Struggling

I heard back from Rithranduil after several weeks of fretful waiting and being left in the dark. I was nervous when the phone call came, but I was mostly relieved when it was over. Kenya was alright with letting me keep their child since she knew me somewhat, and because I was the child's grandmother. What didn't leave me relieved was that Rithranduil hung up right after he gave me the anticipated due date. He didn't call again, and he wouldn't answer any of my calls. He always hides or sneaks out when I go over to Buddy's house. Like always, I felt hurt.

I ignored the hurt though when Menel's birthday came. It has been interesting and addicting in a way to watch her grow and change, for now she looks much more like herself than her father. Menel has truly come into her own. She was sad before since she wasn't able to do that much to help when everything seemed to be falling apart, so now she takes tasks and chores on readily. She makes sure our large yard is kept up with, there is always something to eat thanks to her, I have constant assistance when taking care of Elrandra and Emethien, and she even helps me do the paperwork for the bills.

I didn't realize that Elrandra and Emethien's birthday was going to arrive so quickly. Both girls have Bootes' eyes, but Elrandra has black hair that seems to have come from nowhere while Emethien has the purple shade that is her father's. I quickly learned how nimble and coordinated both twins are. Even before they were walking they were able to climb all over each other with ease in ways that astounded me. I've never seen anything like it before. It is nearly impossible to keep them up on the third floor since they can get over with little effort the gate I've put up. Though, I don't need to worry so much about them hurting themselves on the stairs for they're already so steady that stairs are no problem for them.

While it's Menel who does most of the overall tasks the household needs done, as well as many of the traditionally male dominated ones, it's Tinaldor who is up in the nursery with me most of the time. He devotes all his free hours to helping me with Elrandra and Emethien. He even asked if he should sign up for home schooling so he could do more here. I told him he didn't have to. I knew that Tinaldor loves attending public school. There was no reason for him to stop going. What he does after classes and on weekends is more than enough for me. My emotions might still be one big mess, but I'm trying to keep them in check as best I can.

I was just about to head to bed one night when the doorbell rang. I was confused at who would be there at such an hour, but sense hit me as soon as I opened the door. Kenya stood there holding an infant carrier with a tiny baby girl inside. I offered to Kenya to come inside, but she said her parents were waiting in the car for her. She only wanted to get the whole thing over with. Little Nora had been born that morning, and the rest of the day had been dealt doing everything so that she would legally be my charge. Kenya wanted sleep. I was handed Nora, who had fair hair like mine. Kenya didn't say anything else. She merely stared at her daughter for a second before turning on her heel and leaving.

I didn't move myself for a while. It took a few minutes for reality to sink in that I was holding my newborn granddaughter, and it was reality that I would be raising her. Nora was absolutely precious in her sleepy state. My heart felt warm and cheerful in a way it had not felt for a good long while. However, worry resided within me as well. I had no idea what I had done wrong to Rithranduil. I had failed him so miserably. What was to stop me from doing the same thing to his daughter?

I peeked into the nursery to see where I might set up a crib, but it was rapidly clear there was not space for more than two. I also didn't want to wake up Elrandra and Emethien with the noise. I instead put one of the spare cribs in my bedroom where there was a perfect space for it right under the front window. Nora truly was very tired. She went immediately to sleep without fuss as soon as I laid her into the crib. I stood still again, and watched her sleep. To be honest, I had always slightly doubted that Rithranduil was the father of Kenya's child. I really didn't know her too well, and still don't know her too well. From what I heard about her though it wouldn't be far-fetched to think she wasn't the faithful type. There's no doubting that Nora is my son's though- what with that hair and fair skin that has so often overpowered darker traits like Kenya's in the past.

I was worried about Tinaldor overworking himself since he barely got any sleep helping me with his sisters and niece, and so I made him take more time off. My assumption was that he would use the time to nap or hang out with friends, but he and Nonion have taken to using the chessboard constantly. Both are great at the game, and love the challenge the other provides. Tinaldor will then come back upstairs to help me feeling recharged as if he had taken a nap. Nonion has a good mood after they finish playing as well.

It was the start of summer, and I was not going to miss out on its warmer weather and fun opportunities as I had before. That I let is slip by without notice previously still rubs me the wrong way. I went out to the store at the first opportunity I had to buy some sparkles for us older ones to enjoy together. We waited until after dinner when Elrandra, Emethien, and Nora were down for a nap to head outside. The light from the sun was strong even though it was actually rather late in hour, but the sparkles provided a marvelous show nonetheless. We all thought it was a wonderful way to begin the season.

I took the chance to call Rithranduil on his birthday. I guess he was in a good mood or felt sympathetic, because he actually picked up. I let him know I hoped he was having a good birthday, but I didn't get much out of him. He then asked me how Nora was doing. I told him as much as I could, and then some. Even though I couldn't see his face, I could sense Rithranduil's expressions and general mood. I knew as soon as I ran out of things to tell him about his daughter the conversation was over. It was exactly what happened. Once I changed the topic to something else, Rithranduil hung up.

