Bitterness

I signed Rithranduil up for counseling.

I had to do something, and it was the one thing suggested to me over and over again. Rithranduil's pranks on me were getting to the point where he was causing me small amounts of pain. He would constantly scare and terrify Tinaldor and Menel thinking he was being funny making them scream their heads off. His time at school, which Rithranduil had seemed to enjoy, became another problem area as he started acting up and skipping frequently. Talking to him doesn't help. The more I tell him I love him, I'm concerned, and that I want to help the angrier he gets. Trying to be tough by reprimanding and punishing him is also pointless. Rithranduil ignores all my words, and never does his punishments.

Ithilas told me I should send him to military school to straighten him up. How could I do that? Rithranduil was happy, but then he changed so rapidly. Something had to have happened that I missed. I didn't feel that shipping him off to a place such as military school would be a good reinforcer that I wanted to help. It would surely only make him think that I was trying to get rid of him. That's why I went with counseling instead. If he wouldn't talk to any of us, perhaps Rithranduil would talk to someone outside the situation. I desperately wanted my happy little boy back.

Rithranduil, thankfully, at least attended his sessions without causing any problems even if weeks and weeks went by without improvement. I was willing to wait for a while. Rithranduil was clearly going to be a tough one to open up. It was discouraging then when the very skilled counselor I was sending him too revealed he was having trouble discovering the root of the problem. I had my own session with him. He understood how deeply I cared for Rithranduil, how I had attempted and still attempted to give him plenty of attention, and how badly I wanted to help. Neglect, then, could not possibly be the issue. Rithranduil had many friends at school, and there were no obvious signs of bullying. There was nothing to suggest that another adult was abusing him. The counselor said this really was a difficult and unique case.

I tried my best not to stress myself out over Rithranduil and the whole thing. With me becoming pregnant with Carey's child, my emotions were already all over the place.

I had told Eleme to live as if she was living on her own even though she lived at home. Well, she took that to heart. Eleme does help me out as much as she can, but that amount has been growing smaller and smaller as she gets busier and busier with her job at the stadium. She can't work out at home anymore since we don't have the proper equipment. That means she's spending hours at the gym instead. I'll see her at most two hours out of the entire day. Most recently, Eleme has been dropping hints that she wants to know if she's allowed to leave. In all honestly, I hoped she would become like Sind who never wanted to live apart from me. I can see the desire for independence burning so strongly in my daughter though. It makes me feel absolutely horrible that I'm keeping her at home against her will. Like the rest of us, she has stopped getting along with Rithranduil. It breaks her heart since she loves him so much- he's her first little sibling. I think that is also a lot of why she wants to leave. Eleme wants to get away from that pain. I've told myself to give it just a little more time, and hopefully the counseling will have done something by then.

Even if it doesn't help, I suppose I will have to let Eleme go regardless and just deal with it. She has to go at some point. Besides, I do have other sources of help. Moshe and Ty come over when they can. I'll admit, Ty was not happy when he discovered I was pregnant again. He believed my experience sleeping with him was a one-time thing and that Menel was a happy accident. Once it dawned on him I was sleeping around to get pregnant, his opinion of me dropped. We do still manage to get along decently though. It is not as if he instantly threw out all the good parts of me he had learned about. It wouldn't matter if he had though. Ty would continue to come over for he loves his little girl tremendously. Menel looks forward to his visits each day.

The household doesn't see too much of Buddy anymore, but that's because he works at night now and sleeps for most of the day. I toyed with the idea that it might be Buddy causing Rithranduil's behavior, but then I shook my head at myself. Rithranduil gets along great with his father. If Buddy was causing the problem, it would be him Rithranduil would shun instead of us.

Things became a bit more manageable when Tinaldor had his birthday. He did have a good birthday, but after that he became sad. I think he thought once he had his birthday that Rithranduil would want to play with him again. Naturally, that was not the case. It was hard to see Tinaldor lose his best friend all over again. I had to do something extra to cheer up him, and so I asked him what he wanted. His answer was a pet of any kind. I wanted to know if something small that could be kept in a cage was alright. My desire to adopt a puppy still remained, but with everything else going on it didn't feel like the best time to bring a young dog into the house.

