I smiled at the little scene around me. The business that'd been the kitchen and dining room hardly ten minutes ago was gone. Prism, Desire, Coal, and Cerise had scattered off, and mom and dad had wandered into the spare bedroom to rest. They were feeling under the weather again, but they'd done their best to come down for Wisp's and Glade's birthday. The other family members who'd been here for the presents and cake had also left to return home. Wisp would meet up with his friends later to celebrate some more, but for now the festivities were over. Blaze and I stood talking while Wisp continually kept an eye on his watch for the alarm to go off. The important moment came, and the trilling beeping filled the area.
"There we go," Wisp bounced Glade playfully. "Now you're officially a year old. Congratulations."
Glade laughed loudly at the bouncing and Wisp peppering her cheeks with kisses. I wandered over to sneak a kiss on her cheek too. Despite my best attempt at cleaning her face, she still smelled of the cake she'd messily smashed into her mouth. My lips pulled back a little bit sticky. A little bit of stickiness, of course, was nothing compared to be the mess she'd been exactly a year ago as the doctors pulled her out of me. What a day that'd been.
And what a year it'd been. I did my best not to think of Amaranth, all he was missing, all he would miss, and the sobering thought in the back of my mind that kept me believing he was gone for good. Life had still been peaceful without him. There was so much happiness to be found. We would be alright, I would be alright...even as the constant passing of days dug the loneliness and heartbreak deeper into my core. With a silent sigh, I mentally slapped myself and smiled wider at the sight of my oldest baby and my youngest baby. Wisp was such a wonderful older brother. Seeing him with the rest of his siblings allowed me a glimpse into how things could have been for Eden and me if life had been different. That's not to say Wisp wasn't eager to hand Glade over though when his nose crinkled from a stink.
"I think all that sugar finally made it through her," he alerted us, trying not to cringe more as Glade's expression stiffening in concentration certainly signified a filling diaper.
"I'll be the sacrifice. You can get a break from diaper duty for your birthday," Blaze chuckled.
Glade was handed over where Blaze took the two of them to my room and the changing station. I began to fill the sink with water to clean the dishes that hadn't been able to fit in the dishwater. My children had run down the stairs so fast when the treats came out, but now that it was time to tidy up they were nowhere to be found.
"Need any help?" Wisp offered.
"That's alright. There's not many, and, like Blaze just said, you're the birthday boy. You're free from chores today," I denied with a smile.
Wisp quickly accepted the deal, and I went back to work. Several seconds was all it took, however, for me to notice a shift coming over him. Something was going on in that brain of his. I turned my head back in time to catch the melancholy expression he wore as he watched Blaze and Glade disappear.
Drying my hands, I tapped his shoulder. He spun around attempting to hide his more pensive stare, but nothing could be hidden from me. Wisp instantly gave up and drooped his shoulders.
"What's up?" I wondered gently.
He didn't answer. Just stood there for a moment before abruptly coming in for a tight embrace. Wisp held me so tightly it was if he was afraid to let go, and he buried his face against my shoulder like a young child. That brought back memories of his time as a little one, and it reminded me of how relatively young Wisp remained. Turns out, the thought of him still being young was exactly the reason for his sudden behavior.
"...Thank you," he mumbled after a moment of me holding him close and patting his back.
"What for?" I asked.
"It's...holding Glade just now, knowing how much work it is to take care of a baby, me turning nineteen...you were nineteen when you had me. I've known that all my life, but I never thought about it that deeply. It sounded old enough. I've always seen you as a capable adult. Now that I'm the same age, it doesn't seem old enough at all. I'm technically an adult as you were technically an adult, but I've still got so far to go. I can't imagine how hard it had to have been to have gone through what you did, to have had me how you did, to become such a wonderful mom when you should have had more time to be young. I should have been more appreciative all these years."
Instead of frowning, I smiled. I lifted his head up as I locked our eyes.
"There is nothing you should have done differently. Wisp, the situation obviously wasn't ideal and some things about it did hurt me, but I wouldn't change what happened. Not for anything. I would have suffered more as long as I still got you. You have to know that. You were my dream."
I placed my hands on his cheeks to keep his gaze up when his stare tilted down once more.
"I wanted a family. It's a simple thing almost everyone gets anyway, but the desire for the freedom to grasp it for myself is what burned brightly in my chest all those years in hiding. It still persists even now. Your birth, being your mother, watching you grow, watching you help your siblings grow...it's all I've ever needed in life.
"But you have to regret it at least somewhat," Wisp mumbled.
I frowned then when he took a small step back and wiggled his face free from my gentle grasp.
"There's no way there was never a single thought that you would have changed what happened. That you wished I'd come a few years later. That dad could have been my biological dad like with the others."
"I...suppose I do have a regret," I admitted after a moment of studying him.
Wisp cringed and inhaled with subtle pain, believing he was hearing the hidden fear coming out he clearly had been keeping for who knows how long. I placed my hands on my hips.
"I regret that I screwed up badly, that I failed you enough to make you think like that. I'm sorry, Wisp. I should have done better."
"No, mom, that's not-!" Wisp retorted instantly, upset with himself and aghast at my words.
Then he spotted my expression and halted. After a moment of processing, the corners of his lips couldn't help but to curl into a smile.
"You're too good," he acknowledged.
"I know," I replied with a smirk. My expression sobered quickly though, "I truly hope you can believe me. I wouldn't have changed anything, and if there was ever a thought that flashed through my mind seeming like regret it was only because I was concerned for you. That I indeed wasn't doing good enough for you or that you needed more. Never have I felt forlorn for myself."
