Gen Four- Chapter Twenty Four

The worry and regret seeped in after, for the first time since I arrived years ago, I left Aspen Harbor's limits. I went past the bridge, followed the sidewalk as far as it would go, waited until no cars were around to dodge behind trees, and eventually found myself walking in the wooded hills lining the highway. The worry mostly came from being caught though. I didn't see any property signs banning people, but I'm sure at some point I stepped onto land not meant for travel like I was doing. Away the cars zoomed in the distance. While naturally wanting to remain unseen, I'd need the guide of civilization for a bit. The highway did stretch the majority of the way to my destination. Why make the journey harder than it needed to be? Well, I probably could have taken a taxi partway, which meant me walking was making it harder, but I'd rather not leave any sort of trail. Besides, some taxi drivers were wary enough of driving a lone teenager around in the city. I'd stick out like a sore thumb asking to be driven to any drop-off point I could imagine.

In the end, there was no need for one. I finally split off on my own path towards my destination.

I only wish I could have left the warehouse more prepared. My shoes weren't hurting my feet by any means of their own, but they weren't exactly the best to support my soles on this journey either. If only I'd bought hiking boots recently. I used to always make sure I owned a pair. However, with the passing years and no real reason to fret of being tossed back into living in the woods I stopped the practice. Buying a new pair as I left Aspen Harbor wouldn't have helped either, with the shoes not being broken in properly.

     "At least I'm making good time," I whispered to myself on a break.

No one had spotted me. No one had stopped me. The farther I got, the farther I left my hesitations behind. They weren't anything strong enough to make me waste all this effort. I munched on my snack, took a deep breath of fresh air finally clean from the city's pollution, and glanced to the sky to adjust my position.

It was a good thing Dad, Grandpa, and Mr. Mint taught me so well in the way of orienteering. No doubt Dad's reasoning for all the lessons was to make sure I'd have no excuse of being lost should I have chose to wander past the limits he set. My stomach soured whenever I brought up happy memories, like us spending a cheerful day in the woods, only to understand now all the manipulation behind it. That was what this was all about though. Sighing, I took out what made my wandering even easier.

     "If I'm here, then..."

Cinnamon's splurging about geocaching had prompted me to dig out an old something during my morning preparation. I'd charged it with the battery pack Jessamine and Tulip kept for our cell phones and the like. This old tablet had been a big purchase for me back in the day, although the rapid pace of technology left it on the bulky, obsolete side these days. However, it worked well enough in me installing a GPS app to position myself and keep note of where I needed to go. The only thing was I had to turn it off between uses lest the battery die.

A silly part of me hoped I'd get to my goal before the day ended. Low winds coiling through the trees with the scent of a cool night while stretching shadows began to fade into the weakening sunlight provided the obvious answer that my hope was unachievable. Disappointment didn't hit me too hard though. I would have had to run all day in a straight line to have made it. I just wasn't looking forward to spending a night outside with meager supplies. Again, to avoid suspicion, I'd only been able to bring what I could stuff inside my bookbag. I had my food, which was primarily protein bars. I had my water, three small blankets for a bed, the tablet, a utility knife, and a tiny baggie of medical supplies. Not particular the best safety net. I seriously hated protein bars too. They always left a weird aftertaste in my mouth. Such was why I hesitated on eating 'dinner' when I wandered off the direct path a bit to find a spot near the hills with few signs of animals about. Thank goodness there hadn't been wolves in these areas for a long time.

As the sky darkened, I glanced up thinking of bears. Were there bears around? It'd been one thing I'd overlooked checking in my hasty preparations. There were some living in the woods if Dad hadn't been lying about that too. I searched for the star-bears as those silver lights began to twinkle ruminating on how his warning truly might be the most honest thing that ever left his lips. I searched my brain picking apart all my memories, not having a distraction for these slow hours. Sifting through everything only being able to grab slivers of truth here and there eventually turned my head numb. I rolled out my blankets, switched out the protein bar for a precious granola bar instead, took one big sip of water, and curled up for what rest would find me.

The weather predictions blessedly proved accurate. Only a few lazy clouds spotted the night sky, and the temperature didn't dip too low. Unfortunately, my nerves of nightly dangers did prevent my sleep from reaching deep, as did the bugs wishing to crawl over me. I picked a spider out of my hair when the tepid morning sun slid down the hill to stir me from the best few hours of rest I managed to steal. The protein bar was forced down then, I permitted myself more water, and I found the best spot I could to use the bathroom. My feet got massaged. I spared a splash of water to rinse my teeth and face. My muscles were stretched. Everything packed up nicely. Then the very last thing to do went wrong.

