It was one of those moments where I was highly glad that Allium could be so utterly unobservant about the world around him. It was a month into our senior year of high school, and we were standing out in one of the back walkways of the building not too long after we had been let out for the day. Taking a page out of my book, Allium normally chose to wait ten or fifteen minutes for the vast majority of students to clear out of the parking lot before he made any attempt to leave. And, like usual, we spent that time waiting together. However, that afternoon was one of the ones that was becoming more common for me. I found myself pensive, worried, a little anti-social, and rather frightened. It was growing harder to hide such expressions on my face, which was why I was relieved about Allium not paying a heap of attention to me.
"They thought it would help them get down the hill faster." Allium laughed as he continued the story he was telling me about his friends in Bayport and their sled races over the past winter.
He faced forward as he talked, so I was able to fool him with the occasional appropriate comment and hastily placed smile when I sensed him giving me a quick glance. I wish I could have enjoyed the story more, for it was amusing, but it had been a long time since I had wanted Allium to just go away and leave me alone already.
I felt horrible about myself for feeling that way, of course. Allium was being his typical friendly, doting self. I forced myself to cheer up at least briefly when he decided to leave. I gave him as big of a smile as I could muster when he turned towards me, and I laughed genuinely when he wrapped his arm around me to give me a goodbye kiss.
"That tickles," I pointed out with a giggle, "Someone has got some stubble. Forget to shave this morning?"
"Nope. Just lazy." Allium replied merrily before purposely tickling the skin on my cheek with those tiny strands of facial hair again, "Anyway, we all set for this weekend then?"
"All set." I confirmed.
"Great. My grandparents will be thrilled to hear it."
We said a few more words to each other before Allium did go ahead and leave. I couldn't take my eyes off him as he departed. My mood shifted right back to how it had been before Allium was even able to turn the corner. It grew worse the second he was out of sight. My boyfriend was half the reason I had trouble sleeping at night now. Honestly, I don't think I had slept well once since I had heard the truth he was unable to tell me. My sense of stability in life had been fragile enough, and hearing his words had all but shattered it. I needed his support almost more than I needed anybody else's, but I no longer had any idea what I had with him. Every second I was questioning him. When he was kissing me, what was he really thinking? When he passed on the message that his grandparents wanted to take us to a play at some fancy theater in Bayport, was he really as excited as he seemed? What if he had actually been wanting to break up with me this weekend instead? What if this would be the last weekend where he was my boyfriend? What if he was hiding behind a fake smile like I was? I knew Allium was doing that already to some extent.
The lone thought that kept me mildly composed was that Allium hadn't broken up with me yet. He had admitted that he was split 50-50 on the matter. As much as he wanted to call things quits, he wanted to stay with me just as much. I could delude myself into thinking because we were still together that I could make the percentage of us staying together slowly go back up. Even if it forced me to lie, I told Allium nothing but words of encouragement on the occasions he asked how my 'situation' was going. I pretended that things were getting better and that the problem wasn't as bad as I originally made it out to be. With Allium appearing to have grown more cheerful in the past several weeks, I hoped my deceptions were working.
Unfortunately, every inch of progress I made on that front only dragged me down further on the other. It was indeed lies I was telling Allium. The danger of the situation was as bad as it had always been. He hadn't been wrong when he said that knowing me put all of my friends at risk. Eden wasn't as willing to tell me how things were going anymore, which had me fearing the lead he thought they had was falling through. The fact that he looked constantly pressured was only more evidence for that. He and his friends had about eight months left after all. Eight months to figure out what they hadn't been able to crack in nearly eight years. It definitely didn't inspire confidence. I was beginning to wonder if there was much of a point to me trying anymore. Why should I bother continuing with my applications to college? Should I really keep clinging to Allium's and mine relationship? Would it not be better to let it fade off now and give him time to get over the heartbreak instead of doing it right before I had to take off?
My eyes must have glazed over some as I stared dully at the grass.
I was so out of it that I never noticed another person approaching me. I jumped slightly and inhaled sharply when Purity seemed to pop out of thin air right next to me, but as soon as the shock wore off my expression fell once more. I desperately tried to collect myself, but I couldn't get my feelings hidden away. Knowing Purity had seen the worst of it, I gave up and glanced her way sheepishly.
"Should I even waste my energy asking if something's wrong?" she mused.
I grinned wryly and shook my head.
"Interested in telling me what's causing you of all people to look so mopey? You normally look like you're high on life. Seeing you so down makes you not even look like you." Purity revealed.
I really had to give her a good look for a moment. Honestly, I was ecstatic for a moment. Be it that trip to Wonder Light or something else, but Purity truly had changed. We definitely weren't best friends or anything. I guess it was only Sap more than the rest of us who could kind of call her a friend. Yet, looking at her then in that moment, I felt like I was looking at someone I had talked to each and every day for my entire life. I couldn't deny that there was that connection between us that had me sure I could tell her whatever I wanted and she wouldn't tell a soul.
Taking a deep breath, I thought over my words carefully. I wanted to tell her the truth, but I wasn't sure which truth to tell. I figured it would be safe to start with the least dangerous one.
"You've...never dated anyone, right?" I quietly asked to confirm.
"Right." Purity replied much more openly than expected.
"I've heard you've been asked out lots of times though."
"That's true, but I've never accepted once."
"Why?"
"Because I know all those boys were only interested because I'm white. There was a time when I wouldn't have cared about that being the reason, but I find myself getting more and more tired of shallow and vapid love. It doesn't seem to last, and it leaves me with too many questions," Purity confessed, "There was one guy I was interested in who I knew couldn't have cared less about the color of my skin, but he was unavailable to me from the start. Now I've pretty much moved on."
"I hear you have a strong supporter for you and Sap in the form of Mr. Spring." I pointed out with a little smile.
"Eh, yes, that. Mr. Spring is a well intended man, I'm sure, but at the moment I'm actually not that interested in pursuing a relationship."
"Good luck getting that through his head," I chuckled, "It was only until Sap started instructing you about opening a business that he gave Sap and me a rest."
"Good to know," Purity nodded before giving me a different kind of look, "But I don't think him bugging you is what you want to get off your chest."
I had to nod.
"Since you asked about me dating, I'm assuming you're having relationship problems with Allium. To be honest, I'm surprised it's taken this long for things to ere on the troublesome side. Your group of friends seems to be addicted to pairing up with each other, and normally that would lead to way more problems than what you've seen so far."
That was a truth I had to admit, although I wondered how Purity's mind would change if she knew about Frost and Sunflower's little scare. So far, I remained the only other person who had that knowledge. Frost and Sunflower had finally started dating officially at the end of summer, much to almost everyone's surprise and Sunset's continued disappointment that she wasn't dating anyone, and were thankfully doing well. Sunflower hinted that there had been a long dry spell in her and Frost's "activities" after the scare, but despite choosing to continue with such things there were taking precautions almost to where some became wholly unnecessary.
I often secretly watched Frost and Sunflower being together. I longed for the earlier days of my relationship where everything was right. I admitted to Purity what was wrong now after taking a moment to collect myself.
"I never thought Amaranth and Cocoa would continue to be together at this point. True, they're really only still dating because neither of them have called the relationship off yet, but they are still in that relationship. Meanwhile, Allium and I get along great. I love hanging out with him, and I simply love him. I know he loves me too. However, everyday I wake up wondering if we might break up before Am and Cocoa."
"If you two love each other and get along, why would you break up?" Purity naturally wondered.
"He's scared, and I guess I'm scared too."
Purity said nothing. She merely gave me one of those looks that had my tongue untangling with ease.
"I told him a little about why I disappeared. About what I'm hiding now. The truth isn't pleasant, and until everything is solved I don't want to get anyone mixed up in my mess. Allium's being torn between wanting to be with me and escaping from the unfortunate position I've placed him in. He hasn't told me that directly. I overheard him, and now I'm scared both because I don't know if I should hold on or put him out of his misery on top of worrying if my mess will be fixed by the time graduation comes around."
"What will happen if it's not?" Purity asked.
"I'll have to leave," I revealed, "Probably very suddenly. I don't know if I'll ever be able to come back, much less contact anyone here again."
"Are you sure you don't want my life to be yours?" Purity teased, "My life...isn't perfect, but it seems a lot less complicated than whatever you've got going on."
"You know what, I would give anything to have a life like yours. Yours isn't normal compared to most people, but it's a lot more normal compared to mine." I laughed with quiet longing.
Purity scoffed out a little laugh of her own.
"The more you say things like that, the more you make me want to know the truth."
"In the end, I think you'll find you would rather not know the truth more than you want your curiosity to be satisfied." I pointed out.
"Perhaps. However, I think you'll find I have a way of getting what I want," Purity teased again, "But I suppose I can leave that matter for another time. You can merely tell me what else is bothering you instead."
"What do you mean?" I asked nervously.
That caused Purity to raise a brow.
"I can read you like a book. I don't know why, but I can tell when you're lying to me and when you're hiding things from me. Right now, you're hiding something."
I slumped against the wall and shook my head in uncertainty, which only made Purity stare at me with more conviction.
"Maybe you're even hiding it from yourself," she proposed, "Something that you know you know or that you feel, but either social pressure or fear of the repercussions are forcing you to deny it."
"That's not..." I trailed off miserably.
