A Mother's Guilt

Urelia

It is one of my most fondest memories. It is one I hate the most. It shows me how much I had, but also how much I have lost. If things had never been so wonderful, then all the horrible things that happened wouldn't have hurt as much. I would have never done what I regret the most if I hadn't had those terrible memories to haunt me. However, the reality is that those terrible memories will plague my eternal life. The worse reality is that I will always have to remember the cruel things I have achieved with my own hands for eternity as well. I suppose I should pause and take a step back before I get too far ahead of myself though.

That memory. That day. It was such an ordinary one. There was absolutely nothing unusual that happened. My mother, Rynania, and I went out to our favorite spot- a small, clear field in the middle of a grove of trees. It was our special place. We went there each and every day without fail. In those times, there was not a lot of urgency about anything. There had never been war. There had never been betrayal. The humans were still a young people, and we got along with them peacefully. I had no interaction with them until they did shift into the murders they would become. Yes, the many years leading up till that point were days filled with calm serenity. Nana and I could spend hours at that field in the grove never having to worry about being anywhere or doing anything.

My nana truly was the sweetest, most docile person on the planet. It was a good thing all of us had such excellent hearing, for it often felt as if we had to strain to hear what she said. I cannot remember a single time where she ever grew angry. She loved our peaceful life, and was determined to keep it that way. She was the kind of person who would do whatever she could to make those she loved happy even if her actions weren't preferable or appealing to her. I was spoiled by her because of it, but I never became arrogant because she set such a strong example for me of the kind of person I wanted to be. She did everything she could to make me smile, and I did all I could to please her in return.

That day she had spent a lot of time doing my hair. I usually let it hang over my shoulders, but nana had been showing me different ways to braid. She eventually offered her own beautiful locks for me to practice on. I hadn't wanted to touch them for I was scared to make a mess of things if I failed, but she encouraged me to keep trying. It felt like I stood there for an hour before I even got the hang of it. Nana was so incredibly patient though. She kept the talking flowing between us so smoothly that we both lost track of time. Then I said something out of blue that changed the topic unexpectedly. The conversation I so innocently started became half the reason for my terrible actions later on.

     "I can't wait till I get married!" I had said. Nana didn't say anything for few seconds. We had been talking about horses, and how I would get to start taking lessons soon. The rapid subject change must have confused her.

     "Oh?" she had said curiously, "Why is that?"

    "Because then I can have a daughter, and she can come out here with us. We can all braid our hair together!"

     "But what if you have a son?" she had asked me in a teasing manner.

     "Well, I know most everyone only has one child, but I can have two. Can't I?"

     "You can if that's indeed what you want. But what if you have another son?"

     "I'll keep having children until I get a daughter then. Even if I have to have a hundred children, I want a daughter more than anything!"

     "A hundred children?" my nana laughed her gentle laugh, "That's quite a lot. What if your husband doesn't want that many?"

     "My husband will want a lot of children. I can just feel it."

     Nana laughed again. I think she might have shook her head at me, but I had also just tugged on her hair a bit too hard as well. It was quiet between us for a moment before she continued.

     "Have you though about what you'll name this daughter that you want so badly?" she had asked sweetly.

     "I'm going to name her after you."

     "After me?"

     She sounded rather surprised.

     "Uh-huh. Then her daughter can be named after me, and then her daughter can be named after her so that our names go on forever."

     "But eventually it will get to a point where all the variations on our names will run out." nana reminded me.

     "I suppose we can add in another name at some point," I had shrugged, "I just love your name a lot. I just love you a lot. I love coming here, and I think my daughter would love coming here with us as well. Me, you, and her spending time here together is all I need to be happy."

     "You're such a dear." nana responded to that. She had sounded as if she was about to cry, but I was not surprised. It never took much to make her overjoyed. There was something wrong if she went a whole day without shedding a tear.

     "I know." I had giggled, which granted me one more little laugh from her.

