My eyes stared blankly at the wall. My body ached from having lain still for so long, but the ache in my chest was far too great for me to pay attention to anything but it. I didn't even feel hungry despite not eating since the previous morning. I felt somewhat thirsty, but I knew Eden would be in soon enough to try in get something in me. There was no point for me to bother getting up. Shifting slightly and sighing, I ran my fingers over my cheeks. They were completely dry, but too often it seemed as if they were drenched. I had cried so much that even when my skin was dry like it was now that the tickling sensation of tears never went away. Content to not be sobbing again, I closed my eyes only to hurriedly reopen them when my head screamed at me. It definitely didn't like being rested against the pillow for such an extended length of time. It protested against me whenever I did anything that slightly resembled sleep.
I resumed staring and listened to the sounds of approaching footsteps instead. Eden's sigh when he entered dwarfed mine, and I knew he was wearing that frown of his that had been so constant recently.
"Ethereal," he began with contained disappointment, "You have ten minutes to get ready if you want to make it to school on time. You won't be able to shower, but you should be able to look decent at least. I'll drive you too, so you won't have to worry about getting behind the wheel at this point."
"I'm not going." I mumbled.
"You're going."
"I'm not."
"I've been patient and understanding the past two days, but you can't skip school three days in a row." Eden replied sternly.
"Why not? There have been times where I was out for two weeks. I caught up just fine then." I protested, pulling the covers over my head to hide.
"Except you're not sick."
"I'm in pain." I mumbled again.
"I know. Trust me, I know. I went through a break up too. I know what it feels like. Many people know what it feels like. It's definitely not pleasant, but you've had your brief respite. You can't keep acting like your life is over."
I frowned too, but I said nothing. When Eden came over to pull my sheets away, I pulled them right back up and snuggled myself into a sleeping position. Eden tried to get me to face him, but I refused to budge.
"Ethereal." he rebuked disapprovingly.
"My life is over. Meadow's is anyway. I've decided." I revealed.
"Excuse me?"
"Seriously, what's the point? It's already the beginning of November. There's only six months left for you and your friends to fix everything, but from what I can tell that doesn't seem like it's going to be happening."
There was a tense silence in the room when Eden couldn't contradict me.
"You've had eight years, but nothing's changed," I continued, "How long will we have to wait in hiding? One year? Another eight? Twenty? Forever? I could die in a place that would end up being a prison just like my first one. At this point, I'm expecting that to happen until you can actually guarantee me otherwise. I'm tired of false hope and overly-optimistic promises. Until the day I'm Ethereal for real, I have no interest in acting like Meadow anymore. Why should I bother going to school if an education is going to be useless? What good is having friends if I'll never be able to see them again? What does trying to accomplish anything meaningful do for me if it's all going to be yanked away? I'd rather cut off all connections now while I'm surrounded by them instead of waiting to do it when this place becomes nothing more than a memory."
More silence followed. I flipped to my other side, the most movement I had made since last night, to find Eden rubbing at his face and running his hand through his hair. He was stressed beyond belief, and I did feel guilty. However, I was still too beaten down to act on my guilt.
"I don't agree with you," Eden said with as much determination as he could muster once he collected himself, "I know the situation looks bleak. We might have to hide for longer than I would like, but that's not going to last forever. It's not going to last twenty years. It's not going to last eight. Hopefully, it shouldn't last longer than a year. It's going to be tough for the both of us being separated from what we care about, but the people we've met will understand in the end. What we've learned won't be useless. There is a point, there is a reason to keep trying."
I shook my head and rolled back over.
"False hope and overly-optimistic promises." I muttered.
Eden sighed again.
"I'll let you get away with taking today off," he conceded, "That way you can mope right into the weekend. However, you're going to see Sunset and Sunflower today. You're worrying them to death. I'm even getting calls from their parents about you."
I didn't say anything again.
"I'll bring up some water and breakfast. If you refuse to eat again, I will shove it in your mouth." Eden warned.
I fidgeted as he left the room. For the first time, I feared Eden might actually carry out such a threat.
With an exasperated exhale, I forced myself to sit- pulling at the backrest to have enough strength to get up. The outside world was already filled with morning sunlight. A brief thrill of excitement did course through my chest. Skipping school was kinda fun. I enjoyed the thought of all my classmates sitting in their chairs, being bored out of their minds, and trying, perhaps futilely, to keep the information the teachers rattled off in their brains. Meanwhile, here I was- lying in bed all day and gorging my brain with television and other vapid entertainment.
Unfortunately, spotting Allium's house from my window did a lot to remind me that I had spent much of that time watching television bawling my eyes out over my heartbreak and general hatred of my life predicament. I couldn't catch anyone walking about through the windows. Allium had probably already left for school, and Ms. Charm had to have left for work as well. I found it dismal that I was now wondering if I would ever see the inside of that house which I had spent so much time inside again. Part of me also wondered if I would be able to cope with seeing Sunset and Sunflower. My phone was full of missed messages and calls. Most of them were from those two and Frost. Allium's made up a third, and even a few from Amaranth were scattered in there with the ones from Sap, Cocoa, and then the rest of my acquaintances. I had read one, but just that had almost been more than I could handle. There was no knowing how I would react to the people I loved so much but could possibly never see again in my life.
Staring at my hand and green skin as I had done often in the past days, I imagined what would happen if I went through the effort of finding Eden's stash of injection. He had hidden it incredibly well. But, if I could find it, I could destroy it and force my limited time to become even more limited. Starting my forced isolation sooner than expected could force the last shreds of hope I had and possibly bring on reluctant complicity to it all.
In the end, I did no such thing. Eden being home all day made it difficult to do any snooping, for one, and it also just so happened that I changed my mind. I wanted to be miserable. I wanted to sulk, pout, and drench myself in the despair of what I marked to be my fate. Eden, Sunset, and Sunflower had other plans. Sunset and Sunflower were at my house so soon after school got out that it made me question whether they sped through every red light or if they magically transported themselves. Eden unlocked my locked door with his stupid master key, and after my friends were unable to get much out of me while I was in bed they literally dragged me out of my covers and brought me downstairs. There was some bickering and a bit of cursing, mostly on my part, as well as talking, crying, movie watching, junk food eating, and, miraculously, several instances of laughter. I was both comforted and given the advice I needed to hear. More importantly, I was shown that I couldn't get rid of Meadow just yet. I couldn't throw away her friends and her life because they remained my friends and my life, even if I didn't have much time left to enjoy either. I was simply going to have to deal with the fact that I couldn't survive without them until the day when I would have to do just that arrived. For the first time in those three days, as Sunset, Sunflower, and I ended up falling asleep on each other when the hour grew late, I managed to forget that my fate headed towards a cruel isolation.
I wouldn't have believed it on that Friday morning, but by the time Sunday evening rolled around I felt sort of okay. A weekend with Sunset and Sunflower forcing me back into the normal world worked wonders. They even gave me the courage to respond to some of Allium's texts. According to them, he had been "absolutely freaking" when I didn't show up to school for a third day in a row. In a nutshell, he was convinced he was the most despicable, deplorable man on the planet. It was difficult for me to say much to him in my texts, but I told him that I didn't see it that way. Allium had hurt me, but it had been a necessary pain. I wasn't angry with him. I understood Cocoa better now when she talked about being so glad that her relationship was over that she didn't mind the pain of it. There was an addicting freedom that came from the break up that allowed me to admit that I had been ready to stop dating Allium. I hadn't realized until I let up the pressure of tricking myself that I wanted him that the pressure had been crushing me. It didn't change the fact that I was as stressed as ever, but I had the space and freedom to cope with it all without feeling obligated to engage with another person so intensely. I was relieved that I did have the option to not talk to him and not see him when I didn't want to do either. I did give him a quick hello once though to show him that I wasn't messed up for life because of the break up, and that cheered him up enough that we were able to focus on going our own ways in life without worrying about the other.
