The park was full of children laughing and merrily screaming as they played. And by children, I mean my teenage friends. There were few actual little ones on the lot, and they were all enjoying themselves in much quieter ways. It was the ones who should have been acting that way who were acting like they were five. Amaranth and Allium were the ones who had started off the crazy game of tag that they, Sunset, and Sunflower were participating in. Allium had claimed that he could finally outrun Amaranth, which had been the wrong move. The two began chasing each other as if stopping meant they would die, and poor Sunset and Sunflower got caught in the crossfire. Needless to say considering how many times Allium was 'it', he was still highly unable to outrun Amaranth.
It was easy enough for me to ignore the chaos. The noise my friends were making when spread out across the park was nothing like the insanity they created when all crammed into my car as I drove them around. I only even remembered they were there when the game was brought close to where Frost and I were sitting.
"Ugh! I thought being at the park would be relaxing. I can't concentrate with this noise!" he complained as he focused his gaze harder on his notebook.
The six of us had all been doing our homework earlier. Well, Frost and I had been helping everyone else do their homework. It was impossible for us to make it through one of our study sessions without the two of us turning into tutors. With all our attention focused on everyone else's work, it was a wonder it was a surprise when the other four couldn't believe we still had our own work to do by the time they were done and ready to goof off. It didn't help that my homework and Frost's was incredibly more difficult given our schedule of almost entirely AP level classes. I gave Frost a friendly pat on the back. I knew his struggle well.
"What part are you working on?" I asked.
"I'm trying to finish this essay on how the creation of the Separatist Alliance influenced the Eastern Trade Conference, but I keep confusing the Meeting of Advisers with the Collaboration of Advisers. Why did they have to give two different but similar events that happened at totally distinct times similar names?"
"Um, Frost," I began hesitantly, "You do know the Separatist Alliance wasn't formed until after the Eastern Trade Conference had been dissolved, right? Shouldn't you be talking about how the Alliance influenced the Eastern Traders Union?"
"What!?"
Frost practically slammed his notebook into his face as he checked his work. A massive, mischievous grin appeared on my face, and I couldn't stop myself from laughing when he glared at me.
"You go ahead and laugh! Don't mind the heart attack you just gave me. I tell you I'm confusing two events already, and you think it's a good idea to trick me into thinking I messed up the ETC and the ETU too? I seriously just believed this whole paper was worthless."
"Sorry." I apologized, but I was still laughing.
Frost scoffed, shook his head, and then laughed himself.
"I'm just gonna give up on this at the moment. I'm going to make it a big mess if I try to finish it with my brain all scrambled thanks to them!" he said, half yelling out his last words to our friends running around.
All of them either didn't hear or ignored him.
"How about we head back you your place? It's much more private there." I suggested with heavily sarcastic sensuality.
"Yeah, it'd be easier to concentrate on what's right in front of me." Frost played along, staring right into my eyes as he gave me his best flirty face.
We both burst out into more laughter seconds later. There was no way we could keep that kind of talk up for long. The scandalous rumor that had caused me so much grief had all but faded into oblivion the second the information for homecoming got out. It, and not me, was the lone thing the school was talking about now. In fact, the rumor had become sort of a joke with me and my friends. Frost and I especially messed around with it whenever we could.
He and I were still giggling when Allium dashed over to us. He bent over, heaving and gasping before letting out a massive exhale as he regained better control of his breathing.
"Will one of you two please play with us? Am won't stop, and only you two are fast enough to keep him distracted." he panted the request.
"Don't ask me. You do realize that you're the one who brought this on yourself?" Frost reminded him with a raised brow.
"I know! I'm not that much of an idiot," Allium pouted, "Meadow? Will you save me?"
I had to give him a sympathetic smile. I also had to check my phone.
"Sorry, Charming, you know I actually need to leave soon." I told him.
My eyes turned wide when I glanced down at the time my phone showed me.
"Actually, I need to leave now. I didn't realize how late it's gotten. I'm totally behind." I panicked slightly as I began shoving all my stuff into my bag.
"Ah, right. Meadow's got a daaaate," Allium said in a sing-song voice, "With Sap. You've got a date with Sap. Sap Celadon Spring is your date."
"It's not a date, and you don't need to say it so many times like that. We're just going to check out that new tea shop and then chill out."
It was pretty much technically what we were doing, but there was something that made me adverse to admitting that Sap and I were dating. I think the two of us were still getting used to the idea, which is why neither of us ever called our dates by what they were. I know for me, saying I was going on a date was especially harder whenever Allium was around. He had been true to his word so far, for there hadn't been one single thing he had done or said that gave me the impression that he was clinging onto his rejection. Allium treated me as a friend exactly as he had always done. He teased me about the situation exactly how I expected him to tease me about it. There was no hidden disdain towards Sap or hurt feelings when I glanced into his eyes.
In fact, I think I was the one who hadn't moved past Allium's little shocking reveal of him finding me attractive as a potential partner. It had changed something within me, though I was loathe to admit it. I couldn't be around Allium without noticing things about him that I never noticed before- most particularly how he smelled and how his clothes fit him. Every smile, laugh, and little hug he gave me had started sending those bouncing feelings I felt when I was with Sap rather crazy too. There was no stopping how nervous I would get or how warm I felt. Of course, I kept every single one of those things a total secret. I was even trying to keep them a secret to myself. Given that I was only just beginning to test the romantic waters with Sap, to feel something else towards another guy at the same time would be far too overwhelming when the last thing I needed was for my life to get more complicated.
Allium teasing me accidentally made me drop some of my stuff. He apologized until he jokingly said he had done it on purpose. Sunset, noticing my struggle, had come over and promised to bring my bookbag back to my house for me so that I could go ahead and leave. That resulted in Amaranth and Sunflower coming over as well, which ended the game of tag. Allium claimed that had been his grand plan for getting the game to stop. I barely had time to roll my eyes before I dashed off. I seriously was late. And, of course, it was Eden's turn to have complete access to the car. There was no choice for me but to have run all the way down to the beach where Sap and I were due to meet, which was highly infuriating when I began to sweat slightly. The colder weather coming in had us all dressing warmer, but the warmer clothing was too warm when mixed with physical exertion. I had spent a lot of time that morning making sure my appearance was on point. Meeting Sap looking like I had run a marathon was not what I wanted. Part of me hoped he would be late too, but naturally he was there right where he was supposed to be. I suspected he would turn around right away when he heard me coming, but he was apparently too into texting whoever he was texting.
"Sap?" I said when I was right behind him.
When he didn't respond or turn in the slightest, I assumed he was mad.
"I'm sorry I'm a little late." I apologized.
Still nothing.
"Sap? I'm sorry?" I spoke again, frowning slightly.
I could understand that he had the right to be mildly irritated, but to be so upset as to ignore me completely? That didn't seem right, especially not with Sap. I had seen Bud and Pistachio do worse things that he hadn't even batted an eyelid at. However, that only left me with the answer that he seriously wasn't hearing me. I was a mere two feet away though. How he could not hear me? In the end, there was just one way to find out what was going on. I hunched over, and then I pounced.
"BOO!" I shouted at him as I leapt his way ever so slightly.
That finally got me a reaction. Sap leapt higher than I did while letting out a very uncharacteristic cry of alarm.
"God! Make me keel over why don't you!" he half panted, his hand pressed over his chest that I'm sure was racing.
I chuckled lightly until his small glare of anger didn't disappear.
"I'm sorry," I was back to apologizing, "It's just that I was standing right here talking to you, and you weren't responding at all. I thought a tiny jolt would get your attention. I never meant to frighten you so badly."
"No, it's alright," Sap shook his head, his tone quickly calming, "I was just texting my dad. He's letting me get more involved in helping him with his businesses, so my mind's been trapped in all the logistical stuff regarding that."
The guilt that had been growing subsided, and I perked up again.
"Really? That sounds interesting. What exactly are you getting to do now?" I wondered.
"Eh, I'd actually like the stop thinking about it for a while. Tell me what's going on with you instead." Sap replied.
I took on the change of direction with ease. It had been a few days since I had seen Sap, and we hadn't talked on the phone or texted much either. That was mostly because he had been so slow responding to everything, although I did have a proper reason for that now though. Bud and Pistachio clearly weren't the type to join their parents in running their business enterprise, but for as long as I knew Sap that was all he wanted to do. I could understand him getting swept away by the opportunity of finally digging himself deeper into his dream.
It was my expectation that he would want to tell me all about it, but as the minutes passed I found myself getting winded. I was talking so much. Sap was barely talking at all. It wasn't that I didn't give him the opportunity. No matter how hard I tried it was next to impossible to get him going for more than a few seconds. That was when he would pass the job of continuing the conversation back to me. I began to grow somewhat concerned. Sap didn't seem as at ease as normal. He looked more serious and solemn, but of course with him deflecting all questions about himself I wasn't about to get an explanation. Being optimistic and passing off his change of attitude as something brought about merely by momentary tiredness or stress, I suggested we head along to the tea shop to change the tone of the situation.