I eventually grew bored of braiding, and nana fixed her hair to how she normally had it before she decided it was time to leave. I pretended to be tired so she would carry me. We both knew I wasn't tired in the slightest, but nana humored me. I like to think she wanted to carry me as much as I wanted to be carried. There was something about the gentle way she held me that made me addicted to her touch. I truly did love her so greatly. Having experienced the warmth of her love for so long, I couldn't stand to be apart from it.

Nana and I barely got anywhere when my ada, Andethil, showed up. We had spent a bit too much time in our field, and he had come to collect us. I rushed over to show him my braid, but he always loved to tease me. He ignored me completely. Instead, he wrapped his arms around nana. He began to kiss her- starting at her cheek and slowly working his way closer to her mouth. She rolled her eyes at him. Ada was unusual in that he was never ashamed of showing his affection for her in public. I knew nana acted like it drove her crazy as some others thought them inappropriate, but I also knew that she secretly enjoyed ada's open displays of love. I wasn't enjoying his actions then though as I wasn't really in the mood for his teasing. I pulled on his wrist to get his attention. He continued to kiss nana.

With a huff, I had begun to walk away. I made it three steps before I was suddenly swung into the air and up onto ada's shoulders. My irritation melted away instantly, and I began laughing. That little moment was an example of how it had always been with us. Ada would tease me to the point just before I became truly angry, and then suddenly became so loving that I forgave him immediately. He commented how lovely my hair was as he began walking forward with me being in that ridiculous position. I thanked him, and we started our own conversation as we continued to walk out of the field. Nana followed behind us quietly. She never approved when ada carried me in such a manner. She was afraid he would drop me. I, however, was never afraid. I knew ada wouldn't drop me. I trusted him completely.

The three of us walking out of the grove is where the happiness ends and the nightmare begins. One moment, my parents are alive and smiling. The next, they're dead on the ground- the swords having just been pulled from their chests. We thought we had momentarily escaped the rampage of bloodlust the humans were on. The centuries had passed, and the younger race had become the coldblooded murders they would continue to be for hundreds of years more. They had stopped trying to have any relationship with our people. We had what they wanted, and they were willing to kill us all to get it. The humans almost succeeded as well. Our number of approximately one million had been brought down to the horrifyingly low count of ten thousand by the time ada and nana were killed. The three of us had managed to make it to the most fortified elven refuge, Brona Calad. We were there two days before the humans pratically burned it to the ground.

Ada had fallen first. Half of the refuge was on fire. He was not a fighter by any means, but he had been able to get us so close to a path we could have used to escape. Then we had been cornered in a small alley. Ada lasted only seconds against the four humans pursuing us. My gentle nana lunged forth with a knife, but she dropped to the ground faster than ada had. The men towered over me. I was trying so desperately not to throw up or pass out. I shook furiously as I listened to the humans discuss my fate. They were under orders to kill any elf they came across- even if it was a tiny infant. However, these men wanted to have some fun first before they shed more blood. They were going to force themselves on me. One suggested they do it on my parent's bodies as the stone road was too hard.

Those disgusting words only just left his mouth before his cruel laugh became a gurgle as blood filled his throat. The sword wielded by one of the few elf warriors quickly disposed of the other three. My rescuer, the one who I would go on to marry, pulled me to my feet. He refused to let me stay with the corpses of my ada and nana as I had wanted. He would not let their sacrifice be in vain. Elrundir got me out of the refuge and to safety before he went back to save other lives. Out of the one and a half thousand in the refuge, only one hundred lived to see the following sunrise. That incident came to be known as the Agarross o Brona Calad, the Massacre of Last Light. When the red sun did finally rise, I realized I knew no one else in the world besides Elrundir. Everyone else I had ever talked to, even the little boy whose shoes I had helped to lace the previous morning, had been slaughtered.