Against my own words, I tried doing something meaningful each and every day. It helped me find something to do with all my new spare time. That was the main reason I started my new routine. As the days passed, my mentality also shifted and encouraged the behavior. I continue to reject Eden's hope and promises of us being freed, but I was going to use what little time I did have left to experience what I could never experience again. I talked to people I was too shy to talk to before. I participated in activities around the community I usually ignored. I spent more hours paying attention to the world around me instead of daydreaming about what I wanted. I even learned to play a bit of soccer. The risings and settings of the sun came slowly, and I found it amusing that I had done what I had jokingly rebuked Eden for doing when we first arrived in Berrybrook. I had become so accustomed to the world around me that I stopped appreciating the wonders it offered.
It was once again a Friday, the one three weeks after my pity party with my friends to be exact, when I got a call from Allium. I was finally dribbling my soccer ball well for once when my phone went off and caused me to mess up. I wonder if I ever would have picked up the call otherwise if I hadn't wanted to complain. Being in a good mood that day, I think I would have. Allium and I needed our space, but I did miss him too.
"You better have a good reason for calling, Charming," I answered, the words flowing out more easily than expected, "You messed up my dribbling."
"Sorry, sorry," he apologized with a slight chuckle, and his voice was so light and carefree in a way that I hadn't heard for a long time, "I just had a super awesome idea that I couldn't wait to share with you."
"Yeah?"
"I know this is all going to sound incredibly strange given...what happened, but just work with me for a minute or two. Are you free tomorrow evening?"
"Uh..."
I hesitated on answering big time. There was usually only ever one reason why one person asks another person if he or she is available. Allium wanted to spend time with me. I wasn't sure if I was ready for that, but as the seconds ticked by I understood I had paused for too long to tell a believable lie. Then there was the fact that I did sort of want to meet with him too.
"I don't have anything planned for tomorrow, actually." I admitted.
"Perfect," Allium continued cheerfully, "Are you in the mood to do something then?"
"I suppose..."
"Don't worry," Allium reassured after chuckling again, "This isn't going to be anything like what you think it is."
"I don't even know what I think this is."
"Well, I'm pretty sure whatever you're coming up isn't close to what I have in mind. But, anyway, you know that small picnicking area behind the Strip?"
"Yes?"
"How about you go there tomorrow around 6? Wear something nice. Dressy, but not overdoing it. Like you're going out on a date or something."
"Allium."
"Trust me. I know what I'm doing. It'll make sense once you get there." he promised optimistically.
"You know, you've always acted a bit too suspicious for my liking." I couldn't help but to tease.
"At least I kept things interesting?" he replied hopefully.
"I guess you did. Alright," I sighed, "I'll go along with this bizarre plan of yours."
"Great! I'll talk to you tomorrow evening then."
"Yeah..."
Allium hung up, and I must have spent five minutes staring at my phone wondering what in the world I had just agreed to.
That question was more prevalent in my mind when the following evening rolled around. I almost backed out of my agreement, but curiosity won me over. I got dressed in the best outfit I could find for the situation and the weather. The end of autumn was going out with one last burst of acceptable heat, which I was most thankful for. At fifteen minutes to six, I got Eden to drop me off at the specified location. Then I began to pace. I walked back and forth next to that picnic table so many times that it seemed as if that was all I knew how to do. Allium was up to something, and I couldn't figure out his motives. Perhaps he just wanted to talk. Maybe he thought us getting together for an evening would be a good way to clear the awkwardness between us. Or, there was always the chance he regretted breaking up with me. What if he thought it was soon enough after that Tuesday where he thought he still had to chance to retract what had happened? Could he be wanting to charm me into taking him back? I bit my lip at the idea. Now that my relationship with Allium was over, I had no intention of ever going back. It didn't feel right bothering with any new romantic relationships, actually. The stresses I had with Allium about abandoning him and breaking his heart wouldn't disappear just because I chose someone new. I was dead set that I wouldn't bother with dating again until the off-chance of me being Ethereal came to pass.
That was what I thought anyway.
"Meadow?" a voice said my name in vast surprise and confusion.
I whipped around. The voice that had spoken was not the one I expected. It was one I hadn't heard in about three months. When I spotted Amaranth there, I had to wonder if that long absence was what was causing the difference or if his voice had simply deepened again. Whatever the case, I liked how it sounded, even if I wasn't sure how I felt in this new predicament. I had stopped being angry with Amaranth forever ago. There had been no reason not to talk to him, especially after Allium and I broke up. However, I hadn't gathered the courage to reconnect with him, and, unfortunately, Amaranth had kept well on his promise to leave me alone. Him suddenly being with me then was remarkably strange.
"I-I wasn't expecting you to be here." he said with timid defensiveness, as if he was afraid I was going to blow up at him.
"I wasn't expecting you." I revealed, giving him a supportive grin, "I thought I was meeting with Allium."
"Me too."
We both paused in silence as we quickly read the situation.
"He's done something weird, hasn't he?" Amaranth chuckled.
"It looks that way. He did tell me when he called that I couldn't imagine what he had in store." I shrugged.
Amaranth nodded before shifting, glancing down at the ground, and chuckling again. He laughed louder when I gave him a look.
"Honestly though, that I was supposed to meet you here instead has everything making a lot more sense. Especially these. I believe they're supposed to be for you." Amaranth said as he held out a bouquet of white roses I hadn't spotted in his hand.
I couldn't help but to blush as I took them. With Allium telling me to dress up like I was going on a date, it didn't take too much effort to figure out what was going on.
"I thought Allium had snapped when he told me to come here dressed up decently with a thing of flowers," Amaranth continued, "He said doing so would get him to forgive me though, so I didn't question him."
"That's relieving to hear. T-that he'll forgive you, I mean." I stumbled over my words, failing to push back the growing beating of my heart.
Three months really wasn't that long in the great span of time, but I had already forgotten the pleasant addictiveness that a fluttered heart possessed.
"Well, let's see first if I don't become irritated with him instead. I think we need to give him a call to get to the bottom of this." Amaranth proposed, mostly joking.
I set the flowers down on the table and fidgeted as Amaranth pulled up Allium's number. I couldn't believe this was actually happening. I hadn't talked to Amaranth since September, and now Allium had put me in this situation. What was I supposed to say? What if Amaranth felt bitter at me? The amused smile he flashed my way didn't lend any proof to that thought. In truth, Amaranth appeared so excited that I hadn't said a disapproving word about him being in my presence. A strange pulsing spread through my chest as I realized that simple joy of his was incredibly cute. All of the passing weeks hadn't done a thing to lessen what I felt towards him. At first, I pushed aside my desire...until it dawned on me that I didn't have to. Amaranth and Cocoa had been broken up for months now. It had only been a couple weeks for Allium and I, but I had an inkling we soon would be finding out that he didn't care. Amaranth was single. I was single. He liked me. I liked him. My resolve to temporarily swear off boys momentarily forgotten, I went nearly lightheaded at the thrill that there was no longer anything holding Amaranth and I apart from each other.
"Good evening, Allium Charm." Amaranth greeted when Allium picked up.
I twiddled my fingers behind my back nervously as Allium gave his response.
"Yes, I am here. Where are you?"
Another pause.
"At your house," Amaranth repeated, I figured for my sake, "Yes, I gave her the flowers, and, yes, I am aware of what this situation looks like. You can't be serious though."
