Motherhood

It is amazing how one day can completely change how I think and feel. Only yesterday I thought the scariest thing in the world was how I was going to give birth by myself. Now I am recovering from that, and have found something even more frightful in the passing time. My fear is if I will be able to raise this child of mine properly alone. I have watched over children before, yet their mothers had always been close by. Will I know what to do when Elrunamir is hurting? Will I be able to guide him through life's challenges? Will I even be able to afford what he needs?

Elrun wakes and cries often, but most of the time all he needs is my touch for him to calm down. Honestly, I was unsure of what I would feel for my children when they were born. This task has and always will be undesirable. I might get used to the seducing of men, but I will never enjoy it. Then there's the fact that this child I'm holding is half human. He's half of what I hate the most. He's half of the man who went to sleep with another woman hours after he finished with me.

And yet, Elrun is also half of the people that I love the most. He has the same inside beauty of his namesake, and the same smile of my mother. More importantly than any of that, Elrun is half of me. We look completely different so some moments it's hard to believe we're connected in such a way, but I always know it is true in my heart. He's part of me. That's what I focus on. I love him more than I ever imagined- to the point where I am almost scared at how greatly I adore him.

Pregnancy

I woke up the following morning on the couch. I obviously must have moved there some time during the night, but I couldn't recall ever getting up. That day was a strange day. I ate my breakfast, washed the bedding thoroughly, did some painting, and read a book. I waited and waited for the strong depression I expected to hit me. However, the day was closing before I knew it. The next day was the same. The day after that as well. In fact, the days and weeks began moving by in a blue. It is true that as an immortal I am used to the ages moving past me in the blink of an eye, yet ever since my experience with Rodney it was if I have payed attention to nothing. That night had been awful, but I otherwise felt...normal. Changed and desperate for home, but normal. Each day I simply got up to live what had become my life. Nothing out of routine happened. The only new task I had to face was fixing the objects in my house that suddenly began breaking all the time. It was beyond me how I managed to restore everything to its usual condition. Mostly what I end up doing is fiddling around with the many screws, and the problem resolves itself.

About a month after that night, I received a call from Ms. Bird. Although I originally thought she wasn't someone I wanted to know due to her "career", she has proven to be surprisingly kind and helpful. She was the only one around town I moderately knew as she made a point to call me every other day. Her call was expected, but the information she had for me was not. She was curious if I had heard what was going on with Rodney. I did not know. He had been surprisingly distant. It was a strange change from the polite man I had known. It was Ms. Bird's call that would show me the Rodney I had known was not who he actually was at all. Apparently, he had stated romantic intentions towards a woman named Gracie Loveland. Ms. Bird was stunned her had, for Rodney was known for hopping around from woman to woman. The two had been keeping their secret relationship.

Ms. Bird then revealed to me the date when Rodney had stated his intentions towards this Ms. Loveland. It had been on the same evening when we had spent time together. My heart sank further when Ms. Bird continued talking and I learned Ms. Loveland had been seen shopping for something called "emergency contraceptives" the following morning. When I realized what such a thing was, I understood what the two had been doing. The phone call ended, and I sat down on the couch in despair. I harbored no romantic feelings towards Rodney. There was not the slightest chance that we would ever end up together. However, I was still deeply hurt. His kind manner had only been a trick to convince me to give him what he wanted. He had gotten, and he had moved on. How important our time together had been and what it had meant for me was not a concern of his in the slightest. My emotions and my struggles were insignificant.

Loneliness

It has been about a week since I left my home. The town that had been chosen for me to reside in is a great distance away from the elven lands. The contact took me there in some contraption called a car, and we traveled at a high speed every day. We only stopped to eat at places called fast food restaurants. Since I had no idea what they offered, the contact ordered for me. I cannot fathom how you humans suffer through such food or much less enjoy it. I quickly learned that the only option I could stomach from those places were the salads they served. Even then I had trouble forcing myself to place that fake food into my mouth. I hoped that normal meals would be less repulsive. Otherwise, I would starve long before I got anywhere close to returning home.

The contact and I stopped at inns to sleep, although he told me they were called hotels here. During our days of driving I had nothing to keep me entertained other than the "music" the contact had playing. It was only noise to me. I thought I was going to lose my mind. Relief actually overcame me when we reached the town- Appaloosa Plains. I expected the human side to be full of desolation and sickened land, but it seemed not everything had been corrupted yet. Though the appearance of the town was strange compared to what I am used to, it was still beautiful nonetheless. The same could not be said for my house.