     "C'mon. You worked just fine last night in this same spot," I grumbled.

I madly tapped the tablet's surface over and over again. It'd been slow to wake, and the first three times I tried to get into the GPS app it crashed before it could load. Now it opened but wouldn't focus on my position. It only tried to orient itself in Aspen Harbor, to the street corner where I first turned it on.

     "What's the point of a tool that's supposed to tell me where I am no matter what if it has conditions on when it's able to work?" I complained.

The tablet kept trying to connect to the internet. Obviously, there was none of that around here. It took me half an hour of fiddling with the settings and wasting battery before the map pulled up properly.

Nothing of interest happened for the longest time. I walked, rested when my feet begged for a break, and checked my position with the tablet. Then I got to the point where the thing couldn't help me anymore. I'd reached the area marked 'Unavailable' by the satellite maps, which sent the GPS reeling and my dot sporadically jumping to random places. That was when the repetitive scenery spurred nervous tingles in my gut. I was actually getting closer. I was actually doing this. I really had to pay attention now. Trees and sloping hills were not all I was bound to find anymore.

And find something I did. It started with me recognizing a harder ground underneath my feet. Curious, I dug for a moment to discover ages-old cut rock hidden beneath the dirt. All it took past that was a glimpse up the way to see how the hidden stone followed a still decreased line of plant growth to realize this had once been a road. At the end of the road? Well, I found none other than an abandoned mine. Boarded up with rotting planks and rusty nails, discarded carts lay upon another as far as the eye could see, which wasn't far given that pure darkness soon consumed the tunnel.

     "If I was a bit more reckless, I almost might want to explore this a little."

The temptation was there. The weak boards could be knocked down with a big stick, so I wouldn't have to worry about touching them. The carts were clustered in the center of the tunnel. Getting around them wouldn't be a problem. I'd only go as far the sunlight would reach. However, no, I was not that reckless. I walked up to the entrance, sure, but that was as far as I would ever go.

But all my sensations suddenly detached. The world went black, and my consciousness floated outside the confines of my body. Stranger than that, I could still feel. It just wasn't me who moved. I was merely a watcher and not the puppet-master, and though I registered touch, sound, scent...it was if I registered it from ten feet over. My feet ached more than they had. My shoulders burned with strain. Those shoulders were much larger than mine. A man's? The indecipherable clamor of voices was both welcome and not. 'I' just wanted silence, but at least the noise helped drown out the shouting of someone barking orders from behind me. Someone 'I' hated. The harsh reverberation of a tool, a pickaxe, chaffed my hands raw as it worked the stone. Down and down into the cold and uncertain darkness I pressed. My throat soon grew sore from demanding with those alongside me that it was too far. That the rock groaned too much. But the hated one didn't listen. Just one more day, 'I' told myself. That would be the day the groaning turned into a roar. I'd sensed it coming, so I ran and ran until the safety of light was almost upon me. Frustratingly, the collapsing rock was also upon me. Underneath it I went, and there I lay until the fire burning my lungs gave out. I wouldn't move again. They had seen me though. He had seen me. With the broke rock content, it wouldn't take much effort to dig me free. As long as I could rest somewhere more comfortable...but they're blocking up the entrance? They're sealing me in? But I'm right here. I'm right here. I want to be free.

I should be free. I want to be free.

I will be free.

At what point that other's sensation became mine, I didn't know. I only realized his was mine when my own core was pulled in two directions. The one I was wanted me, but a much stronger sensation yanked me free. It was the strength of a single strand of hair against a rope. A naughty infant clutching a stolen toy, and the parent taking it away. The strong force held me firmly yet kindly, irritated but not overly bothered by what now slithered away with a growl.

I blinked. I shook my head. My lungs needed a deep breath, for it was if someone squeezed my head forcing out what was there. Had I just blacked out? I thought things turned dark for a second, but I guess I must have been staring in the tunnel for too long. It seriously was creepy. I didn't spook easily after living at the warehouse for so long. However, I swore I saw a pair of angry eyes glowing at me from within the deep black.

     "There's definitely bad air inside there." I covered my mouth with my arm. "No wonder this place was condemned. My head feels fuzzy."

Walking away was the only logical choice.

The strange pressure on my head continued for an hour after I left the mine. It was as if something was forcing me to forget, because once that hour passed I seriously had to concentrate to recall I'd even gone by there. Perhaps the lone reason I did remember was because of me wondering if those mine tunnels had anything to do with the tunnel Mr. Flaxen and I used to escape. The distance between them wasn't impossible. Or, it could be there had been another mine in the area, and that's where the tunnel had come from.