There was some more waiting, and eventually I received another of Amaranth's grins.
"He wants me to put him on speakerphone." he said.
Trying to quiet my heart beating faster as I got right up close to Amaranth, I leaned in to join the conversation.
"Hey, Medy." Allium greeted me merrily as if nothing was out of the ordinary.
"Hello, Charming," I said with a light roll of my eyes, "What happened to meeting me here?"
"I only said that I would talk to you tonight, remember? And here we are. Talking." Allium teased.
"Since we're talking, I must ask- did you seriously set me and Am up on a secret date that neither of us knew about?"
"Obviously!" Allium teased harder, "Look, I just couldn't take you two anymore. I thought you would at least start talking again after we broke up. When you didn't, I realized I was going to have to take action for the both of you myself. I already told you, Meadow, that I knew you had a thing for Am."
I turned my head away, a furious blush scalding my cheeks.
"And about Am liking you- don't even get me started. The guys has been head over heels in love with you since the first time you met. You know," Allium laughed, "Remember back when he suddenly wanted to have a birthday party even though he normally doesn't like them? It was because he wanted his party to be the first one you got to attend in Berrybrook. All he ever wanted to talk about was you. His face would light up like a kid at Christmas whenever he found out you would be joining us."
"Thanks, secret teller." Amaranth mumbled, the sudden rise in pitch and fluctuations in his voice showing that he was just as embarrassed as me.
"Hey, you blabbed my secret. I can blab some of yours," Allium pointed out, making Amaranth shrug, "But, seriously, I know things got kinda screwed up between us for a bit there. I don't want to be the guy that allows it to destroy everything we've cared about and built up for the past eight years. Meadow, I don't give a damn that it's only been three weeks since we broke up. If you two don't want to date, that's your own choice. I merely wanted to give you this opportunity to just fucking talk to each other already and get things sorted out on your end. You can't avoid each other for this night. I've already paid for your dinner at Bagatelle, which is where you will be eating. After that, you can do whatever you want."
"You're a little crazy, Al," Amaranth said quietly, "But thanks."
"You're welcome," Allium chirped brightly, "And, yes, you are forgiven, you dweeb, as long as you don't screw tonight up. We might not be dating anymore, but if you make Meadow cry again I won't hesitate to send another punch your way."
"You won't have to worry about that, but thanks for the reminder. Just be careful- karma's working against you now. It could be your turn next time." Amaranth warned sarcastically.
"Bring it, red boy." Allium taunted.
The two bantered for a moment more. I sneaked in a few closing remarks with Allium as well before he reminded up that we should hurry up and snag our reservation. Bagatelle, the bistro on the other side of the buildings where we were, wasn't a five-star restaurant by any means, but it was usually packed full on Saturday evenings. Allium had gotten us one of the quiet tables outside, which I was both thankful and hesitant about. The last thing I wanted was to be inside the packed, noisy building, but too much quiet only emphasized the practically silent air between Amaranth and I. A large part of me continued to struggle with the newly discovered realization that I could accept my feelings for him, and Amaranth's initial joy at being around me again wore off to show that he didn't know what to say or even where to begin either. We handled a few basic sentences, but it got to the point where there mere half-minutes between those sentences stretched out for eternity. I tried to eat faster, but it was as if there was no end to my meal.
Blessedly, things got easier where I made unanticipated eye contact with Amaranth. The swirling sunset begged to be looked at, but when I turned my head I saw that Amaranth had something else he found mesmerizing. Instead of tearing his eyes away like he would normally do, another tiny smile graced his lips. I swore the temperature randomly increased when he did. My body ached with a warmth that made the crisp, autumn air feel more like summer. In truth, I found it remarkable that such a tiny thing like a smile could elicit such a massive response to my entire person.
"So, this is pretty good," Amaranth spoke, twirling his spaghetti with his fork, "But, I think I like your recipe better."
"Nice try," I teased, feeling safer to stay away from serious conversation, "The chefs here are actual chefs. Anything they do is going to be made more professionally than what I can whip up."
"It's not about how professionally it's made- the fancy equipment and techniques and whatnot. It does just come down to taste. This," Amaranth twirled the spaghetti again, "It's good, but it feels like they're trying too hard. It's like they're assuming that stuffing as many ingredients into as possible will give it that 'gourmet' feel when it's really creating a mess. You on the other hand, have a distinct talent for bringing out the natural flavor in food and emphasizing without going overboard. That's why I like your cooking better."
"It's just pasta." I mumbled, embarrassment levels rising high again.
"It's good pasta."
I stared hard at my plate. It wasn't only my embarrassment that was growing, but my guilt as well. Amaranth, like his typical self, was being far too nice. His mind was clearly set firmly in the present, but it was difficult for me to think about anything other than our last encounter.
"I'm sorry." I practically whispered when the burden in my chest weighed too heavily.
"Pardon?"
"I'm sorry. It doesn't feel right acting like this when I haven't even apologized yet."
Amaranth's head was tilted slightly in confusion when I meekly glanced his way.
"I don't hate you." I said softly.
That caused Amaranth to nod a few times and let out the tiniest of laughs in amusement.
"I had a feeling that you didn't. I appreciate you saying so though."
"I feel so horrible about it all, especially what Al did. That was too much."
"There's no reason for you to feel horrible, especially for what Al did," Amaranth emphasized, instantly more serious, "It wasn't just me kissing you and you crying that set him off. After he found me and gave me a deserved punch or two, I might have said some stuff to him that pushed him when didn't need to be pushed."
"What did you say?" I questioned with quiet curiosity.
"Stuff that probably could have been left until later. Hard truths he didn't want to hear, a few of them being about the situation with you two and your relationship." Amaranth answered with a shrug.
I had been timid about bringing up the topic, but I was glad that I did in the end. That particular conversation didn't last longer, but it was a relief to know that Amaranth had practically begged for Allium to hit him. It did take away a lot of the guilt I felt about getting Amaranth beat up when he didn't deserve it. The lightening of my chest allowed me to feel more comfortable with the 'date'. Amaranth and I talked easier, and when dinner was done we decided to keep our time together going for a while longer. Stuffed from our meal, we agreed on a walk to help burn off the calories.
"It sure has gotten dark so fast. It's not even seven yet." I complained lightly as the sun continued to slip below the horizon to morph the bright yellows and pinks of sunset into the blues and purples of the coming night.
"Winter is almost here. I wouldn't be surprised if it's snowing by this time next week." Amaranth supposed lightheartedly.
"Oh, don't even say that." I cringed with dread.
"Sounds like you would prefer to live somewhere without winter."
"If I didn't happen to love Berrybrook so much, I would move to a place like Shiny Sands again in a heartbeat. The less cold and snow, the less I get sick."
"You've done well these past winters though. You haven't even had to go to the hospital, save for that one mishap at Wonder Light." Amaranth pointed out.
"I know, but it's only a matter of time."
Amaranth and I talked without stopping until the sun slept and the stars were awake in all their glory. With both our feet aching somewhat, we took a break on a comfy seat of grass as our gaze turned skywards as it had countless times over the years.
"Desal will be rather high in the sky at this time of the year, right?" I asked, searching the heavens above.
"We'd have a perfect view of it from right here- if we had a telescope." Amaranth confirmed.
"I'm surprised you don't just carry one around with you all the time," I joked, "You know, I've never thought to ask, but was there anything in particular that got you so into astronomy?"