It had been Sap's idea to check out the shop. It was a highly peculiar place: a tea shop on a house boat base. He had originally planned on taking Bud and Pistachio since I didn't really like tea, but they were too addicted to their mainstream coffee shops to agree to go. I changed my mind afterwards. I partly felt bad for Sap, I partly just wanted another excuse to go out with him, and I partly wanted to give the tea a try. I could potentially like it if it was brewed differently. The shop had a gentle, quiet atmosphere about it. However, I was distracted by something it had outside.
"What's this? A crystal ball?" I asked as I peered into the glass.
"I think it's a moon dial. I've heard they're only ever accurate on the night of a full moon." Sap replied.
"Interesting. Oh, I think this one gives you a horoscope." I pointed out.
There was a small touch screen on the large rim surrounding the orb. Each astrology icon was shown on it. I pressed mine, and the screen morphed to reveal some text.
"It says I will have great success," I read before pausing in slight embarrassment, "Especially in love."
I glanced Sap's way, but I avoided his direct gaze. I probably should have kept the last part to myself, for even mentioning that word had me turning nervous and had my chest bouncing around again. I wondered if Sap wasn't ready to bring up the big "L" word either. He turned rather stiff in that moment.
"Astrology is just a load of nonsense. There's no point in believing anything related to it." he said.
"It can be good for some harmless fun every once in a while."
"For me, it's always useless." Sap shrugged.
He pulled away from that corner after that, so I moved away from the moon dial to follow him into the shop. There wasn't much to it other than the counter and an 'alchemy station' that added to the decor. I was somewhat disappointed since I was excepting something a bit more intricate, but with the limited amount of space the shop had to work with I realized I couldn't be picky. Sap and I mulled over the menu for the longest time. It wasn't like he was a big tea drinker either, so we knew little about the ingredients or mixes we might enjoy. Eventually, he went with some 'green leaf' concoction and I with some 'little petal' one. We sat outside and drank since there was no room inside to do so. The conversation was slow again, even when Sap finished his drink and had no reason why his mouth was too preoccupied to talk. I was slower finishing my tea. The taste wasn't awful, but my tongue was taking its sweet time adjusting to it. When I reached the bottom third of the cup was when I finally got a mildly normal response out of Sap.
"These people are so lucky to live right on the beach." I spoke wistfully as I glanced towards the houses on the coast.
"Isn't living in a house that's a six minute walk to the ocean close enough?" Sap asked in light amusement.
"Nope." I responded likewise.
"I don't know. I can't help but think of all the sand they're constantly tracking inside. It would be a nightmare to keep that place clean."
"True." I agreed.
I took another sip before sighing.
"You happen to want the rest of this?" I asked Sap, "It's not bad, but I just don't like it enough to finish it."
"Nah, I'm okay."
"I suppose there's not much left. I don't have to feel too bad about ditching it."
Sap nodded before suggesting we take a walk on the beach after I tossed away my cup. I was down for a walk. The tea shop, though it was nice and had a good atmosphere, clearly wasn't doing much for us that moment. I know I certainly relaxed some as Sap and I slowly winded our way down the coast towards the familiar main beach. It was empty due to the colder weather, and empty was how I preferred it. In fact, it was because there was a certain person not around that I suddenly grew giddily excited.
"What are you doing?" Sap called after me as I began running towards the raised platform near the water.
I left him behind without responding. I took the steps up that platform two at a time, and I accidentally bumped my leg as I practically jumped into my goal. However, I was far too happy to care.
"The lifeguard chair? Really?" Sap laughed at me in exasperation when he caught up.
"I've always wanted to sit in it, but I've never gotten the chance. It's a good feeling." I explained with a goofy smile, "The horizon is beautiful."
"You and your love of the horizon. You should become a sailor. Then a horizon is pretty much all you'll see."
"Hmm, that might be a bit too much. This view is alright."
"You gonna get off there soon?"
"Nope."
"Thought so. Well, I'll be down here building a sandcastle then whenever you decide you've had enough fun in the chair." Sap chuckled.
I couldn't help myself. Sitting in that chair made me feel powerful, and I really did love that view of the ocean and unending horizon. I would be lying if I said I didn't get randomly scared every once in a while that everything would fall apart in a flash. Something could happen to Eden. I could be found. I could be trapped in an even worse prison than the one I had known. They were all frighteningly realistic outcomes. When peaceful moments where I could just gather my courage staring out at the freedom I did have came, I did all I could to make them last as long as possible. It was several minutes later when I forced myself away though. I couldn't make Sap wait forever. Thankfully, he did seem to be having fun making that sandcastle of his. The finishing touches were going on it when I made my way over.
"It's a work of art." I praised.
"Thank you very much," Sap said while he took a picture of that work, "It's the first time in forever where I can remember actually completing one without Bud or 'Chio sneaking over to kick it down."
"Now that you say that, the idea is very tempting." I teased.
"Go ahead. I'm satisfied that I finished it, and I got a picture to keep this grand occasion firm in my memories for eternity." Sap offered.
When I hesitated, he went ahead and gave the castle a good kick himself. It took half the thing out. That broke my barriers. Within seconds, the two of us were swinging our feet like wrecking balls. The poor castle didn't stand a chance.
Sap was fully back to normal. We had just needed to get moving. That's what I thought after that point. I only wish that could have been the truth. Everything was fine until we started walking away from the beach. Unfortunately, the situation then reverted back to me talking a lot and struggling to get much of anything out of him. I could get the conversation going for a few sentences or so, yet Sap's more solemn expression would return afterwards, although he attempted to hide it. Running out of excuses, I came to the conclusion that perhaps more lively fun would kick Sap out of his funk. I didn't entertain thoughts that there was a more serious underlying reason for his lack of enthusiasm. I didn't want to think of what that could mean.
The all-ages dance club became our destination. The place was practically dead due to the early afternoon hour. Sap and I were the lone people in there besides the man tending the drink counter. I marked that as the reason my plan didn't work, still refusing to believe that Sap was dealing with something I couldn't cure instead. He and I danced, practice for homecoming I called it, for maybe ten minutes. I knew I felt silly dancing with him in that empty room. The worker ignored us for the most part, but it wouldn't be help that were were what he stared at given that he had nothing else to do. Sap definitely felt silly too. We sat at one of the bubble pop tables for a few songs, but soon we called it quits.
Unfortunately, a decent rain had picked up while we had been inside. With neither of us having brought umbrellas or raincoats, there was no chance we were walking all the way back home. Sap called a taxi service to come get us, and we chose to wait outside under the awning. Even with the rain, the cool outside world felt fresh and inviting. It was also free from the occasional glance from the worker inside. I wasn't able to enjoy the weather though for the situation between Sap and I remained the same. He was totally unenthused despite how badly he was trying to hide it, and getting the sentences I got out of him was like pulling teeth.
"I think I'll have the taxi take me home." I said into the silence.
"Are you getting tired?" Sap asked, looking right at me for the first time in several minutes.
"Not really. I'm just not having as much fun as I thought I would," I sighed, "From how little you're talking and how often you're staring into space, I have the feeling you're not really in the mood for hanging out. I get that you suddenly have more on your plate now, so I don't want to bother you or make you feel obligated to entertain me for hours."
"Meadow, no, I-" Sap began almost urgently, "I'm sorry. You're right that I've got more to deal with. I want to hang out with you and I have been having fun, but it seems I'm having trouble pulling myself out of my thoughts. It's a bad habit I have whenever I get somewhat stressed."
"I think I should still go home then. Let you have the time to think through everything without distraction."
"I mean what I said earlier- I don't want to think about it for a while. I need a break, and I know despite what it looks like you are helping me out massively." Sap pressed with a tiny, encouraging smile.
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
He said that, but I couldn't be so confident in his words. I knew him too well. Something uncertain and hesitant was lurking in his eyes.
"Let's not worry about where to go next and head to my house. It'll stop us from having to fret about this rain. Besides, it's the first time in forever where everyone else is out. I've completely forgotten what it sounds like when the house is empty." Sap suggested, preventing me from pondering what was going on for that moment.
"Sounds good." I went ahead and agreed.
Sap made a noticeable effort in being a more active participant in our time together, but I became unable to shake that hesitation of mine. What was most frustrating was that I couldn't figure out what was so wrong. Sap clearly had some bothersome thoughts going on in that mind of his, but why on earth would him stressing out about helping his dad make me worry to the extent which I began to worry? What else was I missing? It didn't help when it dawned on me when we got to the house that Sap wasn't making much eye contact. Actually, he really hadn't looked at me properly besides when we had been standing outside the club. Never before had he avoided my gaze so determinedly.
I wasn't familiar with Sap's house as I was Amaranth's or Sunset's, but the mood was indeed totally different with Sap's parents, Bud, and Pistachio gone. The place was so quiet it felt as if I shouldn't even speak. The amount of privacy in a place that was usually so devoid of it was both refreshing and quite weird.
"Sooo, what are you in the mood for?" I asked as Sap and I began settling in after drying off the little we had gotten wet.
"Hmm, good question. I know the rain tends to make me lazy. Perhaps let's just watch a movie and load up on snacks?" he suggested.