Somewhere around lunch I stopped dead in my tracks. Shock froze every muscle. The situation obviously was that one's home could never leave you that easily, but it took a good minute of me staring at what was around to accept it as familiar. I'd actually gone about this smart enough and trusted my skills to bring me to my destination? To be fair, my house was hardly over the next hill. This area was at the edge of the place I'd wandered with Grandpa in tow. A forty-five minute walk remained, but still...

It was only a forty-five minute walk away.

The bookbag slid off my shoulder as heat once more took hold in my chest. O-Okay, I needed to have something to eat. I needed to have something to drink. This had gone faster and more smoothly than anticipated, but the dangerous part of this truly lay ahead. Perhaps it would be better to circle around and...

     "Nutmeg!"

I didn't react to the noise. Not at first. Comprehending my success desensitized me to everything else, even though mustering my senses to full recognition was exactly what I told myself had to be done. Who knows what government or Company employee or whoever could sneak up on me now?

     "Nutmeg!"

It finally struck that the sound of my name was real. What didn't come off as real, however, was Pieter rapidly stomping his way over.

     "...Pieter?" I tilted my head, waiting for my mad brain to make this ghost of him disappear.

He didn't disappear. Of course he didn't. As crazy as it was to think of him being right in front of me, to rather have it be my mind imagining him was the crazier thing. The truth sank in when Pieter was one step away. I recoiled when glancing at his taught expression. Was it anger he wore? When he reached his hand out, was it to hit me as I'd hit him? Pieter had been gone for a long time without word, but at least he'd given something of a hint that he'd be gone. I just left. Honestly, I might feel better about hitting him if he hit me too.

     "You're seriously..." Pieter complained at me, only pulling me into an embrace.

An embrace I melted into. I'd been burning with heat, yes, but Pieter's warm hold came as something completely different. It wasn't a heat of fear and uncertainty, but one that I'd long gone to for security and reassurance. We stood there with the sounds of nature filling the otherwise silent air between us.

Until the cogs spinning deep within me jolted with a spark to set my arms thick with goosebumps. Pieter willingly stepped back when I wrenched free of him, muscles tense as rocks and eyes narrowed to a point.

     "What do you think you're doing here!?" I demanded. "You can get a whole month to fuck off and do whatever you want, but heaven forbid I try to do something for myself?"
     "That's not what─"
     "You've wasted your time, for I'll hear nothing of you trying to turn me around! My choices are my own!"
     "They are, but─"
    "I'm going home! Don't you dare try to whine about how I lied, or how I went without saying something! You have no idea what this means, and to follow me to stop me─"
     "Nutmeg, I'm not here to stop you!"

Pieter finally pushed for a sentence of his own.

What he said halted me long enough to stop reacting off my first instinct. I'd expected anger, rebuke, belittling. Pieter just stood there as calmly as one could be with someone shouting at him though. His eyes hid no lie.

     "...What?"
     "I'm not here to stop you," he repeated.
     "Why not?"
     "Well, it was my first intention when I realized what you were doing, but─"
     "Wait, how did you even know what I was doing?"
    "Twenty Questions, huh? Okay. I just...had a really strong feeling about it. I was talking with Jess, Tulip, Cinny, and all them yesterday about how you were while I was gone. Then I put that together with what I know about you and how you looked after our conversation. All these years we've talked about your past, when we realized you had no babysitting job, when you left your phone behind, when it was clear you were actually gone...the conclusion came as pretty obvious. My research into the pieces of my past that haunted me spurred you into doing the same."
     "And...you're okay with that?"
    "Like I said, I meant to stop you at first. The situations you might encounter are a lot more dangerous than what I was doing. Then I realized it was not my place to make your decision. I just...just wanted to be with you when it happened. So I could get a proper goodbye."

My eyes narrowed again, but this time from confusion.