"It was mom and dad, actually," Amaranth revealed, grinning when I became perplexed, "Of course I didn't understand what death was when Blaze first told me what had happened to them when I asked where they were. So, like many other adults, he told me they had gone up into the heavens to live amongst the stars. I got it into my head that if I studied and searched the stars deeply enough that I could find them, and then they could come back. By the time I realized that would never happen, I had come to love what I had learned, all the stories and legends and the great vastness of it all, that I saw no point giving my research up. In the end, I think I'm still searching for something. Don't ask me what that something is though."
"No, I get what you mean. The sky up above remains such a mystery, but if you stare long enough you feel like you understand everything just a little bit more."
"Didn't I say something like that you to before?" Amaranth wondered with a chuckle.
"Most likely," I laughed, "You have influenced me massively over the years."
"I think 'brain-washed' would be a better phrase to use."
"Could be." I laughed again.
Amaranth's smile grew wider as his head remained tilted up. However, I found my stare being pulled downwards. It was impossibly hard not to reach and place my hand on Amaranth's, which was so temptingly close.
Blessedly, I didn't have to resist anymore after that. Thick clouds rolled in to block the stars. The area around us drenched in pitch blackness, the two of us got up to head back towards streets lit up by the buzzing glow of streetlamps. Maneuvering about in the initial darkness was what had Amaranth reaching for my hand. The relief from stinging desire was what kept it there. That was the reason for me to keep my fingers intertwined with his anyway. As we strolled leisurely, talking and having no true destination, I remarked at the difference between the current moment and that winter day months and months and months ago. So many questioned and concerns had been fluttering through my mind then. Now, there were no concerns. There were no questions. I wanted to hold Amaranth's hand and never let go, so I did. His grip was protective, guiding, comforting, and most importantly, loving. For those minutes that passed as we walked, nothing felt as right as being with Amaranth did.
Unfortunately, the feeling didn't last. The lights grew dimmer behind us as we moved to a quieter area. One we were both familiar with. Another smile found its way onto Amaranth's face as he led us across the street.
"Been a while since we've been to the maze." he stated reminiscently.
"More like a lifetime ago." I agreed, remarking on how much had changed in such a relatively short amount of time.
"Isn't it weird how that works? Vast quantities can pass in the blink of an eye, but then a few months can never seem to end."
"Makes me feel a bit more sympathetic towards Eden. Sometimes it feels like I've lived a whole, long life, so when he complains about how old he's getting I can't imagine how much more intense the sensation is."
"I hear you. Blaze is the same way- constantly moaning about how he's closer to 40 than he is 30. Him, Eden, and Ms. Charm are all that way now."
"Oh God, that is true, isn't it?" I realized with light horror, "Eden has always just seemed like Eden. Like he's always been the same, and he'll always be the same. I don't like imagining him getting old at all."
Amaranth made some witty comment about Eden thinking the same about me, but I was barely listening. My mood shifted from being light and cheerful to something more serious once again.
"It makes what he tells me all that time that much more meaningful." I said softly, almost somberly.
"What does he tell you?" Amaranth wondered gently.
His hand slid back into mine, and seconds later we were closer than ever before. Inch by inch, Amaranth pulled a willing me closer until we were pressing against one another. In the far distance there were signs of life, but where we were there was merely him, me, and the quiet of the city night.
"Just the basic life advice that anyone who is older will tell to someone who is younger. Don't let your life pass you by. Grab advantages while they're in front of you. Go after what you want before you lose your chance."
"It's good advice."
"Mhmm." I nodded slowly.
Amaranth's arms wrapped tighter around my waist. His breath tickled my skin as we drew even closer. His expression lit up like it shined with its own light when I reached up to place my hand against his cheek. Awe overtook me. It was one of those moments where it sinks in that the person in front of you is actually another person. Amaranth has his own thoughts and feelings, his own consciousness, and his own view that was entirely different from what I saw through my eyes. There was this whole other existence staring at me as if I was the most beloved thing he had ever known in his life. It was an exhilarating, somewhat scarily startling, realization to have.
Then, instantly, it was as if someone flipped a switch. The emotions swirling around in my chest, elated and at peace, sunk to the deepest, coldest depths imaginable. I had forgotten what I wasn't allowed to forget. The cruelty of who I really was.
"Meadow?" Amaranth frowned when I suddenly jerked back.
He was quick to let go when I pulled away even further.
"Sorry. We...can't be like this," I murmured, "We should both just go home."
"Any particular reason as to why?" Amaranth wondered with concerned curiosity.
My words caught in my throat. The desire to tell him everything was as strong as my desire for him, but there was no way I could tell him anything. I was forced to shake my head and take another step back when Amaranth reached for me.
"This is about your big secret again, isn't it?" he guessed correctly, "Meadow, I mean it. You don't have to worry about telling me. I was being honest when I said letting me know what's going on will allow me to help you. I'm not afraid of the danger or consequences."
I shook my head more vigorously. Burning fear of what could be my future overcame me, and old instincts of running from what I didn't want to face took hold when Amaranth reached to comfort me a second time. I bolted into the maze to hide like I had done so often when I was with The Company.
"Meadow!" Amaranth cried futilely after me in exasperation, "Oh, come on! You know I have a hard enough time getting around in there when I can actually see where I'm going!"
I had already ducked down the second I reached the first turn. Amaranth hastily followed, but with my expert knowledge of the maze I could have gone through it once and then back again with my eyes closed before he could make it through the first half. I knew which turns and routes to take to reach the secluded dead ends. My soft shoes had me padding soundlessly while Amaranth fumbled around noisily. The severe lack of light made the already dizzying twists and openings impossible to discern for him. That my green blended in so perfectly with the maze around me hindered him further. I ignored Amaranth's calls as I took a seat in the best hiding spot I could think of in the complicated center of hedges.
I don't know why I thought letting the date continue past dinner had been a good idea. The whole evening had been nothing but a painful reminder of what was being denied to me. I just wanted to be a normal girl. I just wanted to date the guy I liked. I had told Amaranth those words, but his own response that I was not a normal girl haunted me. I could only ever play the part of a normal girl. There was no way I could date Amaranth. Every inch of me craved it. Craved him. I wanted to believe him when he said he could help, but how could he? What else could he do but hold me and tell me that things would be alright? All it would lead to was more of that hated false hope and those crippling overly-optimistic promises before both our hearts got broken.
Too absorbed in my wallowing, I didn't notice Amaranth accidentally stumbling upon me until it was too late. The scene was almost comical with the way I jumped up and how he gave chase. Ducking down slowed me, so I dashed with all my might in order to eat least put enough distance between us for him to get confused again. Then I could sneak out of the maze entirely and get a taxi or something before he realized I was gone. That is most likely how it would have gone down had Amaranth decided to play by the rules of the maze. As it was, the second he realized I had separated from him he nimbly leapt over the hedge in his way to snatch my wrist.
"This is ridiculous," he remarked as he held me in place, "You running around in here, and this fear you have. You don't have to be afraid."
"Let me go." I demanded, my voice suddenly cracking and wavering as a warning that tears weren't far off.
Amaranth hesitated, the expression on his face as stiff as stone, but his fingers slowly loosened their grip until they lightly lifted themselves away.
There was no point trying to run. Amaranth was poised to launch himself after me if I thought about doing so, but even if I thought I could get away again I was wholly unable to move. The despair plaguing my chest dragged the rest of me down with it. My body weighed a thousand tons. I could barely even lift my arms to bury my face in my hands as my tears poured forth without shame. Holding them back was useless no matter how much I wished I could.
"Meadow." Amaranth said softly, placing a hand on my shoulder.
"I'm sorry," I squeaked out, "You have no idea how much I want to...I-it's not that I...don't want to be with you, but I can't. I can't get you tangled up in my mess."