There was no point in finishing the sentence. Purity was right on all accounts, and we both understood that. My momentary silence was only deepened when merely thinking about what Purity was digging at sent my heart racing that familiar race. It had grown impossible to think that thought without loving how it made me feel while also hating myself for being swept away.
"When...Sap and I were testing the waters," I began timidly, "Allium invited me to homecoming. He told me it had been a long while since he had considered me just a friend. Of course, it wasn't until Sap revealed his own platonic feelings that Allium and I got together, but in the weeks before that I spent a lot of time being pulled in both directions. I liked Sap, but...I liked Allium too. He would cause my heart to beat swiftly. I loved hearing each and every laugh of his. I had a hard time keeping my eyes off of him. And now, I fear I'm in the same sort of predicament I was in then. Only this time, it seems like it's worse. Much worse."
My head whipped in Purity's direction when she let out a loud laugh.
"So that's what the issue is," she giggled, "Your relationship with Allium is on the ropes, and now you're falling in love with Amaranth."
I shot off the wall, my eyes wide.
"W-what?! Who said anything about Amaranth?!"
"Oh please," Purity chuckled harder, "It's insanely obvious, even without that kind of reaction."
"It's-"
"Look me right in the eye and deny it then." Purity interrupted and demanded with the kind of confidence I hated that she had.
Needless to say, I couldn't fulfill her request. I could only stand there with my mouth open and no words passing my lips as I wrestled with the truth.
"As surprised as I am that it's taken this long for your little group to start having problems, I was always much more astonished that Amaranth ever bothered with dating Cocoa in the first place. He would have to be the biggest idiot in the world if he thought what he felt for her was real when he's been head over heels in love with you for forever." Purity said.
"No he hasn't." I whispered.
"Just because you've been blind to it doesn't mean we all have. I knew from the moment he slammed me down onto the floor in Mrs. Chamois' classroom that his heart belonged to you. Why he didn't act on those feelings sooner is a great mystery."
"Even if...he has been, what does it matter now? Sure, Am and Cocoa are practically broken up, but Al and I-"
"Aren't doing great either, according to what you've just told me," Purity interrupted yet again, "You told me you only overheard what Allium actually feels as well. I'm guessing you haven't talked to him about it?"
I nodded.
"You're bound to be doomed if you don't. No matter how happy things appear on the surface, all of that can easily be broken apart when doubts, worries, and regrets are swept under the rug. A tiny crack in the path becomes a hole that can threaten to swallow everything." Purity spoke almost sadly, making me contemplate if watching a certain couple close to her with their own problems gave her the experience to speak with conviction.
"But even if I spoke to Al about what I heard, how on earth does that help with...what I feel for Amaranth?" I questioned pitifully, my voice growing quieter than before.
Purity placed her hand on my shoulder for a second to get my falling head to look up again.
"Despite what people say, you're not at fault having feelings for two people. You didn't choose to feel how you feel. It just happens. If you can love hundreds of other people platonically, why is it such a ridiculous idea that there might be more than one person on the planet who can capture you romantically? However, it's something you're going to have to address with Allium after you figure out what's going on with you two. It might be the reason why Allium is able to continue the charade he's got going on is because he doesn't know that you know what you know. If he finds out you're putting on a charade too, however, it could sway his feelings towards your relationship ending. It could go the other way as well, but, like I said, not being honest with each other is the guaranteed way for your relationship to end," she explained before taking a deep breath, "And what you feel for Amaranth can't be a secret either. If you and Allium break up, give it time before you make another move. If Amaranth and Cocoa break up and you and him get together afterwards, it's going to be awkward for you all no matter what. However, you and Allium will be broken up. You'll be free to make whatever choice you want to make, and some momentary discomfort with your friends is no excuse from stopping yourself from loving the person you want to love. On the other chance that you and Allium decide you want to try and remain together, you should tell him this secret of yours right away. It wouldn't be fair to sway him into a commitment if your heart is being lured somewhere else. I think Sap helped you learn a good lesson about that. Then there's also the fact that Allium should hear the truth for you. I suppose I should ask, do you think Amaranth will be returning your feelings anytime soon?"
"He became well aware of his feelings long before I became aware of mine. Cocoa knows who he really wants to be with too." I admitted in a mumble.
"Then it's only a matter of time before word gets around or Allium figures it out himself. He's going to be just as unhappy, probably even more unhappy, finding it out that way rather than getting the privilege of you respecting him enough to reveal such a difficult truth yourself. Most people don't have the guts."
"But it's going to break his heart. And mine." I said miserably.
"Do you think there's a way out of this situation without achieving that same result?" Purity wondered with genuine interest.
"No."
"If the situation is going to have a bad end no matter what, it might as well be done in a way that makes you free of being called a liar. Hearts might get broken, but choosing your actions wisely might bring you all back together as friends once the pain fades away."
The ground held my stare again for the longest time. I detested many of Purity's words, but I didn't have the option of denying their wisdom. Then, strangely enough, I began to feel slightly better. Purity had just given me a plan of action whereas minutes earlier I hadn't had the slightest clue as to what to do. Doing something felt better than doing nothing, and if things went terribly, terribly wrong I could always complain to Purity about how off she had been. Thinking it over and deciding I would have the first part of the conversation the day after mine and Allium's trip to Bayport, I faced Purity again with my stance straighter.
"I wish there was a way to break free of this mess without anyone getting hurt, but it's just not possible. With no other choice, I'll take your advice. As thanks, I'll give you something in return."
"Oh?" Purity replied, highly intrigued.
"My deadline is a little after graduation, like I mentioned. On the strong chance that my mess isn't fixed before then, before I leave...I'll tell you the truth. All of it."
"That's a pretty generous gift."
"Someone has to know," I said with soft determination, "I can't stand to leave without at least one person knowing why, and I'll admit that I'm not offering the truth selflessly. Too many times over the years, especially since those two weeks, I've struggled with whether or not I should share my secret. The lone decision I've come to is to tell you, so that you can have the burden of spreading it or keeping it as your own instead."
To my surprise, Purity merely smiled again.
"I have to wonder, why are you trusting me with this 'burden' of yours? It would make more sense to tell Sunset or Sunflower, or at least Allium since he already knows some of it."
"I said it at my sleepover, and I'll say it again now. We're a lot more alike than you know. Not so much in our personalities or characteristics, but in a way that will make sense once you know everything. You'll understand because we can see the world in a way very few others can."
Purity's smile grew wider.
"My dad was right on the mark. I wish I could have been friends with you too. You fascinate me. Absolutely fascinate me. I bet I could have cracked your secret long ago if I hadn't been clinging onto a delusion." she remarked.
"We could always...now..." I mumbled sheepishly.
"I fear it's a little too late- at least while you're all but guaranteeing you're a disappearance waiting to happen. I don't like farewells. However, I'm satisfied knowing I'll be the one to get to say a proper goodbye."
I shifted with nerves, but they were the good kind of nerves. Unfortunately, Purity still seemed to have a knack for putting me in problematic predicaments. Her intentions were good, but neither of us knew how things would change drastically for me not even ten minutes later.
"Amaranth is actually looking for you." Purity suddenly revealed.
"Eh?"
"There was another student council meeting today. Just a quick one. I saw him after they got out, and he asked if I knew if you were still around. He wants to talk to you. It hasn't been that long. I'm sure he's still nearby. Let me go tell him you're here."
"I don't know..."
"You haven't talked honestly with Allium in a while. When's the last time you had a honest talk with Amaranth?" Purity questioned knowingly, a bit of her trademark smug grin peeking through when I couldn't answer, "You should take this chance. Don't reveal everything. It's too soon for that. Yet, this is a great opportunity for you to look at him and figure out how you actually feel. Do you truly like him, or is the meadow just greener on the other side?"
My words were lost to me once more. With a wink, Purity was off down the corridor and out of sight around the corner.
I felt like I was about to stand trial, being frozen like a statue like I was. It was one of those moments where passing out seemed appropriate, but monitoring my breathing to keep that from happening was the way I kept myself somewhat under control. I cursed mentally when Amaranth casually strolled around the corner. My thoughts went off again to the places I didn't want them to go. The one that rang the loudest was my sudden hatred of his shirt. That stupid, stupid shirt of his that I had bought for his birthday because I believed it would look good on him. And it definitely did. It took that moment to show me how much of a thing I had for plaid button-ups. Amaranth giving me his big old grin while making his way over didn't help to quell the furious pounding in my chest either.
I put up a good act for several seconds or so. It took all my strength to not back away when Amaranth got close, because the closer he got the deeper the ache consuming my body got. I was thirsty and hungry without being thirsty or hungry, and the desire to reach out and grab what was right in front of me made me feel as if I had been emotionless up until now.
"It's good to see that you're still here." Amaranth said.
I hit myself mentally this time when just the sound of his voice honestly had me melting. It was different. Deeper. More of a man's, less of a boy's. Amaranth was shooting up in height and broadening out like Allium and Frost had done last year.
"Did you need something?" I asked, stunned that I managed to get out a normal, coherent sentence.
"Eh, nothing special. That preliminary program over the summer showed me that I definitely need to study my physics a bit harder. I barely made it through that AP class last year. I was just wondering if you wanted to come over to give me some homework help." Amaranth requested.
"Sure. I don't mind. I got most of my homework done in study hall today."
"Great," Amaranth replied eagerly, "And if you can help me get my work done without it taking me all night like normal, how about we go see what's playing at the cinema? My treat."
