Son

A mild fall is being chipped away by the first frosts of winter. The pile of leaves that we worked to make giant is slowly become smaller and smaller as the crisp wind takes the leaves away. Although I do like the snow, winter has never been my favorite season. The energy of the world just vanishes as everything hibernates quietly. I miss having Cadriethiel around. Her excitement for winter made the season made things much more enjoyable.

I called her to see how she was doing, but I mostly wanted to hear her voice. Cadrie told me that she is doing well. Nothing has been too hard, and she's slowly and steadily been moving up in her career. She knows it will take a couple more years at least before she gets any real sort of influence though. Cadrie also told me that Anondil is doing just fine as well. He can finish books faster than she can believe. At first, Cadrie couldn't understand how he wrote so fast. Then she remembered that Anondil doesn't need to sleep like we do.

I wish I had more time to write myself. I've been working on the same one for years. Every couple weeks I have the free time to open the document, and occasionally I will write a couple pages. However, most of the time I only stare at the laptop for the longest time before forcing out a few sentences. It's not that the story isn't coming to me, but my mind wanders too much. I think of what I else I have to do that day, how my children here are doing, and how my children in Appaloosa Plains are as well. Then there's Nikara and Murion. They arrived safely in France, and are having a great time with Yves. Nikara sounds so happy every time I talk to her, but I still worry a little. I suppose worrying about my children is something I'll never been able to avoid though.

Anyway, by the time I finally work through all my thoughts there is something that pops up to distract me. This time it was Moon inviting me to his costume party.

It wasn't my intention to go, but once Iselith and Saradith caught wind of the invitation they kept bugging me about it until I agreed to go. They told me I was too much of a hermit. Such encouraging children, them. Iselith and Saradith went out and got what they felt was the best costume for me. I felt uncomfortable only looking at it. The twins continue to be so pushy about it that I wore it just to get them to leave me alone. I actually thanked the Goddess for Eloril not being here any longer. He would have had a fit if he saw me now.

Due to my unease of being uncomfortable in the costume and having no idea what to do at this type of party, I didn't really approach anyone new. I stuck my friend, Noel, and Moon. It wasn't too long before he asked me to dance. I knew it would not be the traditional style dancing we do at home, but I took a chance and said yes. The dancing turned out to be much easier than I thought. There was no specific movements I needed to know- I only had to copy the swaying motions that Moon did. He looked at me curiously when I laughed after he told me I was a good dancer.

He gave me signals all night that he wanted us to go up to his bedroom like we did before. It had gotten so late by that point that all I could think about was Elridia and Anithien, and if Iselith and Saradith were watching over them properly. I also wasn't swayed by his advances because I've learned that I'm now pregnant with his child, and there has been no proper time to tell him.

I ended up leaving the party first. Before I went home, I took the opportunity to get an ultrasound. I made a hypothetical bet with the doctor that the child would be a girl. It is. Although it seems like it should be impossible, there is always the chance that I may never give birth to a boy again. If it is my fate to have only daughters, then I guess so be it.

I eventually got around to telling Moon the truth on Anithien's birthday. Telling him went worse than I thought. I hadn't realized that not giving him what he wanted and sleeping with him again left him incredibly insulted. He tried to make me feel bad by telling me he had already found another woman to be with. I answered by saying I didn't care at all if we were together. I just wanted to let him know that he's going to be the father of a baby girl. His expression clearly showed that he wasn't very thrilled. Instead, Moon gave me a vague answer as to how involved he was going to be with his daughter.

This reaction is why, even after all this time, it's a difficult and terrifying thing to work up the courage to tell the fathers that they're going to be fathers. I just can't predict how they will react. Then to see how some of them just don't care about the life they've helped create hurts me so.

I know I can't force Moon to care though. All I can do is give him the chance. I send him updates by phone every now and then. At this point, he'll at least talk to me and pretend that he'll take some responsibility. I try not to worry myself too much over him. Instead, I continue to read more recipes. I've finally got most of the ones I've bought down.

I've also be rereading the most recent letters from home. He finally managed to convince ada and naneth to write to me. I can see that he hasn't told them that he told me of the boundary issues. Neither ada or naneth mentioned anything about it. Their letters were unexpectedly formal, but the more I think about it, the more I understand why that it. It's been such a long time since we've seen each or communicated. They probably have no idea what to ask me about since they know nothing of the human lifestyle.

Their carefully writing also made it clear that they didn't want to say anything that might unintentionally hurt or upset me. Eloril had been so worried about me when he left. Of course, he would have told ada and naneth about how I was struggling and their worry would have only increased. I wrote them back a long letter full of happy events so that their heavy hearts would be lightened.

