100

I don't know how I managed to function over the next several weeks. Mustering up the courage to call Mr. Finley back that one evening had been a nightmare. Blessedly, he had been understanding even though he rightfully remained displeased with my behavior. I promised him such a situation would never occur again- whenever the moment came for us to try once more did occur again. I began to think that that moment would never actually arrive. The truth is that I was barely keeping my head above the surface of the bottomless pool of depression in which I was currently treading. It was just when I was starting to get a grip after Ranna's death when more bad news came. Alcarien had passed away too. Then it felt like the next day Aewen was also gone. Delerith followed shortly after. It seemed to me as if time had decided to stand entirely still, but in reality it was moving so much faster than I wanted to admit. I started to hate answering the phone. I know the children hated to hear it ringing.

"Through Colour Blind Eyes" Chaos #4 (Final)

Yes, I know what you're thinking. I watched these two like a hawk when I saw them queuing up a woohoo with each other. I had a feeling it would happen sometime. However, I was shocked by what happened. Sunny and Lilly got onto the bed, but as soon as they laid down the woohoo interaction disappeared. They simply laid there next to each other not doing anything until they went their separate ways. The interesting thing is- this happened again. The two would start the woohoo interaction, but they never went through with it.

"Through Colour Blind Eyes" Chaos #3

There's a cat-fight in the upstairs bathroom! Lime has finally begun to cause some drama. Who knows what Ruby did that set her off, but I doubt the actual reason matters little. The only thing that did seem to matter to the two was who could yell the loudest.

Desperation

It was strange having Eloril back after having him gone for a while. I hadn't realized when I sent my family away just how much I would miss them- even though I continued to believe my choice had been the best one. To have my brother back was incredibly comforting. Eloril's presence gave me the boost I so desperately needed in order to be able to go back to being on my own until his next visit. I was glad nana had been persistent about him still coming around. I had come to think that I knew pretty much all the answers and paths a situations could have, but in this case I was shown that there was still some thing about which nana knew best.

The one downer about Eloril's trip happened when we took a walk alongside the river. He had suggested we go closer to the water. I believed he merely wanted to enjoy the sounds of the quiet current, but the truth was that Eloril wanted to talk to me in an area more secluded. It was then that Eloril revealed to me how ada continued to be highly upset with me over me having banned him from visiting. Apparently, he had made a stance of not writing letters to me and not opening the letters I sent him in an attempt to persuade me to change my mind. As much as his decision hurt me, I knew they were because I had hurt him. However, I was adamant about not revoking my decision. I let Eloril know that. He had already figured that would be the case, and so he told me not to worry. He, nana, and I all understood it was impossible for ada to stay mad at me for long. We reasoned he wouldn't last a month before the guilt of ignoring his little Calenmir got to him and he was the one changing his mind.

Planning

I'm sure ada thought he was helping me to feel better. I had let him know when he came visiting again that I was pregnant. That had led way to him bringing up that it might be wise to discuss basic plans about me returning home. Ada came into my room while I was taking a break from writing to have that discussion with me. Technically, I would still not be home for a long while since I would never dare to leave before that moment when my last child had passed on, but he was still bringing up all sorts of things. He thought it would be best if nana and Abrien came home a little before me. That way they could get them set up before they had to stress about preparing for my homecoming. Ada understood I would rather not have any big sort of celebration. However, there at least had to be one night of feasting. That I would have completed an order from the Goddess would be no small thing. Then he backtracked to suggest ideas of how all the items I wanted to bring me with could be transported back. I had left with almost nothing. I was returning with roomfuls of stuff. Ada hadn't been too pleased when I had first mentioned all of the mementos I wanted to keep. I was stubborn though. Knowing I was going to eternally suffer the pain of losing over one hundred children, retaining some of the treasures they cherished was the minimum that should be allowed me.

I let ada ramble on as he continued with his suggestions. I was hardly paying attention for I didn't like making such plans. To think about that particular future wasn't desirable. All he was doing was slamming the harsh reality of what I faced at me over and over again. He spoke so excitedly. I understood ada was looking forward to finally having me home, but it seemed he had forgotten that all of what he mentioned would be taking place when my heart would be the most shattered it would ever be. How could thoughts of a rich feast and night of festivity excite me when I'm sure the last thing I would want to be doing is cheering on the fact that all my children were dead?

Busy

The period of where I didn't want to get up to do anything lasted about a week. I had to thank nana in a away for forcing me to think about how little time Maldor had left. The constant thoughts had prompted me to call him as much as I could before the inevitable happened. That inevitable was bad enough, but what really brought me down was how quickly Naldir had followed. I hadn't even been aware that he had been sick. Apparently, his wife and children hadn't wanted to worry me. None of them expected his illness to take his life so suddenly. But it had. I had lost two sons within a span of several days, and there was little anyone could do to cheer me up. It wasn't as if cheering me up was possible anyway. I wondered if I had ever been truly cheerful since Elrunamir's passing. I might have thought I was happy, but there was that pain always underneath. It was endless and deep, and it only grew more so with each day that sped by. The number of children left to grant me temporary joy was rapidly dwindling while the number of deaths that caused my heartache mounted ever higher.

"Through Colour Blind Eyes" Chaos #2

This spot in this room just seems to be the place to have a pillow fight. Lilly and Mulberry were camped out here for hours just having a fluffy go at it. Mulberry generally got the upper hand on his sister.