I thought that day that I would never make it another week, let alone the thousands of years I have lived up until this point. I was certain I would fade from heartbreak. I know I would have if Elrundir had not been there. He had known from the very moment he saved me that we were meant to be together, but it took me some time to be convinced. I never knew if he would come back from the fights. I didn't dare open my heart only to lose him too. Centuries went by, and the humans bloodlust steadily vanished as the elves' last desperate attempt at saving our kind, the massive wall we constructed, was completed. With the humans content to leave us alone, we could all begin healing. Elrundir and I married, but it was a very long time before we conceived a child. That was due to me. Once so desirous of a daughter, I dreaded having one. The dream I wanted more than anything else had become impossible to achieve. Nana was dead. Our grove had been chopped down, and our field had been ploughed by the human filth.

I did eventually become pregnant though. I was ecstatic when I gave birth to Eloril, and I was perfectly satisfied with my little family. If only Elrundir had felt that same satisfaction. I knew I had no choice but to have another child. Elrundir was so desperate, and I had felt the urgings of the Goddess as well. If I hadn't refused to conceive willingly, she would have ordered me to conceive anyway. So I gave birth to the child I did not want. I never blamed you, Ellothiel, for being born. I never hated you for that. I hated you for what you reminded me of. I realized from the moment I looked in your eyes that you were exactly like her. You were exactly like my nana. Each time I glanced in your direction, I saw that sword pierce her heart. Every time you smiled I saw her eyes roll back as she collapsed to the ground. With every laugh of yours, you made me relive the most horrible day of my life. I burst out into tears whenever we were alone. I tried so hard to make happy memories with you. I thought if I could make some, then maybe the painful ones would fall away.

But...they didn't. Despite all my efforts, the horrors of my past continued to terrorize me. I truly did what I could to be the mother you deserved, but inside I was drowning. I know now that I should have started screaming for help then. If I had explained why seeing you and being with you caused me such distress, the others would have understood. All of us who had survived the nightmare that had been the fighting had dealt with the terrors of such experiences. I could have received guidance to assist me through my troubles. However, I kept my silence. Back then, it felt like I would lose everything if I told Elrundir the truth. He loved you so dearly. You were his Calenmir- his "green jewel." How could I look him in the eye and tell him I couldn't stand the sight of you? How could I reveal how strongly I had wished for your death when you had been born?

Though you grew older, I still cried whenever it was only the two of us. The weight of my memories grew more burdensome as the years went by. You were used to my crying, but you began to understand that it meant something was wrong. You would always rush over to hold me as you had no idea it was you causing my heartbreak. Even though I treated you coldly sometimes, you loved me with all of your little heart. I know that your amazing capacity to love is why you were chosen for the order. You have the ability to give your children the presence of the most dearest kind of mother I wish so greatly I could have been for you. A woman doing the task solely out of duty and obligation would have provided an empty-hearted home devoid of the warmth her children would have needed. A woman with a lesser capacity to love never would have made it to the end. She would have flourished at first, but would have then been overwhelmed by the pain and struggles such an order carries. But you, Ellothiel, your love gives you the strength to fight. You keep loving, caring, and pushing forward even if little other than sadness and grief awaits you at the end.

I envy you. Nana used to be my ideal, but now it's you I want to be. You have not only succeeded in every way that I have failed, but you have risen far above whatever I can hope to achieve. I look back on the memories I have made with you, and I am ashamed. I see the amazing lives you have given to your children, and want to collapse at the thought of how horrible I must have made yours. My mind always wanders back to one day. The day where you started calling me naneth instead of nana.

