Monday, June 16, 2014

Envy


It was slightly awkward between nana and I for a few days. I still wasn't exactly sure how she truly felt about having another child, so I didn't know how to talk to her about it. Things changed when I was able to confirm that I definitely was pregnant as well. I didn't know why, but I somehow got the courage from that to ask questions. Nana often repeated what she had first said. She was rather pleased by the turn of events and now wouldn't change a thing. It was her wish that ada would let her and the child stay with me sometimes. I think nana continued to feel guilty over what she had done to me despite me giving her forgiveness because she kept subtly mentioning how she thought us raising our children together would help us to grow closer. Whether she remained upset with herself or not, the two of us were definitely growing closer because of our similar state. Nana and I talked more than ever. We discussed subjects we never would have brought up before. I was surprised when she was even willing to talk about being with men. It was my experiences and my feelings we mostly went over. Obviously, the only man she had ever been with was ada. The last thing I wanted to hear about was his and nana's moments.


Time gave me more examples that my life was continuing on normally. As usual, the most overt signs I was given was the growing up of my children. Ranna's turn came along first. She grew up looking as gorgeous as ever, but we had a bit of a debate on where she would end up now that she had finished high school. Ranna had lived so much of her life in Twinbrook. She had so many more friends and connections there than she did here. It was her original goal to return back there. I was naturally disappointed, but I wasn't going to say anything against her idea if moving was her wish. She then indeed began to plan it all out. You can imagine my surprise then when several days later she came up to me to tell me that she had changed her mind. Ranna had thought about how horrible it had been to be separated from me when I had been taken. She knew it wasn't going to be the same as back then, but she would rather be by me and the rest her younger siblings than be where her friends were. Obviously, I wasn't going to complain. Our focus shifted towards finding her her own little place.

It was exceptionally more bittersweet than normal to have her leave. I was used to the feeling of letting my little girl leave. It was what Ranna's leaving reminded me of that put me in a downcast mood. It had already been this long, huh? Ranna's birthday was always a reminder of Wesley's death. Now I was being shown just how much time had strolled on by since that horrid night. It was hard to let the truth sink in. It felt as if he had only just been with me. However, there had been days that had gone by where I hadn't thought of him at all. That changed thanks to Ranna's leaving. I was thinking about Wesley more than ever, and I wasn't sure that that was a good thing.


Andethon growing older as well helped to give me a distraction. Being trapped by Silas already seemed as if it was something that had happened lifetimes ago. It was strange to try and image what I might be like or what Andethon might be like if Silas had managed to keep us hidden for so long. I didn't ponder that line of thinking for long. It was painful to think that Andethon would have known nothing of the world. Silas probably would have begun to keep him away from me. He would have forced his deluded thinking upon my son. As much as I wish I could have avoided the whole incident with me losing my memories, I was grateful that I got out when I got out. I loved seeing Andethon grow while having the freedom to think as he wanted to think. Most of the time he ran about the house with Ral. It was me and him our little furry friend remained the most attached to. Andethon and Ral became especially closer when Andethon grew up.


Before I knew it, enough time had gone by. Ada was due for his visit. It was peculiar to see him again so soon considering how used I was to centuries going by before we could be in each others presence once more. It was going to be weird seeing him and Eloril every other two weeks, that's for sure.

Nana and I had decided to keep both of our pregnancies a secret from everyone until ada was told the news of nana's happy accident first. I was sure no one would bat an eye when I announced mine, but I had a feeling nana's announcement would be a bit more of a shocker. I was getting impatient keeping everything to myself, so I was ecstatic when ada walked through the door. However, I might have been a bit too giddy. I greeted him normally, but then as he tried to start a conversation with me on how things were going I found that I couldn't stop giggling. No matter how hard I tried to suppress my laughter I simply couldn't do it. Ada stared at me with this confused, and slightly concerned, stare. I think he was about to ask me if everything was alright with my head when nana walked over. When she said she needed to talk to him privately in my room, I couldn't help myself. Ada looked so horribly cute in his dumbfounded state as nana gently led him up the staircase after chastising me. I only wish I could have heard that conversation and seen his expressions!