Already I was thinking I had gotten myself in over my head. It had been months since I had spent any alone time with Amaranth. In fact, the last time we had been truly alone together was at the end of last school year when I had been helping him with his schoolwork then too. I had made excuses or invited someone else along as well when he asked after that because that was when what he made me feel became entirely unavoidable. Now I had just walked right on in to what would turn out to be a whole afternoon with him, and with my current mindset the word that was coming up again and again was that troublesome "date" word. It wasn't like Amaranth had to worry about being interested in someone else anymore. He and Cocoa really were done. I think they hadn't even said one word to each other in days. Neither of them had had the guts to go ahead and make the final call yet though. Of course, that didn't mean anything for it wasn't like that canceled out my relationship with Allium.
"You alright?" Amaranth asked when my panic had me stupidly not answering his offer.
"Yes, sorry. You just made me think of something else, and I totally zoned out." I replied with as much shallow cheer as I could muster.
However, it wasn't good enough. Amaranth didn't looked appeased. In fact, the lightly confused expression he wore shifted into a deeper one of concern.
"You're doing it again." he said without any hint of the enthusiasm that was in his tone before.
"What do you mean?"
"Pretending that you're fine when you're unhappy, and you've looked unhappy a lot recently."
My eyes locked onto his gleaming red ones. There was no doubt or uncertainty hidden in them, but I knew there was in mine. Still, what other choice did I have but to lie and pretend I didn't know what he was getting at?
"I wouldn't say that 'unhappy' is the right word to use. A better term would be 'stressed', I think. Mostly about all this college stuff," I said in the amused exasperated tone that I used often when the topic of college did come up, "Eden's kinda forced me to dump my application to Twilight University since he thinks it's too far below me, so now all I have to focus on is the one to Twilight North. Even though I've had all this time, I really don't know what program to go for. I don't want to bother with a general education course since that's almost guaranteed to extend the amount of time I'll have to stay when I do decide on a specific area of study."
I sighed with a little bit of drama.
"I don't know. Maybe I'll just go into the astronomy program with you. It would make it easier for the both of us since your homework would be my homework too. You could go on to be the actual astronomer and do all the hard stuff, and I could get work at a planetarium. Help run the shows or something. That could be fun."
The stars or Twilight North were my go-to topics whenever I wanted to change the course of the conversation with Amaranth. He normally latched onto them when talking like they were an addiction. My suspicion was that they wouldn't make Amaranth forget about his concern, but I hoped the prospect of me having all the same classes as him would be enough to distract him for a while. It was only after the words left my mouth that I realized spending so much time at college with Amaranth, if I did get to go to college in the first place, wouldn't be a good idea given my current predicament. There was that worry, and Amaranth didn't help me out either when he didn't take my bait.
"You joining me would actually be great," he started with his words as serious as before, "But you're not fooling me by trying to make me believe that's what's really bothering you."
"I'm fine." I implored.
"Let me correct my words and see if it changes anything," Amaranth proposed, "Unhappy was the wrong word to use. You do look down from time to time, but more often than that scared is what you seem instead. Each day it feels like you're getting more and more terrified."
I froze up at that. I wanted to deny it, but Amaranth also had that Purity-esque way of knowing what was going on in my head. Struggling with what to say, with what kind of lie to give, the silence stretched out between me and him.
"Why?" Amaranth prompted gently and simply when the air was getting rather awkward.
"Will you tell me what you and Charming talked about on that double-date we went on with you and Cocoa?" I requested, much to his confusion.
"Huh?"
"When we were at the beach and you two were talking on the lifeguard platform. I want to know what you were talking about."
Amaranth shifted hesitantly, for he was clearly torn about what to say. I had eavesdropped on their conversation long enough to know Allium had made Amaranth promise not to say anything, just like Amaranth had then gone on to make Allium promise not to say anything. Now, however, Amaranth didn't know whether to keep the promise he made or fulfill my sudden request on the chance it could help me. I watched my friend struggle for a moment before he cautiously glanced into my eyes again to realize what I had done- how I had snuck the answer to his question into the form of another question.
"You heard what he said. What we said." Amaranth deduced knowingly.
I nodded, which caused Amaranth to let out a long, unenthused sigh. His stare was more sympathetic.
"I'm sorry, Meadow," he apologized, "It had to have been tough finding that out after thinking everything was fine, and now you have to pretend that everything is fine when you know it's not."
"Has...he said anything more about the matter to you since then?" I wondered timidly.
Amaranth shifted again, which quickly gave away the answer. He relented when that truth became obvious.
"Al is growing more and more uncertain. It's not just what you told him. He's quite aware of how much time you spend with him in order to get him to just barely pass his classes. He believes that it's a waste of your time as well as that he's held you back from being much greater in the world than you are now."
"He really is an idiot," I pouted and folded my arms, "I've told him so many times that I'm not interested in being some famous genius girl prodigy. The very idea of it sends my skin crawling. All I want is to be a normal teenage girl and do normal teenage girl things- like dating the guy I like."
That sympathetic stare of Amaranth's intensified. I prayed the heat rising to my cheeks because of it wasn't noticeable, and I begged for it not to be when Amaranth unexpectedly yet softly took my hand. I fought with the instinct to wrap my fingers around his and hold on tight because I never wanted to let go. I ignored how I adored how small my hand felt in Amaranth's large one and how just that basic connection between us made me feel protected. I hated how he captured me with the warmth that came from his touch that rendered me next to useless to respond back when he spoke.
"But you're not a normal girl." Amaranth continued in his knowing tone, mildly shocking me with his confidence and conviction, "I know you're not. There's a depth to you that most people have no idea exists. Al's words are proof enough of that, but even if he had never said a word what I've seen with my own eyes only makes me more sure that there's so much about you that you've never spoken of."
My eyes wrenched themselves away from his due to a sudden upheaval of nerves, but Amaranth was unfazed. His fingers curled around my hand tighter.
"Meadow, I know you feel as if you have to keep it all hidden, but you can trust me with anything. Any secret. You'll be surprised at how much I can help you." he pleaded almost desperately.
"Charming was determined to know the truth too. Look how well that turned out." I mumbled dismally.
"Allium and I are not the same person. Just because he reacted one way doesn't mean my reaction will be identical. I can handle what he can't. I have my own secrets too, you know, and I'll gladly tell you mine if you tell me yours."
I yanked my hand free, but Amaranth instantly responded by placing his other hand on my shoulder. For the briefest of sweet seconds, his finger brushed against my skin not covered by my shirt. The sensation from that light tough was overwhelming, addicting, and it held me right in place. My best attempt at pretending it had done nothing failed. A small glance at Amaranth revealed that he knew exactly what was going on.
"Alright. You're still not convinced," he noted, "I'll tell you a secret first then. I'm not blind either."
His gaze was unwavering when I frowned at him.
"I'm well aware of you feel right now. How I'm making you feel- even as you're desperately trying to deny it."
"I'm dating Allium." I retorted, embarrassed by the lack of determination in my voice.
"Yes, you are," Amaranth acknowledged smoothly, "You are dating Allium. That response is the reason why you hide your feelings. It is not, however, any sort of denial for your feelings."
"It doesn't matter. Hiding feelings or denying them- I'm dating Allium. That fact trumps any sort of technicalities you throw at me."
My irritations levels were rising, primarily because Amaranth was affecting me. He was affecting me greatly. His hand on my shoulder increased my already racing heartbeat, had my cheeks burning brighter, and had the rest of me craving for more. I wanted him, he knew I wanted him, he wanted me, and he was being bold enough to finally address the dilemma. It was a dangerous situation.
"But what if that fact wasn't a fact anymore? If I tell you a truth that I swore I wouldn't tell, would it make a difference with what you can tell me?"
The heels I was wearing prevented me from turning and walking away like I wanted to. I didn't like what Amaranth was implying, and as such I wasn't interested in hearing it. My slowness had me relinquish my opportunity to escape, however. Amaranth's hand was in mine once more, and this time he held me back.
"I did promise him I wouldn't say anything, but a lot of the reason I wanted to invite you over today was because I did want to tell you. I felt as if I had to warn you. Allium truly can be an absolute idiot, and the way he is planning to go about this weekend didn't sit right with me at all," he began, his disapproving disappointment thick, "The state of your relationship is worse than you think. Allium is intending to break up with you the day after the play."
"You think lying is going to get you what you want?!" I half shouted at him, failing to get free for my hand was only held tighter.
"You know me better than that. I would never dare to hurt you so greatly for the sake of a trick that definitely wouldn't do me any favors," Amaranth's said as his voice got quieter and ached with heartbreak, "Like I said, I'm telling you the truth because Allium's head has gotten all messed up by the fear of what he feels he has to do. He's not going to try and talk to you about what he said on the double-date. He's not going to ease you into the situation. Allium's planning on dropping the bomb without warning because he can hide in Bayport for a day or two with his grandparents while you'll have no choice but to return to Berrybrook for your treatment. Al admitted he's tried to think of nicer ways to let you go in the past months, but his own devastated feelings at breaking up have him convinced that this is the lone way he can handle it."
"Even if..." I whispered so quietly I wondered if I was speaking at all, "Even if that's true, it still doesn't change anything for us now."
