As I sipped on my coffee and stared at my companion at the table, my thoughts whirred. Dahlia coming up to me eagerly asking me to 'break' Ethereal had been a confusing moment for sure. Then when my daughter-in-law properly explained what she meant, I'd agreed readily. Dahlia could understand the path Ethereal was grazing by due to her experiences with her father. I could see the buried pain and agony because of a highly similar situation to Ethereal's I'd been in for the longest time. Naturally, I knew that was why Dahlia had put the task before me. Even Eden couldn't get through to his sister. The issue was bad. My words and actions were basically our last line of defense short of Amaranth abruptly returning, and that was why I'd played this afternoon tentatively. Ethereal knew very well why Dahlia asked her to come to me today. She'd walked in with a high wall around her heart awaiting the barrage. Things were more comfortable now that the two of us had done nothing other than genuinely enjoy a quiet afternoon together, but it also wasn't as if I was going to let her walk out the door with nothing changing. How to ease in to addressing the topic, however, that was what my brain struggled to handle.
I panicked when the coffee ran out and Ethereal volunteered to take our cups to the sink. She sat back down, but she'd already been here a long while. I couldn't dally much longer.
"It's always a little...hmm, weird? Weird when it's so quiet here. I'm still so used to all those days hanging out with Allium and then coming over with Wisp so he and Hunter could play." Ethereal spoke reminiscently as she glanced around.
"It has taken some getting used to, especially when I recall that things could have been noisier for a time longer. When Hunter was a few years old, Jac and I discussed having another child together."
"Really? I had no idea."
"Yes," I confirmed with a smile, "We both loved the thought of getting to raise a child together after missing that chance with Allium. In the end though, we agreed we were simply too old. That time of our life had come and gone, and Jac and I could accept that. I know that even with Jac being the tiniest bit jealous of that casual relationship I'd had with Eden that he was satisfied getting to love and spoil Hunter in his interesting role of honorary uncle and spare dad."
"I'm glad for him. It is unfortunate there was a lot you both missed out on, but seeing you both happy now is a relief. You and he deserve it."
"Thank you, Ethereal," I accepted, and in that moment I came up with the perfect way to merge into what I wanted to say, "But, you know..."
However, Ethereal understood exactly what I was doing. Her shoulders tensed at the shift in my intonation, and she gave me a gentle look of pleading.
"You know I was going to address this at some point today, sweetheart." I told her warmly.
"We really don't have to."
"We really do."
She slumped in her chair like a child about to be lectured. Which, I mean, wasn't so far off from what was happening. I smiled a moment longer. It wasn't difficult to remember the little girl she'd been that I'd had to reprimand from time to time when Allium's influence got her pushing boundaries.
"I'm sure you're expecting me to tell you a hundred different things," I continued, "That everyone is here for you. That it's not good to bury your grief so deeply. That everyone in someway can connect with what you're going through. However, I'm not going to say any of that. You already know it. I'm not going to tell you that you need to cry or open up. No matter how much Dahlia thinks she's doing the right thing, it's not anyone's place to 'break' you."
Slowly, Ethereal glanced up at me once more. Her expression now twinged with curiosity instead of reluctance.
"I'm just going to tell you the truth. It doesn't matter how much you cry. It doesn't matter how much you open up. It doesn't even matter if you go home and Amaranth is waiting for you behind the door with open arms. There's no escaping the pain, the fear in your chest. For the rest of your life you'll be living with some semblance of this burden."
Ethereal raised a brow. Despite my revelation, she tilted her head in confusion more than alarm.
"I don't get what you mean. Of course I understand it if Amaranth never comes home or is found dead, but surely if he came back..."
"I thought the same thing when Jac returned. 'It will be fine now. I don't have to live with that burning loneliness anymore.' That sort of thing. Unfortunately, I was completely wrong. The human mind is ridiculous. Once scarred, it keeps taunting us with what-ifs and flashes of the past. Every single damn time Jac walks out that door my hands start to shake, even if it's only a little, due to me being afraid he won't come back. The longer he's out the more I fret that him coming back into my life was nothing more than a dream. I can't count how many nights I wake up sobbing thinking it was just a dream, and he has to hold me and reassure me that I'm not going crazy. It's hardly gotten any better despite it being twenty years. That's nothing to say how it was all those years he was gone."
Finally, I stroke a chord. My words sunk in, and Ethereal's realization of their truthful weight forced her to stand and walk behind me. Someone was telling her what no one else had been brave enough to say, but I suppose I really was the only one who knew that it was what had to be said.
"I thought about giving Al my big bed and me taking his twin bed so many times over the years," I pressed onward, fiddling with my fingers in my lap, "Reaching out at night for Jac to find he wasn't there, it drove me insane. On the other hand, sleeping in his spot cuddling his pillow with his pillowcase I refused to wash granted me comfort on other nights. There were even days where I couldn't stand the sight of Allium. He was too much of a reminder of what I'd lost. Then, again, there the opposite days where I contemplated letting him have a free day off school because I wanted to spend endless time with him."