To appease myself, I went into the dining room where my children were to get their reactions instead. I was sorely disappointed for many reasons. The maid had failed to pick up quite a number of the dishes. That left me to get them seeing as I didn't want to interrupt the children from the homework they were doing. I distracted their attention anyway for I still had a suspiciously wide smile on my face. Thoronton asked me what was up. I revealed first that I was pregnant. That got the reaction I expected, which was little to no reaction at all. What astounded me was that when I then went on to reveal that they would be getting another aunt or uncle the little to no reaction was the same thing I received. The only ones who dwelled on it for more than a second were Aewen and Alcarien. The two of them made a few jokes about nana and ada having some fun before they moved on to a different topic. I pouted. I suppose them growing up in this kind of family they were in desensitized them to the typical excitement of such situations.


I expected that ada and nana would talk for a long time. I didn't expect that their conversation would go on for a full two hours. Seeing as I was interested and excited about what was going on unlike my children, waiting those one-hundred and twenty minutes drove me insane. So badly did I want to know what was going on! My smile returned when my parents finally came down the stairs. Ada was able to give me his own wily grin this time. By the look on his face and beaming attitude, it was clear the news had been taken well.

We were all more serious when ada and nana revealed to me what they had decided. I was absolutely floored when ada told me he was alright with nana and my little brother or sister living here. When I asked why, he said it was a matter of convenience and what was best for all. Nana had felt as if she would have been almost betraying me if the decision was made for her and the child to remain in the elven lands. It felt like she was choosing between us, and she didn't want to do that. She had remained firm in her decision to stay with me. Ada said it would have then been very troublesome for him and Eloril to look after the infant on their own when they were already struggling to get everything else back in order. Someone else would have had to look after him or her, and ada preferred to have the care coming from either him or nana even if it meant he would see the child less. It would be hard on him to be far away most of the time, but he had worked it out with Eloril so that he could come over more while Eloril stayed behind more frequently.

Ada also pointed out that I was almost done with the task. My new sibling wouldn't grow that much in the meantime. That made my head swirl for a second. It had completely escaped me that my brother or sister would be a full elf. I was just so used to being surrounded by children who were half and half that I somehow started believing all children were that way. I had been entertaining ideas of my child and my sibling growing up together like a set of twins. Now I was being brought back to the reality that by the time my child reached adulthood ada and nana's new son or daughter would only be at the development of a two-year-old! I would have less than ten children to give birth to at that point. Realizing once again how close I was to being done with this all began to really scare me again, but I kept my expression straight as ada had continued talking. He had said how nana would have to come home to give birth though. If the child was born on the human side of the wall then he or she would be a citizen of this land and not ours, which would lead to some problems.


I did my best to forget that I would only have eleven more children to go after I had the current child I was carrying. However, given that my mind was already stressed by trying not to miss Wesley so much, that I had another aspect to worry about only made it that much harder to ignore both. I threw myself into doing whatever I could to bring about more distractions. I suggested that we celebrate Delerith's and Delindir's birthday at the park at the back of our house instead of in the kitchen like normal. It was a much welcomed changed by everyone. Alcarien always enjoyed playing at the park as if she was still a child herself, and Aewen was entertained by playing fetch with Ral. Nana tried to improve my skills at chess, which were still terrible. Delerith, Delindir, Thoronton, and Andethon ran about playing on everything the playground had to offer while ada made lunch.


And then, just like that, I had four teenagers in the house to contend with. My youngest twins took more after Chauncey than ever. Delerith and Delindir remain as close as ever though. The only thing that shifted was that it was Delindir who began to tease Delerith a lot. Before, it had been the other way around.


Ada left several days after the party. It would be Eloril who came around next, but ada made a mention that he would try to come back as soon as he could. I knew that though he had agreed to let nana stay, he really wanted her to come back home with him. I empathized with him greatly. I don't think I could ever stand giving up what he was giving up. How I had managed to live with myself after giving away Londuil and Ninnor remains a mystery even to this day.

Even with so many children in the house and with more on the way, the days were surprisingly calm. Having that playground so close really did wonders in keeping a good portion of my dears entertained and making noise somewhere else. Then the others were like Aewen- content to do what they wanted quietly. Aewen was powering through every book we had in the house. She would get so lost in them that I could practice the violin right next to her and she didn't care. I had gone and bought a violin myself after missing the one I had played when I was trapped. I think, besides Andethon and Ral of course, that my renewal of love for the instrument was the only good thing that came out of my time there.