My body had become useless. Moving was next to impossible. Every inch of me dragged me down like my skin was suddenly made of rocks. The shock of what Amaranth just told me was so intense that I couldn't even cry. All I could do was feel weak and, honestly, rather ugly. I wanted to believe Amaranth was lying, but I couldn't. The guaranteed promise that Allium couldn't take being with me anymore made me wonder just how undesirable a girl like me with all her secrets really was. I know me thinking that was a lot of the reason why I let Amaranth pull me back towards him. I let him guide me closer to him, and I made no physical protests when he reached up to place a hand on my cheek even if I kept on defying him with my words.
"You're free to admit how you feel, "Amaranth pointed out, "I don't want you and Al to be hurt, but he's reached his limit. He's already detaching you from him in his heart. There's no reason to cling to him. It will only cut you deeper and more painfully in the end."
"You're acting as if I want to admit how I feel," I shook my head bitterly, "As if you'll ever be so important to me that I would dare to choose you instead. And, it doesn't matter if Al is going to break up with me. We're still together in this moment no matter how much you'd like to pretend that we're not."
Amaranth didn't take his gaze away even when my words were the knife that was cutting him now. I watched as they stung and wounded him, and I watched with a slight hint of awe as he accepted them and moved on just as quickly.
"You can say you don't want me. You can say I'll never be the person you crave. You can try and hurt me all you want. I won't listen. I'll ignore it. I won't give up," Amaranth promised with heartfelt determination, "Not until your eyes stop telling me the real truth."
I lowered my lashes, but there was nowhere for me to look but at Amaranth. He had me right where he wanted me, and I had to admit that I was right where I wanted to be too. As frustrating as it was, Amaranth was doing an incredibly good job at breaking down my barriers. His left arm slid behind my waist and drew me near. His right arm lightly clutched my own left arm. His head inched closer and closer to mine. His breath tickled my skin, and his lips were so tauntingly within reach that it was cruel. I had to repeat a mantra over and and over again within my head to not lose control. I was dating Allium. I loved Allium. I was off-limits. I was dating Allium. I loved Allium. I was off-limits. I engrained those words as firmly within my mind as I could. There was no ignoring them for I knew that if I did there was a strong chance I would launch myself at Amaranth and attach myself to him as tight as possibly, because that was what my heart and painfully aching body incessantly urged. He was the person I craved.
"What do you think you've done for me that makes you think you deserve me simply because you want me?" I asked slowly.
Nevertheless, I continued to resist with my words.
"I've watched over you all this time. From the very moment we met through all the times when you had no idea I was looking," Amaranth answered with surety, "I've never ignored you when you needed help. Though Blaze commanded that I stay put, I left the hospital a certain someone escaped from and ran until I risked frostbite and hypothermia myself in order to find you. My feet were bleeding when I got back. I called out the teacher who was embarrassing you. I risked suspension from school without a second thought to stop you from being bullied, and I eagerly went to detention with a smile when that was my punishment instead. When a disgusting rumor about you consumed the school, I was the one who begged the rest of the student council to release the homecoming information early so that everyone had something else to talk about. Just to name a few things."
I stared at Amaranth with widened eyes. He bewildered me with his reveal of some small secrets, and also with the fact that his own stare, which was so serious, could also be so loving. With every hushed breath I took, his expression of total and utter infatuation strengthened and flourished. Amaranth drew me in with it so intently that it took my back softly pressing up against the brick wall to alert me that the space between us was steadily decreasing. Amaranth had me pinned, and it was then when I realized that this was too much. That it had to stop.
"Always. I've always done everything I could for you," Amaranth tenderly, "Blaze told me what you had been through and how much support you would need. I've never taken on a task so readily like the one he gave me, and I've loved every moment of it. Even when we've been furious with each other, even when I've had to watch you be with someone else, even when you tell me things that break my heart- I've loved it all. Because it was done with you."
"Amaranth, don't." I forced out in a whisper, barely having strength enough to place my hand on his shoulder let alone push him back.
I was dating Allium. I loved Allium. I was off-limits. And I was one small loss of will away from being wholly captured by another boy.
"To tell the truth, I'm terrified too. It doesn't seem right that I should feel so strongly for one person. That it should be so impossible for me to get you out of my head like it is. That I only feel like I'm living when I'm with you. Blaze tells me I'm just a hopeless, lovestruck idiot just like how my dad was with my mom," Amaranth laughed a weak laugh, "But, even then I don't know. You make me feel both powerful and powerless at the same time. I can't tell which way is up anymore."
"Let me go."
My breathy request was barely audible. It was a vile task to fight back when I didn't want to fight back. My head was buzzing and swarming with desire. Amaranth being so close yet not giving me what I yearned for was what was building my desire to cry and rage and storm about until I finally received the relief I demanded. I nearly made myself cry when I realized Amaranth was leaning in to give me that relief, and I had no choice but to be the one to deny it.
"No," I refused as firmly as I could, struggling with my swept away breath to match the conviction I wished I truly did have, "You said you could never do anything behind Al's-"
It was pointless, as was trying to turn my head away. My sentence was cut off in an unfortunately delightful manner. Amaranth had me contained with the help of the wall, his well-toned arms, and his broad shoulders. I truly couldn't recall feeling so warm or entirely safe. Then those soft, cool lips of his touched mine, and I wondered if I had ever actually been happy before that moment. Amaranth's kiss stole the last of my breath, but I was quite certain I was breathing freely and deeply for the first time in my life. Gentle and slow at the beginning, the more his lips entangled with mine the more I understood that there was no comparison. Amaranth was still only testing the waters. However, what he was doing to me dominated everything Allium had done to me even with the most passionate kissing and touching. It was if I had never felt anything for him. As if I didn't even know who Allium Damson Charm was.
But I did. I knew Allium incredibly well. I had loved him for the longest time, and I still loved him. Even if he had decided that we were done, I had no desire to hurt him like what Amaranth and I were doing would. I loathed the thought of him being in pain. My stomach churned with disgust, and rage swept back through me the energy I had lost. Amaranth and I had been kissing for a mere few seconds, but a few seconds was more than we should have ever stole.
I was dating Allium. I loved Allium. I was off-limits.
I tore my lips away and pulled back. As if I had broken a spell, Amaranth's arms instantly dropped and he retreated. It didn't do him any good. My hand slammed across his cheek before I realized I had raised my arm.
"I SAID NO, DIDN'T I?!" I screamed at him, causing Amaranth to cower and retreat further.
"You did," he conceded rapidly, "Meadow, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"
I wasn't listening. All I could think of was what he had told me after we left the maze- that I was going to have to try a lot harder if I wanted to hurt him. So I did. My hand reconnected with Amaranth's cheek so powerfully that I had to bite back a cry of pain like the one Amaranth let out. My hand felt like a brick and Amaranth a wall, and he reeled, stumbled, and almost fell from the force of the impact. His expression contorting in agony, him clutching his hand to his cheek, him taking another step back in fear, and me seriously wondering if I had broken my wrist quelled my rage somewhat.
Feeling as alone and betrayed as I had just felt loved and protected, I withdrew into myself and turned away. My lurking tears made a strong effort to burst out, and I understood they were going to win before long.
"How were you expecting this to help me?! You've just made everything horribly worse!" I exclaimed coldly.
"Meadow, I mean it. I'm sorry. I totally lost myself. I know that's no excuse. I won't try and refuse any fault, but I didn't have any intention of-"
"No! Just...shut up. Just shut the hell up!" I raged once more, "I don't know what I'll do if you keep talking! You think you springing on me that Allium wants to break up is any better than him doing it?! You act as if you understand me when you know nothing! You keep going when I tell you to back off! Not only have you hurt me telling me what you have, but you've confused me that much more! Didn't I have enough to struggle with already?! Now I have to be more terrified because I apparently can't trust you now! What kind of person betrays his best friend by hurting his other friend?!"
"Meadow..."
"This is way worse than what Sap did! You wanted to be something more, but now I'm wondering if I hate you instead!"
My voice shook, quivered, and cracked as I yelled. The tears had come, and there was no holding them back. Amaranth called out to me desperately again when I rubbed at my eyes in a pathetic attempt to keep myself under control. I really don't know why I bothered. Amaranth stupidly began to reach his arm out towards me. I bolted. The corridor was nothing more than a blob of colors thanks to my eyes swelling with tears, but I ran without restraint. Amaranth, dead silent, made no attempts to follow me. Even then I couldn't get away fast enough. It felt like eternity before I rounded the corner and fled to the parking lot...
My eyes must have glazed over some as I stared dully at the grass.
I was so out of it that I never noticed another person approaching me. I jumped slightly and inhaled sharply when Purity seemed to pop out of thin air right next to me, but as soon as the shock wore off my expression fell once more. I desperately tried to collect myself, but I couldn't get my feelings hidden away. Knowing Purity had seen the worst of it, I gave up and glanced her way sheepishly.
"Should I even waste my energy asking if something's wrong?" she mused.
I grinned wryly and shook my head.
"Interested in telling me what's causing you of all people to look so mopey? You normally look like you're high on life. Seeing you so down makes you not even look like you." Purity revealed.
I really had to give her a good look for a moment. Honestly, I was ecstatic for a moment. Be it that trip to Wonder Light or something else, but Purity truly had changed. We definitely weren't best friends or anything. I guess it was only Sap more than the rest of us who could kind of call her a friend. Yet, looking at her then in that moment, I felt like I was looking at someone I had talked to each and every day for my entire life. I couldn't deny that there was that connection between us that had me sure I could tell her whatever I wanted and she wouldn't tell a soul.