It worked for me. A movie would keep us both distracted while requiring little conversation or effort on our part. About to agree, Sap stopped me when he turned and spotted something that changed his mind.
"Oh, 'Chio left her speakers out. I actually did enjoy dancing. Let's get some more practice in for homecoming- even if there's going to be little real dancing done." Sap shrugged in amusement.
"Okay."
Well, if Sap was the one taking initiative then I was fine with dancing too. We had done so much of it in Tropic Luna, and I had loved it then. Things picked up dancing in Sap's house too. Without anyone to watch us, the experience wasn't anywhere near as awkward as it was in the club. The tension began to clear up, and I started to enjoy myself once more.
However, there was no way I could have ever prepared for what would soon happen.
What was going on in Sap's head remained a complete mystery to me for those few songs we danced to. Being held like I was, there was no choice but for me to look directly at his face. Those thoughts of his never stopped. He appeared to have a million of them bouncing all over the place. This strange sort of almost haze glazed over his eyes as he grew quieter and quieter again. Part of me wondered if I was doing something similar, for I couldn't deny that my mind was going all of the place too as I tried to work out my peculiar circumstances.
I believed that was the case when it finally dawned on me that there was something going on that I wasn't aware of. The distance between Sap and I steadily closed. Jolted out of my mind when we were right up against each other, everything moved forward in a blur. An expression I had never seen spread across Sap's face. My heart began racing as his brought his head lower and lower until it was touching mine as we moved in that slow circle. Truthfully, I did panic slightly. I would have had to be an exceptional idiot to not anticipate what was about to happen. However, part of me couldn't accept reality. I hadn't thought for a moment that day would lead to where it was leading. The atmosphere certainly hadn't been conducive to such a thing. It pulled towards the opposite, in all honesty. I struggled with whether or not I wanted Sap to continue with things having been so fretful. Being so close as to feel his breath against my skin, I willed myself to stop analyzing everything. I would be lying if I said I hadn't daydreamed about the current situation. I definitely would have liked the hours leading up to it to have gone a little differently, but I wasn't going to throw away my chance due to something like that.
I tried not to have my instinctive jolt of surprise show when Sap's lips touched mine. Now my heart and mind were truly racing. All the romance movies I had watched, all the stories I had heard, all my own imaginations- none of them could prepare me for what I would actually feel when the grand moment came. However, I think I had built up the moment too much. Sap deciding to kiss me out of nowhere after some awkward time together was nothing like all the passionate and romantic declarations of true love like what one saw in those movies. It was much more realistic. I also thought at that point that I still couldn't help but to be led too much by my logical thoughts and not my emotions, for I had to admit my slight disappointment. It was true my heart was racing like crazy, but those bouncing emotions that made me feel light and wonderful were nowhere to be found. The kiss was a soft one that was just lips and no tongue, but still I couldn't help but remark how it felt bizarre and perhaps a little weird. I didn't hate that moment, but the lack of magic I had dreamed of was draining the fun out of it.
Several seconds, six or so, was how long the kiss lasted. Only a few seconds, two or three, was how long it took for my heart to drop deep into my chest as a chilling sensation swept over me. Despite everything, the tiniest of smiles was on my lips when Sap pulled away. The expression on Sap's face, however, wasn't the kind of expression you wanted to see on your partner's face after you've kissed. It wasn't happy. It was regretful. He instantly put on a fake smile, but the way he further pulled away and shifted nervously wasn't going to fool anyone.
"Sap?" I asked hesitantly, for I was aware everything was about to turn terrible even though I hoped with all my strength that it wouldn't, "What's wrong?"
He went right back to not being able to look me in the eye. It was apparent by the faces he was pulling that he didn't want to say anything for he knew it would set me off.
"Sap." I prodded harder when the silence continued.
"I'm sorry."
It wasn't an apology for his delayed response. It was an apology for something much more than that.
"Sorry? Sorry for what?" I prompted, despite that I didn't actually want to know.
"I shouldn't have-" he mumbled, "I...it's not your fault. There was...just nothing there."
Did that make me chest constrict painfully! Now it was total confusion and fear my mind was reeling with. I had been willing to trust Sap despite my reservations, and now he was coming right out and saying it was a waste?
"T-that's alright," I encouraged in desperation, "It's only been a few weeks. We just moved a little too-"
"No," Sap shook his head, "More time won't make a difference. If nothing is there, if nothing has been there, then nothing's going to be there."
My mouth dropped open. Sap couldn't possibly have just revealed what it sounded like he revealed.
"Nothing has been there?" I repeated, my mouth turning dry, "Nothing can't have been there!"
Sap cringed. He was turning pale, and I'm sure I was doing the same. Emptiness consumed the chest that had been so full and energetic not even half a minute earlier.
"I'm sorry," Sap repeated with more determination though his voice wavered, "Meadow, I'm seriously sorry. I didn't mean for it to turn out like this."
His implore towards me did nothing to break me out of the shock that, somehow, my short-lived romance was about to come crashing into an abrupt end.
"I thought I liked you in that way, but now I'm finding out that I only ever wanted to like you in that way. From the moment I could talk, my parents have gone on about the day I'll find a nice green girl to marry. Green girl, green girl, green girl- that's all they ever say. They don't think about the reality that it's unlikely that all of us will end up with someone who's all green. I've never believed I have to be with a green girl, but my parents' influence still stuck on me. When I think of being with someone, I imagine her green. When you moved here and we got along instantly, I thought it was meant to be. I built up this delusion that it would only ever be you for me, and with so many people expecting us to happen, with my parents shoving it down my throat since we started high school, I went along with it all even though I knew somewhere inside that I was fooling myself. Everything about you should have me begging to be with you, but the truth I've been discovering over these past months is that you're more like another sister to me. I love you...in the way I love Bud and Pistachio. And I'm afraid...there's nothing that's going to make that change."
Was I shaking? I think I was- the uncontrollable kind where you aren't sure if you're going to snap and start pummeling everything within arm's reach or whether you're going to collapse to the floor. My whole body tingled as if the muscles were asleep, and, with fear in his eyes, Sap ever so slightly backed away.
"If you've known for months how you felt, why did you lure me into believing a lie?" I asked viciously, my dark voice scaring even me.
"I-I still wasn't...entirely sure what I felt. I thought I was just getting cold feet at the thought of being in a relationship." Sap explained in a pitiful mumble.
"You seem quite confident now!"
"I realized it fully...last week."
"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING!?"
Sap jumped higher than he did when I scared him. I hadn't meant to shout, but I was one blow from completely losing control.
"I was going to..." Sap was practically whispering now, "I was going to talk to you about it today, but I couldn't get the words out..."
"And you thought KISSING and then instantly rejecting me was the way to go about it, you asshole!?"
Sap cringed again and withdrew further when he nearly tripped over one of the chairs when I shoved him.
"I got confused again. I thought I was over-thinking it all. I thought if we kissed I would realize that I was being stupid and that I did like you. I didn't anticipate that it would convince me of the opposite."
"Poor Sap!"
"Meadow, I'm sorry-"
"Oh, just go to hell!"
My voice cracked and quivered. With my chest so hollow, I don't know how I was breathing. I was definitely breaking though. Anger fed sadness, and the tears flowed out without shame.
"Meadow-"
"NO! Just shut up!" I roared at him, "All these years of being friends, and you jerk me around like it's nothing because you're too much of a coward to just tell me the truth before you force me into a lie! Well, you don't have to worry about us anymore! And you'd better find another date for homecoming! Girlfriend, sister, friend, whatever- we're not anything now!"
"Meadow!"
Sap called after me even when I shoved him harder and bolted outside into the drenching rain after I slammed the door so hard it hurt my arm. It was disappointing when the glass didn't shatter. I hadn't reached the end of the road yet when I was soaked to the bone. However, I couldn't have cared less about being wet. In fact, it hid the tears streaming down my face well. I stopped bothering to wipe them away as I rushed down the sidewalk. Then anyone who happened to spot me would only think my fast pace was because I was hurrying to get out of the rain. Not that my main thoughts were of what other people thought of me in that moment. I was still processing what had happened. Six years. Six years I had known Sap. We had been so close all that time. I had looked up to and admired his inner strength and kindness. I had gone ahead and trusted him with the fake truth of my past, which was a big leap of faith for me even if it was just made up. Now I had gone ahead and placed my faith in him once more, and he had shattered everything to pieces. As my feet splashed through the puddles on the sidewalk, my mind reeled as the same thoughts repeated themselves. He hadn't been sure. He had been hesitating the whole time. If Sap had had such great doubts, why had he thought it had been best to push what he didn't truly believe in? Did he really think he could force what wasn't there? Did he think that there would be any sort of good ending waiting for us along this path? Had he not realized what a cruel trick he was playing on me?
I didn't head home. I didn't want to. If the house had been empty I might have, but that day was a rare exception where Eden was having company. If I remembered correctly, he was having Blaze, Ms. Charm, Mr. and Mrs. Glory, and I think even Frost's parents as well. There was no way I was going to burst into the house like I was being in the state I was in. Both Amaranth and Frost lived too far away for me to walk, I was heading in the opposite direction from Sunflower's house, and I had a feeling Vermillion would be at home with Sunset. That left me with one option, but as I got close to that brightly colored house I realized it was actually the lone place where I wanted to be. After knocking on the door, I strode right in past Allium when he opened it.