I had been in a horrible mood to begin with. I can't remember the issue that had been troubling Elrundir and me. It had seemed so burdensome at the time, but it must have been insignificant if I can't even recall what it was. You must have thought you would be cheering me up when you invited me to spend some time outside with you. Elrundir had thought it was a great idea, so I hadn't been able to decline your offer even though it was the last thing I had wanted to do. Soon you were leading me out to your favorite clearing. We had been alone at first, but that clearing was frequently visited by others. It wasn't too long before another mother and daughter appeared. I had made no attempt to appear as if I was enjoying myself. Being there with you in that clearing, which was so reminiscent of the field in the grove, was bringing up the dark memories and unfulfillable wishes with more intensity than ever. You spent so much time trying to make me smile. You kept prompting me to look up in the sky at the rainbow that had appeared due to the recent rain. I only sat on the ground doing everything I could to not stand up and run away.

 

The look on my face must have been horrible. The tone I spoke to you in must have been so cold. I know you begun to realize that there was more to my downcast attitude than me simply being worried about the issue Elrundir and I had been dealing with. You might have begun to suspect that it was your presence causing my behavior. It had been around that time that I had started breaking down from all the stress. I had been stricter and harsher on you as I had begun pulling away. It had been getting harder and harder to hide my contempt. Things couldn't have been easy for you. Having that other mother and daughter there didn't make the situation any better either. They were conversing so merrily and cheerfully that they never noticed in the slightest how strained the atmosphere was between you and I. I briefly glanced up once when you stopped attempting conversation. The look on your face breaks my heart now when I think about it, and I couldn't stand it back then either. I wonder if you were desperately trying to block out the happy conversation going on behind you because it showed you what you didn't have, or if you were latching eagerly onto every word wishing you were that other little girl.

You made one last attempt at starting a conversation, but I still wouldn't answer. After another moment of silence, you asked me what I wanted to do. I curtly responded that I wanted to go to my room so that I could be alone. You failed miserably at hiding the hurt in your voice as you told me that was fine. Even still, you offered your hand to me to help me stand. I didn't take it. I stood up on my own- forcing you to follow behind me in your gloom as we returned home.

I became "naneth" the next time we saw each other. Elrundir was horrified by the change, and constantly asked me for a while what had happened between us. I had made the excuse that you were simply growing up, and that you were too old to call me "nana" anymore.

But Elrundir and I both knew that was not how things worked. A "nana" does not become a "naneth" the same way a "mommy" or "mama" becomes a "mom" or "mother." Naneth means mother, but you do not call your mother it. You changing the way you addressed me was an obvious sign that something was very wrong. By calling me "naneth", you were addressing me as "the female person who gave birth to me." It was so cold. So distant. Elrundir was stubborn about finding out the reason, but he eventually gave up when I wouldn't budge. Everyone else around us either ignored or grew used to the startlingly formal relationship we took on from that day forward.

It had been several years after that when I started swatting your hands. I had only meant to do it that once. Having been unusually naughty, you had been purposefully reckless that day and destroyed one of the last of our relics that had survived the fighting. I never anticipated how relieving hurting you in such a way would feel. For the first time in sixty years, I felt as if I had broken the surface of the deep ocean I had been drowning in. So the swatting continued even when I began to drown deeper from the crushing guilt and hate towards myself that arose. I had expected that my actions wouldn't last long. You would surely alert Elrundir or Eloril to what I was doing to you. And yet, you never did. I had believed you were willing to do anything to make me like you. I thought that was why you never fought back.

And then you did begin to fight back. Now knowing the deep love a mother had for her children, you refused to be the subservient child you had once been when I threatened your precious daughter. I was proud of you. I had thought I had failed you as a teacher, but I had shown you how to be a strong, amazing woman by being the example of everything you shouldn't be.

I had never meant to go off at Ranna. For once it was not you bringing up the memories of my parents' slaughter, but it was me being across the wall for the first time in nearly five thousand years. I was so terrified that I retreated into that protective shell of the heartless woman I had become. I wished I hadn't changed into such a weak person. You even gave the opportunity to redo the day I had messed up horrifically. There you stood trying to make pleasant conversation, and I pushed you away once more. If only I had had the strength to express my true feelings. What I wanted to do more than anything was beg at your feet for forgiveness. What I wanted was to cry, and scream, and plead for you to give me a second chance. However, I couldn't do it. Our years of separation had allowed me the space needed for me to finally realize I deeply loved the incredible daughter I had been blessed with but didn't deserve. More than the memories of the night of the massacre, I was terrified that you would show me the hatred I had shown you. I was too pitiful to chance facing the rejection I had handed out myself.