Taking a deep breath, I thought over my words carefully. I wanted to tell her the truth, but I wasn't sure which truth to tell. I figured it would be safe to start with the least dangerous one.
"You've...never dated anyone, right?" I quietly asked to confirm.
"Right." Purity replied much more openly than expected.
"I've heard you've been asked out lots of times though."
"That's true, but I've never accepted once."
"Why?"
"Because I know all those boys were only interested because I'm white. There was a time when I wouldn't have cared about that being the reason, but I find myself getting more and more tired of shallow and vapid love. It doesn't seem to last, and it leaves me with too many questions," Purity confessed, "There was one guy I was interested in who I knew couldn't have cared less about the color of my skin, but he was unavailable to me from the start. Now I've pretty much moved on."
"I hear you have a strong supporter for you and Sap in the form of Mr. Spring." I pointed out with a little smile.
"Eh, yes, that. Mr. Spring is a well intended man, I'm sure, but at the moment I'm actually not that interested in pursuing a relationship."
"Good luck getting that through his head," I chuckled, "It was only until Sap started instructing you about opening a business that he gave Sap and me a rest."
"Good to know," Purity nodded before giving me a different kind of look, "But I don't think him bugging you is what you want to get off your chest."
I had to nod.
"Since you asked about me dating, I'm assuming you're having relationship problems with Allium. To be honest, I'm surprised it's taken this long for things to ere on the troublesome side. Your group of friends seems to be addicted to pairing up with each other, and normally that would lead to way more problems than what you've seen so far."
That was a truth I had to admit, although I wondered how Purity's mind would change if she knew about Frost and Sunflower's little scare. So far, I remained the only other person who had that knowledge. Frost and Sunflower had finally started dating officially at the end of summer, much to almost everyone's surprise and Sunset's continued disappointment that she wasn't dating anyone, and were thankfully doing well. Sunflower hinted that there had been a long dry spell in her and Frost's "activities" after the scare, but despite choosing to continue with such things there were taking precautions almost to where some became wholly unnecessary.
I often secretly watched Frost and Sunflower being together. I longed for the earlier days of my relationship where everything was right. I admitted to Purity what was wrong now after taking a moment to collect myself.
"I never thought Amaranth and Cocoa would continue to be together at this point. True, they're really only still dating because neither of them have called the relationship off yet, but they are still in that relationship. Meanwhile, Allium and I get along great. I love hanging out with him, and I simply love him. I know he loves me too. However, everyday I wake up wondering if we might break up before Am and Cocoa."
"If you two love each other and get along, why would you break up?" Purity naturally wondered.
"He's scared, and I guess I'm scared too."
Purity said nothing. She merely gave me one of those looks that had my tongue untangling with ease.
"I told him a little about why I disappeared. About what I'm hiding now. The truth isn't pleasant, and until everything is solved I don't want to get anyone mixed up in my mess. Allium's being torn between wanting to be with me and escaping from the unfortunate position I've placed him in. He hasn't told me that directly. I overheard him, and now I'm scared both because I don't know if I should hold on or put him out of his misery on top of worrying if my mess will be fixed by the time graduation comes around."
"What will happen if it's not?" Purity asked.
"I'll have to leave," I revealed, "Probably very suddenly. I don't know if I'll ever be able to come back, much less contact anyone here again."
"Are you sure you don't want my life to be yours?" Purity teased, "My life...isn't perfect, but it seems a lot less complicated than whatever you've got going on."
"You know what, I would give anything to have a life like yours. Yours isn't normal compared to most people, but it's a lot more normal compared to mine." I laughed with quiet longing.
Purity scoffed out a little laugh of her own.
"The more you say things like that, the more you make me want to know the truth."
"In the end, I think you'll find you would rather not know the truth more than you want your curiosity to be satisfied." I pointed out.
"Perhaps. However, I think you'll find I have a way of getting what I want," Purity teased again, "But I suppose I can leave that matter for another time. You can merely tell me what else is bothering you instead."
"What do you mean?" I asked nervously.
That caused Purity to raise a brow.
"I can read you like a book. I don't know why, but I can tell when you're lying to me and when you're hiding things from me. Right now, you're hiding something."
I slumped against the wall and shook my head in uncertainty, which only made Purity stare at me with more conviction.
"Maybe you're even hiding it from yourself," she proposed, "Something that you know you know or that you feel, but either social pressure or fear of the repercussions are forcing you to deny it."
"That's not..." I trailed off miserably.
There was no point in finishing the sentence. Purity was right on all accounts, and we both understood that. My momentary silence was only deepened when merely thinking about what Purity was digging at sent my heart racing that familiar race. It had grown impossible to think that thought without loving how it made me feel while also hating myself for being swept away.
"When...Sap and I were testing the waters," I began timidly, "Allium invited me to homecoming. He told me it had been a long while since he had considered me just a friend. Of course, it wasn't until Sap revealed his own platonic feelings that Allium and I got together, but in the weeks before that I spent a lot of time being pulled in both directions. I liked Sap, but...I liked Allium too. He would cause my heart to beat swiftly. I loved hearing each and every laugh of his. I had a hard time keeping my eyes off of him. And now, I fear I'm in the same sort of predicament I was in then. Only this time, it seems like it's worse. Much worse."
My head whipped in Purity's direction when she let out a loud laugh.
"So that's what the issue is," she giggled, "Your relationship with Allium is on the ropes, and now you're falling in love with Amaranth."
I shot off the wall, my eyes wide.
"W-what?! Who said anything about Amaranth?!"
"Oh please," Purity chuckled harder, "It's insanely obvious, even without that kind of reaction."
"It's-"
"Look me right in the eye and deny it then." Purity interrupted and demanded with the kind of confidence I hated that she had.
Needless to say, I couldn't fulfill her request. I could only stand there with my mouth open and no words passing my lips as I wrestled with the truth.
"As surprised as I am that it's taken this long for your little group to start having problems, I was always much more astonished that Amaranth ever bothered with dating Cocoa in the first place. He would have to be the biggest idiot in the world if he thought what he felt for her was real when he's been head over heels in love with you for forever." Purity said.
"No he hasn't." I whispered.
"Just because you've been blind to it doesn't mean we all have. I knew from the moment he slammed me down onto the floor in Mrs. Chamois' classroom that his heart belonged to you. Why he didn't act on those feelings sooner is a great mystery."
"Even if...he has been, what does it matter now? Sure, Am and Cocoa are practically broken up, but Al and I-"
"Aren't doing great either, according to what you've just told me," Purity interrupted yet again, "You told me you only overheard what Allium actually feels as well. I'm guessing you haven't talked to him about it?"
I nodded.
"You're bound to be doomed if you don't. No matter how happy things appear on the surface, all of that can easily be broken apart when doubts, worries, and regrets are swept under the rug. A tiny crack in the path becomes a hole that can threaten to swallow everything." Purity spoke almost sadly, making me contemplate if watching a certain couple close to her with their own problems gave her the experience to speak with conviction.
"But even if I spoke to Al about what I heard, how on earth does that help with...what I feel for Amaranth?" I questioned pitifully, my voice growing quieter than before.
Purity placed her hand on my shoulder for a second to get my falling head to look up again.
"Despite what people say, you're not at fault having feelings for two people. You didn't choose to feel how you feel. It just happens. If you can love hundreds of other people platonically, why is it such a ridiculous idea that there might be more than one person on the planet who can capture you romantically? However, it's something you're going to have to address with Allium after you figure out what's going on with you two. It might be the reason why Allium is able to continue the charade he's got going on is because he doesn't know that you know what you know. If he finds out you're putting on a charade too, however, it could sway his feelings towards your relationship ending. It could go the other way as well, but, like I said, not being honest with each other is the guaranteed way for your relationship to end," she explained before taking a deep breath, "And what you feel for Amaranth can't be a secret either. If you and Allium break up, give it time before you make another move. If Amaranth and Cocoa break up and you and him get together afterwards, it's going to be awkward for you all no matter what. However, you and Allium will be broken up. You'll be free to make whatever choice you want to make, and some momentary discomfort with your friends is no excuse from stopping yourself from loving the person you want to love. On the other chance that you and Allium decide you want to try and remain together, you should tell him this secret of yours right away. It wouldn't be fair to sway him into a commitment if your heart is being lured somewhere else. I think Sap helped you learn a good lesson about that. Then there's also the fact that Allium should hear the truth for you. I suppose I should ask, do you think Amaranth will be returning your feelings anytime soon?"
"He became well aware of his feelings long before I became aware of mine. Cocoa knows who he really wants to be with too." I admitted in a mumble.
"Then it's only a matter of time before word gets around or Allium figures it out himself. He's going to be just as unhappy, probably even more unhappy, finding it out that way rather than getting the privilege of you respecting him enough to reveal such a difficult truth yourself. Most people don't have the guts."
"But it's going to break his heart. And mine." I said miserably.
"Do you think there's a way out of this situation without achieving that same result?" Purity wondered with genuine interest.
"No."
"If the situation is going to have a bad end no matter what, it might as well be done in a way that makes you free of being called a liar. Hearts might get broken, but choosing your actions wisely might bring you all back together as friends once the pain fades away."