"Maybe I'm already tangled up in your mess."
The way he spoke, almost with absolute confidence, forced me to peek at him through my fingers. It was then that his voice stuttered somewhat and he appeared a little nervous.
"A-Al said we're a part of whatever is going on just by knowing you. If being around you is a danger like what he said based on what you told him, then I don't see how us being together would make things that much worse for me than they are now. Even as just friends there have been times where months went by where we saw each other daily. Do you honestly, genuinely believe that this 'they' will care that much more about me just because you and me like sticking our tongues in each other's mouths?" Amaranth asked so earnestly that I couldn't help but to laugh pitifully through my sobs.
A brief smile tilted Amaranth's lips, but it quickly vanished when my fleeting amusement turned back into soft crying. Flinching lightly when he stepped closer, I sank into his embrace when he gathered me in his arms. That alone struck my resolve down by half. Amaranth's hold had been comforting to me for far too many years for me to reject the safety it presented now. My hitched breathing calmed, and my waterworks slowed to a tiny trickle.
"It's already going to be painful enough- what's going to happen," I spoke into his chest, "I'm preparing for the pain though. I'm not going to put you through it."
"Shouldn't I at least get the chance to know what I'll be up against before you make my decision for me?" Amaranth questioned gently but with determination.
"I told Al, and it was the main reason he broken up with me."
"I'm not Allium," Amaranth sighed quietly, "I'm me, and I've had the chance to watch you two from afar. I already know some of the situation, unlike him who had to take it in all at once. I've had the opportunity to consider the consequences and sort through my feelings with a clear head. To be honest, I've already made my choice. No matter how many times you tell me 'no', there's no denying the fact that I am in love with you and will be in love with you no matter what kind of pain lies ahead. I tried pretending that you were nothing to me once, and I hated myself afterwards."
Amaranth placed a finger under my chin and lifted my head. He gazed at me tenderly.
"I already told you that I'm not going to give up, didn't I? Not until I look in your eyes and don't see your love for me reflecting back, right? Until that day where I see that and face true heartbreak, I will stand right here and endure anything."
Silencing my sniffles, I wiped my cheeks dry. There it was again. False hope and overly-optimistic promises. However, the longer Amaranth's stare remained connected with mine, the more honest his words become. False hope became real, and his promises grew into something I could believe in. I dared to have a shaking, shifting faith for one moment, and the change was not lost on Amaranth. He cupped my cheeks in his hands, and the crisp, autumn air ceased to be a problem as a glowing warmth spread over my skin.
"You don't have to give me an answer right here and now as to whether we will date. Allium might be fine already, but it's understandable that you will need more time. I don't want to pressure you. I don't think this is the moment where we should be making any big decisions anyway," Amaranth admitted, "However, maybe we could start off small? Why don't you trust me with what you told Allium? He's already accidentally revealed half of it to me. Let me give you my answer to that. Let's see how or if that changes anything for you, and we can work from there."
Hesitating, Amaranth and I locked eyes for eternity. It was his will battling against mine, and I was fighting for a lost cause to begin with having those red gems encouraging me.
"There's some people after Eden and I," I began in a whisper, "Neither of us did anything wrong. They don't want to find us because we did something bad. They want to find us because of who I am. Eden and I were gone for those two weeks because we were hiding from them when they got close. If they had found us, well, none of you would have ever seen or heard from me again. That's still a reality of that happening. It's a strong reality too, because it won't just happen because of them. Eden and I can't hide forever. Our time is running out. We only have a couple months left, and, once they're up, we'll have to take off like we did in those two weeks. I can only return or contact anyone if we can get them off our backs, but that doesn't seem likely at this point..."
My cheeks burned as I trailed off. I timidly glanced around as I half expected Ms. Yellow or even just anyone else standing around listening to my words. The quietness of the night persisted as it remained just Amaranth and me as far as the eye could see. I loathed that quiet as it continued on. It grew more difficult to look at Amaranth. His expression hadn't changed, but I could see thoughts buzzing around madly in his head. I cringed again, but was mildly surprised when he spoke.
"Is that what's been making you so afraid? You disappearing?" he wondered.
"I hate it more than the idea of being trapped now," I confirmed with a sad nod, "Being confined, it's horrible, but what's worse is being forever separated from what I care about. It's better to freeze for eternity than know the warmth of a fire then have it fade. Better to be ignorant and know nothing than experience the world before never seeing it again. Than knowing love only to lose it."
I placed my hand against his cheek again for a brief moment, fighting back the wetness in my eyes once more. My stomach churned with nerves and expectation as I watched Amaranth try to make sense of it all.
"That does sound horrible. Loving, but having that love stolen from you. It sounds like one of those situations where maybe it is best to let go before you're dealt a great hurt." he mused softly.
I nodded, holding my breath and terrified of the doubt in his voice.
"You're telling me that there is this strong chance of you vanishing for good?" he questioned.
I nodded again. A tinier, more miserable one. Another frown was on his face. His stare was cast sideways at the ground. His grip on me was loosening. I took a deep breath and told myself the lie that it was for the best if he turned away in this moment. I braced for the worst, and I'm sure my expression went flat when Amaranth suddenly chuckled. He tightened his hold, stared at me with glimmering eyes, beamed a brilliant smile, and spoke with honest, open, and slightly amused conviction that swept my breath away.
"Well, if you disappear..." he started with surety, with the strength of heartfelt promise, "Then I'm just going to have to come find you, aren't I?"
Amaranth laughed louder when I couldn't answer. Only stare in stunned amazement. I don't think I fully realized the intensity of how Amaranth's words changed me until the next morning, but I understood in those seconds that my resolve was all but gone. I did believe Amaranth. I knew that I could trust him. I knew that he would find me.
My fear subsiding, a smile spreading across my lips banished the last throngs of tears lurking and seeking their chance to attack. I wanted to jump around and shout out my relief, but Amaranth tilted my chin again and lured it close. I could not shout, for he leaned in to give me the relief I more desperately wanted fulfilled. My chest soared and bounced around for me as I could succumb to what my heart craved with safety and without guilt. Amaranth and I would talk with seriousness about consequences and repercussions in the days to come, but, in the end, I knew I would take the risk to love and lose than shut myself off from the most wonderful happiness I had ever had.
I wouldn't have believed it on that Friday morning, but by the time Sunday evening rolled around I felt sort of okay. A weekend with Sunset and Sunflower forcing me back into the normal world worked wonders. They even gave me the courage to respond to some of Allium's texts. According to them, he had been "absolutely freaking" when I didn't show up to school for a third day in a row. In a nutshell, he was convinced he was the most despicable, deplorable man on the planet. It was difficult for me to say much to him in my texts, but I told him that I didn't see it that way. Allium had hurt me, but it had been a necessary pain. I wasn't angry with him. I understood Cocoa better now when she talked about being so glad that her relationship was over that she didn't mind the pain of it. There was an addicting freedom that came from the break up that allowed me to admit that I had been ready to stop dating Allium. I hadn't realized until I let up the pressure of tricking myself that I wanted him that the pressure had been crushing me. It didn't change the fact that I was as stressed as ever, but I had the space and freedom to cope with it all without feeling obligated to engage with another person so intensely. I was relieved that I did have the option to not talk to him and not see him when I didn't want to do either. I did give him a quick hello once though to show him that I wasn't messed up for life because of the break up, and that cheered him up enough that we were able to focus on going our own ways in life without worrying about the other.
