Guilt

Today was another day off for businesses and schools. The girls were so looking forward to the festival, but of course it was raining again. It's been raining almost every day for the past couple weeks straight, and the mood has been rather gloomy because of it. Everyone misses the sunlight. Lothirien, Aravilui, Arluwen, and Amadrie still remained determined to enjoy the festival though. I told them it was fine to go, but since I didn't want Elerith out in that weather, the two of us would stay home.

The girls were reluctant after hearing that. They felt bad going out and enjoying themselves if it meant I had to be left behind. I was really fine being home, so I persuaded them so and they ended up going. They promised to tell me off all their doings. When they returned a couple hours later they said it had been an alright time.

I was dumbfounded when they told me Aravilui had gone into the scary house, and had been become momentarily cursed. She had been turned into a ghost! I wouldn't have believed it if Arluwen hadn't taken a picture of Aravilui and Amadrie partaking in a pie eating contest. Naturally, I was terrified to learn of it happening. I still can't even comprehend how such a thing is possible. Since Aravilui returned home normal and in complete health, the terror wore off after a couple hours.

The girls tried to participate in an activity called trick-or-treating. The idea is that they would dress up in costumes and receive candy handed out from the neighbors. It seems like a rather childish idea to me, but apparently it's acceptable for teenagers to do it. Unfortunately for the girls, they were forced to return home quickly since all our neighbors were out of their homes.

Arluwen asked if she could invite Seamus over instead. I had no reason by which to deny her. While there's no arguing that Seamus is not father material in the slightest, he has actually tried a little bit. For him, that's more than I was ever expecting. Aravilui and Amadrie are on polite terms with him, but Arluwen is considerably closer with her father.

When he arrived, the two of us didn't really talk. We haven't really had much to do with each other since that night so long ago. I did my best to cordial, but Seamus kept sending subtle, flirtatious glances my way. You would think with having the three results of our previous encounter in front of him that he would learn to be a bit more restrained by now. Now I can't help but to think it's a strong possibility that the triplets have other siblings running about somewhere.

Seamus did remind me that it's that time again though. Elerith has been taught everything, and her birthday will be in a couple more days. Since the following day was Saturday, the girls were able to look after their little sister while I went out into town.

As normal, I had much difficulty at first. That's when I went into one of the stores and met a man named Calvin Riffin. He had no engagements with another woman, and the two of us quickly formed a small friendship. I've seen that ever since I grew to accept my life here better that I form relationships faster with the people here. My list of acquaintances and friendships is steadily growing.

Honestly, it was hard to decide what I should do in regards to Mr. Riffin. My first initial thought of him was that I should not be trying to seduce an older man. That's when I remembered he wasn't older at all. I have gotten too used to human standards of age measurement. I am centuries older than he will ever be, no matter what our physical bodies appear to show us as.

It felt a bit wrong to go ahead and do what I've always done. I did it anyway despite that reluctance. Calvin won't be around to see much of the child's life. I'm purposely choosing that the child will grow up without an integral influence in their life. I know I am being selfish, but I hope the child will forgive me someday.

That thought of forgiveness is what allowed me to go through everything with Calvin. It kept me feeling somewhat positive even after he left. My heart would stop in sheer shock a couple hours later. I was watching the television box with Lothi when a news report came on. An adult daughter had gone to her father's home to find him dead in his bed. His name was Calvin Riffin. I could not believe nor understand it.

I knew I would have to prepare to accept Calvin's imminent death soon, but this reality was not something I had ever considered. If Calvin had been so frail, why had he been up and about? Why had he agreed to do such a thing with me? I can only reason it was because he knew his time was up soon, and he wanted to go out with a bit of excitement. Goddess, it feels horrible even just thinking that sentence. Not only will Calvin never get to meet this child, he will never know it ever existed.

I truly will have to love this child twice as hard.

With everything that had happened, I had wanted to go to bed early that morning. However, Arluwen and Amadrie had left a mess in the bathroom. They are always doing that, and rarely do they ever clean up after themselves. Since I'm home all of the time, I do most of the cleaning to keep myself from growing bored. I will have to stop letting them be so lazy though. They're getting closer to adulthood. They need to learn to be more responsible.

The days have passed painfully uneventful since then. There is nothing to distract me from the guilt I feel. The idea that there should be two loving parents around to raise the children has always been firmly engrained into my mind. I have always felt somewhat guilty due to the fact that I can not provide that stable household for my children. Sure, Charlie's been there for Lothi and he adores the others, but it's still not the same as what I imagine an ideal family to be like. This whole situation with Calvin has only made my despair increase.

I was actually hoping my attempt at pregnancy would fail this time. However, the nausea has arrived.

It was one night that I had to awake to throw up that I noticed something strange happening outside. I spotted a figure fiddling with some mysterious instrument. It, well she I suppose, looked like the creatures that had taken Lothi that first night we were at this house.

Despite Elrun warning me previously to not have any contact with these "aliens", I could not stop myself from going outside to see what she wanted. The alien told me her name was Yumay Shukepaj, or that's at least what it sounded like it. While she tried to portray herself as friendly, I wasn't having any of  it.

It was possible this Yumay Shukepaj had been one of the ones who had abducted my daughter. I had to ask if she would explain why they were going around capturing people. I was furious to find out it was because they were doing physical tests on those who they took. My children held special interest to them since they are the only ones to exist in this world's history with the combination of elf and human blood. These aliens remain curious even with the testing they did on Lothi, and Yumay implied they were going to attempt taking her or one of my children again.

I threatened her that if she did, there would be severe consequences. Yumay turned angry at this point, and unfortunately, not threatened in the slightest way. She spoke some words to me in a language I couldn't begin to comprehend and vanished.

I will always protect my children with everything that I have, but I fear that making enemies with an entire foreign species is only asking for trouble......