The ground held my stare again for the longest time. I detested many of Purity's words, but I didn't have the option of denying their wisdom. Then, strangely enough, I began to feel slightly better. Purity had just given me a plan of action whereas minutes earlier I hadn't had the slightest clue as to what to do. Doing something felt better than doing nothing, and if things went terribly, terribly wrong I could always complain to Purity about how off she had been. Thinking it over and deciding I would have the first part of the conversation the day after mine and Allium's trip to Bayport, I faced Purity again with my stance straighter.
"I wish there was a way to break free of this mess without anyone getting hurt, but it's just not possible. With no other choice, I'll take your advice. As thanks, I'll give you something in return."
"Oh?" Purity replied, highly intrigued.
"My deadline is a little after graduation, like I mentioned. On the strong chance that my mess isn't fixed before then, before I leave...I'll tell you the truth. All of it."
"That's a pretty generous gift."
"Someone has to know," I said with soft determination, "I can't stand to leave without at least one person knowing why, and I'll admit that I'm not offering the truth selflessly. Too many times over the years, especially since those two weeks, I've struggled with whether or not I should share my secret. The lone decision I've come to is to tell you, so that you can have the burden of spreading it or keeping it as your own instead."
To my surprise, Purity merely smiled again.
"I have to wonder, why are you trusting me with this 'burden' of yours? It would make more sense to tell Sunset or Sunflower, or at least Allium since he already knows some of it."
"I said it at my sleepover, and I'll say it again now. We're a lot more alike than you know. Not so much in our personalities or characteristics, but in a way that will make sense once you know everything. You'll understand because we can see the world in a way very few others can."
Purity's smile grew wider.
"My dad was right on the mark. I wish I could have been friends with you too. You fascinate me. Absolutely fascinate me. I bet I could have cracked your secret long ago if I hadn't been clinging onto a delusion." she remarked.
"We could always...now..." I mumbled sheepishly.
"I fear it's a little too late- at least while you're all but guaranteeing you're a disappearance waiting to happen. I don't like farewells. However, I'm satisfied knowing I'll be the one to get to say a proper goodbye."
I shifted with nerves, but they were the good kind of nerves. Unfortunately, Purity still seemed to have a knack for putting me in problematic predicaments. Her intentions were good, but neither of us knew how things would change drastically for me not even ten minutes later.
"Amaranth is actually looking for you." Purity suddenly revealed.
"Eh?"
"There was another student council meeting today. Just a quick one. I saw him after they got out, and he asked if I knew if you were still around. He wants to talk to you. It hasn't been that long. I'm sure he's still nearby. Let me go tell him you're here."
"I don't know..."
"You haven't talked honestly with Allium in a while. When's the last time you had a honest talk with Amaranth?" Purity questioned knowingly, a bit of her trademark smug grin peeking through when I couldn't answer, "You should take this chance. Don't reveal everything. It's too soon for that. Yet, this is a great opportunity for you to look at him and figure out how you actually feel. Do you truly like him, or is the meadow just greener on the other side?"
My words were lost to me once more. With a wink, Purity was off down the corridor and out of sight around the corner.
I felt like I was about to stand trial, being frozen like a statue like I was. It was one of those moments where passing out seemed appropriate, but monitoring my breathing to keep that from happening was the way I kept myself somewhat under control. I cursed mentally when Amaranth casually strolled around the corner. My thoughts went off again to the places I didn't want them to go. The one that rang the loudest was my sudden hatred of his shirt. That stupid, stupid shirt of his that I had bought for his birthday because I believed it would look good on him. And it definitely did. It took that moment to show me how much of a thing I had for plaid button-ups. Amaranth giving me his big old grin while making his way over didn't help to quell the furious pounding in my chest either.
I put up a good act for several seconds or so. It took all my strength to not back away when Amaranth got close, because the closer he got the deeper the ache consuming my body got. I was thirsty and hungry without being thirsty or hungry, and the desire to reach out and grab what was right in front of me made me feel as if I had been emotionless up until now.
"It's good to see that you're still here." Amaranth said.
I hit myself mentally this time when just the sound of his voice honestly had me melting. It was different. Deeper. More of a man's, less of a boy's. Amaranth was shooting up in height and broadening out like Allium and Frost had done last year.
"Did you need something?" I asked, stunned that I managed to get out a normal, coherent sentence.
"Eh, nothing special. That preliminary program over the summer showed me that I definitely need to study my physics a bit harder. I barely made it through that AP class last year. I was just wondering if you wanted to come over to give me some homework help." Amaranth requested.
"Sure. I don't mind. I got most of my homework done in study hall today."
"Great," Amaranth replied eagerly, "And if you can help me get my work done without it taking me all night like normal, how about we go see what's playing at the cinema? My treat."
Already I was thinking I had gotten myself in over my head. It had been months since I had spent any alone time with Amaranth. In fact, the last time we had been truly alone together was at the end of last school year when I had been helping him with his schoolwork then too. I had made excuses or invited someone else along as well when he asked after that because that was when what he made me feel became entirely unavoidable. Now I had just walked right on in to what would turn out to be a whole afternoon with him, and with my current mindset the word that was coming up again and again was that troublesome "date" word. It wasn't like Amaranth had to worry about being interested in someone else anymore. He and Cocoa really were done. I think they hadn't even said one word to each other in days. Neither of them had had the guts to go ahead and make the final call yet though. Of course, that didn't mean anything for it wasn't like that canceled out my relationship with Allium.
"You alright?" Amaranth asked when my panic had me stupidly not answering his offer.
"Yes, sorry. You just made me think of something else, and I totally zoned out." I replied with as much shallow cheer as I could muster.
However, it wasn't good enough. Amaranth didn't looked appeased. In fact, the lightly confused expression he wore shifted into a deeper one of concern.
"You're doing it again." he said without any hint of the enthusiasm that was in his tone before.
"What do you mean?"
"Pretending that you're fine when you're unhappy, and you've looked unhappy a lot recently."
My eyes locked onto his gleaming red ones. There was no doubt or uncertainty hidden in them, but I knew there was in mine. Still, what other choice did I have but to lie and pretend I didn't know what he was getting at?
"I wouldn't say that 'unhappy' is the right word to use. A better term would be 'stressed', I think. Mostly about all this college stuff," I said in the amused exasperated tone that I used often when the topic of college did come up, "Eden's kinda forced me to dump my application to Twilight University since he thinks it's too far below me, so now all I have to focus on is the one to Twilight North. Even though I've had all this time, I really don't know what program to go for. I don't want to bother with a general education course since that's almost guaranteed to extend the amount of time I'll have to stay when I do decide on a specific area of study."
I sighed with a little bit of drama.
"I don't know. Maybe I'll just go into the astronomy program with you. It would make it easier for the both of us since your homework would be my homework too. You could go on to be the actual astronomer and do all the hard stuff, and I could get work at a planetarium. Help run the shows or something. That could be fun."
The stars or Twilight North were my go-to topics whenever I wanted to change the course of the conversation with Amaranth. He normally latched onto them when talking like they were an addiction. My suspicion was that they wouldn't make Amaranth forget about his concern, but I hoped the prospect of me having all the same classes as him would be enough to distract him for a while. It was only after the words left my mouth that I realized spending so much time at college with Amaranth, if I did get to go to college in the first place, wouldn't be a good idea given my current predicament. There was that worry, and Amaranth didn't help me out either when he didn't take my bait.
"You joining me would actually be great," he started with his words as serious as before, "But you're not fooling me by trying to make me believe that's what's really bothering you."
"I'm fine." I implored.
"Let me correct my words and see if it changes anything," Amaranth proposed, "Unhappy was the wrong word to use. You do look down from time to time, but more often than that scared is what you seem instead. Each day it feels like you're getting more and more terrified."
I froze up at that. I wanted to deny it, but Amaranth also had that Purity-esque way of knowing what was going on in my head. Struggling with what to say, with what kind of lie to give, the silence stretched out between me and him.
"Why?" Amaranth prompted gently and simply when the air was getting rather awkward.
"Will you tell me what you and Charming talked about on that double-date we went on with you and Cocoa?" I requested, much to his confusion.
"Huh?"
"When we were at the beach and you two were talking on the lifeguard platform. I want to know what you were talking about."
Amaranth shifted hesitantly, for he was clearly torn about what to say. I had eavesdropped on their conversation long enough to know Allium had made Amaranth promise not to say anything, just like Amaranth had then gone on to make Allium promise not to say anything. Now, however, Amaranth didn't know whether to keep the promise he made or fulfill my sudden request on the chance it could help me. I watched my friend struggle for a moment before he cautiously glanced into my eyes again to realize what I had done- how I had snuck the answer to his question into the form of another question.
"You heard what he said. What we said." Amaranth deduced knowingly.
I nodded, which caused Amaranth to let out a long, unenthused sigh. His stare was more sympathetic.
"I'm sorry, Meadow," he apologized, "It had to have been tough finding that out after thinking everything was fine, and now you have to pretend that everything is fine when you know it's not."
"Has...he said anything more about the matter to you since then?" I wondered timidly.
Amaranth shifted again, which quickly gave away the answer. He relented when that truth became obvious.
"Al is growing more and more uncertain. It's not just what you told him. He's quite aware of how much time you spend with him in order to get him to just barely pass his classes. He believes that it's a waste of your time as well as that he's held you back from being much greater in the world than you are now."
"He really is an idiot," I pouted and folded my arms, "I've told him so many times that I'm not interested in being some famous genius girl prodigy. The very idea of it sends my skin crawling. All I want is to be a normal teenage girl and do normal teenage girl things- like dating the guy I like."