It was when the first real flakes of winter began to fly that I went into labor. Once again, it happened just about as I was going to eat dinner. The girls got flustered as usual. I've long taught them though not to try and convince me to go to the hospital though, even if I don't really despise it as much as I once did. My preference just continues to lie in the comfort of giving birth in my own home. As is becoming quite routine, I gave birth to my daughter after a couple hours. I named her Nioniel.

She went to sleep right away, so I was able to finally eat my dinner. I almost called Moon. However, it was getting late and I was exhausted. It didn't feel like the right moment to potentially bring in drama and stress.

Even though I've just had Nioniel, Elridia's birthday has given me the freedom to try for yet another child. I can afford the close timing since I have so many older girls around to help out. Though I love all of these girls dearly, I want to try to change my current fate and have another boy. The desire is so strong that I can scarce think of anything else.

I took a long walk to get away from all the houses that had people I knew. I need to find people I haven't met before. Luck shined on me that day. The people here are very friendly, and so when someone noticed me from their house, they invited me inside so that I would be out of the cold. I accepted the offer. There just so happened to be a man named Kedo Heart living there. I didn't bother making a comment about his hair. Compared to the multiple blue colors in Rigel and Iselith's hair, Mr. Heart's green hair was rather plain. Thankfully, he was the type that was waiting for an opportunity like me to come along. It was only about half an hour before we were in the bedroom.

Mr. Rossi brought his son, Ramon, over to play with Elridia. While the two of them went to play in the snow, Mr. Rossi and I spent the time talking. He got around to telling me that he had been promoted to Governor. Since I had no idea what that was, he explained it to me. I then used a lot of our time together asking him questions about the political system here and how it worked. Mr. Rossi was rather excited at first to answer everything I put out there. It seems most people in the human world, this country at least, don't pay much attention to how politics work or even who is governing them. He eventually realized that I had an ulterior motive for finding out so much information.

He asked me if I was interested in being involved in politics. Not really, I said, but then I broke through my comfort zone to tell him a lot about my land and there conflict surrounding the border. Mr. Rossi admitted that he hadn't heard anything about that, but now he was interested. He would do some research before seeing if there was anything he could do to help. It was at least possible for him to give Cadrie a good recommendation to help her on her way.

It has been a long time since I've been so glad to have met someone.

After a couple days, I finally went ahead and called Moon to tell him that Nioniel had been born. He said he figured that was the case because I had stopped calling him. Next, he claimed that he was very bust at work but that he would come over eventually. By this point, I don't care either way. If Moon isn't motivated to be here during Nioniel's most darling years, then it's his loss.

When Nioniel had her birthday and became a toddler, I was surprised to see fair hair and blue eyes. I know that children almost always inherit the darker features of their parents. While Nioniel has Moon's nose and tan skin, I fear that Moon might use Nioniel's fair coloring as an excuse to say she's not his child and no longer have to come around. It actually helped that he continued to say he was too busy at work. I'm sure more of Moon's features will come out as Nioniel grows. Then Moon won't be able to deny anything.

I was so nervous and excited when the time came for me to find out what gender the child now growing inside me would be. Humorously, I ended up having the same doctor I had last time. He asked me if I wanted to make another hypothetical bet. Not wanting to jinx anything, I wanted to remain quiet until we knew for certain. I remember holding my breath for almost the entire time of the ultrasound. It was if I never knew how to breathe the few seconds before the doctor revealed the gender. I almost cried of happiness when I got the news that I would finally be having another boy.

Unfortunately, Kedo seemed just as excited as Moon did at my reveal of his becoming a father.

My hope for Moon and Kedo rises though when Vincentio comes around to visit. Interestingly, he's like an older version of Charlie. I haven't though about Charlie in a long time, and I miss having him around. I am glad that in the end he found someone to love and marry him where I couldn't.

Marriage. That's also something I haven't thought about in a long time. Eloril's appearance really did make me feel better about going back home. It showed me that I might have been thinking so poorly about my people. I let myself believe too fully that they would reject me in their hearts for sleeping with so many men. However, now I have the confidence that most of them will understand. My existence here is the decision of the Goddess. She created us and gave us life, so I'm just doing my part by following her wishes.

Unfortunately, there is still the feeling within my heart that no elven man will want me despite their understanding. This thought doesn't bother me as much as it once did. I have probably unconsciously accepted the truth within my heart.

Still, it would have been nice to have someone there with me when I went into labor. I had no other choice but to lock Nioniel in the room with me. Iselith, Saradith, Anithien, and Elridia were all at school, and Nioniel couldn't be left without attention for the couples hours it would take to deliver the child.

And yet, despite the inconvenience, I finally had what I so strongly desired. As my new son rested in my arms, I gently whispered his name to him- Pararil......