What's Really Best

Charlie has moved up gradually in his work, but has become busier rather than freer with his time. Although he has called a lot, he hadn't come to visit in some time. It was a bit of a surprise when he showed up today to visit Lothi. He was surprised himself to see three more toddlers crawling around the house. I could tell from his words that he thought I was watching some other woman's children, but Charlie eventually realized that they were indeed mine.

Naturally, he asked who the father had been. I could not speak, let alone answer, for I was too scared. This was an inevitable moment that I knew I needed to accept, but I dreaded it horribly. What would Charlie think of me? Would he grow angry? Upset? Sad? I truly believed he would no longer want anything to do with Lothirien or I. Those seconds where we stood quietly with him staring intently at me were some of the worst I have ever experienced.

You might imagine my confusion and shock when he suddenly chuckled. He already knew the father was Seamus. That man had talked to Charlie about our encounter practically the first opportunity he had gotten. Charlie said it hadn't surprised him or upset him. When it came to living with Seamus, it was the sort of thing one would come to expect. Besides, he mentioned, the two of us were not bound together. There is no promise of love or attachment between us. I'm an adult and free to do as I please, so Charlie said. We were friends and the parents of Lothirien. Nothing would change that.

I couldn't believe how light and free I felt after hearing his words. He went on to play with Lothi and the triplets for most of the night. The house had such a warm atmosphere that I hadn't felt for a long time. Although with Charlie around I had the opportunity to get some rest, in the end I chose not to. It had been too long since we talked face to face. I didn't know when we would get this time together again.

As time progressed, our conversation grew deeper and deeper. Eventually, I expressed my guilt that I hadn't had much time for Lothi recently. I told Charlie that I hadn't been able to play and love her as I wanted ever since the triplets were born. I was curious to see what his reaction would be, and he completely shocked me once again. He told me if that was the case, then I should consider letting Lothi go and live with him. That caught me off guard.

I managed to stammer out an explanation that I could care for Lothi properly, but Charlie gently prodded the idea the entire night. It's not as if she'd be moving to the other side of the world, but the thought of not having my dear daughter in the house with me broke my heart. However, I wondered if I was being too selfish. All of my children are crammed together in this house. They have no space of their own, and the toddlers especially are left to play by themselves far too often. It is all I can do to find a few precious moments to spend with each of them.

The days went by. Charlie didn't bring up his suggestion again, but I could tell it was lingering in the back of his mind. I did everything I could to prove to him that he doesn't have to worry that his daughter won't be looked after like she deserves to be. When her birthday came, I invited Charlie and we had a marvelous celebration for her. The older she gets, the more Lothi resembles me. If it wasn't for those gorgeous purple eyes of hers, I could think she was a true copy of myself. She and Charlie get along very well. I am glad that at least one of my children can have a real relationship with their father.

I thought the day was going to end peacefully, but Charlie brought up his idea again. I told him flat out that I wasn't going to let Lothi go. That's when he threw yet another statement that rendered me speechless. He seems to have a talent for doing that. Why doesn't he just move in with me, he asked. It sounds like it should be the perfect solution. Although it means adding one more person to the household, with Charlie's salary and help I would also have more time to bring in money. That way we could expand the house or even more into a larger one. I could have someone to trust and rely on without having to feel guilty.

And yet, I had to turn the idea down. I had to because of a certain law of my people. Never before have I considered it in depth, but now I see that it doesn't quite make sense. According to our laws, an elf is still marriageable even if he or she commits the horrible sin of sleeping with another before promising vows. However, in my case, if I allow another man to move in to act as if we're married when we're not, then I am not allowed to marry any man other than him. I could sleep with a thousand men, and marry freely without reprimand. But if I live with one man and we never touch each other, I have no choice but him? As I said, it doesn't make sense.

The law is absolute though. Perhaps I could ignore it, and let Charlie move in. Who would know besides the Goddess? Charlie and everyone I know now will be long dead before I return home. If I never mention it, what harm would be done? I thought that, and then changed my mind. Partaking in this task has caused me to doubt and lose myself so many times. I struggle to hold onto the life and people I left behind. If I break this law, I will only have more cause to hate myself.

I did not tell Charlie my deepest feelings, but I told him of the law. I sense that he feels I am making it up, but he stopped trying to persuade me for the moment. However, I fear something bad is to come. I can tell Charlie isn't pleased. Perhaps he might use the legal system here to force Lothi away from me. I hear too often of parents fighting over children. If that ever were to happen, there is no doubt that I would lose. Charlie has access to so many resources that I can never hope to obtain as a temporary citizen here.

I pray and pray that Charlie never decides to take that route. I've been working even harder to show him that being here is best for our daughter. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to lose faith that it really is the truth. Lothi already has to sleep in my bed since there's no room for another one. What am I going to do when the triplets become older? The situation is already desperate. The best solution is to purchase a bigger house, but even with the money from the lottery there is not enough to purchase a house any better than this one.

Even though Charlie has created some tension, I am glad whenever he comes over. It has been more frequent as of late. I purchased a new table so that we could all eat together. With Charlie is here, it feels as if we have a true family. Although he's only Lothi's biological father, he treats the rest of my children as he does her. Aravilui, Arluwen, and Amadrie always squeal when he comes through the door, and Ureliel, Elaril, and Sildor act as if they've known him their entire lives.

With every visit of his, the more I want him to stay. He never denies my requests to stay a couple minutes longer. But I've taken things too far. Charlie stayed so late one night, and we spent too much time together that I ultimately ended up sleeping with him again.

I am not in love with Charlie. I know that for a fact.

He's a dear friend, loving father, and attractive man, but nothing more than that to me. The problem is I want so desperately to be in love. Just when I had my chance to try and find it, it was ripped away from me- possibly forever. I can't love a human. They would be dead before I knew it. I've known this whole time that it would be a miracle for any man back home to want me after this is over. Though my chances are pretty much impossible, I still crave that connection.

I suppose that's why I've been putting an image of perfection on Charlie. He's the first man I've met here to hold in some way the qualities I desire in a partner. So far he's been living up to every expectation I have, and that only pushes me further.  I think that's why I allowed myself to sleep with him again. It was a desperate attempt to try and convince myself I have found love- that by repeatedly giving myself away to him I can make those feelings appear. I'm only setting myself up for disappointment, and I'll probably end up hurting him in the process.

Even though I still don't want him to leave, we can't keep the pace of these meetings up. I need time without him around to clear my head and get my senses back in order. However, I can't keep Charlie from seeing Lothi.

The grim realization reaches me now. No matter how reluctant I am, in the end, what's best for everyone is for Lothirien to go live with her father......