That sympathetic stare of Amaranth's intensified. I prayed the heat rising to my cheeks because of it wasn't noticeable, and I begged for it not to be when Amaranth unexpectedly yet softly took my hand. I fought with the instinct to wrap my fingers around his and hold on tight because I never wanted to let go. I ignored how I adored how small my hand felt in Amaranth's large one and how just that basic connection between us made me feel protected. I hated how he captured me with the warmth that came from his touch that rendered me next to useless to respond back when he spoke.
"But you're not a normal girl." Amaranth continued in his knowing tone, mildly shocking me with his confidence and conviction, "I know you're not. There's a depth to you that most people have no idea exists. Al's words are proof enough of that, but even if he had never said a word what I've seen with my own eyes only makes me more sure that there's so much about you that you've never spoken of."
My eyes wrenched themselves away from his due to a sudden upheaval of nerves, but Amaranth was unfazed. His fingers curled around my hand tighter.
"Meadow, I know you feel as if you have to keep it all hidden, but you can trust me with anything. Any secret. You'll be surprised at how much I can help you." he pleaded almost desperately.
"Charming was determined to know the truth too. Look how well that turned out." I mumbled dismally.
"Allium and I are not the same person. Just because he reacted one way doesn't mean my reaction will be identical. I can handle what he can't. I have my own secrets too, you know, and I'll gladly tell you mine if you tell me yours."
I yanked my hand free, but Amaranth instantly responded by placing his other hand on my shoulder. For the briefest of sweet seconds, his finger brushed against my skin not covered by my shirt. The sensation from that light tough was overwhelming, addicting, and it held me right in place. My best attempt at pretending it had done nothing failed. A small glance at Amaranth revealed that he knew exactly what was going on.
"Alright. You're still not convinced," he noted, "I'll tell you a secret first then. I'm not blind either."
His gaze was unwavering when I frowned at him.
"I'm well aware of you feel right now. How I'm making you feel- even as you're desperately trying to deny it."
"I'm dating Allium." I retorted, embarrassed by the lack of determination in my voice.
"Yes, you are," Amaranth acknowledged smoothly, "You are dating Allium. That response is the reason why you hide your feelings. It is not, however, any sort of denial for your feelings."
"It doesn't matter. Hiding feelings or denying them- I'm dating Allium. That fact trumps any sort of technicalities you throw at me."
My irritations levels were rising, primarily because Amaranth was affecting me. He was affecting me greatly. His hand on my shoulder increased my already racing heartbeat, had my cheeks burning brighter, and had the rest of me craving for more. I wanted him, he knew I wanted him, he wanted me, and he was being bold enough to finally address the dilemma. It was a dangerous situation.
"But what if that fact wasn't a fact anymore? If I tell you a truth that I swore I wouldn't tell, would it make a difference with what you can tell me?"
The heels I was wearing prevented me from turning and walking away like I wanted to. I didn't like what Amaranth was implying, and as such I wasn't interested in hearing it. My slowness had me relinquish my opportunity to escape, however. Amaranth's hand was in mine once more, and this time he held me back.
"I did promise him I wouldn't say anything, but a lot of the reason I wanted to invite you over today was because I did want to tell you. I felt as if I had to warn you. Allium truly can be an absolute idiot, and the way he is planning to go about this weekend didn't sit right with me at all," he began, his disapproving disappointment thick, "The state of your relationship is worse than you think. Allium is intending to break up with you the day after the play."
"You think lying is going to get you what you want?!" I half shouted at him, failing to get free for my hand was only held tighter.
"You know me better than that. I would never dare to hurt you so greatly for the sake of a trick that definitely wouldn't do me any favors," Amaranth's said as his voice got quieter and ached with heartbreak, "Like I said, I'm telling you the truth because Allium's head has gotten all messed up by the fear of what he feels he has to do. He's not going to try and talk to you about what he said on the double-date. He's not going to ease you into the situation. Allium's planning on dropping the bomb without warning because he can hide in Bayport for a day or two with his grandparents while you'll have no choice but to return to Berrybrook for your treatment. Al admitted he's tried to think of nicer ways to let you go in the past months, but his own devastated feelings at breaking up have him convinced that this is the lone way he can handle it."
"Even if..." I whispered so quietly I wondered if I was speaking at all, "Even if that's true, it still doesn't change anything for us now."
My body had become useless. Moving was next to impossible. Every inch of me dragged me down like my skin was suddenly made of rocks. The shock of what Amaranth just told me was so intense that I couldn't even cry. All I could do was feel weak and, honestly, rather ugly. I wanted to believe Amaranth was lying, but I couldn't. The guaranteed promise that Allium couldn't take being with me anymore made me wonder just how undesirable a girl like me with all her secrets really was. I know me thinking that was a lot of the reason why I let Amaranth pull me back towards him. I let him guide me closer to him, and I made no physical protests when he reached up to place a hand on my cheek even if I kept on defying him with my words.
"You're free to admit how you feel, "Amaranth pointed out, "I don't want you and Al to be hurt, but he's reached his limit. He's already detaching you from him in his heart. There's no reason to cling to him. It will only cut you deeper and more painfully in the end."
"You're acting as if I want to admit how I feel," I shook my head bitterly, "As if you'll ever be so important to me that I would dare to choose you instead. And, it doesn't matter if Al is going to break up with me. We're still together in this moment no matter how much you'd like to pretend that we're not."
Amaranth didn't take his gaze away even when my words were the knife that was cutting him now. I watched as they stung and wounded him, and I watched with a slight hint of awe as he accepted them and moved on just as quickly.
"You can say you don't want me. You can say I'll never be the person you crave. You can try and hurt me all you want. I won't listen. I'll ignore it. I won't give up," Amaranth promised with heartfelt determination, "Not until your eyes stop telling me the real truth."
I lowered my lashes, but there was nowhere for me to look but at Amaranth. He had me right where he wanted me, and I had to admit that I was right where I wanted to be too. As frustrating as it was, Amaranth was doing an incredibly good job at breaking down my barriers. His left arm slid behind my waist and drew me near. His right arm lightly clutched my own left arm. His head inched closer and closer to mine. His breath tickled my skin, and his lips were so tauntingly within reach that it was cruel. I had to repeat a mantra over and and over again within my head to not lose control. I was dating Allium. I loved Allium. I was off-limits. I was dating Allium. I loved Allium. I was off-limits. I engrained those words as firmly within my mind as I could. There was no ignoring them for I knew that if I did there was a strong chance I would launch myself at Amaranth and attach myself to him as tight as possibly, because that was what my heart and painfully aching body incessantly urged. He was the person I craved.
"What do you think you've done for me that makes you think you deserve me simply because you want me?" I asked slowly.
Nevertheless, I continued to resist with my words.
"I've watched over you all this time. From the very moment we met through all the times when you had no idea I was looking," Amaranth answered with surety, "I've never ignored you when you needed help. Though Blaze commanded that I stay put, I left the hospital a certain someone escaped from and ran until I risked frostbite and hypothermia myself in order to find you. My feet were bleeding when I got back. I called out the teacher who was embarrassing you. I risked suspension from school without a second thought to stop you from being bullied, and I eagerly went to detention with a smile when that was my punishment instead. When a disgusting rumor about you consumed the school, I was the one who begged the rest of the student council to release the homecoming information early so that everyone had something else to talk about. Just to name a few things."
I stared at Amaranth with widened eyes. He bewildered me with his reveal of some small secrets, and also with the fact that his own stare, which was so serious, could also be so loving. With every hushed breath I took, his expression of total and utter infatuation strengthened and flourished. Amaranth drew me in with it so intently that it took my back softly pressing up against the brick wall to alert me that the space between us was steadily decreasing. Amaranth had me pinned, and it was then when I realized that this was too much. That it had to stop.
"Always. I've always done everything I could for you," Amaranth tenderly, "Blaze told me what you had been through and how much support you would need. I've never taken on a task so readily like the one he gave me, and I've loved every moment of it. Even when we've been furious with each other, even when I've had to watch you be with someone else, even when you tell me things that break my heart- I've loved it all. Because it was done with you."
"Amaranth, don't." I forced out in a whisper, barely having strength enough to place my hand on his shoulder let alone push him back.
I was dating Allium. I loved Allium. I was off-limits. And I was one small loss of will away from being wholly captured by another boy.
"To tell the truth, I'm terrified too. It doesn't seem right that I should feel so strongly for one person. That it should be so impossible for me to get you out of my head like it is. That I only feel like I'm living when I'm with you. Blaze tells me I'm just a hopeless, lovestruck idiot just like how my dad was with my mom," Amaranth laughed a weak laugh, "But, even then I don't know. You make me feel both powerful and powerless at the same time. I can't tell which way is up anymore."
"Let me go."
My breathy request was barely audible. It was a vile task to fight back when I didn't want to fight back. My head was buzzing and swarming with desire. Amaranth being so close yet not giving me what I yearned for was what was building my desire to cry and rage and storm about until I finally received the relief I demanded. I nearly made myself cry when I realized Amaranth was leaning in to give me that relief, and I had no choice but to be the one to deny it.