Ethereal's expression contorted as she shook her head slightly. No doubt such situations were similar to the conflictions she'd experienced over the past three years. I stood up to face her.
"There was always a new angle at which the pain would get me. One of Allium's teachers checking to see if I needed a ticket for my husband for the school's performance, a woman behind me at the grocery line wondering when my wedding was, a new acquaintance at work asking if Jac and I were planning on having more children- those are just a few examples of the little ways I had to live with everyday reminders of what was wrong."
Ethereal stopped blinking. Her eyes were wide and full of horror, and with her next breath they swarmed with tears.
"There will come a day where Glade asks you why she doesn't have a daddy," I forced my voice to say what I didn't want to pass from my lips, "When Desi gets married, Eden or Blaze will have to step in for her father-daughter dance. Coal will continue to wish upon stars for Amaranth's return like Amaranth did for his father growing up. You will realize one day that even after watching all those old videos you can't remember what your husband's voice truly sounded like."
"No. No..." Ethereal croaked, shaking her head repeatedly now as she buried her face in her hands, "I hate this pain. It's too much. Don't tell me it's never going to go away. Didn't I suffer enough growing up?"
"I'm sorry, Ethereal."
Her tears couldn't be held back after that. In that moment, I'd succeeded even though I cursed and hated myself. I loved the dear little girl in front of me so much, yet Ethereal stood there shaking and bawling because I strove to cause both. However, unlike before, things would get better as everyone promised because she'd gone ahead and admitted what she'd refused to accept. Ethereal was in pain. So much of her life sucked right now. The road ahead wasn't going to be easy, and she would not be coming out of this without any scars. Yet now...now that the pain wasn't going to be ignored, it could be talked about. Her feelings wouldn't be bottled up, and we could work out paths to ease the great aches. My shirt was bunched and tightened as Ethereal clung to me like a young toddler. She attached herself as tight as she could, and we stood there until her loud whines morphed into quiet sobs. The floodgates from her eyes trickled into thin drops. I found some nonsense show we could watch on television, and there she cuddled with me on the couch pouting, looking miserable, and rejoicing in her well-earned chance to wallow in self-misery. More tears came as I knew they would. By the end of her second fit, Ethereal fell asleep against my chest. Jacaranda returned shortly afterwards where we shared small smiles, understanding glances, and a short kiss. He worked on an early dinner, and, when Ethereal woke up, she joined us with a genuine smile on her face like I hadn't seen in a long time at the prospect of a gigantic bowl of spaghetti and endless garlic bread.
Ethereal's expression contorted as she shook her head slightly. No doubt such situations were similar to the conflictions she'd experienced over the past three years. I stood up to face her.
"There was always a new angle at which the pain would get me. One of Allium's teachers checking to see if I needed a ticket for my husband for the school's performance, a woman behind me at the grocery line wondering when my wedding was, a new acquaintance at work asking if Jac and I were planning on having more children- those are just a few examples of the little ways I had to live with everyday reminders of what was wrong."
Ethereal stopped blinking. Her eyes were wide and full of horror, and with her next breath they swarmed with tears.
"There will come a day where Glade asks you why she doesn't have a daddy," I forced my voice to say what I didn't want to pass from my lips, "When Desi gets married, Eden or Blaze will have to step in for her father-daughter dance. Coal will continue to wish upon stars for Amaranth's return like Amaranth did for his father growing up. You will realize one day that even after watching all those old videos you can't remember what your husband's voice truly sounded like."
"No. No..." Ethereal croaked, shaking her head repeatedly now as she buried her face in her hands, "I hate this pain. It's too much. Don't tell me it's never going to go away. Didn't I suffer enough growing up?"
"I'm sorry, Ethereal."
Her tears couldn't be held back after that. In that moment, I'd succeeded even though I cursed and hated myself. I loved the dear little girl in front of me so much, yet Ethereal stood there shaking and bawling because I strove to cause both. However, unlike before, things would get better as everyone promised because she'd gone ahead and admitted what she'd refused to accept. Ethereal was in pain. So much of her life sucked right now. The road ahead wasn't going to be easy, and she would not be coming out of this without any scars. Yet now...now that the pain wasn't going to be ignored, it could be talked about. Her feelings wouldn't be bottled up, and we could work out paths to ease the great aches. My shirt was bunched and tightened as Ethereal clung to me like a young toddler. She attached herself as tight as she could, and we stood there until her loud whines morphed into quiet sobs. The floodgates from her eyes trickled into thin drops. I found some nonsense show we could watch on television, and there she cuddled with me on the couch pouting, looking miserable, and rejoicing in her well-earned chance to wallow in self-misery. More tears came as I knew they would. By the end of her second fit, Ethereal fell asleep against my chest. Jacaranda returned shortly afterwards where we shared small smiles, understanding glances, and a short kiss. He worked on an early dinner, and, when Ethereal woke up, she joined us with a genuine smile on her face like I hadn't seen in a long time at the prospect of a gigantic bowl of spaghetti and endless garlic bread.
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