Against my own words, I tried doing something meaningful each and every day. It helped me find something to do with all my new spare time. That was the main reason I started my new routine. As the days passed, my mentality also shifted and encouraged the behavior. I continue to reject Eden's hope and promises of us being freed, but I was going to use what little time I did have left to experience what I could never experience again. I talked to people I was too shy to talk to before. I participated in activities around the community I usually ignored. I spent more hours paying attention to the world around me instead of daydreaming about what I wanted. I even learned to play a bit of soccer. The risings and settings of the sun came slowly, and I found it amusing that I had done what I had jokingly rebuked Eden for doing when we first arrived in Berrybrook. I had become so accustomed to the world around me that I stopped appreciating the wonders it offered.
It was once again a Friday, the one three weeks after my pity party with my friends to be exact, when I got a call from Allium. I was finally dribbling my soccer ball well for once when my phone went off and caused me to mess up. I wonder if I ever would have picked up the call otherwise if I hadn't wanted to complain. Being in a good mood that day, I think I would have. Allium and I needed our space, but I did miss him too.
"You better have a good reason for calling, Charming," I answered, the words flowing out more easily than expected, "You messed up my dribbling."
"Sorry, sorry," he apologized with a slight chuckle, and his voice was so light and carefree in a way that I hadn't heard for a long time, "I just had a super awesome idea that I couldn't wait to share with you."
"Yeah?"
"I know this is all going to sound incredibly strange given...what happened, but just work with me for a minute or two. Are you free tomorrow evening?"
"Uh..."
I hesitated on answering big time. There was usually only ever one reason why one person asks another person if he or she is available. Allium wanted to spend time with me. I wasn't sure if I was ready for that, but as the seconds ticked by I understood I had paused for too long to tell a believable lie. Then there was the fact that I did sort of want to meet with him too.
"I don't have anything planned for tomorrow, actually." I admitted.
"Perfect," Allium continued cheerfully, "Are you in the mood to do something then?"
"I suppose..."
"Don't worry," Allium reassured after chuckling again, "This isn't going to be anything like what you think it is."
"I don't even know what I think this is."
"Well, I'm pretty sure whatever you're coming up isn't close to what I have in mind. But, anyway, you know that small picnicking area behind the Strip?"
"Yes?"
"How about you go there tomorrow around 6? Wear something nice. Dressy, but not overdoing it. Like you're going out on a date or something."
"Allium."
"Trust me. I know what I'm doing. It'll make sense once you get there." he promised optimistically.
"You know, you've always acted a bit too suspicious for my liking." I couldn't help but to tease.
"At least I kept things interesting?" he replied hopefully.
"I guess you did. Alright," I sighed, "I'll go along with this bizarre plan of yours."
"Great! I'll talk to you tomorrow evening then."
"Yeah..."
Allium hung up, and I must have spent five minutes staring at my phone wondering what in the world I had just agreed to.
That question was more prevalent in my mind when the following evening rolled around. I almost backed out of my agreement, but curiosity won me over. I got dressed in the best outfit I could find for the situation and the weather. The end of autumn was going out with one last burst of acceptable heat, which I was most thankful for. At fifteen minutes to six, I got Eden to drop me off at the specified location. Then I began to pace. I walked back and forth next to that picnic table so many times that it seemed as if that was all I knew how to do. Allium was up to something, and I couldn't figure out his motives. Perhaps he just wanted to talk. Maybe he thought us getting together for an evening would be a good way to clear the awkwardness between us. Or, there was always the chance he regretted breaking up with me. What if he thought it was soon enough after that Tuesday where he thought he still had to chance to retract what had happened? Could he be wanting to charm me into taking him back? I bit my lip at the idea. Now that my relationship with Allium was over, I had no intention of ever going back. It didn't feel right bothering with any new romantic relationships, actually. The stresses I had with Allium about abandoning him and breaking his heart wouldn't disappear just because I chose someone new. I was dead set that I wouldn't bother with dating again until the off-chance of me being Ethereal came to pass.
That was what I thought anyway.
"Meadow?" a voice said my name in vast surprise and confusion.
I whipped around. The voice that had spoken was not the one I expected. It was one I hadn't heard in about three months. When I spotted Amaranth there, I had to wonder if that long absence was what was causing the difference or if his voice had simply deepened again. Whatever the case, I liked how it sounded, even if I wasn't sure how I felt in this new predicament. I had stopped being angry with Amaranth forever ago. There had been no reason not to talk to him, especially after Allium and I broke up. However, I hadn't gathered the courage to reconnect with him, and, unfortunately, Amaranth had kept well on his promise to leave me alone. Him suddenly being with me then was remarkably strange.
"I-I wasn't expecting you to be here." he said with timid defensiveness, as if he was afraid I was going to blow up at him.
"I wasn't expecting you." I revealed, giving him a supportive grin, "I thought I was meeting with Allium."
"Me too."
We both paused in silence as we quickly read the situation.
"He's done something weird, hasn't he?" Amaranth chuckled.
"It looks that way. He did tell me when he called that I couldn't imagine what he had in store." I shrugged.
Amaranth nodded before shifting, glancing down at the ground, and chuckling again. He laughed louder when I gave him a look.
"Honestly though, that I was supposed to meet you here instead has everything making a lot more sense. Especially these. I believe they're supposed to be for you." Amaranth said as he held out a bouquet of white roses I hadn't spotted in his hand.
I couldn't help but to blush as I took them. With Allium telling me to dress up like I was going on a date, it didn't take too much effort to figure out what was going on.
"I thought Allium had snapped when he told me to come here dressed up decently with a thing of flowers," Amaranth continued, "He said doing so would get him to forgive me though, so I didn't question him."
"That's relieving to hear. T-that he'll forgive you, I mean." I stumbled over my words, failing to push back the growing beating of my heart.
Three months really wasn't that long in the great span of time, but I had already forgotten the pleasant addictiveness that a fluttered heart possessed.
"Well, let's see first if I don't become irritated with him instead. I think we need to give him a call to get to the bottom of this." Amaranth proposed, mostly joking.
I set the flowers down on the table and fidgeted as Amaranth pulled up Allium's number. I couldn't believe this was actually happening. I hadn't talked to Amaranth since September, and now Allium had put me in this situation. What was I supposed to say? What if Amaranth felt bitter at me? The amused smile he flashed my way didn't lend any proof to that thought. In truth, Amaranth appeared so excited that I hadn't said a disapproving word about him being in my presence. A strange pulsing spread through my chest as I realized that simple joy of his was incredibly cute. All of the passing weeks hadn't done a thing to lessen what I felt towards him. At first, I pushed aside my desire...until it dawned on me that I didn't have to. Amaranth and Cocoa had been broken up for months now. It had only been a couple weeks for Allium and I, but I had an inkling we soon would be finding out that he didn't care. Amaranth was single. I was single. He liked me. I liked him. My resolve to temporarily swear off boys momentarily forgotten, I went nearly lightheaded at the thrill that there was no longer anything holding Amaranth and I apart from each other.
"Good evening, Allium Charm." Amaranth greeted when Allium picked up.
I twiddled my fingers behind my back nervously as Allium gave his response.
"Yes, I am here. Where are you?"
Another pause.
"At your house," Amaranth repeated, I figured for my sake, "Yes, I gave her the flowers, and, yes, I am aware of what this situation looks like. You can't be serious though."
There was some more waiting, and eventually I received another of Amaranth's grins.
"He wants me to put him on speakerphone." he said.
Trying to quiet my heart beating faster as I got right up close to Amaranth, I leaned in to join the conversation.
"Hey, Medy." Allium greeted me merrily as if nothing was out of the ordinary.
"Hello, Charming," I said with a light roll of my eyes, "What happened to meeting me here?"