I wished Nora's own birthday could have come a bit sooner. Then I would have been able to talk to Rithranduil longer. I did my best to move past the disappointment to focus on the piece of Rithranduil I did have with me.

Nora has a bit of sass to her. She reminds me of Arnin in that manner. She's much sweeter though, and really only becomes more high-strung when Elrandra and Emethien are annoying her too much with all their acrobatic antics.

After a while, I needed another momentary change of pace. I could think of nothing better than having Eleme over for dinner. Though she was slightly disappointed she had to momentarily stop working due to her pregnancy with her boyfriend, I knew I was happy since I would get to see her more often. My mood brightened up after getting to spend that night with her. It helped to reassure me I did the right thing allowing her to leave the house when I did. It was really right after I did when all the best things that could have happened, happened. Her work went better than ever, she found a lovely boyfriend, and she became happier than I had seen her in a long time. I do wish Eleme had waited until she was married before she became pregnant, but I have a feeling with the way her relationship is heading a wedding won't be too far away.

I believe the one who got the most enjoyment out of the summer weather was Nonion. If he wasn't at the house, then he was at the pool. He enjoyed the atmosphere more than swimming. It was a good thing he didn't appear to burn easily or else all that time he spent in the sun would have caused him some trouble. At one point he asked if we could have a pool built in our backyard. I said no. I liked the room and lots of grass to move about in, and mostly I didn't want to waste unnecessary money.

Elrandra and Emethien's birthday followed Nonion's first request to have a pool. He would go on to ask a few more times, but naturally he kept getting the same response.

I was glad my twin girls looked a lot alike, but also had their drastically distinguishable differences. It makes it easier on me. Even if they did look more alike, I believe it would still be rather easy to tell one from the other. They have their own particular interests, and very identifiable personalities. They might clash with one another occasionally, but most of the time they get along fabulously. The two of them really are quite the duo.

You would think I would be feeling happier with all the changes that have occurred in the household. Rithranduil isn't around to cause problems. I have three teenagers all eager to help me take care of their well behaved elementary aged siblings and their docile toddler niece. I have lots of free time, and I don't have to work nearly as hard as I did before. It really would seem logical then that the negative feelings I had would go away. However, the opposite is the real truth. I've been feeling worse than ever. I've been falling deeper and deeper into a bit of negativity, and I don't know why. Not knowing only frustrates me more. Little things that I would normally shrug off, like another wild animal yet again breaking through my fence to eat my plants, wear me down faster than they should.

I kept trying as always to work past the depression. I went to the festival at the park to try and find some enjoyment, but I couldn't even do that. In fact, I was barely able to enter the park before an intoxicated man named Mr. Roy Jensen decided I was the only one worthy of his company. He disgusted me. It was only noon, and he could barely stand. I kept telling him to leave me alone. There were a few times I had to actually push him away. Clearly, Mr. Jensen didn't get the message as he continued to come back time after time. No one else in the park was paying attention to my dilemma, so there was no help coming my way. Mr. Jensen followed me as I left the park to return home. It was a rare instance in which I wished I knew how to drive.

So infuriated, frustrated, and lost for patience, I decided I might as well take advantage of my opportunity despite how it made me feel that much more awful. I let Mr. Jensen accompany me home so I could sleep with him. I detested every moment of our time together with a fiery kind of hatred. Not only did Roy's intoxicated position make him a bad lover, but I felt guilty of taking advantage of his condition. Then there was the knowing thought that I would become pregnant again which made my skin crawl. I haven't felt such a strong resistance to the task since the very beginning when it all started. It all gets worse when I realize over and over again I have to keep doing these things that make me feel all dark. I forgot how truly forced I am by the Goddess's will.

Then there was Sind's death.

Griselda's was hard enough to cope with, but Sind's brought back the truly dark feelings from long ago. I couldn't even pretend I was happy for a while. I kept to my room when I could, because it took all my extra strength, of which I had little, to fight back the depression that was going to make me slip again.

Needless to say, I was not a happy participant during Tinaldor's birthday. He and everyone else thought I was still fighting with the pain of Sind's death, but on that particular day it was the fact that my most solid support was moving out. I lacked the strength to ask him to say, and I was also afraid I wouldn't be able to let him leave as I had done with Eleme. Tinaldor had to have every opportunity right from the beginning. It was his dream to make his way high up into the political world. Having spent so much time with me, Tinaldor naturally could see how much I was struggling despite him not knowing all the causes. He promised me again and again that everything would be alright, but he did indeed leave me before the sun had set.

