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"She wouldn't say anything other than that she was able to talk to someone who gave her the encouragement she needed to find enough meaning to want to keep living." - Eloril, Compromise.

"I asked him why he always shows up like this- now and when he came before to reach me when I was at my lowest point." - Ellothiel, One Special Day.

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Go away...

He only drew closer- reaching his hands out towards me.

     Please leave me alone...

     "Ellothiel?"

He inched closer.

     It's already too late...

     You can't change anything...

I withdrew tighter when I felt him right next to me. He dared to reach out to touch me.

     Get away...

     You of all people have no right to be here...

     "Ellothiel?"

There was a long pause.

     "I won't say that it's alright, because I know it isn't. I...just..."

     You don't even know what to say...

     Not like it matters...

His hand clasped my shoulder gently.

     I can't handle you being here right now...

     "Though it might not be much, I want to help yo-"
     "GET OUT OF HERE!"

My sudden shout caused him to jump backwards from shock. I'm sure that me shoving him hard in the chest had something to do with it as well. Despite the fact that I kept beating him away, he continued trying to approach me.

     "Ellothiel..."

     "NO! Not you! Don't think you have any right to be here! I had thought-! Then you just disappeared! I wanted to talk to you so badly, but you were running away from me as fast as you could! Not one phone call was answered! Not one letter! You left with a smile, but that was a lie! You already knew you were going to abandon me, didn't you?!"

      "I never meant-"

     "I don't want to hear it! I can't believe a thing you say! You want to help?! As if! You're not even here right now! I wouldn't haven't known since you left with no intention of looking back, but it's been long enough. You've definitely died by now! Even if you hadn't- you'd be a miserable old man! There's no way for you to actually be here like this! Okay?! You're not here! You're not here! You're not here. You're not..."

I pressed my hands into the earth soaked with rain as I rocked back and forth slightly. I was trying so hard. Every part of me was screaming for me to simply let go save for some dratted piece, buried beneath all the torturous pain, which begged for me to hold on. All my energy was going into listening to that tiny piece. If I ignored it for one second- I was gone. I had already slipped too far. One more drop and it would be impossible to return.

    "I'm right here, Ellothiel. Right here," his voice cracked softly as if he was about to cry, "It is true I planned to cut off our communication, but I never meant to abandon you. Honestly, I didn't think you would care in the end. I had no idea I meant that much to you. It seemed more likely that you would forget about me entirely."

     "You were wrong."

     "And I am eternally regretful. To tell the truth once more, I've probably thought of you more than you've thought of me. To keep myself away was excruciating. I would have turned back...had it not been too late. I would have revealed to you something you can't know at this point. You don't need the distraction."

He had stopped moving closer. There was no sounds to fill the air other than the steady pour of the rain and my own sobs. In that pause where he was thinking of what to say next, I broke down and reached for him. He didn't disappear like I thought he would. My hands touched something solid and real.

     "But I actually do need your help," I whispered, "Leave again later if you must, but I'm so tired right now. There's too much pain inside me, and stopping it from destroying me is destroying me just as much."
     "Of course I will help, but I'm afraid I don't know how much of it I can be. I don't know what I should do to make your pain less."

I didn't know either. Was there truly anything he could say that would make me feel better? Wasn't I already too far gone to be reached? However, he had managed to reach me in one way already. He had found me when I didn't even know where I was. My family was surely looking for me, but he was the one who was there instead. 

     "Just..." I whispered once more.

I tugged on his shirt to motion him closer. He instantly held me in an embrace that was tight and reassuring but gentle and soft at the same time. Being there like that, I could hear his heartbeat. It became what I clung onto to keep me tethered to the world. My baby girl was gone. She had been stolen from me before it had been her time. But now, he, who should have died, was the one who remained. I didn't understand it at all, but I stopped questioning it. His heart was beating. His body was shielding me from the rain. The heat he emanated was the warm fire that kept me from freezing. I could not say how much time passed with us being there like that. All I knew was that it was a very long time until I found my voice again.

     "If I do go back," I began quietly, "I...I don't think I can finish what's been asked of me."

     "I won't try to convince you either way. It can only ever be your choice. I know that no one will blame you though. What you've had to face is too much for one person, and perhaps the end result is truly impossible. However, don't let stopping the order be one of the reasons why you don't return. Everyone would rather have you back than lose you because you didn't want to disappoint them. It might be unavoidable that you'll have to hurt some more if you live, but I think the regret you would have if you gave in now would be an even greater heartache you would have to bear for eternity."

