Thank You

I made a promise with Yves that I would send him as many pictures of Nikara as possible. I took this one to send to him. She inherited his reddish-brown hair and my green eyes. It was a strange feeling to see my first child and my youngest child together like this. They are siblings, but are ages apart. Elrun looks even older next to his toddler sister. Although I've spending a lot of time with him recently, I wish I could have spared more time for him throughout his adult years. I was so busy then that I was content with frequent calls and the occasional appearance. Now I never want to let him out of my sight.

Elrun asked me what was wrong when he saw my fallen face. I told him about my desire. Elrun says if I want to be with him more then we can fix that. Since he never married nor had children, the house has been quiet ever since Ureliel moved out to live with Humberto. Elrun asked if it might be possible to allow him to live with me once more. It was an absolutely inspired idea. Elrun took care of putting the house on the market while Eloril and I rounded up a couple others to help us move Elrun's things. We changed the unused office space into a bedroom for him.

It's not something that is easy to explain, but having Elrun under my roof just makes me feel right inside. Maybe it's because I've grown up believing that parents and children should always remain together. Elven houses are very large because they're meant for all generations to live together. When children marry, their parents move into the house the children select. This has to be why my children leaving for good upsets me so, and why having Elrun here has fixed what has always felt wrong.

Even after only a couple days, the entire atmosphere of the house has changed. Threlad, Anondil, and Cadrie love having Elrun around. Some days their relationship seems like that of normal siblings, and on others that of grandfather and grandchildren. Elrun loves to dote on them to no end.

After watching him spoil them for a little while, I had to ask him if he regretted never marrying or having children. Elrun started by saying that he spent so much time on work. There was never any time to really meet others, and he would have felt bad since he wouldn't have had time to spend with a family like he wanted. Then despite all that hard time-consuming work, he never achieved his ultimate dream of being an astronaut either. There are many things he regrets and many things he wishes he could have done.

Still, he is happy with the way his life turned out. Elrun admitted that he misses the days when it was just the two of us in that small house. He liked how we relied on the other, that we could be happy and laugh without so many fancy things around us, and that the struggle became an adventure that we faced together. Elrun was glad that he got to go through those hard times with me.

Anondil's birthday came, and it marked a special accomplishment for Eloril, Elrun, and I. Now that Anondil is growing into a young man, the fear that he'll be taken or abused by the military has all but vanished. We're all so glad that he was able to make it this far and live a normal, happy life. I am most thankful that Elrun reasoned me into taking care of Anondil. I cannot imagine the guilt I would feel now if I had insisted otherwise. Whatever would have happened to him would have been on my hands. Of course, I am still immensely grateful to Anondil as well. Not only has he erased my hatred for the alien kind, but he brought Eloril back as well. I am beginning to think that the events that happen to me have more purpose behind them that what I can see at first.

We all stayed up late celebrating, so it was difficult getting the children up and moving the next morning. Threlad and Anondil both tried to convince me to let them stay home, but I was having none of that. I went about my morning normally after they finally left. As the day progressed closer to lunch time, the thought struck me that I hadn't seen anything of Elrun yet. I believed him to still be sleeping. I didn't think my world would come crashing down by going to check on him.

I smiled when I first saw Elrun because his peaceful sleeping reminded me back to the times of when I used to watch him sleeping when he was very young. It was right when I was about to close the door to let him sleep more when I realized that Elrun looked too peaceful. In truth, I did not want to check for I knew I would only confirm my fear. Still, I moved closer to see that my son's chest was not moving. I could feel no pulse when I held his wrist.

I lost the strength to stand. The same question of why that burdened my mind at the beginning of this task returned to me now. Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't my children be immortal? Why couldn't what I passed down to them be enough to keep them here with me? I knew this horrible moment of losing my precious child was inevitable, but it always seemed like it was in the distance. Things had been going so well. I was truly happy.

Why?

The world was so silent to me, but I must have been crying loudly for Eloril suddenly rushed into the room. All I remember is him holding me tightly. I never thought it was possible for one's heart to feel both so constricted and nonexistent at the same time. What happened after Eloril led me to my room is all a blur. The hours passed in seconds. The children returned home to hear the awful news. I could hear them crying, and I only closed my eyes tighter.

I thought I was dreaming when I found myself suddenly standing outside of our old house, but no, I was actually there. Had someone brought me here? Had I walked here myself? I must have for I didn't bother to change clothes. It's not like such a thing even matters anyway......

It was barely possible to see through the iced window. However, it's easy to see that someone else lives here now. I can't help but to feel anger towards them. I might have hated this house when I first arrived, but it has become special to me. It is the place where I made so many treasured memories. Now these new people are walking all over them. They are changing this place, and taking away what is important to me.

I have not said this for a long time- I hate humans.

I hate that beings so destructive and selfish can still be kind and loveable. I hate that this place accepted me when I wished that everyone I saw never existed. I hate that they have come to hold such a fond spot in my heart, and yet they will all leave me. I hate that I can be thankful even now- that I can think of Rodney and be grateful to him for what he gave me.

I actually began to feel cold, and so I returned home. Eloril didn't bother hassling me trying to figure out where I had gone, but he just held me once more.

It tore my heart open again to see everyone else be just as pained. Anondil tried to appear strong, but he cried without restraint. He owes his life much more to Elrun than he does to me. If Elrun hadn't protected him by both convincing me and keeping his existence secret from his superiors, Anondil would have been taken by the military. His life, if he had kept it, would have been torture and void of meaning. Elrun worked hard all this time to make sure that never happened.

The worst thing about all of this? It was harder to accept the fact that life has to go on than it was to watch Elrun's coffin be lowered in the ground. I have to keep moving forward without him around to encourage me and build be back up when I'm at my lowest. The only person who would know exactly what to do to help me is the one who is gone. Eloril and the others try, but there's not a lot they can do.

But yes, life keeps shoving me along despite my resistance. Both Threlad and Cadriethiel had their birthdays. I tried to be happy for them. However, now another child is leaving me. I want Threlad to stay so badly, and yet he wants so desperately to be out on his own. It is for his sake that I have no choice but to let him go.

Threlad asked if before he moved out that we could throw a gift-giving party on Snowflake Day. I said no, but Threlad ignored me and got permission from Eloril instead. I let him get away with it only because I lack the energy needed to be angry. Just getting up and going about the day drains me.

Happily, the party did much more to lift my spirits than I ever thought possible. All, well all save for one, of my children were finally gathered together in the same place. Never before have we had the chance to be the one big family that we are. Though I couldn't laugh along with them, just having my sons and daughters joking and teasing one another raised me from the dark place I had gone to. Somehow, I even found the strength to smile.

Everyone had to leave at the end of the day, and this time, Threlad was going to leave with them. However, before he did he gave me an envelope with a picture inside. Threlad said that Elrun had given it to him to give to me after he had passed away. He wanted it to make me smile. It was an old picture- Elrun's prom picture to be exact. I had never seen it before, probably because Elrun was too embarrassed to show it.

Seeing the picture made me cry, but not entirely out of sadness as you might think. Elrun was still watching over me even though he had passed on. I am his mother, but he has always done a better job of making sure I was looked after. I can feel his presence coming from the picture. Although his body aged so old, it is this handsome young boy that I remember and will be eternally grateful for. I am so glad that he was my firstborn. I really wouldn't have gotten so far or found such happiness without him.

And so for that, I thank you, my dear Elrunamir......