"Uh, come in?" he said in confusion, watching me as I kept walking until I stopped in his living room, "Mom is over at your place. Uh, sorry if I'm somewhat sweaty. I was working out a little. Wasn't expecting company."
He was speaking the fill the silence I was leaving. It was taking all my effort to remain composed when I wanted to cry, wreck the room, crumble to pieces, and simply disappear entirely all at once.
"I can't stand people!" I finally spoke into the awkward air, "You trust them, you believe in them, and they still screw you over because they'd rather make you hurt than hurt themselves!"
"Um, yeah, I guess? People just suck sometimes." Allium replied in perplexed curiosity.
Anger boiled and raged within me until its weight grew too much and it collapsed into sadness once more. My shaking resumed, and I felt sickeningly light-headed. Allium's hand that he placed lightly on my shoulder to turn me around seemed more like a slap that threatened to bowl me over.
"Meadow? What's up?" he asked with concern.
How badly did I want to tell him, but the words were stuck in my throat. I trusted Allium as strongly as I always had, but to admit what was now reality stabbed sharp and burning pains up and down my body. Thankfully, as lazy as he was academically, Allium was really incredibly smart in every other way. It was all too easy for him to figure out what was going on.
"Something happened with you and Sap."
It wasn't even a question. He knew without a doubt. I nodded.
"You guys aren't a thing anymore."
Another nod.
"Meadow, I'm sorry. That's really awful," he comforted before pausing, "I'm guessing it was him who broke things off. You didn't seem like that's what you wanted in the slightest."
"He said that he had never really liked me. He had just been confused because everyone expected him to like me, and he caved to their pressure. All he sees me as is another sister." I willed myself to admit.
I barely caught a glimpse of how Allium's eyes narrowed and a frown grew on his face for my vision blurred as my tears returned. I tried to hold them back, covering my eyes with my hands and rubbing them, but there was nothing I could do. I was at least glad I didn't have to worry about embarrassing myself by crying in front of Allium. It wasn't the first time such a thing had happened, but even if it was I knew the last thing he would do was judge. What he did do was pull me into his embrace. The thing I was getting embarrassed about was that I was smooshing my face and crying directly onto his skin. Those straps of his shirt didn't exactly cover much. It was probably the totally wrong time to notice all those new little things about him I kept noticing, but I did it anyway. The light sweat he was worried about intrigued me rather than repelled me. I remarked at how his chest felt hollow, but how at the same time it was sturdy and warm and against it was right where I wanted to be. I never thought much about Allium working out, but with the muscles he had it had to be quite a hobby of his. Those were the things I thought of while I bawled my eyes out because of another boy.
"I can't believe him," Allium started tartly, "I get that he's a teenage boy and we're known for making the dumbest decisions, but that's just...ugh, the idiot! He's pretty much done to you what we feared Am was doing to Cocoa."
"It would still hurt, but it wouldn't be this bad if he hadn't..." I mumbled.
"Hadn't what?"
"He kissed me first." I admitted quietly.
Allium pulled me away slightly as he stared at me in disbelief.
"Things weren't going the greatest with us, but it was getting better. Then pretty much out of nowhere he moved in closer, kissed me, and then instantly said he he had never felt anything towards me. That he had been planning on calling it quits anyway." I explained in more detail.
"Hold on. Wait, seriously? He kissed you, he kissed you, and then dumped you seconds afterwards?" Allium questioned in shock, true anger appearing in his voice now.
I nodded again.
"What the hell! Who does that!? And I bet that was your first kiss too, wasn't it? The one where you're super vulnerable? The one that girls dream and fantasize about? The monumental one that you remember forever? That first kiss?"
"Y-yeah..."
Allium let out a truly agitated sigh. He shook his head and pulled me back against him. I held him tight as I drew from him the comfort I needed. The great extent to which I calmed down surprised me, but what was more surprising was how the calm didn't last. The more I let my grief momentarily fade the more I realized how all the swelling and bouncing emotions I should have experienced earlier were growing. My heart was racing and everything was tingling again for a totally different reason now.
"It doesn't count," Allium started speaking again, "That kiss does not count, you hear me? Not if Sap's heart wasn't in it and he was planning on calling your relationship off."
"Okay..." I agreed feebly.
Both the rejection and sudden surge of emotion was leaving me weak. I was so desperate for any sort of relief that accepting Allium's words was more than doable. I also didn't want the kiss to count either. Allium's face brightened up. He was doing wonders in stopping me from freaking out, and we both knew it. He gave me a little smile, wiped the last few tiny tears still trickling down my cheeks away, and placed a gentle peck on my cheek.
And that was what changed everything.
A shock coursed through me the second his lips touched my skin. A pull so strong had me leaning forward and keeping my head against his when he started to move back. It was if a surging connection had been created between his touch and mine, and in my hurt state I craved that overwhelming longing and relief.
Allium definitely wasn't expecting me to keep such a grip on him- to let my lips linger so close to his. Even though I knew I should pull away, I couldn't. One tiny kiss on the cheek from Allium was sending everything I hadn't felt with Sap screaming for more. All that Sap had killed, Allium was bringing back to life. The heartbreak was melting away as my heart strove for something new. The feeling intensified the longer Allium and I stood there. Closer and closer our lips got. He was hesitating, but that was understandable. It had been, what, ten minutes since I had kissed Sap? Social manners would dictate that I would wait at least a couple days before making a move on a new person. As it was, what society would tell us, or the fact that Allium was one of my best friends, was wholly irrelevant in that moment. I could tell the difference now between when a person wanted to kiss me and when they did not. Allium wanted to kiss me.
The chance I was giving him was finally taken several seconds later. I nearly cried again- this time from the explosion of sensation in my chest. The feeling was one that's hard to describe. All I knew was that the issues I had with Sap didn't exist when Allium's lips touched mine and when the kiss grew even deeper. There were no logical thoughts left in my brain. There was no worry. There was nothing gross or weird about Allium's mouth intruding in mine. It felt wonderful. I never wanted to stop. And it took us a long while to do that. Passionate, is what you could call the eternity that seemed to pass. We were not so much kissing as we were making out. When we did pull apart when we realized we were getting a bit too wound up, I breathed as if I had just run for miles. I was winded, but it wasn't a sensation I disliked.
Only having Sap's reaction to go off of, I had no idea what to expect when the kiss did stop. Blessedly, the two situations were nothing alike. Allium stayed close and began laughing merrily.
"I know I made you promise to give me some consideration if you and Sap didn't work out, but you didn't have to fall madly in love with me that fast." he teased.
I began laughing too thanks to that and my now overall glee. The sting of what had happened with Sap would come back to haunt my with a vengeance later that night as I tried to sleep, but for those few hours in which I hid out at Allium's house I had not a burden in the world. Part of me was kicking myself for not realizing sooner that I had exactly who I wanted right in front of me. In those few moments Allium had been everything perfect- concerned, supportive, understanding, protective, comforting, loving, and his plain old silly self. What more could I ask for?
"Yeeeah, we probably have some talking to do." I accepted with an amused chuckle.
"If we must," Allium sighed sarcastically, "But for now, I'm just going to keep doing this."
He leaned closer again and placed a long kiss on my forehead.
"You do realize you're getting mostly hair?" I pointed out.
Allium spoke something into my hair that sounded like a muffled "Don't Care." He then looked at me with glittering eyes and a beaming smile.
"Meadow?"
"Hmm?"
"This is a crazy weird situation, and I never imagined this is how I would get my chance to ask, but will you go to homecoming with me?"
I laughed harder as I matched Allium's smile.
"I'd love to."
It was easy enough for me to ignore the chaos. The noise my friends were making when spread out across the park was nothing like the insanity they created when all crammed into my car as I drove them around. I only even remembered they were there when the game was brought close to where Frost and I were sitting.
"Ugh! I thought being at the park would be relaxing. I can't concentrate with this noise!" he complained as he focused his gaze harder on his notebook.
The six of us had all been doing our homework earlier. Well, Frost and I had been helping everyone else do their homework. It was impossible for us to make it through one of our study sessions without the two of us turning into tutors. With all our attention focused on everyone else's work, it was a wonder it was a surprise when the other four couldn't believe we still had our own work to do by the time they were done and ready to goof off. It didn't help that my homework and Frost's was incredibly more difficult given our schedule of almost entirely AP level classes. I gave Frost a friendly pat on the back. I knew his struggle well.
"What part are you working on?" I asked.
"I'm trying to finish this essay on how the creation of the Separatist Alliance influenced the Eastern Trade Conference, but I keep confusing the Meeting of Advisers with the Collaboration of Advisers. Why did they have to give two different but similar events that happened at totally distinct times similar names?"
"Um, Frost," I began hesitantly, "You do know the Separatist Alliance wasn't formed until after the Eastern Trade Conference had been dissolved, right? Shouldn't you be talking about how the Alliance influenced the Eastern Traders Union?"