     "I want to have the strength to go back, but I don't have it. Giving up on the order doesn't matter so much in the end because I'm so close to my life failing me."
     "That end is an choice too- one that you have control over. It's a matter of deciding what is truly wanted."
     "I want to be with her again."
     "I didn't mean only what you wanted. What do your children want? What does Cirabel want?"
     "Don't say her name..."
     "I know if she was given the choice you have that there would be no hesitation. She would choose life. If she could talk to you now, she would tell you to choose life."
     "I don't know if I care enough of what she would think. It's been centuries since I've been able to do what I want. I want to be selfish for a moment."

     "Even if that selfishness destroys everything that you worked so hard for over those centuries? You would so willingly bring the pain you feel now into the hearts of everyone who cares for you despite understanding how cruel it is to have to bear the heartbreak?"

I was forced to close my mouth. He cupped my face in his hands as he raised my head. I had no choice but to stare up into those eyes of him. His gaze was unwavering.

     "Ellothiel, she wouldn't want you to fail. I don't want you to fail. You're too precious to too many to be lost like this. You're a giver of life and love, not a victim of death and darkness. You have the strength to create a happy ending for yourself and those you hold dear, and I swear I will always do what I can to help you along."

Slowly, he leaned his head down closer to mine. There was a brief moment of hesitation. I could read his thoughts perfectly. Was it really right for him to be doing this? Would it not make all his efforts of keeping his distance useless? He must not have cared, for in the sweetest of brief seconds he let his lips brush against mine. It was barely that. It could hardly be called a kiss. Still, a warmth so intense spread across me that it left me thinking only one thing. There was my life. There with him was the peace and comfort I so desperately craved. I was frustrated beyond all belief when he wouldn't bring his lips back to mine even when I pulled as hard as I could on his arms and shirt. It was more infuriating still because he wanted to do the same just as much as I did. However, despite pressing his forehead against mine, he wouldn't allow us to connect like that again.

     "I promise it," his voice was so soft, "Let me be the selfish one by asking you to not be selfish in this moment. Try to give this all one more chance. If you do that, I swear I will devote all of me to stopping this pain from hurting you ever again. Even if it causes me to suffer, I will never give up in doing my best to make sure there is something worthwhile waiting for you no matter if you finish the order or not."

I had lost my ability to speak. I could only sit there staring at him while he smiled and lovingly ran his fingers against my cheek. He chuckled lightly.

     "Well, you feel so much warmer. I suppose I'm not entirely useless at giving comfort after all."

I began to panic when he stood up. I clung onto his hand with all my strength. He gave it a reassuring squeeze.

     "I do have to leave now, but don't worry. Your father will be here soon. Then, though you won't see me, I'll be around. I really do promise it. Alright?"

The last thing I wanted to do was let go of his hand, but my fingers loosened their grip and my hand slid out of his. He gave me one final smile. I closed my eyes to hold back more tears, and when I opened them soon after he was already gone. There was not one trace that had shown he had ever been there. I sat there dumbfounded and lost in thought until the barking of my brother's odd little dog broke me out of my trance several minutes later...

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The tension and awkwardness of the air between us increased as we both though back to that time. It was clear Laril was rather embarrassed. I was simply having trouble comprehending it all. When ada had shown up after Zuri led him to me, I had gone ahead and brushed off seeing Lar as something that my mind had indeed created out of desperation to keep me alive. It was true he had felt real, but he had disappeared too fast for it to be possible. Now I was seeing that my impossible was easily possibly for Laril. They way he left then and how he managed to get away when I chased him in Twinbrook- he had quite a pair of nimble legs on him. That he had appeared the same as when I knew him hadn't helped to convince me had been real either. I had never contemplated the idea that he could be an elf. It made so much sense now, but my mind had been so bothered by all the improbabilities that I had pushed our meeting to the back of my mind until I had almost forgotten about it. 

Laril glanced to the ground as he shifted hesitantly. It was his turn to be lost for words.

     "That dream I had," I started.

He glanced up at me sheepishly.

