run between him and Elrandra and Emethien.

I think that in order to stop myself from falling apart, I instinctively entered a sort of daze state. I gave up my concerns for myself, and gave in to the fight holding back the numbness that has constantly threatened to wash over me for some time now. I really do believe letting go in that sort of manner was what kept me functioning. I hoped when I called Sind I would get relief. The call only made things worse. I had forgotten how very old Sind had become. His voice was bright, but also so soft and tired as if he had to force his throat to make any noise at all. He admitted he had been ill a lot recently. Griselda was even worse. Sind told me of so many happy things, but the more I listened the more I became disheartened.

Sind was going to die soon. Griselda was going to die soon. I had hoped to see them again, but it's not like they are in proper health to come here. I had not one spare second myself to make it out to Sunset Valley.

As exhausted as I constantly was, I stopped being able to sleep. There was too many thoughts, too much to handle, for my mind to find rest. I was lucky if I could drift off into a light sort of slumber for two or three hours.

Then that night came. I tried hard, but no sleep would come to me at all. It was frustrating. I knew Tinaldor would be able to handle things if someone needed something, so I decided to go for a walk right then and there during the middle of the night. I walked for a long time. Eventually I came to the small park area near the north coast of the sea. I spotted a figure standing there on the sidewalk watching the water. Of course it would be him. I almost continued walking without looking back. I did even take a few steps, but I stopped. A powerful feeling washed over me that I really needed to speak with him. It was the reason I had been brought there at that exact moment. I cursed my prompting, but I approached the figure.

Rithranduil was surprised to see me, but he was not angry. He barely acknowledged me at all. The two of us simply stood there in silence for a good long while watching the waves and the waving reflection of the stars upon them. I finally heard Rithranduil take a small breath, and he admitted that Kenya was pregnant. I told him I had expected as much. I was then told that she was going to get an abortion. That made my heart race. I understood somewhat the position that girl was facing. I saw the struggle and fear when Nikara went through the same situation. I knew the consequences almost rationalized the action.

Yet, I am an elf. My people have always valued life so strongly. Every bit of it is something to be blessed. More importantly than that though, I am a mother. I pleaded with Rithranduil to convince Kenya to change her mind. Rithranduil surprised when he told me he didn't want her to get an abortion either. Kenya's parents didn't want to keep the baby at their house though, and Buddy didn't want the responsibility either. He was furious enough with him as it was. Kenya couldn't stand the thought of giving the baby away to strangers by way of adoption- so in her mind that left abortion as the only answer.

I told Rithranduil that, if he and Kenya wanted, they could give the baby to me. Rithranduil asked me why on earth would I do that. This was his child we were talking about- the troublesome, awful him. I was indignant. How many times did I have to say it? He was my son. I told him I knew he didn't believe me each time I told him I loved him, but it has always been the truth. He wanted the child to live, so I wanted the child to live. Rithranduil stared at me with an unreadable expression, but he eventually said he would bring the idea up with Kenya. She knew me somewhat. Perhaps she wouldn't mind me taking in their child.

Rithranduil then said that he was tired. He was going back home, and going to bed. Alright, I responded before saying goodnight. I caught my son sneaking one last glance in my direction before he turned back to walk away from me into the night......