"What!?"
Frost practically slammed his notebook into his face as he checked his work. A massive, mischievous grin appeared on my face, and I couldn't stop myself from laughing when he glared at me.
"You go ahead and laugh! Don't mind the heart attack you just gave me. I tell you I'm confusing two events already, and you think it's a good idea to trick me into thinking I messed up the ETC and the ETU too? I seriously just believed this whole paper was worthless."
"Sorry." I apologized, but I was still laughing.
Frost scoffed, shook his head, and then laughed himself.
"I'm just gonna give up on this at the moment. I'm going to make it a big mess if I try to finish it with my brain all scrambled thanks to them!" he said, half yelling out his last words to our friends running around.
All of them either didn't hear or ignored him.
"How about we head back you your place? It's much more private there." I suggested with heavily sarcastic sensuality.
"Yeah, it'd be easier to concentrate on what's right in front of me." Frost played along, staring right into my eyes as he gave me his best flirty face.
We both burst out into more laughter seconds later. There was no way we could keep that kind of talk up for long. The scandalous rumor that had caused me so much grief had all but faded into oblivion the second the information for homecoming got out. It, and not me, was the lone thing the school was talking about now. In fact, the rumor had become sort of a joke with me and my friends. Frost and I especially messed around with it whenever we could.
He and I were still giggling when Allium dashed over to us. He bent over, heaving and gasping before letting out a massive exhale as he regained better control of his breathing.
"Will one of you two please play with us? Am won't stop, and only you two are fast enough to keep him distracted." he panted the request.
"Don't ask me. You do realize that you're the one who brought this on yourself?" Frost reminded him with a raised brow.
"I know! I'm not that much of an idiot," Allium pouted, "Meadow? Will you save me?"
I had to give him a sympathetic smile. I also had to check my phone.
"Sorry, Charming, you know I actually need to leave soon." I told him.
My eyes turned wide when I glanced down at the time my phone showed me.
"Actually, I need to leave now. I didn't realize how late it's gotten. I'm totally behind." I panicked slightly as I began shoving all my stuff into my bag.
"Ah, right. Meadow's got a daaaate," Allium said in a sing-song voice, "With Sap. You've got a date with Sap. Sap Celadon Spring is your date."
"It's not a date, and you don't need to say it so many times like that. We're just going to check out that new tea shop and then chill out."
It was pretty much technically what we were doing, but there was something that made me adverse to admitting that Sap and I were dating. I think the two of us were still getting used to the idea, which is why neither of us ever called our dates by what they were. I know for me, saying I was going on a date was especially harder whenever Allium was around. He had been true to his word so far, for there hadn't been one single thing he had done or said that gave me the impression that he was clinging onto his rejection. Allium treated me as a friend exactly as he had always done. He teased me about the situation exactly how I expected him to tease me about it. There was no hidden disdain towards Sap or hurt feelings when I glanced into his eyes.
In fact, I think I was the one who hadn't moved past Allium's little shocking reveal of him finding me attractive as a potential partner. It had changed something within me, though I was loathe to admit it. I couldn't be around Allium without noticing things about him that I never noticed before- most particularly how he smelled and how his clothes fit him. Every smile, laugh, and little hug he gave me had started sending those bouncing feelings I felt when I was with Sap rather crazy too. There was no stopping how nervous I would get or how warm I felt. Of course, I kept every single one of those things a total secret. I was even trying to keep them a secret to myself. Given that I was only just beginning to test the romantic waters with Sap, to feel something else towards another guy at the same time would be far too overwhelming when the last thing I needed was for my life to get more complicated.
Allium teasing me accidentally made me drop some of my stuff. He apologized until he jokingly said he had done it on purpose. Sunset, noticing my struggle, had come over and promised to bring my bookbag back to my house for me so that I could go ahead and leave. That resulted in Amaranth and Sunflower coming over as well, which ended the game of tag. Allium claimed that had been his grand plan for getting the game to stop. I barely had time to roll my eyes before I dashed off. I seriously was late. And, of course, it was Eden's turn to have complete access to the car. There was no choice for me but to have run all the way down to the beach where Sap and I were due to meet, which was highly infuriating when I began to sweat slightly. The colder weather coming in had us all dressing warmer, but the warmer clothing was too warm when mixed with physical exertion. I had spent a lot of time that morning making sure my appearance was on point. Meeting Sap looking like I had run a marathon was not what I wanted. Part of me hoped he would be late too, but naturally he was there right where he was supposed to be. I suspected he would turn around right away when he heard me coming, but he was apparently too into texting whoever he was texting.
"Sap?" I said when I was right behind him.
When he didn't respond or turn in the slightest, I assumed he was mad.
"I'm sorry I'm a little late." I apologized.
Still nothing.
"Sap? I'm sorry?" I spoke again, frowning slightly.
I could understand that he had the right to be mildly irritated, but to be so upset as to ignore me completely? That didn't seem right, especially not with Sap. I had seen Bud and Pistachio do worse things that he hadn't even batted an eyelid at. However, that only left me with the answer that he seriously wasn't hearing me. I was a mere two feet away though. How he could not hear me? In the end, there was just one way to find out what was going on. I hunched over, and then I pounced.
"BOO!" I shouted at him as I leapt his way ever so slightly.
That finally got me a reaction. Sap leapt higher than I did while letting out a very uncharacteristic cry of alarm.
"God! Make me keel over why don't you!" he half panted, his hand pressed over his chest that I'm sure was racing.
I chuckled lightly until his small glare of anger didn't disappear.
"I'm sorry," I was back to apologizing, "It's just that I was standing right here talking to you, and you weren't responding at all. I thought a tiny jolt would get your attention. I never meant to frighten you so badly."
"No, it's alright," Sap shook his head, his tone quickly calming, "I was just texting my dad. He's letting me get more involved in helping him with his businesses, so my mind's been trapped in all the logistical stuff regarding that."
The guilt that had been growing subsided, and I perked up again.
"Really? That sounds interesting. What exactly are you getting to do now?" I wondered.
"Eh, I'd actually like the stop thinking about it for a while. Tell me what's going on with you instead." Sap replied.
I took on the change of direction with ease. It had been a few days since I had seen Sap, and we hadn't talked on the phone or texted much either. That was mostly because he had been so slow responding to everything, although I did have a proper reason for that now though. Bud and Pistachio clearly weren't the type to join their parents in running their business enterprise, but for as long as I knew Sap that was all he wanted to do. I could understand him getting swept away by the opportunity of finally digging himself deeper into his dream.
It was my expectation that he would want to tell me all about it, but as the minutes passed I found myself getting winded. I was talking so much. Sap was barely talking at all. It wasn't that I didn't give him the opportunity. No matter how hard I tried it was next to impossible to get him going for more than a few seconds. That was when he would pass the job of continuing the conversation back to me. I began to grow somewhat concerned. Sap didn't seem as at ease as normal. He looked more serious and solemn, but of course with him deflecting all questions about himself I wasn't about to get an explanation. Being optimistic and passing off his change of attitude as something brought about merely by momentary tiredness or stress, I suggested we head along to the tea shop to change the tone of the situation.
It had been Sap's idea to check out the shop. It was a highly peculiar place: a tea shop on a house boat base. He had originally planned on taking Bud and Pistachio since I didn't really like tea, but they were too addicted to their mainstream coffee shops to agree to go. I changed my mind afterwards. I partly felt bad for Sap, I partly just wanted another excuse to go out with him, and I partly wanted to give the tea a try. I could potentially like it if it was brewed differently. The shop had a gentle, quiet atmosphere about it. However, I was distracted by something it had outside.
"What's this? A crystal ball?" I asked as I peered into the glass.
"I think it's a moon dial. I've heard they're only ever accurate on the night of a full moon." Sap replied.
"Interesting. Oh, I think this one gives you a horoscope." I pointed out.
There was a small touch screen on the large rim surrounding the orb. Each astrology icon was shown on it. I pressed mine, and the screen morphed to reveal some text.
"It says I will have great success," I read before pausing in slight embarrassment, "Especially in love."
I glanced Sap's way, but I avoided his direct gaze. I probably should have kept the last part to myself, for even mentioning that word had me turning nervous and had my chest bouncing around again. I wondered if Sap wasn't ready to bring up the big "L" word either. He turned rather stiff in that moment.
"Astrology is just a load of nonsense. There's no point in believing anything related to it." he said.
"It can be good for some harmless fun every once in a while."
"For me, it's always useless." Sap shrugged.
He pulled away from that corner after that, so I moved away from the moon dial to follow him into the shop. There wasn't much to it other than the counter and an 'alchemy station' that added to the decor. I was somewhat disappointed since I was excepting something a bit more intricate, but with the limited amount of space the shop had to work with I realized I couldn't be picky. Sap and I mulled over the menu for the longest time. It wasn't like he was a big tea drinker either, so we knew little about the ingredients or mixes we might enjoy. Eventually, he went with some 'green leaf' concoction and I with some 'little petal' one. We sat outside and drank since there was no room inside to do so. The conversation was slow again, even when Sap finished his drink and had no reason why his mouth was too preoccupied to talk. I was slower finishing my tea. The taste wasn't awful, but my tongue was taking its sweet time adjusting to it. When I reached the bottom third of the cup was when I finally got a mildly normal response out of Sap.