     "Proper...? Pieter, I'm not, like, turning myself in or anything," I clarified.
     "Uh..." He needed a good long moment to make another sound. "No?"
     "No."
     "But you just said you were going home."
    "I didn't mean it like that," I sighed. Annoyingly, with that breath, I found myself tearing up. "I...you are right. Everything that was left behind here has followed me as a cold shadow. What you did was the reason I finally decided to turn around and face it. I-I wanted to see what had become of everything. I hoped, I hope it might be abandoned or at least unwatched enough for me to get close to the house. My burdened memories have morphed it into an enigma. Seeing it, being inside might finally lock what I feel into something clear and less confusing. Or, there is a small part of me that thinks, if I do find the area occupied, I might come to the conclusion I want to turn myself in...on my own terms. The only reason I wouldn't come back is if I messed up and got myself caught."
     "Oh. I...that makes me glad," Pieter exhaled, relieved.
     "But─"
     "But?"
    "But I was so certain until I got here!" I barely held back my tears. "I recognize this place! I wanted to go past where I'd been before, so Grandpa took us out on a walk. This little valley, we said it looked like a lazy hot dog bun. It's still a bit of a walk to the house, but I don't have to wonder if I'm going the right way anymore! I just want to stop hating myself, but the longer we stand here..."

Pieter frowned but offered an embrace. I let him draw me in low while I clutched his shoulder for support and sought a grounding touch against his cheek.

    "Nutmeg, you don't have to hate yourself. I'm surprised to hear you do. You're such a good person, and you're some of the best of us. You..." Pieter trailed off when I hurriedly shook my head.
     "I-I don't think I'm a bad person, but I f-feel so disgusted with everything."
     "What do you mean by everything?"
    "Everything! The lies I tell, conning people, stealing my sister's name when she didn't get the chance to use it, still not being able to figure out if I would live as I did with Dad and Grandpa while knowing the truth if I could turn back time..."
     "You stopped doing the cons I taught you long ago. Who do you even lie to these days?"
    "It doesn't change the fact that I did them! And what are you on about? I lie nearly everyday, to all the people I babysit for, to the people I talked with at stores, to the library staff."
     "I, well, that's not untrue. Those are technically lies, but I can't see a reason to feel guilty over them."
    "You don't get it, Pieter! It's not even the guilt that's the worst of the problem. It's Dad! He molded me exactly how he wanted me. I can't even begin to understand how deeply he trapped me into trusting him. To follow unquestioningly, to never lie. It was only when I was with Grandpa, another authority figure, that I ever dared to tip in a way like Dad didn't want, such as going out for that walk. What I did in the months before the raid was...was so not me. It would have been a confined spot of disobedience on an otherwise endless squeaky clean record. To go from that to the way we've had to live, it challenges what he put in my core. I don't think it's ever coming out."

My words shook. I said what I felt, but I had no idea if Pieter could understand what in the world I was trying to say. All of this only scratched the surface too. No way I could expunge every drop of the storm inside. It helped, however, when I miserably raised my eyes to a clearing in the dark clouds. Pieter didn't do anything besides smile at me with eyes full of love, but it was enough to remind me there was more than my burdened chest.

My legs that had been so rigid softened until they couldn't support my weight. Pieter and I slowly sank to the ground where he collected me against him while I did my best just to breathe.

     "I get enough of what you're trying to say. It's not quite the same, but I recall some of how I used to be before Boulder died, before Mom left, before Dad became a zombie. To have the world force you to play a role you don't want, it hurts. I'll always fight that the disobediences we've done to survive are not crimes that should weigh on our hearts, but I understand my thoughts are not yours as well as that you have a right to them. Maybe we can find someone who can better talk with you about it in a way I don't know how. Regardless, I'll be here to help if you think I can provide it." Pieter took a long breath. "About Cinnamon...who can say what a few day old baby would grow up to think? I can't imagine she'd condemn you for using her name. We could always just come out with the truth too. Besides Cinny teasing about it causing moments of confusion, no one is going to make it a big deal. Your real name or who you are. Then, about thinking you might go back to your previous life if possible even knowing the truth─ our minds, everyone's minds are erratic. People have 'bad' thoughts all the time. Wanting the person who cut them off to drive into a ditch. Needing money and contemplating what it would be like to rob a bank. That sort of thing. No one talks about it though because of the stigma. Nutmeg, you are not at fault for wanting what was safe and happy when times get hard. Even if it was possible, you still wouldn't be the one to blame. You're the child. You're not responsible for the terrible actions of the adults in your life, and it is not on you to ensure they get whatever punishment logic dictates they should have."

Pieter rubbed my back as he spoke. I listened, kept breathing, and finally...laughed.

     "How wise," I noted quietly.
    "Remember those tests I failed? Health was one of them, so I've picked up a few psychology books to expand my repertoire," Pieter remarked brightly.

I nodded and giggled before going silent. Pieter glanced my way now and again, waiting for a response or continuation of the conversation, I'm sure. Nothing was going to come though. I was done with words for the moment. I'd splurged out enough of my worries with Pieter counteracting most of them to leave me drained from the whiplash. My heart raced from being so close to home, and I remained shocked from Pieter's abrupt appearance.