"No," I refused as firmly as I could, struggling with my swept away breath to match the conviction I wished I truly did have, "You said you could never do anything behind Al's-"
It was pointless, as was trying to turn my head away. My sentence was cut off in an unfortunately delightful manner. Amaranth had me contained with the help of the wall, his well-toned arms, and his broad shoulders. I truly couldn't recall feeling so warm or entirely safe. Then those soft, cool lips of his touched mine, and I wondered if I had ever actually been happy before that moment. Amaranth's kiss stole the last of my breath, but I was quite certain I was breathing freely and deeply for the first time in my life. Gentle and slow at the beginning, the more his lips entangled with mine the more I understood that there was no comparison. Amaranth was still only testing the waters. However, what he was doing to me dominated everything Allium had done to me even with the most passionate kissing and touching. It was if I had never felt anything for him. As if I didn't even know who Allium Damson Charm was.
But I did. I knew Allium incredibly well. I had loved him for the longest time, and I still loved him. Even if he had decided that we were done, I had no desire to hurt him like what Amaranth and I were doing would. I loathed the thought of him being in pain. My stomach churned with disgust, and rage swept back through me the energy I had lost. Amaranth and I had been kissing for a mere few seconds, but a few seconds was more than we should have ever stole.
I was dating Allium. I loved Allium. I was off-limits.
I tore my lips away and pulled back. As if I had broken a spell, Amaranth's arms instantly dropped and he retreated. It didn't do him any good. My hand slammed across his cheek before I realized I had raised my arm.
"I SAID NO, DIDN'T I?!" I screamed at him, causing Amaranth to cower and retreat further.
"You did," he conceded rapidly, "Meadow, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"
I wasn't listening. All I could think of was what he had told me after we left the maze- that I was going to have to try a lot harder if I wanted to hurt him. So I did. My hand reconnected with Amaranth's cheek so powerfully that I had to bite back a cry of pain like the one Amaranth let out. My hand felt like a brick and Amaranth a wall, and he reeled, stumbled, and almost fell from the force of the impact. His expression contorting in agony, him clutching his hand to his cheek, him taking another step back in fear, and me seriously wondering if I had broken my wrist quelled my rage somewhat.
Feeling as alone and betrayed as I had just felt loved and protected, I withdrew into myself and turned away. My lurking tears made a strong effort to burst out, and I understood they were going to win before long.
"How were you expecting this to help me?! You've just made everything horribly worse!" I exclaimed coldly.
"Meadow, I mean it. I'm sorry. I totally lost myself. I know that's no excuse. I won't try and refuse any fault, but I didn't have any intention of-"
"No! Just...shut up. Just shut the hell up!" I raged once more, "I don't know what I'll do if you keep talking! You think you springing on me that Allium wants to break up is any better than him doing it?! You act as if you understand me when you know nothing! You keep going when I tell you to back off! Not only have you hurt me telling me what you have, but you've confused me that much more! Didn't I have enough to struggle with already?! Now I have to be more terrified because I apparently can't trust you now! What kind of person betrays his best friend by hurting his other friend?!"
"Meadow..."
"This is way worse than what Sap did! You wanted to be something more, but now I'm wondering if I hate you instead!"
My voice shook, quivered, and cracked as I yelled. The tears had come, and there was no holding them back. Amaranth called out to me desperately again when I rubbed at my eyes in a pathetic attempt to keep myself under control. I really don't know why I bothered. Amaranth stupidly began to reach his arm out towards me. I bolted. The corridor was nothing more than a blob of colors thanks to my eyes swelling with tears, but I ran without restraint. Amaranth, dead silent, made no attempts to follow me. Even then I couldn't get away fast enough. It felt like eternity before I rounded the corner and fled to the parking lot...
Well, he just did a goof, didn't he. I dunno if we'll get to see the confrontation between Am and Cocoa directly following this but I wish we could. There are just so many ways this could go! And at least Cocoa saw Meadow running away so Meadow won't be "the harlot".
ReplyDeleteIs Meadow still going to go to the play with Al? Is she going to talk to him first? Is she going to go white early from all the stress and then not graduate? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.
I like that she's planning on telling Purity that she's white before she goes (if she has to go). I've always been pretty split down the "YAY! We took the company down" and "NO. We have to go hide" options. But if she has to hide, I always wanted her to tell at least someone. I always thought it would be Am but apparently not.
I hope she finds it in her heart to forgive him if/when it turns out he was telling the truth about Al's intentions. And on that note, WTF ALLIUM. I thought he said he was he loved her! Even someone who is just a friend shouldn't do something so cruel! Dumping her in a different city away from her family and support system? I don't even care if its a 30 min drive from her house or something, its far enough to be a different city. That is cruel and just not right.
I hope he dies alone and unloved.
... So was this chapter an accident post or did you just have enough time this week for two posts? Because I am seriously just so psyched right now. I'm on my two week break from my intensive class (It's been six months since my last break). I NEEDED THIS.
<3 You're the best.
A big goof indeed. They both know Ethereal's as crazy for him as he is for her, but him getting swept away the first chance he has to be somewhat intimate with her wasn't the best for either of them. Coming on too strongly right away almost never ends well XD
ReplyDeleteThe "discussion" between Amaranth and Cocoa won't be seen. I haven't strayed away from only showing things from Ethereal's perspective, save for these last couple pictures here at the end, so going into depth about how the doomed couple handles this situation with Ethereal having clearly run far away would break the flow of the story. And Cocoa saw quite a lot actually XD Not everything, of course, but, yes, definitely enough to see that Ethereal wasn't a willing participant (on the outside, for the most part.)
Some of these questions will be answered next chapter! :D Which I am currently writing right now. Spoiler: it's not a particularly happy chapter either ;)
Purity's character and her and Ethereal's relationship has changed so many times from what I originally intended. Purity was only supposed to be a very minor nuisance just so I could have a reason to add some more white to what is supposed to be the white generation. Then it shifted to her having a bigger, nastier part. She and Ethereal weren't going to make any sort of meaningful jump forward into friendship territory until the very last second. As you've been able to see, Purity's become much more amiable much sooner than that. It helps me transition into how everyone will interact in the second generation though, and I do think Ethereal deciding to trust Purity of all people with her secret is one of the wisest choices she can make. They do have that connection.
Well, as it had been stated quite a lot, Allium is a genuine idiot :D He is also a 17-year-old boy who's scared out of his mind and really not thinking straight. I won't say more on the matter though because the next chapter really needs to be read to complete a lot of what was introduced this chapter to make it all a whole, cohesive plot. I can't explain anything or defend anyone because spoilers XD
I've intended for a while to post a second chapter in a week at some point, mostly to help reduce the overall run time of the generation. One of my friends on the official forums had her birthday this weekend, and I said I would either put out a chapter early or make a post of cute Christmas picture spam for her. This meeting of interests ended up releasing what you see here :D I've gotten ahead enough that most of the time I have the next chapter and the chapter after it done, but I have to be careful when releasing extra chapters early because too often something will come up and disturb my schedule. I need the wiggle room to make sure I'm not rushing to finish when Monday comes around.
Thank you <3
I have to say this and I know it is only my own stupidity but that wall behind them all through that chapter BUGGED the hell out of me!! - it contained Alliums pinky purple - Amaranths red - Purity's blue (the colour she should be) and then yellow??!! was that just coincidence or is that wall trying to tell us something?!
ReplyDelete~~~~~~~~~~ okay stupidity over!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I really enjoyed this extra chapter :D
AM - YOU IDIOT!! While he said all the right things, He is just so cute!! Then he went and did totally the wrong thing - carrying on when she said no.
Having said that - he is a teenage boy - and they seriously need to get together already!!!!
ALIIUM!!! SERIOUSLY??!! Would he really dump her like that when she is miles away from home??
Although I have been thinking - I doubt his Dad's dissappearance has been a help to him, it has probably hindered the way he is thinking.
I can actually see Purity and Meadow becoming best friends (as long as she does not have to do one) sisters even!!
They will understand each other because of the white thing more than most, which connects them, even if they are not related genetically which has always been a suspision of mine. I am liking the new Purity.
Cocoa - give Am hell and dump his ass - its about time he admitted that he is in love with Meadow!!
I can't believe a few posts ago I was all like, "no don't date Allium! Amarath's the one for Meadow!" I was spending that entire kissing time shaking my head, I was so happy when she slapped him in the face! I can't wait for the next post! I really want to know if Am made up Al dumping Meadow!
ReplyDeleteHaha, it really has been a whole game of back-and-forth, hasn't it? ^^ The next post should indeed help to start pushing things in the final direction though.
ReplyDeleteWhat if Ethereal just gives up on boys all together and falls in love with a girl. Seems to me that that would make her life do much easier.
ReplyDeleteJust wondering, does this unusual wednesday post mean we won't be getting a monday post?
ReplyDelete-nyrrat
p.s. I used to use anonymous as my name if your wondering who I am. I was the anon that shipped Am and Meadow, and after recent posts that ship sunk.No it didn't just sink, it exploded and should never be spoken of again.
I love Am! "Allium and I are not the same person. Just because he reacted one way doesn't mean my reaction will be identical. I can handle what he can't." I knew it, Am should be the one to know her secrets.
ReplyDelete"Not until your eyes stop telling me the real truth." Can she really blame him though? He told her he knew she felt the same way, I mean she said no but she wanted it as well. It's not like he acted just because of him, he did it because he was so sure she felt the same.
I'm really hoping they end up together and have red and white babies! Or how does it work? Do they have to be white or green or a new color?