"I only said that I would talk to you tonight, remember? And here we are. Talking." Allium teased.
"Since we're talking, I must ask- did you seriously set me and Am up on a secret date that neither of us knew about?"
"Obviously!" Allium teased harder, "Look, I just couldn't take you two anymore. I thought you would at least start talking again after we broke up. When you didn't, I realized I was going to have to take action for the both of you myself. I already told you, Meadow, that I knew you had a thing for Am."
I turned my head away, a furious blush scalding my cheeks.
"And about Am liking you- don't even get me started. The guys has been head over heels in love with you since the first time you met. You know," Allium laughed, "Remember back when he suddenly wanted to have a birthday party even though he normally doesn't like them? It was because he wanted his party to be the first one you got to attend in Berrybrook. All he ever wanted to talk about was you. His face would light up like a kid at Christmas whenever he found out you would be joining us."
"Thanks, secret teller." Amaranth mumbled, the sudden rise in pitch and fluctuations in his voice showing that he was just as embarrassed as me.
"Hey, you blabbed my secret. I can blab some of yours," Allium pointed out, making Amaranth shrug, "But, seriously, I know things got kinda screwed up between us for a bit there. I don't want to be the guy that allows it to destroy everything we've cared about and built up for the past eight years. Meadow, I don't give a damn that it's only been three weeks since we broke up. If you two don't want to date, that's your own choice. I merely wanted to give you this opportunity to just fucking talk to each other already and get things sorted out on your end. You can't avoid each other for this night. I've already paid for your dinner at Bagatelle, which is where you will be eating. After that, you can do whatever you want."
"You're a little crazy, Al," Amaranth said quietly, "But thanks."
"You're welcome," Allium chirped brightly, "And, yes, you are forgiven, you dweeb, as long as you don't screw tonight up. We might not be dating anymore, but if you make Meadow cry again I won't hesitate to send another punch your way."
"You won't have to worry about that, but thanks for the reminder. Just be careful- karma's working against you now. It could be your turn next time." Amaranth warned sarcastically.
"Bring it, red boy." Allium taunted.
The two bantered for a moment more. I sneaked in a few closing remarks with Allium as well before he reminded up that we should hurry up and snag our reservation. Bagatelle, the bistro on the other side of the buildings where we were, wasn't a five-star restaurant by any means, but it was usually packed full on Saturday evenings. Allium had gotten us one of the quiet tables outside, which I was both thankful and hesitant about. The last thing I wanted was to be inside the packed, noisy building, but too much quiet only emphasized the practically silent air between Amaranth and I. A large part of me continued to struggle with the newly discovered realization that I could accept my feelings for him, and Amaranth's initial joy at being around me again wore off to show that he didn't know what to say or even where to begin either. We handled a few basic sentences, but it got to the point where there mere half-minutes between those sentences stretched out for eternity. I tried to eat faster, but it was as if there was no end to my meal.
Blessedly, things got easier where I made unanticipated eye contact with Amaranth. The swirling sunset begged to be looked at, but when I turned my head I saw that Amaranth had something else he found mesmerizing. Instead of tearing his eyes away like he would normally do, another tiny smile graced his lips. I swore the temperature randomly increased when he did. My body ached with a warmth that made the crisp, autumn air feel more like summer. In truth, I found it remarkable that such a tiny thing like a smile could elicit such a massive response to my entire person.
"So, this is pretty good," Amaranth spoke, twirling his spaghetti with his fork, "But, I think I like your recipe better."
"Nice try," I teased, feeling safer to stay away from serious conversation, "The chefs here are actual chefs. Anything they do is going to be made more professionally than what I can whip up."
"It's not about how professionally it's made- the fancy equipment and techniques and whatnot. It does just come down to taste. This," Amaranth twirled the spaghetti again, "It's good, but it feels like they're trying too hard. It's like they're assuming that stuffing as many ingredients into as possible will give it that 'gourmet' feel when it's really creating a mess. You on the other hand, have a distinct talent for bringing out the natural flavor in food and emphasizing without going overboard. That's why I like your cooking better."
"It's just pasta." I mumbled, embarrassment levels rising high again.
"It's good pasta."
I stared hard at my plate. It wasn't only my embarrassment that was growing, but my guilt as well. Amaranth, like his typical self, was being far too nice. His mind was clearly set firmly in the present, but it was difficult for me to think about anything other than our last encounter.
"I'm sorry." I practically whispered when the burden in my chest weighed too heavily.
"Pardon?"
"I'm sorry. It doesn't feel right acting like this when I haven't even apologized yet."
Amaranth's head was tilted slightly in confusion when I meekly glanced his way.
"I don't hate you." I said softly.
That caused Amaranth to nod a few times and let out the tiniest of laughs in amusement.
"I had a feeling that you didn't. I appreciate you saying so though."
"I feel so horrible about it all, especially what Al did. That was too much."
"There's no reason for you to feel horrible, especially for what Al did," Amaranth emphasized, instantly more serious, "It wasn't just me kissing you and you crying that set him off. After he found me and gave me a deserved punch or two, I might have said some stuff to him that pushed him when didn't need to be pushed."
"What did you say?" I questioned with quiet curiosity.
"Stuff that probably could have been left until later. Hard truths he didn't want to hear, a few of them being about the situation with you two and your relationship." Amaranth answered with a shrug.
I had been timid about bringing up the topic, but I was glad that I did in the end. That particular conversation didn't last longer, but it was a relief to know that Amaranth had practically begged for Allium to hit him. It did take away a lot of the guilt I felt about getting Amaranth beat up when he didn't deserve it. The lightening of my chest allowed me to feel more comfortable with the 'date'. Amaranth and I talked easier, and when dinner was done we decided to keep our time together going for a while longer. Stuffed from our meal, we agreed on a walk to help burn off the calories.
"It sure has gotten dark so fast. It's not even seven yet." I complained lightly as the sun continued to slip below the horizon to morph the bright yellows and pinks of sunset into the blues and purples of the coming night.
"Winter is almost here. I wouldn't be surprised if it's snowing by this time next week." Amaranth supposed lightheartedly.
"Oh, don't even say that." I cringed with dread.
"Sounds like you would prefer to live somewhere without winter."
"If I didn't happen to love Berrybrook so much, I would move to a place like Shiny Sands again in a heartbeat. The less cold and snow, the less I get sick."
"You've done well these past winters though. You haven't even had to go to the hospital, save for that one mishap at Wonder Light." Amaranth pointed out.
"I know, but it's only a matter of time."
Amaranth and I talked without stopping until the sun slept and the stars were awake in all their glory. With both our feet aching somewhat, we took a break on a comfy seat of grass as our gaze turned skywards as it had countless times over the years.
"Desal will be rather high in the sky at this time of the year, right?" I asked, searching the heavens above.
"We'd have a perfect view of it from right here- if we had a telescope." Amaranth confirmed.
"I'm surprised you don't just carry one around with you all the time," I joked, "You know, I've never thought to ask, but was there anything in particular that got you so into astronomy?"
"It was mom and dad, actually," Amaranth revealed, grinning when I became perplexed, "Of course I didn't understand what death was when Blaze first told me what had happened to them when I asked where they were. So, like many other adults, he told me they had gone up into the heavens to live amongst the stars. I got it into my head that if I studied and searched the stars deeply enough that I could find them, and then they could come back. By the time I realized that would never happen, I had come to love what I had learned, all the stories and legends and the great vastness of it all, that I saw no point giving my research up. In the end, I think I'm still searching for something. Don't ask me what that something is though."