     "That you were there should have made it so obvious. I had forgotten that it has been said that those of our people who are deeply linked can connect to the other through their dreams."
     "Deeply linked, huh?" Laril whispered.
     "Would you say that we're not? Why else would you have kept your promise? You were the one who found the previous owner of Mr. Clemens cabin so that we could rescue Eleme, right?"
     "I also commissioned Sind to paint whatever he wanted for me, giving him extra if he finished early so I could help you when you were struggling for money." Laril added quietly.
     "And you were the one who saved me." I reiterated.
     "I did not save you," Laril shook his head, "I nearly got you killed."

I looked at him in confusion.

     "What do you mean?"

    "When I found where you were, I rushed in without thinking. I attacked Silas not knowing what I was getting myself into. I got his gun away from him, but he was much stronger than I expected. My rash and unprepared actions caused him to slip away. He reached you, and he almost murdered you because of my failings. If I had acted rationally and gone to alert the police, they could have gotten you away without you being hurt at all."

     "I'm fine now though. I'm actually glad I lost my memories."
     "You're crazy." Laril frowned as he gave me a look.

     "I'm not. The truth is that not all of my memories did come back. I don't know how much you know, but when I was younger there were many...unpleasant times between my nana and I. Thanks to Silas giving my brain a knock, those memories are no longer there. I know the bad times happened, but now I'm free from the pain of them just like nana and I are free from the repercussions of what used to happen."

Laril glanced to the ground again.

     "Though you say that..." he mumbled.

I did not like the change that had come over him. Now that the excitement of his grand reveal had worn off, it seemed Laril was quite afraid of what I thought. The longer I stared at him as he stood there hopelessly, the more I was able to sense what he thought and felt like I had during our previous meeting. Laril had spoken so boldly then. He was so sure of what he felt, but my true feelings were a mystery to him. Me trying to pull him back to me couldn't possibly mean anything given how messed up I had been emotionally. The hope that I might reciprocate what he wanted for us was a pretty foolish hope to have.

I didn't intend to do what I did next. I merely grew annoyed with his assumption that I couldn't possibly feel what he wished I would feel. Then there was the unsatisfied restlessness that welled up within me. Me being upset over Cirabel's death hadn't done a thing to stop me from wanting what I wanted from him. I remained annoyed that had pulled away like he had. So my solution? I walked over to Laril, and I brushed my lips against his like he had done to me. I almost laughed at how he froze up from shock. However, the situation very nearly went badly as it took him too long to break out of that shock. I kept at it to get him to respond back, but he continued to stand there like a statue. It didn't take long for me to doubt what I had thought he thought. Perhaps I had been horribly wrong about everything. My cheeks flushed as I pulled away believing I had just made a huge mistake.

The expression on Laril's face changed quickly when he saw that. He not only stopped me from getting any further away, but he brought me back in to give me what I had wanted so badly all those years ago. I was scared for a moment that I might not experience that same connection. It could have been my craving for relief that had affected me so.

My fears were unfounded. The intense warmth was still there. In fact, it spread with more vigor than before. The two of us were swept away in seconds. Laril was ecstatic that his feelings were clearly reciprocated. I was overcome by the relief that I didn't have to be afraid anymore. The man with me was my key to life. He was the only one who could understand me like no one else could. He was the one who could love me in a deeper and profound way than someone like Wesley was able, which was hard to admit. However, with Wesley there had always been that fear of loss because he was mortal. He could never fully understand me because he was mortal. With Laril, I could finally relax and let my heart rest under his protection. He was my forever.

As we continued, I couldn't help but to let my mind wander briefly. I recalled something else the image of Wesley had told me. The man who would be with me forever loved me, would love me much more strongly than Wesley could. It was peculiar that both his feelings and mine were indeed so strong despite how little we knew about each other. I had only been in contact with "Lar" for less than a year. Laril had watched over me, but of course that wasn't the same as us having an actual relationship. However, there was no denying the surety and security I felt as we kissed. For whatever reason, the lack of time we had spent together didn't matter. There was something about the two of us that would forever draw us back. Fate had simply determined that we were meant for each other. The human race's term of "soul mates" came to my mind.

Laril and I pulled apart after perhaps a ridiculously long time has passed. I was very glad there was no one else around. Ada and nana would have given me an earful, and Eloril would have teased my head off if he had seen what I had done. There was no one around though, so I wasn't embarrassed. Laril did appear a bit flushed, but he smiled too.

Until...my eyes narrowed as something popped into my head. He looked like a deer caught in headlights when I gave him a good push.