Tinaldor was fine with a small pet. I took him to the store where he picked out a turtle, which he named Boxxy on account that she is of the Eastern Box variety. Tinaldor plays with her constantly even if she does bite him when she gets tired.

It was just when the counseling seemed like it was actually doing something when Rithranduil decided he was done with it. It was an absolutely frustrating struggle to get him to go, and each time he managed to run out during the middle of every session despite the best efforts of his counselor and the staff. He would run to some nearby park or building where he would hide until one of us could find him. I eventually took to sitting outside the building to catch him when he appeared. The counselor admitted that he was at a loss. There was no neurological behavioral problems causing the behavior. Rithranduil was completely healthy, which meant medication would make little difference. As far as he could tell, there was no dramatic event that triggered his issues. There was nothing causing Rithranduil duress save for the reason he wants to keep hidden no matter what.

The counselor suggested I send him to a more specialized school for problem children. I told him I would consider it, but I didn't want to have to do that until I exhausted every other possible option. Rithranduil continued his little escapes during his counseling, so I pulled him out of it considering it wasn't doing any good. I was also wasting a decent amount of money, and especially a lot of my time with me having to sit there waiting for my son to escape. Rithranduil calmed down enough when he was allowed to stop going, but only to the point where he would do his punishments, like standing in the corner, without complaint.

The labor that I had this time was much longer and much more painful than it has been in recent past. It is no doubt it was because of all the stress I had been under. The dull ache of pain making my body wince never stopped from day one of my pregnancy, and it only grew worse until I went into that awful labor. What made the experience worse was that it was a snow day. Not only were Rithranduil and Tinaldor home, but Eleme's work had been canceled as well. I had wanted to scream out my frustrations during the labor, but then they all would have thought something was terribly wrong and force me to the hospital. I had to instead quietly groan out my frustrations while I gave birth to my son- Nonion. Despite my pain and exhaustion, I grew so happy holding that baby boy. It was a relief to finally hold him. It was also a relief that I could wait a little longer before I had to worry about having another pregnancy. 

Eleme and Tinaldor were the most excited people in the world when they meet their new brother. Menel became excited from their excitement. Rithranduil watched expressionless from the door, refusing to come see Nonion no matter how many times I asked him to. I was disappointed and saddened, but not surprised. He's turned his heart away from the rest of us. Why should he feel different about Nonion?

The day after Nonion's birth, Eleme received wonderful news from Ithilas. Jade was finally pregnant with their first child. Eleme was so thrilled at the prospect of being an aunt, and I was looking forward to having grandchildren to spoil again. I was surprised this news took so long to come considering that Ithilas had given me a big hint quite a while ago about him and Jade wanting to try for a child. Eleme told me that Ithilas had revealed there had been some problems with Jade conceiving, but that everything was perfectly fine now. That was gladdening to hear.

I thought about how so many things were going right now. If only I could just find out the root of the problem causing Rithranduil's behavior. I can scarcely think about anything else anymore. I can barely even make it through one conversation without mentioning him, and it's driving me insane that it's all I can focus on.

The announcement of Ithilas and Jade having their baby on the way was what convinced me to finally allow Eleme to leave. I also came to the conclusion that I cannot forget the realization I had before Ithilas graduated high school. Time keeps moving on with or without my notice, and it moves fast. I understood then that if I did not let Eleme leave at that point in time that I would be holding her back from so many opportunities and experiences she would never get the chance to grab again. Eleme was slightly reluctant to leave herself since nothing was resolved with Rithranduil- see there I go bringing him into this again- and since I had Nonion to look after as well. I reassured her I would be alright. It was not as if she could never come around again. She could come over each day if she wanted. Eleme became convinced. She and I found her a nice little place not too far from here, we spent the next week preparing and packing everything, I hugged my baby girl tightly, and then she was off.