"These people are so lucky to live right on the beach." I spoke wistfully as I glanced towards the houses on the coast.
"Isn't living in a house that's a six minute walk to the ocean close enough?" Sap asked in light amusement.
"Nope." I responded likewise.
"I don't know. I can't help but think of all the sand they're constantly tracking inside. It would be a nightmare to keep that place clean."
"True." I agreed.
I took another sip before sighing.
"You happen to want the rest of this?" I asked Sap, "It's not bad, but I just don't like it enough to finish it."
"Nah, I'm okay."
"I suppose there's not much left. I don't have to feel too bad about ditching it."
Sap nodded before suggesting we take a walk on the beach after I tossed away my cup. I was down for a walk. The tea shop, though it was nice and had a good atmosphere, clearly wasn't doing much for us that moment. I know I certainly relaxed some as Sap and I slowly winded our way down the coast towards the familiar main beach. It was empty due to the colder weather, and empty was how I preferred it. In fact, it was because there was a certain person not around that I suddenly grew giddily excited.
"What are you doing?" Sap called after me as I began running towards the raised platform near the water.
I left him behind without responding. I took the steps up that platform two at a time, and I accidentally bumped my leg as I practically jumped into my goal. However, I was far too happy to care.
"The lifeguard chair? Really?" Sap laughed at me in exasperation when he caught up.
"I've always wanted to sit in it, but I've never gotten the chance. It's a good feeling." I explained with a goofy smile, "The horizon is beautiful."
"You and your love of the horizon. You should become a sailor. Then a horizon is pretty much all you'll see."
"Hmm, that might be a bit too much. This view is alright."
"You gonna get off there soon?"
"Nope."
"Thought so. Well, I'll be down here building a sandcastle then whenever you decide you've had enough fun in the chair." Sap chuckled.
I couldn't help myself. Sitting in that chair made me feel powerful, and I really did love that view of the ocean and unending horizon. I would be lying if I said I didn't get randomly scared every once in a while that everything would fall apart in a flash. Something could happen to Eden. I could be found. I could be trapped in an even worse prison than the one I had known. They were all frighteningly realistic outcomes. When peaceful moments where I could just gather my courage staring out at the freedom I did have came, I did all I could to make them last as long as possible. It was several minutes later when I forced myself away though. I couldn't make Sap wait forever. Thankfully, he did seem to be having fun making that sandcastle of his. The finishing touches were going on it when I made my way over.
"It's a work of art." I praised.
"Thank you very much," Sap said while he took a picture of that work, "It's the first time in forever where I can remember actually completing one without Bud or 'Chio sneaking over to kick it down."
"Now that you say that, the idea is very tempting." I teased.
"Go ahead. I'm satisfied that I finished it, and I got a picture to keep this grand occasion firm in my memories for eternity." Sap offered.
When I hesitated, he went ahead and gave the castle a good kick himself. It took half the thing out. That broke my barriers. Within seconds, the two of us were swinging our feet like wrecking balls. The poor castle didn't stand a chance.
Sap was fully back to normal. We had just needed to get moving. That's what I thought after that point. I only wish that could have been the truth. Everything was fine until we started walking away from the beach. Unfortunately, the situation then reverted back to me talking a lot and struggling to get much of anything out of him. I could get the conversation going for a few sentences or so, yet Sap's more solemn expression would return afterwards, although he attempted to hide it. Running out of excuses, I came to the conclusion that perhaps more lively fun would kick Sap out of his funk. I didn't entertain thoughts that there was a more serious underlying reason for his lack of enthusiasm. I didn't want to think of what that could mean.
The all-ages dance club became our destination. The place was practically dead due to the early afternoon hour. Sap and I were the lone people in there besides the man tending the drink counter. I marked that as the reason my plan didn't work, still refusing to believe that Sap was dealing with something I couldn't cure instead. He and I danced, practice for homecoming I called it, for maybe ten minutes. I knew I felt silly dancing with him in that empty room. The worker ignored us for the most part, but it wouldn't be help that were were what he stared at given that he had nothing else to do. Sap definitely felt silly too. We sat at one of the bubble pop tables for a few songs, but soon we called it quits.
Unfortunately, a decent rain had picked up while we had been inside. With neither of us having brought umbrellas or raincoats, there was no chance we were walking all the way back home. Sap called a taxi service to come get us, and we chose to wait outside under the awning. Even with the rain, the cool outside world felt fresh and inviting. It was also free from the occasional glance from the worker inside. I wasn't able to enjoy the weather though for the situation between Sap and I remained the same. He was totally unenthused despite how badly he was trying to hide it, and getting the sentences I got out of him was like pulling teeth.
"I think I'll have the taxi take me home." I said into the silence.
"Are you getting tired?" Sap asked, looking right at me for the first time in several minutes.
"Not really. I'm just not having as much fun as I thought I would," I sighed, "From how little you're talking and how often you're staring into space, I have the feeling you're not really in the mood for hanging out. I get that you suddenly have more on your plate now, so I don't want to bother you or make you feel obligated to entertain me for hours."
"Meadow, no, I-" Sap began almost urgently, "I'm sorry. You're right that I've got more to deal with. I want to hang out with you and I have been having fun, but it seems I'm having trouble pulling myself out of my thoughts. It's a bad habit I have whenever I get somewhat stressed."
"I think I should still go home then. Let you have the time to think through everything without distraction."
"I mean what I said earlier- I don't want to think about it for a while. I need a break, and I know despite what it looks like you are helping me out massively." Sap pressed with a tiny, encouraging smile.
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
He said that, but I couldn't be so confident in his words. I knew him too well. Something uncertain and hesitant was lurking in his eyes.
"Let's not worry about where to go next and head to my house. It'll stop us from having to fret about this rain. Besides, it's the first time in forever where everyone else is out. I've completely forgotten what it sounds like when the house is empty." Sap suggested, preventing me from pondering what was going on for that moment.
"Sounds good." I went ahead and agreed.
Sap made a noticeable effort in being a more active participant in our time together, but I became unable to shake that hesitation of mine. What was most frustrating was that I couldn't figure out what was so wrong. Sap clearly had some bothersome thoughts going on in that mind of his, but why on earth would him stressing out about helping his dad make me worry to the extent which I began to worry? What else was I missing? It didn't help when it dawned on me when we got to the house that Sap wasn't making much eye contact. Actually, he really hadn't looked at me properly besides when we had been standing outside the club. Never before had he avoided my gaze so determinedly.
I wasn't familiar with Sap's house as I was Amaranth's or Sunset's, but the mood was indeed totally different with Sap's parents, Bud, and Pistachio gone. The place was so quiet it felt as if I shouldn't even speak. The amount of privacy in a place that was usually so devoid of it was both refreshing and quite weird.
"Sooo, what are you in the mood for?" I asked as Sap and I began settling in after drying off the little we had gotten wet.
"Hmm, good question. I know the rain tends to make me lazy. Perhaps let's just watch a movie and load up on snacks?" he suggested.
It worked for me. A movie would keep us both distracted while requiring little conversation or effort on our part. About to agree, Sap stopped me when he turned and spotted something that changed his mind.
"Oh, 'Chio left her speakers out. I actually did enjoy dancing. Let's get some more practice in for homecoming- even if there's going to be little real dancing done." Sap shrugged in amusement.
"Okay."
Well, if Sap was the one taking initiative then I was fine with dancing too. We had done so much of it in Tropic Luna, and I had loved it then. Things picked up dancing in Sap's house too. Without anyone to watch us, the experience wasn't anywhere near as awkward as it was in the club. The tension began to clear up, and I started to enjoy myself once more.
However, there was no way I could have ever prepared for what would soon happen.
What was going on in Sap's head remained a complete mystery to me for those few songs we danced to. Being held like I was, there was no choice but for me to look directly at his face. Those thoughts of his never stopped. He appeared to have a million of them bouncing all over the place. This strange sort of almost haze glazed over his eyes as he grew quieter and quieter again. Part of me wondered if I was doing something similar, for I couldn't deny that my mind was going all of the place too as I tried to work out my peculiar circumstances.
I believed that was the case when it finally dawned on me that there was something going on that I wasn't aware of. The distance between Sap and I steadily closed. Jolted out of my mind when we were right up against each other, everything moved forward in a blur. An expression I had never seen spread across Sap's face. My heart began racing as his brought his head lower and lower until it was touching mine as we moved in that slow circle. Truthfully, I did panic slightly. I would have had to be an exceptional idiot to not anticipate what was about to happen. However, part of me couldn't accept reality. I hadn't thought for a moment that day would lead to where it was leading. The atmosphere certainly hadn't been conducive to such a thing. It pulled towards the opposite, in all honesty. I struggled with whether or not I wanted Sap to continue with things having been so fretful. Being so close as to feel his breath against my skin, I willed myself to stop analyzing everything. I would be lying if I said I hadn't daydreamed about the current situation. I definitely would have liked the hours leading up to it to have gone a little differently, but I wasn't going to throw away my chance due to something like that.
