Giving In

I really didn't mean to, but I almost forgot. Again. I thought I needed to start marking the calendar so I wouldn't have this issue anymore, and I was close to doing just that. It was simply that the household had been so calm after that crazy storm of birthday after birthday. I was enjoying the new schedule we had all fallen into, and I was looking forward to the days ahead. Then I remembered the days ahead included me having another child. By the time the realization came, my normal deadline for conception had long passed. With few options available to me, I went back to the house where Henry lived. I hoped this one particular man I had met on my previous trip there, Mr. Clifton Langston, would be willing to do a little something with me. He welcomed my advances warmly, although I did hesitate for a moment. I hadn't noticed before that he was decently older than the men I usually sleep with. I really didn't have much of a choice though.

I struggled a bit at the awkwardness I felt when Mr. Langston led me to the exact same bed in the exact same bedroom where Henry and I had conceived Cadrier. I knew it was stupid to feel such a way, but I felt as if I was cheating on Henry in a way. It had also surprised me that Mr. Langston had proved so receptive towards me. He had to know his housemate and I had a child together. Wasn't he nervous about the same thing happening if he slept with me? I suppose he either didn't care or was so anxious to sleep with me that he wasn't thinking properly.

After our time was over, I knew I could not come back to this house as once I became pregnant again it would be obvious I was coming over with a single purpose in mind. I told myself I needed to stop being so lazy towards getting to know the men who would help me have children. It is such an important part of the task, and here I am continually putting it off until the last second every single time.

Naturally, the practice driving Ris had with Rithranduil that day we went to the festival wouldn't be enough practice for her to earn a license. Rithranduil has been very busy recently, so Ris recruited another one of her siblings to help. Ithilas, sadly, has gotten older. He retired from his teaching job at the high school after years of dutiful work, and is reveling in his retirement. He admitted he grows quite bored from time to time though, and was all too willing to come over each day to take Ris out to practice. Besides helping her out, I also get to reliably see him everyday. It is a great opportunity even if it is a constant reminder of the painful truth. It has gotten to be that time again. With Calun's recent death, all my children who had remained in Sunset Valley have passed away. It feels like it was only yesterday Lithaldoren was helping me to recover Eleme from that one specific man, but even he, Lomenia, and Lueth have been dead for a good many years now. Eleme is getting older herself as well. She's on the verge of retirement, and her hair is mostly gray.

I have been trying not to worry about the steadily approaching deaths of more of my children. Ithilas is still very healthy, and has a lot of time left to come over to talk to me and lovingly pester his younger siblings here at home. When I can't fight back the sadness, I stop what I'm doing to watch Amonost and Adonnen play to remember how much laughter and joy remains in my life. Those two really are the embodiment of laughter and joy. They rival Ris is terms of cheerfulness and optimism. They make even simple play seem so spectacular. For example, they love riding on the bee spring riders whenever they get the chance. Watching them you wouldn't think there was anything wrong in the world.

They soon grew too big to play on those riders though. I had more proof that time was unending in its passing by of me when their birthday came around. I could barely believe the children Wesley and I had had together were already entering their adolescent years. That vacation truly felt as if it had only just happened. However, Wesley himself was more proof of the years that have passed. When he came over for the celebration, I noticed for the first time the wrinkles on his face and other signs of aging. They were slight, but unmistakable. If it wasn't for that continual spark in his eyes and Wesley still being Wesley, I would have been more panicked at those signs.

As normal, the twins had a great birthday celebration thanks to Wesley's dedication at decorating the house like crazy and everyone being so uninhibited which left me rarely having a short moment to breath due to all the laughing I was doing. Wesley teased that he was going to have to give me mouth-to-mouth again.

Since their birth, Amonost and Adonnen have had clear, distinct personalities. They did become more similar when they started elementary school, but they've separated more again. Not that they're not close. No, those two are as close as you can imagine. It's their likes, habits, and talents that differ quite drastically. Amonost has grown much fonder of music, and so began practicing the the piano. It was only after several days that the music he was playing was so lovely I could hardly believe he was a novice.

Then there's Adonnen, who has no interest in music at all. He would rather spend all day outside in the sun that he loves, which is easy since it's now summer and the sun stays around for so long. Adonnen decided that the tree in the back right of the yard near my garden was his favorite. He'll go out and lay under it for hours as soon as he finishes all his work. I can tell by the look in his eye and by how he speaks that he finds Twinbrook horribly boring. His eyes will then light up when he hears Wesley tell him the tales of all the times he's gone diving and done other similar athletic activities. I won't be surprised when the days comes when Adonnen tells me he wants to move away to pursue similar interests.