So I kept hurting you instead.

Honestly, I was relieved as I was scared when the truth came out. To finally have it revealed meant I could start atoning for all that I had done wrong. Having Eloril tear into me like he did was a heartbreak well earned. I know I shouldn't have been granted any sort of forgiveness, but I was thankful that he had been at least willing to listen to my admittance of love for you. I don't think he believed me right away, but I wouldn't have believed myself right away either. There was too much against me to make it seem like my feelings were anything more than a pathetic attempt at quelling the punishment I faced through telling a lie. I had a feeling a lie was what Elrundir would think this all was when Eloril brought him the news. All he had seen me as was the gentle, loving mother I had done everything I could to portray myself as. To learn that I had kept how badly I had been hurting from him, to learn how I had been hurting his Calenmir- I was afraid the shock and weight of what I had done would pull us apart for good.

I feared our separation more and more as that night dragged on. The house became so quiet after all the yelling and harsh words had been dealt. I did not sleep at all. I tossed and turned fitfully until I could stand lying in bed no longer. I went downstairs to paint as it was the only thing that allowed my mind to find any sort of peace. I thought back to all of the art lessons I had given you. Those lessons had been the only moments where I can say I fully enjoyed being with you during your childhood. I know you enjoyed them too since there was always a large smile on your face while we worked. It was thinking about those times where we did get along that made me begin to gather a little bit of courage. As awful as I had been to you, we had had good moments as well. Perhaps you could recall them too despite what I had made you endure. I hoped just a tiny bit that you would give me another chance.

I hadn't been paying attention to the hours flying by. I hadn't noticed you coming downstairs. When I saw you, all the words of apology I had wanted to say flew out of my mind. I tried hard to bring them back, but you rightfully took away my chance. I was shocked but not surprised when you showed me the anger and hatred I deserved to be given. When I began to cry, I wasn't crying for myself. I was crying for what I had turned the sweet, tolerant, and loving you into. I had placed so much hurt into your heart that even you couldn't handle it.

I had been confused at why you had gone off at me so strongly though. I didn't realize the answer until Eloril and I arrived at the airport. You had been listening to me reveal the truth to Eloril, hadn't you? You had to hear it that way instead of giving me the chance to come clean to you myself, didn't you? I wished I could have had the opportunity to be honest, but fate had made it so you would hear some of what I felt through the worst means possible. I could tell by what you had screamed at me that you hadn't listened to the whole conversation. You hadn't heard me say that I had grown to love you, but I suppose that probably wouldn't have made a difference as, again, you most likely wouldn't have believed me after all that I had done. I couldn't fault you for that.

I barely paid attention when Eloril and were brought into that employee break area at the airport. I was too absorbed in my own thoughts. It was strange, but you attacking me had somehow given me the courage I needed. Realizing how close I was to losing you had shown me how little time I had left. I had to take advantage of every opportunity I could get. If Elrundir wanted to separate from me, fine. If everyone at home turned against me, fine. If I truly did have to beg and weep at your feet, then I would do it. If you felt as if you had to hit me for every swat I had given your hands, I would take each hit gladly. I would endure anything if it meant I could at least get your consideration towards giving me one last chance.

You will probably tear up my letters, but I will keep writing to you. I will do everything I can while we remain apart to hopefully convince you even a little that I care. Then when you return home, I will try harder still to prove my love for you. Truly- no matter what it takes, no matter how long it takes- I will let you know when you return home that I love you even if you still want nothing to do with me.

Yes.

When you return home......