I tried not to have my instinctive jolt of surprise show when Sap's lips touched mine. Now my heart and mind were truly racing. All the romance movies I had watched, all the stories I had heard, all my own imaginations- none of them could prepare me for what I would actually feel when the grand moment came. However, I think I had built up the moment too much. Sap deciding to kiss me out of nowhere after some awkward time together was nothing like all the passionate and romantic declarations of true love like what one saw in those movies. It was much more realistic. I also thought at that point that I still couldn't help but to be led too much by my logical thoughts and not my emotions, for I had to admit my slight disappointment. It was true my heart was racing like crazy, but those bouncing emotions that made me feel light and wonderful were nowhere to be found. The kiss was a soft one that was just lips and no tongue, but still I couldn't help but remark how it felt bizarre and perhaps a little weird. I didn't hate that moment, but the lack of magic I had dreamed of was draining the fun out of it.
Several seconds, six or so, was how long the kiss lasted. Only a few seconds, two or three, was how long it took for my heart to drop deep into my chest as a chilling sensation swept over me. Despite everything, the tiniest of smiles was on my lips when Sap pulled away. The expression on Sap's face, however, wasn't the kind of expression you wanted to see on your partner's face after you've kissed. It wasn't happy. It was regretful. He instantly put on a fake smile, but the way he further pulled away and shifted nervously wasn't going to fool anyone.
"Sap?" I asked hesitantly, for I was aware everything was about to turn terrible even though I hoped with all my strength that it wouldn't, "What's wrong?"
He went right back to not being able to look me in the eye. It was apparent by the faces he was pulling that he didn't want to say anything for he knew it would set me off.
"Sap." I prodded harder when the silence continued.
"I'm sorry."
It wasn't an apology for his delayed response. It was an apology for something much more than that.
"Sorry? Sorry for what?" I prompted, despite that I didn't actually want to know.
"I shouldn't have-" he mumbled, "I...it's not your fault. There was...just nothing there."
Did that make me chest constrict painfully! Now it was total confusion and fear my mind was reeling with. I had been willing to trust Sap despite my reservations, and now he was coming right out and saying it was a waste?
"T-that's alright," I encouraged in desperation, "It's only been a few weeks. We just moved a little too-"
"No," Sap shook his head, "More time won't make a difference. If nothing is there, if nothing has been there, then nothing's going to be there."
My mouth dropped open. Sap couldn't possibly have just revealed what it sounded like he revealed.
"Nothing has been there?" I repeated, my mouth turning dry, "Nothing can't have been there!"
Sap cringed. He was turning pale, and I'm sure I was doing the same. Emptiness consumed the chest that had been so full and energetic not even half a minute earlier.
"I'm sorry," Sap repeated with more determination though his voice wavered, "Meadow, I'm seriously sorry. I didn't mean for it to turn out like this."
His implore towards me did nothing to break me out of the shock that, somehow, my short-lived romance was about to come crashing into an abrupt end.
"I thought I liked you in that way, but now I'm finding out that I only ever wanted to like you in that way. From the moment I could talk, my parents have gone on about the day I'll find a nice green girl to marry. Green girl, green girl, green girl- that's all they ever say. They don't think about the reality that it's unlikely that all of us will end up with someone who's all green. I've never believed I have to be with a green girl, but my parents' influence still stuck on me. When I think of being with someone, I imagine her green. When you moved here and we got along instantly, I thought it was meant to be. I built up this delusion that it would only ever be you for me, and with so many people expecting us to happen, with my parents shoving it down my throat since we started high school, I went along with it all even though I knew somewhere inside that I was fooling myself. Everything about you should have me begging to be with you, but the truth I've been discovering over these past months is that you're more like another sister to me. I love you...in the way I love Bud and Pistachio. And I'm afraid...there's nothing that's going to make that change."
Was I shaking? I think I was- the uncontrollable kind where you aren't sure if you're going to snap and start pummeling everything within arm's reach or whether you're going to collapse to the floor. My whole body tingled as if the muscles were asleep, and, with fear in his eyes, Sap ever so slightly backed away.
"If you've known for months how you felt, why did you lure me into believing a lie?" I asked viciously, my dark voice scaring even me.
"I-I still wasn't...entirely sure what I felt. I thought I was just getting cold feet at the thought of being in a relationship." Sap explained in a pitiful mumble.
"You seem quite confident now!"
"I realized it fully...last week."
"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING!?"
Sap jumped higher than he did when I scared him. I hadn't meant to shout, but I was one blow from completely losing control.
"I was going to..." Sap was practically whispering now, "I was going to talk to you about it today, but I couldn't get the words out..."
"And you thought KISSING and then instantly rejecting me was the way to go about it, you asshole!?"
Sap cringed again and withdrew further when he nearly tripped over one of the chairs when I shoved him.
"I got confused again. I thought I was over-thinking it all. I thought if we kissed I would realize that I was being stupid and that I did like you. I didn't anticipate that it would convince me of the opposite."
"Poor Sap!"
"Meadow, I'm sorry-"
"Oh, just go to hell!"
My voice cracked and quivered. With my chest so hollow, I don't know how I was breathing. I was definitely breaking though. Anger fed sadness, and the tears flowed out without shame.
"Meadow-"
"NO! Just shut up!" I roared at him, "All these years of being friends, and you jerk me around like it's nothing because you're too much of a coward to just tell me the truth before you force me into a lie! Well, you don't have to worry about us anymore! And you'd better find another date for homecoming! Girlfriend, sister, friend, whatever- we're not anything now!"
"Meadow!"
Sap called after me even when I shoved him harder and bolted outside into the drenching rain after I slammed the door so hard it hurt my arm. It was disappointing when the glass didn't shatter. I hadn't reached the end of the road yet when I was soaked to the bone. However, I couldn't have cared less about being wet. In fact, it hid the tears streaming down my face well. I stopped bothering to wipe them away as I rushed down the sidewalk. Then anyone who happened to spot me would only think my fast pace was because I was hurrying to get out of the rain. Not that my main thoughts were of what other people thought of me in that moment. I was still processing what had happened. Six years. Six years I had known Sap. We had been so close all that time. I had looked up to and admired his inner strength and kindness. I had gone ahead and trusted him with the fake truth of my past, which was a big leap of faith for me even if it was just made up. Now I had gone ahead and placed my faith in him once more, and he had shattered everything to pieces. As my feet splashed through the puddles on the sidewalk, my mind reeled as the same thoughts repeated themselves. He hadn't been sure. He had been hesitating the whole time. If Sap had had such great doubts, why had he thought it had been best to push what he didn't truly believe in? Did he really think he could force what wasn't there? Did he think that there would be any sort of good ending waiting for us along this path? Had he not realized what a cruel trick he was playing on me?
I didn't head home. I didn't want to. If the house had been empty I might have, but that day was a rare exception where Eden was having company. If I remembered correctly, he was having Blaze, Ms. Charm, Mr. and Mrs. Glory, and I think even Frost's parents as well. There was no way I was going to burst into the house like I was being in the state I was in. Both Amaranth and Frost lived too far away for me to walk, I was heading in the opposite direction from Sunflower's house, and I had a feeling Vermillion would be at home with Sunset. That left me with one option, but as I got close to that brightly colored house I realized it was actually the lone place where I wanted to be. After knocking on the door, I strode right in past Allium when he opened it.
"Uh, come in?" he said in confusion, watching me as I kept walking until I stopped in his living room, "Mom is over at your place. Uh, sorry if I'm somewhat sweaty. I was working out a little. Wasn't expecting company."
He was speaking the fill the silence I was leaving. It was taking all my effort to remain composed when I wanted to cry, wreck the room, crumble to pieces, and simply disappear entirely all at once.
"I can't stand people!" I finally spoke into the awkward air, "You trust them, you believe in them, and they still screw you over because they'd rather make you hurt than hurt themselves!"
"Um, yeah, I guess? People just suck sometimes." Allium replied in perplexed curiosity.
Anger boiled and raged within me until its weight grew too much and it collapsed into sadness once more. My shaking resumed, and I felt sickeningly light-headed. Allium's hand that he placed lightly on my shoulder to turn me around seemed more like a slap that threatened to bowl me over.
"Meadow? What's up?" he asked with concern.
How badly did I want to tell him, but the words were stuck in my throat. I trusted Allium as strongly as I always had, but to admit what was now reality stabbed sharp and burning pains up and down my body. Thankfully, as lazy as he was academically, Allium was really incredibly smart in every other way. It was all too easy for him to figure out what was going on.
"Something happened with you and Sap."
It wasn't even a question. He knew without a doubt. I nodded.
"You guys aren't a thing anymore."
Another nod.
"Meadow, I'm sorry. That's really awful," he comforted before pausing, "I'm guessing it was him who broke things off. You didn't seem like that's what you wanted in the slightest."
"He said that he had never really liked me. He had just been confused because everyone expected him to like me, and he caved to their pressure. All he sees me as is another sister." I willed myself to admit.