I knew Wesley would come around a lot when Amonost and Adonnen were younger, but I had figured as they had grown older we would begin seeing less of him. Surely by now he would be interested in trying to make more of a life for himself that did not center around visiting his sons, and by extension, me. That assumption turned out to be wrong. Wesley's visits remained as frequent as ever. I really didn't mind. I was somewhat surprised, but after so many years of us being friends I was comfortable with where we were at. I honestly thought we had escaped any problems that might arise.

That thinking was wrong as well. It had been so long since Wesley and I had slipped and done a little something that was more than friendly. I began letting him into my room again when he would follow me about the house. And nothing happen for quite a while. On that particular day, I thought nothing of it when we entered the room continuing the discussion we had started downstairs. However, I hadn't been paying attention as I talked and was oblivious to the old glances of longing Wesley threw my way.

I continued to remain oblivious towards them as I began walking about the room cleaning it as I had let it get dirtier than what I was comfortable with. Wesley sat on the bed. He began his typical teasing jests towards me when we ran out of things to talk about. Most of them centered around me being so "fat" as the slight bulge of Clifton's daughter that was I was carrying had become visible. Though I clearly was not nearly as weighed down as Wesley was implying, after some time my feet did began to ache. I only laughed when Wesley unexpected pulled me onto his lap as I went to sit down since it was done in the same teasing manner as he had been speaking in. Then...

I don't even know what happened. I vaguely remember us sitting like that for a decent while talking normally. Then it is if part of my memory was stolen away as the next thing I can recall is Wesley holding me in a much more different way while he and I kissed passionately. It was as if no time had passed at all from those vacation days. I mean it. Within seconds it felt I had been lowered to the bed, and things really were progressing towards that. Honestly, I almost let it happen. I was already pregnant. What harm could we truly do?

It hit me that we could do a lot. All those years of hard effort would be wasted. After so much work, I could not let us slip up. However, Wesley's mind was not as easy to change. Not once, but twice he brushed aside my efforts to press him away and continued on with what he was doing. He stopped after a firmer push. It was silent for a moment before he tried to rationalize as I had done what we could so easily do. I told him no, and when he didn't move from his position above me I truly had to push him so he would stand up.

I was upset with Wesley. Not because of the kissing. I had willingly participated in that. Like I said as well, I don't even remember when or how it started. It could have been me who lost control first. I wasn't upset that he hadn't stopped right away either. I remember how lost in my passion I had been that first night on that little island. If Wesley had tried to stop me then, I would have had some trouble as well. I've known Wesley too well for too long to think he would truly ever force himself against my will. I got upset because instead of dealing with the situation responsibly as he had promised me would all those years ago when I offered him the chance to have a child with me Wesley broke that promise. He began trying to convince me that we could be alright if we wanted to be together.

I told him as I've told him before that if he wants love and marriage then he needs to find it with another woman. Wesley's voice changed and he sounded so different from what I've heard from him before as he spoke next. I knew it was because he was finally admitting the truth he had been holding back for years. Wesley didn't want to love some other woman. He had tried to throw his feelings away and I could not like it all I wanted, but it was me and only me he hopelessly loved. Wesley had forced that love aside so we could be friends like I wanted since it meant he could at least be close to me in some way. But he couldn't stand it anymore. He had to stop lying to himself.

And I had to stop lying to myself too. We both wanted the same thing, and Wesley honestly believed we could have it. He understood the task, and would never prevent me from doing what I had to do. If he had been able to let his ex-wife love and sleep with another man while still being married to him then me sleeping with other men only because it was something required by the Goddess was something he could handle with ease. I could have the help and support that should have been by my side from the very beginning. I shook my head. I had foolishly believed before I could have something that would last with a man, and the Goddess had taken Londuil and Ninnor away from me because of my disobedience. Wesley gave me a slight shake. He asked if I really thought that was a punishment from the Goddess. To him all he saw was just two stiff-necked, narrow-minded grandparents who forced a conflict they had no right to cause. If the Goddess wanted me to have and raise half-human children, why would she purposely take them away from me?

I didn't answer. I pulled away from Wesley. All I could do was tell him to leave for I could not stand what he was being so cruel as to put me through.