By the time Eloril came around to visit, both nana's stomach and mine had grown to where our pregnancies were noticeable. I had offered, mostly jokingly, to nana that she was free to wear whichever of my maternity outfits she wanted to wear. She did at least take a look through them, but decided they didn't quite fit her. We instead went out to the store to buy materials for a dress that would suit her tastes better. We had just finished making it when Eloril showed up. His appearance was a repeat of my reaction to ada when he returned. This time it was Eloril who couldn't keep his laughter quiet when he saw nana. He was soon feeling her bump and asking her all sorts of questions though. The one he asked that we had already been getting a lot of was his curiosity of whether she wanted the child to be a boy or a girl. Nana said that she was hoping for a boy.

Only I knew the reason why she had decided that. Up until one certain night, she hadn't had a preference either way. Then we had been lying on my bed talking after we watched some television. I had put my ear close to her stomach while I rested against her so I could catch the sounds of the baby. I was content and cheerful until I heard nana crying. It was like I had supposed. She was still terribly guilty over what had happened in the past. Nana felt awful that she already loved this baby so much but that she hadn't felt the same way about me. I reassured her everything was fine. She cared now. That was what I needed. Nana shook her head. It wasn't enough for her. I had a feeling the pregnancy was starting to get to her emotions like it always did with me, but I kept silent to let her finish what she had to say. It was that moment where she made the decision to want another son. That way she could spoil and love me as much as she wanted as I would be her only daughter. I said I wouldn't be envious if she did have a girl, but agreed with her that her having a boy was a lovely idea. Mostly, I just didn't want her to keep crying or feeling depressed.


Much to my relief, nana never had another little breakdown like that. I really just wanted her to stop feeling guilty so we could fully enjoy the time we spent together. With no infants or toddlers to watch over anymore, we had a lot of time to spend together. The weather remained nice enough for us to relax on the lounge chairs outside. There was several times during those hours where I remarked at how nana appeared to be such a different person. There was a sweet, childish side to her I had never seen before. I mentally smacked myself on the head when I realized that I was simply just seeing who she really was for the first time. She was allowing her more negative side to be pushed away by the real her. It was proof that nana was steadily letting go of the past like I hoped she would.


The days became more hectic. The children grew more troublesome. Someone was apparently in a pranking mood. I had to let Thoronton use my bathroom seeing as one of his siblings had decided to mess with the shower in the children's bathroom. I had no idea that my own bathroom had been compromised. Thoronton went to wash his hands and was instead greeted by an explosion of water. I felt bad for him and assisted him in cleaning up, but was secretly glad it had been him who had gotten caught instead of me.


Then the real trouble came. Even in quiet Riverview there were a few bad souls lurking about. I heard from my neighbors that it actually wasn't uncommon for thieves to come from other bigger towns nearby either because they assume the people here will be easy targets. Little do they know almost everyone had alarm systems set up in their homes. As always, setting one up for ours was one of the first things I did. Like many times before- the thief barely made it in through the front door. It was unfortunate for him that that was Eloril's last night with us. The thief was tackled and pinned to the floor while we waited for the police to come and retrieve him.


I had begun to notice that nana was painting some unique paintings recently. At first, I assumed the peculiar change in interest was because of her pregnancy. Then I got the real answer when I got so curious that I had to ask her about it. One of Thoronton's friend's birthday was coming up soon. She really like this particular children's show, and so Thoronton had asked her to make a painting of it that he could give to her for a present.


It wasn't long after Ranna had decided to stay in Riverview that I had gotten an explanation I hadn't known existed for why she changed her mind. She had never let on that she had fallen in love. I realized she never made a mention of it until she had come to me saying she wanted to marry him because the man she loved was a great deal older than her. Naturally, I was concerned. I was worried about both his and Ranna's motives. It turned out to be one of those cases were loved only seemed to be a number though. The man who went on to be my son-in-law was a calm man who treated Ranna well. Though I still thought their coupling odd, I never saw a reason to protest them being together. I did wince a little when Ranna came to me not long after nana and I discovered we were pregnant to reveal that she was pregnant too. What a bizarre situation it was. Nana was pregnant with my sibling. I was pregnant with nana's grandchild. Her grandchild was pregnant with her great-grandchild. All at the same time. It was no wonder our family was already considered strange by those around us.