     "Uh, what did I do wrong?" he asked nervously.
     "Oh, you just very nearly messed up the rest of my entire life, that's what. You almost shot yourself in the foot as well!"
     "I...I did?"
     "Well, I can't think of anyone else who would have had the knowledge to let the entire elven world know that I had entered into a relationship with a human."

Did that cause the most horrific of ashamed expressions to spread across Laril's face! He looked so shameful, pitiful, and guilty that some of my anger lessened.

     "Were you completely oblivious as to the punishment that could have been passed down upon me? Did you not realize what you dreamed and hoped for us would have been ruined before it could begin?"

    "I passed the news on out of spite and jealousy, and as soon as I did I regretted it wholeheartedly-because I had betrayed you and because I had actually forgotten the specific punishment you could have faced had your adar not been there to bail me out of my mistakes like usual."

     "Yes, you are very lucky in that regard. You're also lucky that I like you enough to forgive you."
     "I am indeed truly blessed."

The smile he smiled was mildly teasing is nature. I found myself resisting a grin too.

     "In truth, I don't care enough about the matter at this moment to really talk about it. I'll be angry at you later. I want to discuss other things."
     "Such as?"
     "Many things, but let us go on a walk while we have our conversation. It's only a matter of time before one of my nosy siblings shows up."
     "A fine suggestion."

Our hands automatically found their way into each other when we began walking. I thought it would feel strange that we were acting so close so quickly, but it only felt incredibly natural and just plain right.

     "Is there something on my face?" Laril jokingly asked when he saw me staring again.
     "More like there's not something there. Got tired of your facial hair?"
     "Actually, not at all! I prefer not having to shave, but since I've been back I have been since having a smooth chin is the norm here."
     "I think you look better with a bit of stubble."
     "Perhaps I should stop giving into social pressure and keep my face how I like it then." Laril laughed.
     "Perhaps." I agreed.

I only wish I could say the rest of our conversation continued on in that cheerful manner. Unfortunately, Laril had a sad story to tell when I asked about his family. He no longer had one, and their demise had been the reason he had been in the human lands long before I arrived there. I was surprised to find out that my parents and the other leaders had decided to try sending ambassadors from our lands over the wall. Laril's parents had been the two chosen to go. As luck would have it, just when the leaders had tried to trust the younger race again, Laril's parents ended up getting shot. It wasn't because they were elves. It hadn't been planned or intended at all. They had simply been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Having no idea what guns were or what they could do, the fight they attempted to stop took their lives instead.

The incident had been hushed up. Ada, nana, and the other leaders feared what would happen if our people had learned more of our kind had been killed by human hands. Few had known Laril's parents had left. To those people, they were told a lie as to how they had died- an excuse that kept the blame off the humans. To everyone else, they were left in the dark about everything. However, Laril had to be told the truth. He had become so distraught and furious that he fled to the human lands to exact revenge on his parents' killer despite ada's protests. Laril never got the chance to have that revenge. The killer's dangerous lifestyle had gotten himself killed before Laril could find him. There was nothing to be done. Laril admitted that he never planned on returning to our lands. He didn't want to come back because he knew his parents wouldn't be there. So, with ada's help, he ended up assimilating into the human culture. His career as a photographer began because he needed to find beauty in the world to clear the dark torments of his heart.

The last of the darkness disappeared when he meant me. Seeing how I had been forced away from home showed him that he had been acting selfishly for a long time. There were many people who cared about him and wanted him to return. One of those people was Erien. My mouth dropped open in surprise when Laril revealed that the two had been extremely close friends growing up. Their parents had always gently pushed the idea of them marrying. That thought of "What if?" got the two of us laughing again. We turned our conversation towards lighter topics once more, and used our time alone to begin truly learning about the other.

The boredom I experienced before that day never returned to bother me. The fun started when Laril and I returned from our walk to find Pemir at the house looking for me. I had completely forgotten about my promise that we would go riding. It was humiliating but just as amusing when I went ahead and let Pemir know some of what had occurred when we took our horses out. He loved how quickly his words had been proven true, and he wished me all the best.

Laril and I began spending a lot of our time together. This was mostly due to him moving in with us. He had friends back in the northern land where he was from, but my family had become his family. I hadn't known it, but ada had become Laril's father figure ever since his parents died. It made sense why he had reacted so strangely when I first mentioned "Lar Smith" to him in Aurora Skies and why ada had fought for Laril intensely after he had killed Silas. I was glad for their bond because it meant Laril and I could be as close as we wanted without having to worry about him disapproving of our relationship. We never officially declared it to anyone or ourselves that we were courting, but everyone knew that we were. The two of us were already so much more than mere romantic potentials though. There was no doubt about Laril being a permanent fixture in our lives. I found it endearing and humorous how our family had grown from four to five to six. The household was lively and busy, but that kind of household was what I had grown to love.