Oh...yeah...

     "Pieter, how the fuck did you find me? I had good enough luck finding my way when I generally knew where I was going and used a GPS, but you were following me on a whim and just so happened to stumble upon me in miles and miles of wilderness? Especially when I had a major head start?"
     "I didn't understand where you were going until this morning. If I had time left, I'd have be driven. I got a taxi to the closest public place near here. That's how I was able to catch up. However, finding you...I can't explain it in a way that doesn't sound ridiculous. All I can say is that I walked as if someone was holding my hand and guiding me to you. Given that I had no other option, I followed the sensation since it seemed to be heading in the right direction."
     "That...is ridiculous," I said.

Pieter shrugged. What more could I say? Pieter wasn't lying, and more information wouldn't suddenly manifest by prodding him. He and I sat there, eventually laying there as we let the situation keep settling. I only wish the tension in my body vanished. Pieter's presence worked somewhat, but he was half a pill against the flu. He didn't protest when I kissed him now and again searching for the comfort that'd been there before, and I hid my disappointment that enough wasn't coming. Just kissing, just cuddling wouldn't work. My silly mind thus went for the one simple conclusion.

     "Pieter," My palm pressed against his chest, "be with me."

His wide smile surprised me. An agreement that easily? Teenage boys were something else, huh? Then Pieter opened his mouth to reveal to discrepancy.

     "I will. I...I know I lost a lot of your trust being gone, but I will do everything I can from now on to make sure you know you can still have faith in me. I'll be crystal clear about whatever I'm doing whenever you want to know. I will double-down on getting along with Dad. If you want to live with him instead of getting an apartment, I'm fine with that. Truly, whatever."

Okay. He assumed I was prompting the unspoken uncertainty about our relationship after what he did. That did make more sense though.

     "That's not what I mean."
     "What do you mean?" Pieter tilted his head.
     "I mean...be with me."

How else could I say it without sounding crass? Pieter's head only tilted further though, so I went with action instead of words. His smile faded and his eyes went wide as I straddled him.

     "Uhh..." he hesitated. "Oh."
     "Yeah?"
    "Yeah, what?" Pieter was torn, trying not to laugh. "Are you telling me you want to have sex now when we're within spitting distance of highly powerful government or Company surveillance?"
    "The house is almost an hour away. No chance they'd have power-demanding surveillance this far out."
   "Well, I appreciate your faith in my ability to provide a pleasant time when it is a possibility they're watching, we're out here in the middle of nowhere on the hard ground, I have no protection, and I'm a virgin with no experience myself, need I remind you. The answer is no." Pieter denied me, and his eyes squinted in amused irritation with his grin growing as I nestled closer upon him. "Even with you doing that."
     "C'mon. This is not the time to find some willpower," I whined.
     "This is the perfect time for some willpower!" Pieter laughed.

He defiantly, but lovingly, wiggled me off until I was in a more acceptable position of simply resting on him. I would have rolled away to lay by myself had the itching desire to be enthralled by him still not claimed me. Pieter laughed again at my loud huff.

     "I'm seriously stunned. For the one who had no interest in intimacy, to suddenly be this adamant about doing it right here..."
    "It's kinda like what I told you before. I'm not in love with you, but I love you and your touch plants my feet on the ground. This little trip has shaken me up, so touches and kisses alone aren't good enough," I explained.

Pieter opened and closed his mouth, more awkward than before, serious too, and blushing.

    "I really do appreciate the amount of faith you have in me to think sleeping with me would be so impactful. I don't take that lightly. Don't get me wrong either. I want to sleep with you. I do." He raised a brow when I glanced up hopefully. "But this is not the right time."
     "The ground's not that bad."
    "Says the one not laying on the ground." Pieter poked my forehead. "But seriously, you said it right now that you're shaken up. I can't get myself to believe us both opening up that deeply in such an uncertain environment will do any good. I'm more concerned about your emotional state in that regard than I am swayed by a temporary whim on what you think may fix the much more deeply-rooted reasons for why you seek the comfort in the first place."

I frowned hard.

    "Stop reading those psychology books. That's an order from your teacher," I commanded, which Pieter met with a smirk.
     "Except I'm the more rebellious one here, so no," he refused. "Let's just take our rest, and we'll figure out what you want to do about going home after that, huh? Just remember, we'll go together either way."
     "That's...fine," I accepted.

Letting go of my resistance, I snuggled Pieter properly. He held me tight, and that was perfect for me for now.