It was very difficult for some time after Eleme left. Though she didn't have all the time in the world to help with her siblings, Eleme's presence did help. I would have slipped a little if it wasn't for the two birthdays that made things easier. Menel's was the first one to come along. She and I stick close together in this house otherwise full of boys. As it turns out, she is particularly fascinated with the martial arts I have been somewhat trained in. I spend most afternoons teaching her what I do know. I haven't had the time to earn the next level's belt, but I have been keeping up with what I have been taught myself. The result of our little training sessions has turned Menel more into me now- in the sense that she looks like an easy target but is a rather feisty fighter.

The next birthday was Nonion's. Carey and I both adore this little boy we made together. Carey admitted he was glad Ithilas approached him though it seemed when he first did it such a strange thing to suggest. I laughed, and agreed. It's hard to ignore Nonion's absence when he goes to spend approximately half the week with his father. Though the winter weather is cold, Nonion loves being taken outside. He'll get so fussy when he's brought back in even if he's freezing. The only way I've found to distract him from his tantrum is to sit him down in front of the xylophone. He can bang away at that thing for hours.

There was one more birthday, but it wasn't the happy occasion the birthdays normally are. Rithranduil entered his adolescent years. I tried to have faith that everything would turn around. Now that he was a teenager and not an emotionally inexperienced child, Rithranduil surely had to be more reasonable? Right?

I knew it was a foolish hope to believe in that thought. I attempted talking to him again. I told him how much I loved him. I told him how much I was concerned. I wanted to understand and help him for I could see him hurting despite his best efforts at hiding it. I got no response from him for a long time. When I went ahead and asked again what I had done wrong, Rithranduil finally gave me some small glimpse at the problem. I hadn't done anything wrong, at least not intentionally. However, I was never going to be able to understand  how much he couldn't deal with what I had indeed done.

I did what I could to get more out of him, but I was meet with another wall of silence. After that day, Rithranduil went back to demeaning me every time I went to speak with him. His behavior escalated. He got into more trouble at school. He ditched his old friends to become "friends" with the school baddies. There was not one week that passed where he didn't get sent to detention. There was one instance where he broke curfew to pull a prank on Ithilas and Jade's porch. He could have set their whole house on fire with the stupid thing he had done. Ithilas didn't call the police on account of Rithranduil being his brother, but some part of me wishes he had. I just had no idea what to do anymore.

The only positive thing is that Rithranduil leaves the rest of us alone now. He doesn't pull anymore pranks in the house. No, he has started doing them at school and on other properties where he can get into big trouble. He ignores us completely unless we try to talk to him. I'm really the lone one who still bothers. Tinaldor and Menel resent Rithranduil, which breaks my heart. Rithranduil and Tinaldor especially used to be such a pair. Now Tinaldor and Menel stick close by the other to fend off the silent hatred from their brother. The two spent one nasty snowy Saturday playing video games the whole time. They goofed off, told jokes, and were overall absolutely silly. It was after dinner closer towards their bedtime when I found them asleep on top of each other on the couch.

I thought I was handling everything fairly well, but it was the next day when the stress really hit me even though there was no real trigger for it. I merely grew tired of dealing with it all calmly. I became so short-tempered with everyone and everything. Tinaldor and Menel were a bit surprised, a bit hurt, and learned it was better to stay out of my way. Honestly, I was surprised I hadn't had more days like that Sunday. I suppose with all that I've been though my tolerance for stress and heavy emotions had grown pretty high. Things got to the point though where I couldn't even stand being around Nonion. Tinaldor and Menel entertained and played with him so I could go outside. My original intention was to take a good, long walk. However, I then randomly decided to toss myself into the snow in the backyard to make a snow angel.