Despite our strong attraction, Laril and I fought often. He did not act like the rest of my family when it came to me dealing with my grief. They supported me when I was down. They would talk about it with me when I wanted to talk about it. Laril, however, was the one who forced me to face my demons. He was the one with the courage to bring out my rage and heartbreak and shove it right in front of me for me to deal with. I hated him for it. I admired him for it. Though dealing with my loss sometimes felt like it would break me, I discovered that the pain was steadily easing. The anniversary of Lemerion's death came, and I was not as distraught as I expected.

However, it was still one of those days when I ran away. Running away had been my habit when my arguments with Laril were large. I would run and run until the land became unfamiliar- just like how it had been on that day I took Sulfaer for a ride. I never knew where I was going. I never knew where I would end up. What I did know with absolute surety- Laril would find me. I didn't understand how he did it, and he didn't understand either. That he could do so made sense though. He had found me after Cirabel's death. He had been the one to find me when Silas had me. There was something about our connection that pulled him to my location. Laril rarely said anything when he would discover where I was. He would merely sit by me, hold my hand, or kiss me softly until I was ready for him to lead me back.

Winter was short, and spring was in full bloom again. It was hard for me to accept that I had been home for a year. So much had happened. So much changed. However, it hadn't felt like it had been a year at all. It didn't feel as if that much had truly changed. Everything kept on changing though. Our family of six was going to get even bigger. I had known it was coming, but nothing could have prepared me for the day when Eloril proposed to Erien. We all believed it was a simple outing to the park. We were going to have a nice lunch out in the sun since the rain had been relentless recently. The lunch soon grew into a picnic when other families having the same idea showed up. The new arrivals gave my brother and soon to be sister-in-law a wonderful audience for the occasion.

Eloril didn't make a big show about it. In fact, he didn't make any sort of announcement of what he was going to do. It took Laril furiously tapping me on my shoulder and pointing towards a bench in one of the quiet corners of the park to alert me to the surprise. I was stunned, but Erien was entirely out of it. Her face was expressionless when Eloril asked her to marry him, but there was no mistaking what she felt when her legs gave out and plopped right onto the bench beneath her. It took Eloril teasing her a bit in order to prompt an answer.

That answer, naturally, was a yes.

The two kissed eagerly when the confirmation came- seeing as how this was one of the few times where they were allowed to show physical affection in public without it being disapproved of. The rest of us clapped enthusiastically for them. Eloril gave us a brief smile and wave when his little make-out session was over, but he and Erien ignored us all for a long time as they began talking furiously about all sorts of things.

After about an hour did Eloril come over to me. He gave me a jolt because he came up from behind to wrap his arm around me.

     "Congratulations." I smiled.
     "Thank you very much."
     "I have to know though, how did asking Taragond for Erien's hand go?"

     "Surprisingly, it went incredibly smoothly. I asked for permission. He asked if I was frightened by him. I said no. He said that was good because he would only allow a man not intimidated by him to marry his daughter. It means I have a better character than most or something like that." Eloril explained as he shrugged.

     "Well, I'm glad it went well," I replied, "But I'm surprised it took you so long to ask."
     "I had to make sure you had someone else to take care of your first."
     "You're not going anywhere you know."
     "But I'll be more preoccupied. Mostly though, Erien simply wanted a spring wedding."

I nodded at that. It wouldn't be long until the wedding. Elven engagements were incredibly short. The general time between the proposal and the ceremony was three weeks. I began thinking of what my brother's ceremony would be like when he interrupted my thoughts by kissing me on the cheek.

     "You should be over there kissing you fiancee. Not me." I laughed.
     "I couldn't help it."
     "Because I'm so cute?"
     "Because you look happy."

His expression softened and turned serious at the same time.

     "Are you happy?" Eloril asked.

I paused to think about it. I realized for the first time when I took my next breath that my heart was light in a way it had not been for a very centuries. I had a future to look forward to that I hadn't given myself permission to dream about for Goddess knows how long. Turning my head to glance at Eloril better, I gave him a smile.

     "Yeah......"