Nana and I tried to get as much rest as possible during the later days of carrying out new children. Ada was going to arrive soon to escort nana home to give birth. However, it appeared my children had finally grown bored of being quiet. Their desire for their previous activities had waned as they had instead become attached to the video game system. After everyone ate breakfast, they would play together before it was time for them to dash across the road to head to school. When they came back and finished their homework, guess where they ended up. In front of the television playing games. I reminded them often to keep their volume at an acceptable level, but of course they forgot that request time and time again.


Ada came for his last visit before he and nana returned home. Nana was in the thick of her nesting period, and ada was as docile as he always was when tending to her. It was when I saw them together acting as a couple expecting a child would act that I did surprisingly begin to feel envious. I was actually jealous that my sibling had nana's love right from the start. The question of how she couldn't have felt the same towards me from the beginning entered my mind again.

However, it was my other feelings of envy that completely tossed aside that kind of thinking. Wesley was still very much in my thoughts. He only appeared more when I saw my parents together. I had had not so long ago what they had now and for eternity. I had experienced the warmth they shared, and I had lost it. Probably forever. I began to curse Eloril for telling me what he had told me. While it was no surprise the men back home no longer thought of me as a potential romantic other, I had hardly needed the confirmation that such a thing was true. The little hope I had held onto for so long was all but gone. I missed being loved so greatly. I missed the security it gave me, and hated how fear, despair, and loneliness took its place. Me being in such a late stage of pregnancy didn't help either. I started to want ada and nana just to leave. It wasn't a small number of times where I would see them together, my worries and hormones would overwhelm me, and I would have to retreat to my room for a good cry. I almost took down the pictures of Wesley that were hanging on the walls, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.


Ada and nana left several weeks before nana was due. They were aware it would be a rare thing for her baby to come so early as I had, but they weren't going to take any chances. That left me on my own with just my children for the first time in forever. It was lonely. It was refreshing. I had more to do, so time passed effortlessly. The weeks went by, and my labor with my new daughter started. I had known she would be a girl as I had asked ahead of time. I had offered to nana to get an ultrasound revealing the gender of her child as well, but she had declined. Ada and she wanted to be surprised.

When I gave birth to my beautiful daughter with hair just like mine, I pondered for a good long while on what name she should be given. I wanted it to be something special. This daughter was the first child I had had after all the bad events that had gone down. She was the final proof that my life was moving on- that there was still a lot of joy and happiness for me to find. What gave me the idea for her name was Andethon coming in to see if I needed help after I had gotten myself and my daughter settled. I had named children after both of my grandfathers. Perhaps it was time to honor my grandmothers. Since Andethon had been named after nana's father, I decided to name my daughter Abrien after ada's mother, Abriel.


It seemed like it was only minutes later when I was bringing Abrien over to visit her nephews, but it actuality it was several days later. Ranna had given birth to twin boys, Ari and Helmut. I couldn't help but to be concerned again. Ranna's husband was much older than Wesley was when I had Elemir, and here he was having more children. I was worried he wouldn't even make to see his sons reach high school. Then where would that leave Ranna? I wanted to voice my worries, but I knew I needed to let my daughter enjoy her happiness first before I forced her to face reality.


And ada and nana gave me a matter that had to be dealt with more immediately. Nana had her child before either Ranna or I had given birth, but it took a little while before her letter reached me. I was pleased to learn that everything had gone well. Despite nana's hoping, she had gone on to give birth to a new daughter who had her hair and ada's eyes. I decided I was alright with having a sister. It really had been the pregnancy hormones that had been driving that jealousy. Missing Wesley though...that was something different.

I expected what nana wrote about her resting at home for several weeks before she and my sister came back. What I never could have prepared myself for was the finishing lines I read. Nana had waited until the last second in her letter to reveal my sister's name. It was gladdening none of my neighbors were outside for I exclaimed when I saw it. My mouth dropped open and I stared at nana's words in stunned amazement. It wasn't the good kind of amazement either. I supposed nana and I were more alike than I thought. She had wrote that she had suggested to ada the idea to name their daughter after his mother. I held my head in my hand and sighed heavily. This had to be the Goddess' idea of a joke.

My parents had named my sister Abrien......

2 comments:

Melissa Mckie said...

Aww lady lovely locks... That was my fav show as a kid :)

iKelsey said...

Ah, that was what that was! I knew I recognized the characters from somewhere, but I couldn't for the life of me remember the name of the show, lol.

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