After a moment, Wesley did leave. I didn't call or talk to him again, and there was silence from him as well. He stopped coming over. Amonost and Adonnen had to go over to his house if they wanted to spend time with their father. Everyone quickly learned not to mention him around me, and it became as if he had never really existed at all. Of course I would have no choice but to be horribly upset about the whole thing, but I refused outright to wallow or lament in my negative emotions. The promise Wesley had made to me had been the condition he had agreed to when I gave in to what he had wanted. Now that he had broken that promise, the friendship had to break as well. That was the consequence he knew had existed. There was nothing to be done even if the separation was devastating. I did my best to continue on and pretend everything was normal. I smiled and was merry all throughout Cadrier's birthday party. Having developed an affection for the heat just like Adonnen has, he spent a lot of time out in the sun swinging.

I really began to like those summer days. The beautiful weather meant my little garden was bursting vibrantly with life. It was wonderful to see everything growing strong. Since Adonnen and Cadrier liked being outside so much, and especially since Adonnen's favorite tree was so close to where I would be, one of the two was usually around for me to talk with while I worked. Occasionally, they would even help. Another pleasantry was Amonost and his piano playing, which could be heard easily from the garden. There were those reasons why I liked working in the garden, but I wouldn't be telling the truth if I didn't say doing so much work also distracted me from what I wanted to ignore.

And I really needed a distraction. Wesley, instead of only being upset, also grew angry when the silence between us pressed forward. He had tried to contact me by phone and by sending letters with Amonost and Adonnen when they returned home from spending time with him, but I had ignored everything. It got the point where Wesley vented his frustrations by taking his revenge in crafty ways. Obviously, he didn't try to do anything harmful. He simply did things that undermined the way I was trying to parent the twins. Not that he broke any rules though either. Like I said, he was crafty about it. He was able to find things I would disapprove of but never think to make an actual rule about. For example, he kept Amonost out till one in the morning on a school night so he could start his driving lessons.

That's one of the few examples I can give. I know more has happened, but everything has been done so smartly most of the time I don't even notice anything has been done. I happened to notice that night though because I was still awake when Wesley returned our son home. My body was in so much pain that I hadn't been able to sleep. I didn't know it at that point, but that pain was the beginning of my labor. There was a long build-up before labor really started around mid-morning. Tridia was born shortly before Ris, Amonost, and Adonnen returned home from school. Ris was almost literally jumping up and down when she found out Tridia had been born. It wouldn't be that long of a time, but she was happy she got to have a little sister to tend to before she graduated and moved out. I was thankful Ris was more than happy to watch over her for most of the afternoon. With all the stress that had been because of Wesley and the pain of the labor, I required a lot of rest.

Then what do I do barely a month later?

I invited over a man named Carlton Cash to help me with you know what. I would later go to feel horrible about it, but the very first reason I decided to become pregnant again so soon was to get back at Wesley and just to overall make him angrier. I criticized myself when I realized how petty I was being. I forced my childish emotions to depart, and began to genuinely desire the child I was carrying to be born because I wanted him or he to be born. I also thought it would be nice to have a bigger family again. To add to that, it would alleviate my guilt that I'm pretty much wasting so much money on this house since we barely use half of it.

It took me a while after my time with Carlton to notice something. I had felt from the moment I met him that there was something familiar about him. When I made the connection, I had to laugh at how I had failed to remember what about him was familiar. It was his name. Carlton Cash was also the name of the man who fathered Niphredil.

There was one night when I was in my room where I thought someone had suddenly turned the radio on very loudly. It was strange though since none of the children really listened to the classical stations. However, I was enjoying the music. It pepped me up as I went about my way doing more cleaning. I eventually went down to the second floor to hear properly just where the music was coming from. It quickly dawned on me it wasn't coming from a radio at all. It was Ris playing her violin and Amonost playing his keyboard together. The song my children were making was so stunningly beautiful. It had to have been a combination of the hormones of my pregnancy with Tridia and my new pregnancy, for even though the song was upbeat and not sad at all I was so moved that I began to bawl like an idiot. I had to hide in the bathroom until I got a grip on my silly self.