I was left in that awful state of mine. Unfortunately, all my piled up stress and heartbreak required an outlet, which meant my emotions were beginning to be taken out on my children. I fought constantly to keep myself in check, but I can't do anything properly anymore. Even simple chores have become major tasks. I knew I could rely on my children to assist me around the house, and they would do their work fine most of the time. However, one tiny complaint, or a chore delayed or done wrong caused me to go off at them much, much harsher than usual. I'm making it so they have to be perfect or I'll come down hard. Changing so much, becoming like naneth, only messed my emotions up more. Thus, I became harsher to blow off more steam. The whole thing turned into a vicious cycle.

I hadn't been able to sleep that night I met Rithranduil on the sidewalk. Well, my nights of sleeplessness haven't stopped ever since then. Like I said, even simple chores have become difficult for me. It takes twice as long just to do anything because everything has become a struggle. The reluctance to do anything that isn't of my greatest desire clings to me as powerfully as the coldness once did. I now go to bed much later than everyone else. It's a miracle if I can even get into bed before midnight comes around. If I want to work in my garden at all I then have to commit to staying up till around 3 in the morning, but that leaves me with only two hours of sleep since I have to get up at five if I want a chance at getting any sleep at all.

I believe I blanked out when my pregnancy began to show. One day I could barely feel the difference, and the next day my stomach was so large I could hardly walk properly. I had simply kept doing what I had been doing, and what felt like a drastic jump was the result. In truth, I was glad it all seemed to go by so quickly. It momentarily stopped my ever growing resentment of the task. I just sighed and accepted it. I kept repeating a sort of mantra over in my head. This was one more child that would get me closer to home. This was one more child I knew I would love as greatly as I loved the rest of my children. Saying those words were necessary beyond belief. Otherwise, the opposite negative thoughts would creep in. This was one more child that was going to die. This was one more child that was going to break my heart. This was one more child who was going to burden the rest of my unending life with the horrible pain of his or her loss.

Nonion, along with the rest of the children now, continued to take full advantage of their summer. The days grew warmer, and the humidity kept rising. The heavy moisture in the air made me more uncomfortable than I already felt what with me being heavily pregnant, so I had no choice but to remain inside in the air conditioning. Menel and Nonion took care to make sure everyone else got their fair share of vitamin D. Nora only likes going outside if she gets to go on the seesaw. She and Nonion will sit on one side, and Elrandra and Emethien will take the other seat. They would sometimes go up and down and up and down for what felt like hours. Elrandra, Emethien, and Nora would all become exhausted though and instantly quiet down as they took naps. Nonion, however, never seemed to tire from the activity. He would chuckle at their tiredness, help them all get ready for their nap, and then go do something else.

I had a silent panic attack when Nora's birthday came again. Kenya had just handed her as a newborn into my arms. How could that baby girl be a child already? I knew time was going by fast, but how could it possibly be going this fast? I fretted for weeks. I walked on egg shells as I carefully thought through every action I did and each word I spoke. I could not to do Nora what I had done to my son- despite me still having not one single clue as to what exactly I had done. Either my actions were very much necessary or they were absolutely pointless, for nothing happened. Nora didn't change at all. She remained the beautiful girl who had her mother's eyes, was as happy and charming as ever. 

I become more depressed though when Rithranduil and Kenya still wanted very little to do with her. Nora would occasionally spend an hour or two with each of them, but when she came home she sounded like Eleme. Rithranduil and Kenya made sure her physical needs were met, but they were never that interested in truly spending time with her. I expected the behavior from Kenya, but Rithranduil confused me. He had wanted her to be born. You would think then that he would care about her, but it looks so far like he doesn't.

I was gifted with another baby girl, which meant Ris' birth evened out the total again. The boys were really pressing their number ahead before, but the girls have caught up to make it a solid 37 against 37. That's a total of 74 children, or at least the children I have borne for the task. The total would otherwise be 80 if I counted in Anondil, Ninnor, Rorion, Melui, Navinai, and even little Nora. I was both happy and scared when I realized once again that this task truly will end eventually. I have no idea what will happen then or what I will be left with- if I am left anything at all out of this. I merely hoped that for the moment I could find a way to break past the block of bitterness, darkness, and unwillingness plaguing me. There was no way I would make it to the end with my current attitude. I'd break first.

Apparently, my adult children realized this as well. They had been meeting a lot and doing much planning, but all of it had been done behind my back. Ithilas and Tinaldor then came right in through the front door completely unannounced about a month after Ris' birth. Tinaldor had moved out when he entered the adult world, but all he had been able to do was look back because of how concerned he was. He knew he needed to do something to help, and when he revealed to Ithilas and Eleme how I had changed he understood how considerably more dire it became that something had to be done. The three of them had come up with the idea, and they, Melui, Cethiel, Arnin, Lomenia, Lithaldoren, Lueth, Navinai, and Calun had all pooled their spare money together to do that something for me.

Ithilas continued on before I could ask what the "something" was. He, Eleme, and Tinaldor were going to make sure everything was taken care of here at the house. All that was required of me was to not worry about worrying, and get a good night's sleep. My flight was leaving early in the morning. I was going on a vacation......