"You're the best mom ever, and I wouldn't change anything either," Wisp said determinedly. "I'm sorry for being so doubtful."
"No, I'm glad you spoke up. Even though you're becoming more of a proper adult, I still want you to be able to talk to me about anything."
Taking the chance, I lured his face close again to sneak in the attack of peppering his face with quick little kisses like he'd done with Glade. The result was the same. Wisp laughed, his cheeks burst wide into a massive grin, and his eyes sparkled with ridiculous delight. He let me continue for a long moment until he pulled back to maintain some dignity.
"I do want to say though," I continued playfully. "You are still only nineteen. Don't you go having any babies yet. You're far too young."
"Don't worry. Taking care of Glade, even though I love her to death, has reminded me once again like Cerise did of how much work babies are. You won't be getting a grandchild from me for a long time," Wisp promised.
"Hmm, well don't make it too long. I would like some eventually."
"Eventually, sure. I don't even have a girlfriend yet though. I'd like to make it to that stage first before I contemplate the next."
"Sounds fair enough," I smiled.
"Need any help?" Wisp offered.
"That's alright. There's not many, and, like Blaze just said, you're the birthday boy. You're free from chores today," I denied with a smile.
Wisp quickly accepted the deal, and I went back to work. Several seconds was all it took, however, for me to notice a shift coming over him. Something was going on in that brain of his. I turned my head back in time to catch the melancholy expression he wore as he watched Blaze and Glade disappear.
Drying my hands, I tapped his shoulder. He spun around attempting to hide his more pensive stare, but nothing could be hidden from me. Wisp instantly gave up and drooped his shoulders.
"What's up?" I wondered gently.
He didn't answer. Just stood there for a moment before abruptly coming in for a tight embrace. Wisp held me so tightly it was if he was afraid to let go, and he buried his face against my shoulder like a young child. That brought back memories of his time as a little one, and it reminded me of how relatively young Wisp remained. Turns out, the thought of him still being young was exactly the reason for his sudden behavior.
"...Thank you," he mumbled after a moment of me holding him close and patting his back.
"What for?" I asked.
"It's...holding Glade just now, knowing how much work it is to take care of a baby, me turning nineteen...you were nineteen when you had me. I've known that all my life, but I never thought about it that deeply. It sounded old enough. I've always seen you as a capable adult. Now that I'm the same age, it doesn't seem old enough at all. I'm technically an adult as you were technically an adult, but I've still got so far to go. I can't imagine how hard it had to have been to have gone through what you did, to have had me how you did, to become such a wonderful mom when you should have had more time to be young. I should have been more appreciative all these years."
Instead of frowning, I smiled. I lifted his head up as I locked our eyes.
"There is nothing you should have done differently. Wisp, the situation obviously wasn't ideal and some things about it did hurt me, but I wouldn't change what happened. Not for anything. I would have suffered more as long as I still got you. You have to know that. You were my dream."
I placed my hands on his cheeks to keep his gaze up when his stare tilted down once more.
"I wanted a family. It's a simple thing almost everyone gets anyway, but the desire for the freedom to grasp it for myself is what burned brightly in my chest all those years in hiding. It still persists even now. Your birth, being your mother, watching you grow, watching you help your siblings grow...it's all I've ever needed in life.
"But you have to regret it at least somewhat," Wisp mumbled.
I frowned then when he took a small step back and wiggled his face free from my gentle grasp.
"There's no way there was never a single thought that you would have changed what happened. That you wished I'd come a few years later. That dad could have been my biological dad like with the others."
"I...suppose I do have a regret," I admitted after a moment of studying him.
Wisp cringed and inhaled with subtle pain, believing he was hearing the hidden fear coming out he clearly had been keeping for who knows how long. I placed my hands on my hips.
"I regret that I screwed up badly, that I failed you enough to make you think like that. I'm sorry, Wisp. I should have done better."
"No, mom, that's not-!" Wisp retorted instantly, upset with himself and aghast at my words.
Then he spotted my expression and halted. After a moment of processing, the corners of his lips couldn't help but to curl into a smile.
"You're too good," he acknowledged.
"I know," I replied with a smirk. My expression sobered quickly though, "I truly hope you can believe me. I wouldn't have changed anything, and if there was ever a thought that flashed through my mind seeming like regret it was only because I was concerned for you. That I indeed wasn't doing good enough for you or that you needed more. Never have I felt forlorn for myself."
"You're the best mom ever, and I wouldn't change anything either," Wisp said determinedly. "I'm sorry for being so doubtful."
"No, I'm glad you spoke up. Even though you're becoming more of a proper adult, I still want you to be able to talk to me about anything."
Taking the chance, I lured his face close again to sneak in the attack of peppering his face with quick little kisses like he'd done with Glade. The result was the same. Wisp laughed, his cheeks burst wide into a massive grin, and his eyes sparkled with ridiculous delight. He let me continue for a long moment until he pulled back to maintain some dignity.
"I do want to say though," I continued playfully. "You are still only nineteen. Don't you go having any babies yet. You're far too young."
"Don't worry. Taking care of Glade, even though I love her to death, has reminded me once again like Cerise did of how much work babies are. You won't be getting a grandchild from me for a long time," Wisp promised.
"Hmm, well don't make it too long. I would like some eventually."
"Eventually, sure. I don't even have a girlfriend yet though. I'd like to make it to that stage first before I contemplate the next."
"Sounds fair enough," I smiled.
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