I barely caught a glimpse of how Allium's eyes narrowed and a frown grew on his face for my vision blurred as my tears returned. I tried to hold them back, covering my eyes with my hands and rubbing them, but there was nothing I could do. I was at least glad I didn't have to worry about embarrassing myself by crying in front of Allium. It wasn't the first time such a thing had happened, but even if it was I knew the last thing he would do was judge. What he did do was pull me into his embrace. The thing I was getting embarrassed about was that I was smooshing my face and crying directly onto his skin. Those straps of his shirt didn't exactly cover much. It was probably the totally wrong time to notice all those new little things about him I kept noticing, but I did it anyway. The light sweat he was worried about intrigued me rather than repelled me. I remarked at how his chest felt hollow, but how at the same time it was sturdy and warm and against it was right where I wanted to be. I never thought much about Allium working out, but with the muscles he had it had to be quite a hobby of his. Those were the things I thought of while I bawled my eyes out because of another boy.
"I can't believe him," Allium started tartly, "I get that he's a teenage boy and we're known for making the dumbest decisions, but that's just...ugh, the idiot! He's pretty much done to you what we feared Am was doing to Cocoa."
"It would still hurt, but it wouldn't be this bad if he hadn't..." I mumbled.
"Hadn't what?"
"He kissed me first." I admitted quietly.
Allium pulled me away slightly as he stared at me in disbelief.
"Things weren't going the greatest with us, but it was getting better. Then pretty much out of nowhere he moved in closer, kissed me, and then instantly said he he had never felt anything towards me. That he had been planning on calling it quits anyway." I explained in more detail.
"Hold on. Wait, seriously? He kissed you, he kissed you, and then dumped you seconds afterwards?" Allium questioned in shock, true anger appearing in his voice now.
I nodded again.
"What the hell! Who does that!? And I bet that was your first kiss too, wasn't it? The one where you're super vulnerable? The one that girls dream and fantasize about? The monumental one that you remember forever? That first kiss?"
"Y-yeah..."
Allium let out a truly agitated sigh. He shook his head and pulled me back against him. I held him tight as I drew from him the comfort I needed. The great extent to which I calmed down surprised me, but what was more surprising was how the calm didn't last. The more I let my grief momentarily fade the more I realized how all the swelling and bouncing emotions I should have experienced earlier were growing. My heart was racing and everything was tingling again for a totally different reason now.
"It doesn't count," Allium started speaking again, "That kiss does not count, you hear me? Not if Sap's heart wasn't in it and he was planning on calling your relationship off."
"Okay..." I agreed feebly.
Both the rejection and sudden surge of emotion was leaving me weak. I was so desperate for any sort of relief that accepting Allium's words was more than doable. I also didn't want the kiss to count either. Allium's face brightened up. He was doing wonders in stopping me from freaking out, and we both knew it. He gave me a little smile, wiped the last few tiny tears still trickling down my cheeks away, and placed a gentle peck on my cheek.
And that was what changed everything.
A shock coursed through me the second his lips touched my skin. A pull so strong had me leaning forward and keeping my head against his when he started to move back. It was if a surging connection had been created between his touch and mine, and in my hurt state I craved that overwhelming longing and relief.
Allium definitely wasn't expecting me to keep such a grip on him- to let my lips linger so close to his. Even though I knew I should pull away, I couldn't. One tiny kiss on the cheek from Allium was sending everything I hadn't felt with Sap screaming for more. All that Sap had killed, Allium was bringing back to life. The heartbreak was melting away as my heart strove for something new. The feeling intensified the longer Allium and I stood there. Closer and closer our lips got. He was hesitating, but that was understandable. It had been, what, ten minutes since I had kissed Sap? Social manners would dictate that I would wait at least a couple days before making a move on a new person. As it was, what society would tell us, or the fact that Allium was one of my best friends, was wholly irrelevant in that moment. I could tell the difference now between when a person wanted to kiss me and when they did not. Allium wanted to kiss me.
The chance I was giving him was finally taken several seconds later. I nearly cried again- this time from the explosion of sensation in my chest. The feeling was one that's hard to describe. All I knew was that the issues I had with Sap didn't exist when Allium's lips touched mine and when the kiss grew even deeper. There were no logical thoughts left in my brain. There was no worry. There was nothing gross or weird about Allium's mouth intruding in mine. It felt wonderful. I never wanted to stop. And it took us a long while to do that. Passionate, is what you could call the eternity that seemed to pass. We were not so much kissing as we were making out. When we did pull apart when we realized we were getting a bit too wound up, I breathed as if I had just run for miles. I was winded, but it wasn't a sensation I disliked.
Only having Sap's reaction to go off of, I had no idea what to expect when the kiss did stop. Blessedly, the two situations were nothing alike. Allium stayed close and began laughing merrily.
"I know I made you promise to give me some consideration if you and Sap didn't work out, but you didn't have to fall madly in love with me that fast." he teased.
I began laughing too thanks to that and my now overall glee. The sting of what had happened with Sap would come back to haunt my with a vengeance later that night as I tried to sleep, but for those few hours in which I hid out at Allium's house I had not a burden in the world. Part of me was kicking myself for not realizing sooner that I had exactly who I wanted right in front of me. In those few moments Allium had been everything perfect- concerned, supportive, understanding, protective, comforting, loving, and his plain old silly self. What more could I ask for?
"Yeeeah, we probably have some talking to do." I accepted with an amused chuckle.
"If we must," Allium sighed sarcastically, "But for now, I'm just going to keep doing this."
He leaned closer again and placed a long kiss on my forehead.
"You do realize you're getting mostly hair?" I pointed out.
Allium spoke something into my hair that sounded like a muffled "Don't Care." He then looked at me with glittering eyes and a beaming smile.
"Meadow?"
"Hmm?"
"This is a crazy weird situation, and I never imagined this is how I would get my chance to ask, but will you go to homecoming with me?"
I laughed harder as I matched Allium's smile.
"I'd love to."
Well... I mean... it's not like he slept with her then dumped her... IT COULD WORK OUT. HER THING WITH ALLIUM IS JUST A HIGH SCHOOL FLING! Even Eden said soooo! T_T
ReplyDeleteYou're breaking my heart, here.
I was so happy to find out that you were breaking up Meadow and Sap, you got me all excited, of course that was before you made him do it in the almost worst kind of way (the worst way would have been cheating), but then to go to Al instead of Am! I was rooting for Am! I'm glad that Al makes her happy though, and I know he won't be as cruel to her as Sap. But you have to promise me that if/when you break up her an Al (I know that is really soon considering they only just got together), you won't go to Frost, or anyone else, go to Am!
ReplyDeleteYay for Allium\Ethereal!
ReplyDeleteBut maybe Al and Ethe also broke up and she ends up with Frost...
@Cece- Not quite as bad as that, yeah, but I think it would be hard to work up feelings for someone again once he/she has determinedly told you that he/she would never feel anything romantic towards you. It is unfortunate, but SapxMeadow don't have the best chance of working out. It was the first romance for Meadow, and we all know how often those end up lasting forever in stories XD
ReplyDelete@Anon- Sap so far had been next to perfect, so he had to have a major knock down in a way that drove a desperate Meadow seeking the relief of someone else. It's a terrible situation for both (Meadow gets her heart broken and Sap has lost a friend (for forever? ;) Won't say)), but it terms of moving forward the story it was a great way for me to move things along XD
Am's house was too far away, he's currently taken, and it was Allium that Meadow was secretly realizing she had feelings for, so, yup, Allium it is. The two of them are definitely going to last much longer than Meadow and Sap, although I naturally can't say anything about if/when they break up and who Meadow will ultimately end up with because spoilers. I can promise you that Frost will only ever be a platonic friend though.
@Gaia- Like I mentioned with Anon, Frost is Meadow's strictly platonic male friend ^^
YEAHYEAHYEAH they broke up! But God, Sap was awful! I wanted them to break up, but to have it done in such a horrible situations - but Allium <3 I'm liking him more and more... the way you described Ethereal's feelings for him made me almost, almost, ship the two, but I'm still clinging to the Christmas ship. For now, though I am definitely okay with Allium and Ethereal :)
ReplyDeletetotally agree Makaylah
ReplyDeleteOMG!!! Doing a happy dance!!
ReplyDeleteSap - what a jerk!! I seriously can not believe that he did that!! Kissed her then dumped her. Although I think in a way I did kind of feel sorry for him a little when he explained the 'green girl' pressure that his parents have put him under, but still it is no excuse!!
That is a line!!
"I know I made you promise to give me some consideration if you and Sap didn't work out, but you didn't have to fall madly in love with me that fast." he teased
I was howling!!
Allium is so cute!! I think I now hope they will last forever - hopefully Meadows parents were red and that is where the next generation is coming from!!
"I was so happy to find out that you were breaking up Meadow and Sap, you got me all excited, of course that was before you made him do it in the almost worst kind of way (the worst way would have been cheating), but then to go to Al instead of Am! I was rooting for Am! "
ReplyDeleteI know!! Everything Anonymous said lol