Eventually, both Wesley and I stopped being angry at each other. I found the courage to at least listen to the messages he left on my phone, and read the letters he sent. I was too scared to contact him back though. I think Amonost and Adonnen relayed my change in behavior to him. That's because Wesley suddenly showed up one day. I was confused when I saw him actually inside the house, but I remembered he still had the key I had given him long ago. It remained too difficult to speak to him even with him right there in front of me. The boys were out at the park, and Ris was upstairs with Tridia. He was free to follow me about without having to worry about stressing out the children. Wesley didn't speak at first. I assumed he wanted me to say something. He did begin talking when it was clear I wasn't going to say anything, and as soon as words started leaving his mouth a heavy constriction of true confliction burdened my chest.

My resolve was failing. I wanted to return back into that dedicated person I had been before, but no matter how strongly I told myself to brush Wesley away when he kept trying to get me to face him I could not move. It got to the point where we were moving around in a circle looking like absolute idiots as I shifted to avoid his gaze while he shifted to catch it. Wesley kept talking. I finally found a voice, but the most I could say was reminding him of the law where if I so much as live with a man as if we are married I cannot marry anyone but him.

Wesley became a bit forceful with me again. It was a little jolting, but not painful. He was only trying to get me to look him in the eye. "Aren't you tired of struggling?" was what he asked me when I cowardly refused to face him. I knew instantly he was not talking about that current moment. Me avoiding his gaze was not the struggle he meant. My mind and heart understood the truth, and both answered yes before I could think otherwise. It was then that I melted- melted right into Wesley's arms. Even before I began to quiver slightly, Wesley told me he knew I was scared. He realized the weight of what he was asking of me. To be with him would only increase the pain that was going to be burdensome enough when he died, but Wesley pointed out that he had many years still left to live. He would do everything he could to make those years as joyful as he could for me. If marriage was too much for me to handle, then it was fine if we didn't get married. Wesley just wanted there to be a we.

I barely managed to sputter out something again about the law. Wesley shook his head in frustration, and used a lot of strong language to condemn the law. He thought it was sheer nonsense, and said it wasn't like anyone back home would find out it we broke it anyway. I pointed out that the Goddess would know. "So?" was Wesley's response. My people had made the law. Not her. What did she care if we didn't follow it? Besides, what person would honestly find us living together in committed relationship more shameful than the dozens of time we had slept together? That real damage had already been done, but at what point had I complained about that? Again, I had no answer for him. So he continued. The reason I had been sent on my vacation in the first place was because for over 300 years I had been sacrificing what I wanted and giving up so much of myself for the benefit of others.

It was my turn to be selfish. It was my turn for me to have my way. I deserved to live happily in the way I desired just as much as everyone else does. Wesley told me to think about it. To think about what I really wanted. If I answered him honestly, he would do whatever I told him to do. If I wanted him to leave, he would leave. If I wanted us to just be friends as we had been before, then we would be friends. If I wanted us to be more, then he would make it be so I didn't have to worry about the consequences.

From the beginning with our very first weeks together, there was only ever one answer of what I really truly wanted. What I had experienced until that point had me so convinced nothing but trouble and pain awaited me if I let myself have that. However, there in Wesley's arms, which were as safe and reassuring as ever, I became fully convinced in the opposite manner. What I wanted was him. And I could have him. I was already living so differently from the way I had believed my life would be when I was little. I no longer saw a reason to restrict myself based on outrageous laws of a place I have not been to in over three centuries. In fact, at this point I've pretty much lived an equal amount of time in both worlds. I belong to both. I belong to neither. I am not bound the same way I used to be. I could make my own path in life in a way that hadn't been open to me before, and that path was with him. It was definitely going to lead to a lot of pain when he died, but I am no stranger to heartbreak. Even when it nearly destroyed me, I proved victor. If I have been able to survive until this point then I can be happy beyond Wesley's passing as well. I would rather make the grief of his departure worse but get to live the dream I've wanted for so long rather than still feeling great pain as well as living my eternal life with yet another regret.

As had apparently become my habit, I was too overcome to say anything. However, I didn't need to verbally tell Wesley my answer. The way I looked up at him said it all. There was silence for a moment as he took the news in before an absolutely goofy smile spread across his face, which I reciprocated. Wesley tried to kiss me. I began giggling though, and the attempt went horribly. Wesley laughed too, and the whole thing became even more of a mess. When I couldn't stop giggling, Wesley teasingly asked if I was alright. He would have to a wait a bit later when I calmed down before he got the explanation.

I never thought I would see the day where I would willingly rebel so strongly against what I had been taught as a child and against the culture that made up the very core that is me. However, giving in to temptation to have what I wanted more than anything else was so freeing I just couldn't control my joy......