Reluctance

As you might imagine, the mood has been rather poor around here ever since Eloril left.

It is hard for Elerith and Nadrien to smile. It was so difficult for them to understand what had happened. When they went in their rooms, everything was fine. However, when they came out they found their uncle, who had become so important in their lives in such a short amount of time, was gone and never coming back. I'm sure they feel abandoned. I know I feel that way. I knew Eloril was upset and angry, and I feel terrible for being so hard on him, but I did not truly believe those things would drive him away. I thought after he had time to clear his head that he would come back.

It has never been so painful to be wrong.

I miss Eloril's absence more than I have missed the absence of anyone else before. Even in the quiet moments I cannot find any peace. My mind constantly plays over the fight and his words towards me. Each day the pounding weight in my chest grows heavier. I am beginning to wonder if Eloril has shown me truths I had been ignoring before.

Elrunamir, Ureliel, Elaril, Sildor, Lothirien, Aravilui, Arluwen, Amadrie- I've been talking to them more than I have recently. Either indirectly or directly, I ask if they feel my actions with their fathers has caused them hardships. I've never tried to hide the existence of the task from them. They all told me they knew why I had to act they way I have been. It was Elrunamir's words that comforted me the most. He had watched me work as hard as possible for all of them. I made sure that I did what was necessary for them to be happy- even being willing to give Lothi away to Charlie. He reminded me that he and his siblings were each successful in their own way. I had done my part well.

Like his existence helped me when this task began, he pulled me through now. Elrun eased my mind enough to start going about my days normally again. Unfortunately, it was still a disheartening event when Threlad's birthday arrived. Eloril had so been excited for this day. He loved Elerith and Nadrien, but he was looking forward to have a boy around to teach and roughhouse with. Threlad can't even remember Eloril. All he can remember is a vague figure, and all he knows is the stories his sisters and I tell him.

I've tried to patch things up with Mr. Cacia. I haven't been able to find anyone else able to assist me. While Mr. Cacia has since calmed down and holds no any ill will towards me, he refuses to meet me even though I told him Eloril has left. I guess it does not matter in the end. I don't feel like becoming pregnant right now anyway.

Elerith has been bringing over a boy named Gregorio Hennessey recently. She's made a lot of new friends recently, in fact. I think it's her way of coping. I watch her and Gregorio hesitantly. I haven't been eavesdropping, but I happen to overhear some of their conversations. That's how I found out Gregorio is with another teenage girl.

It saddens me to see how much Eloril's words have affected me. Now I'm doubting my own children. Before I would have been worried of Gregorio making an inappropriate move on my daughter. Now I watch Elerith in fear that she'll do something she isn't supposed to. I know I need to trust her more. She should be able to have a male friend without me worrying that something awful will happen.

Summer has finally reached us. I took a look at the calendar to count the days since Eloril left. So much less time has passed than I thought. That I'm so affected shows how important my brother is. I really can think of little else.

Staying inside the house all alone isn't doing anything to help. Now that Threlad has joined his sisters at school and I have been reluctant to become pregnant, I wander through the empty rooms having nothing else to do. I finally forced myself out though. I went to the beach so I could swim in the ocean. While we have lakes and rivers at home, it is quite a trip to the west land and the ocean there. I have only been there twice before. The magnificence of the beach here rivals the beach of my memories. With the colorful surroundings mountains, crystal clear water, crisp blue sky, and warm sun it seems too good to be true.

Floating weightlessly in the water removed so much of my tension. I used to swim in those lakes and rivers of home almost every day. This is the first time I've been in the water since I left. Why is it only now that I realize I have been denying myself doing so many things that I loved since I arrived here? Why hadn't I kept my head about me and continued living properly? Why did I allow myself to get beaten down so easily? Why am I still doing it now?

Nadrien's birthday party was certainly a bit more cheerful than Threlad's was. As always, I have another beautiful young woman as a daughter. Clarity has come upon me now though. I have let too much time slip away. Despite my feelings, I should have become pregnant long ago. I never will know exactly what the Goddess is thinking, but I'm sure she can't be pleased with me. I wonder if I stop doing as she wishes if she'll take away what she has given me? I might lose the house, my money, or something might even happen to one of my children. I cannot let that last thing happen.

Eloril  really has unknowingly strengthened my reluctance so much for this task. I thought I was done with those feelings, but I see that is not the case. It is truly for the best that he's gone. As I plan my next move, I accept that with Eloril around moving forward isn't possible. He pulled me back, no matter how happy I was with him around. I said earlier that even if he disappeared I could do the rest of this task determinedly with just that brief meeting of ours. I suppose I will have to follow through with those words.

I tried Mr. Cacia once again. Unfortunately, I found out that he has relations with another woman now. In my frustration, I took a walk. When I spotted a man I've never seen before standing outside a house, I couldn't help but to introduce myself. Mr. Devon Shacke is one of the younger men I have met. He has just moved here with his uncle. Mr. Shacke reminded me quite a lot of Seamus, in the fact that he was practically leading me into the bedroom the moment we met. I am glad he was so eager, for I felt nothing. At least I can begin to move forward again.

The girls had their prom that night. They've steadily grown more cheerful, and the more cheerful they become the better I feel. Even though I still don't feel like going through another pregnancy, I hope that getting back into routine will improve the way things are going. It seems to be working so far.

That's what I thought anyway until I heard someone come in the door. I thought it was one of the girls, or perhaps another one of my children coming to visit. That's when I heard loud crying. I rush to the front door to find Eloril standing there, holding a strangely familiar green infant.....