I'm still young for an elf. I really won't stop being called young until I reach about 2,000 or so. Many at home continue to consider me a child. I shouldn't have known all these tragedies and heartbreaks yet. In fact, I should have never known them at all. What should have been the most cheerful and peaceful time of my life was taken away from me before I even got to experience it. It's not as if all these memories and feeling will go away when I return home. I'll be burdened with all the worst that has happened for my immortal life. As I laid there in the snow, I felt a way I had not felt in a very long time.

I felt bitter.

I wanted at that moment to get up and walk without looking back until I reached home. I wanted everything that had happened to never have happened- not even the good things. I wished I had never been given the task. I wished I had accepted ada's offer to take me home no matter what the consequences would have been. I cursed the Goddess as well as her desire to save the humans. I had hoped doing something childlike such as making the snow angel would free some of the heavy feelings from my heart, but all it did was turn me back into that bitter person I never wanted to be again. I stood up to take my walk. I returned home with my emotions horribly numb, but numb is better than bitter I suppose.

My wallowing pity-party went away for the most part when Tam was born. Ithilas and Jade's son sure is a cutie. I got a good laugh when I saw the nursery that was very feminine is design and decor. The two had been told they were going to have a daughter, and thus were quite surprised when they got Tam instead. They weren't too annoyed though. With Ithilas being half-elvish and Jade being from an out-there Eco-friendly family, they weren't stressed about making sure their son was raised in strict stereotypical rules. There was no reason to change the nursery simply because Tam was a boy. Ithilas and Jade thought it would help to round their son out as a person, and I agreed.

Do note that I said the negative feelings mostly went away though. The numbness and something of the bitterness remained within my chest. I hated both being there. I tried desperately to shake them away, but they clung onto me with a passion unlike any I have known. I couldn't distract myself from them nor force them away through some other method. Once more, I had no idea what to do. However, I did discover the feelings were at their worst when tending to Nonion prevented me from doing what I wanted to do. My children are my life, but it slowly dawned on me that I needed more freedom.- at least from my toddler and at least for a little while.

I wanted to go ice skating, and I was willing to bring Tinaldor and Menel along. Unfortunately, my plans looked like they were going to fall apart. Carey had to work as did Eleme, Moshe, and Ty. Buddy was too exhausted from his night hours, and Ithilas and Jade were busy enough with their newborn son. In a last attempt to save the outing, I began searching through the phonebook for babysitting services. That's when Rithranduil came up to me and asked why I was trying so hard to find someone else to babysit. I was stunned he was not only talking to me of his own accord, but without any malice either. I had taken the chance to invite him to come along on the rare chance he would accept, but Rithranduil had refused. This meant I knew he was staying home though. Didn't I trust him to babysit?

I wanted to be blunt. Rithranduil had shunned everyone in this household for so long now. He has made it quite clear he doesn't care about us. He frightened Tinaldor and Menel terribly when they were toddlers. I never knew what bad thing he would do next. How on earth could I trust him to watch Nonion? I bit my tongue from saying all that. Rithranduil was genuinely offering me help. Perhaps he was opening up to me again. It could be that he wanted to make amends for his actions. I put aside my reservations to give him this opportunity to prove himself. Tinaldor, Menel, and I got ready, and I checked on Rithranduil and Nonion before we left. Rithranduil looked bored out of his mind, but he was watching his brother properly.

There are two ponds in Twinbrook, and it is rather disappointing that they are both pretty small. I took Tinaldor and Menel to the larger one farther away from the house. It was quiet with no one else around. I cannot describe how wonderful it felt to speed around doing something I loved for once instead of having to stand on the side watching everyone else have fun without me. Tinaldor and Menel refused my help. They wanted to learn how to skate on their own. They stuck by each other as always. The two slipped and fell a few times, but they got decently better after an hour passed. Tinaldor and Menel laughed their heads off at their clumsiness. I smiled and laughed too.

That time was what I needed. The bitterness vanished, and my chest lightened. I would say everything became fine again, but in the back of my mind a little annoying whisper buzzed to that I couldn't fight back my feelings forever......