"No, I get what you mean. The sky up above remains such a mystery, but if you stare long enough you feel like you understand everything just a little bit more."
"Didn't I say something like that you to before?" Amaranth wondered with a chuckle.
"Most likely," I laughed, "You have influenced me massively over the years."
"I think 'brain-washed' would be a better phrase to use."
"Could be." I laughed again.
Amaranth's smile grew wider as his head remained tilted up. However, I found my stare being pulled downwards. It was impossibly hard not to reach and place my hand on Amaranth's, which was so temptingly close.
Blessedly, I didn't have to resist anymore after that. Thick clouds rolled in to block the stars. The area around us drenched in pitch blackness, the two of us got up to head back towards streets lit up by the buzzing glow of streetlamps. Maneuvering about in the initial darkness was what had Amaranth reaching for my hand. The relief from stinging desire was what kept it there. That was the reason for me to keep my fingers intertwined with his anyway. As we strolled leisurely, talking and having no true destination, I remarked at the difference between the current moment and that winter day months and months and months ago. So many questioned and concerns had been fluttering through my mind then. Now, there were no concerns. There were no questions. I wanted to hold Amaranth's hand and never let go, so I did. His grip was protective, guiding, comforting, and most importantly, loving. For those minutes that passed as we walked, nothing felt as right as being with Amaranth did.
Unfortunately, the feeling didn't last. The lights grew dimmer behind us as we moved to a quieter area. One we were both familiar with. Another smile found its way onto Amaranth's face as he led us across the street.
"Been a while since we've been to the maze." he stated reminiscently.
"More like a lifetime ago." I agreed, remarking on how much had changed in such a relatively short amount of time.
"Isn't it weird how that works? Vast quantities can pass in the blink of an eye, but then a few months can never seem to end."
"Makes me feel a bit more sympathetic towards Eden. Sometimes it feels like I've lived a whole, long life, so when he complains about how old he's getting I can't imagine how much more intense the sensation is."
"I hear you. Blaze is the same way- constantly moaning about how he's closer to 40 than he is 30. Him, Eden, and Ms. Charm are all that way now."
"Oh God, that is true, isn't it?" I realized with light horror, "Eden has always just seemed like Eden. Like he's always been the same, and he'll always be the same. I don't like imagining him getting old at all."
Amaranth made some witty comment about Eden thinking the same about me, but I was barely listening. My mood shifted from being light and cheerful to something more serious once again.
"It makes what he tells me all that time that much more meaningful." I said softly, almost somberly.
"What does he tell you?" Amaranth wondered gently.
His hand slid back into mine, and seconds later we were closer than ever before. Inch by inch, Amaranth pulled a willing me closer until we were pressing against one another. In the far distance there were signs of life, but where we were there was merely him, me, and the quiet of the city night.
"Just the basic life advice that anyone who is older will tell to someone who is younger. Don't let your life pass you by. Grab advantages while they're in front of you. Go after what you want before you lose your chance."
"It's good advice."
"Mhmm." I nodded slowly.
Amaranth's arms wrapped tighter around my waist. His breath tickled my skin as we drew even closer. His expression lit up like it shined with its own light when I reached up to place my hand against his cheek. Awe overtook me. It was one of those moments where it sinks in that the person in front of you is actually another person. Amaranth has his own thoughts and feelings, his own consciousness, and his own view that was entirely different from what I saw through my eyes. There was this whole other existence staring at me as if I was the most beloved thing he had ever known in his life. It was an exhilarating, somewhat scarily startling, realization to have.
Then, instantly, it was as if someone flipped a switch. The emotions swirling around in my chest, elated and at peace, sunk to the deepest, coldest depths imaginable. I had forgotten what I wasn't allowed to forget. The cruelty of who I really was.
"Meadow?" Amaranth frowned when I suddenly jerked back.
He was quick to let go when I pulled away even further.
"Sorry. We...can't be like this," I murmured, "We should both just go home."
"Any particular reason as to why?" Amaranth wondered with concerned curiosity.
My words caught in my throat. The desire to tell him everything was as strong as my desire for him, but there was no way I could tell him anything. I was forced to shake my head and take another step back when Amaranth reached for me.
"This is about your big secret again, isn't it?" he guessed correctly, "Meadow, I mean it. You don't have to worry about telling me. I was being honest when I said letting me know what's going on will allow me to help you. I'm not afraid of the danger or consequences."
I shook my head more vigorously. Burning fear of what could be my future overcame me, and old instincts of running from what I didn't want to face took hold when Amaranth reached to comfort me a second time. I bolted into the maze to hide like I had done so often when I was with The Company.
"Meadow!" Amaranth cried futilely after me in exasperation, "Oh, come on! You know I have a hard enough time getting around in there when I can actually see where I'm going!"
I had already ducked down the second I reached the first turn. Amaranth hastily followed, but with my expert knowledge of the maze I could have gone through it once and then back again with my eyes closed before he could make it through the first half. I knew which turns and routes to take to reach the secluded dead ends. My soft shoes had me padding soundlessly while Amaranth fumbled around noisily. The severe lack of light made the already dizzying twists and openings impossible to discern for him. That my green blended in so perfectly with the maze around me hindered him further. I ignored Amaranth's calls as I took a seat in the best hiding spot I could think of in the complicated center of hedges.
I don't know why I thought letting the date continue past dinner had been a good idea. The whole evening had been nothing but a painful reminder of what was being denied to me. I just wanted to be a normal girl. I just wanted to date the guy I liked. I had told Amaranth those words, but his own response that I was not a normal girl haunted me. I could only ever play the part of a normal girl. There was no way I could date Amaranth. Every inch of me craved it. Craved him. I wanted to believe him when he said he could help, but how could he? What else could he do but hold me and tell me that things would be alright? All it would lead to was more of that hated false hope and those crippling overly-optimistic promises before both our hearts got broken.
Too absorbed in my wallowing, I didn't notice Amaranth accidentally stumbling upon me until it was too late. The scene was almost comical with the way I jumped up and how he gave chase. Ducking down slowed me, so I dashed with all my might in order to eat least put enough distance between us for him to get confused again. Then I could sneak out of the maze entirely and get a taxi or something before he realized I was gone. That is most likely how it would have gone down had Amaranth decided to play by the rules of the maze. As it was, the second he realized I had separated from him he nimbly leapt over the hedge in his way to snatch my wrist.
"This is ridiculous," he remarked as he held me in place, "You running around in here, and this fear you have. You don't have to be afraid."
"Let me go." I demanded, my voice suddenly cracking and wavering as a warning that tears weren't far off.
Amaranth hesitated, the expression on his face as stiff as stone, but his fingers slowly loosened their grip until they lightly lifted themselves away.
There was no point trying to run. Amaranth was poised to launch himself after me if I thought about doing so, but even if I thought I could get away again I was wholly unable to move. The despair plaguing my chest dragged the rest of me down with it. My body weighed a thousand tons. I could barely even lift my arms to bury my face in my hands as my tears poured forth without shame. Holding them back was useless no matter how much I wished I could.
"Meadow." Amaranth said softly, placing a hand on my shoulder.
"I'm sorry," I squeaked out, "You have no idea how much I want to...I-it's not that I...don't want to be with you, but I can't. I can't get you tangled up in my mess."
"Maybe I'm already tangled up in your mess."
The way he spoke, almost with absolute confidence, forced me to peek at him through my fingers. It was then that his voice stuttered somewhat and he appeared a little nervous.
"A-Al said we're a part of whatever is going on just by knowing you. If being around you is a danger like what he said based on what you told him, then I don't see how us being together would make things that much worse for me than they are now. Even as just friends there have been times where months went by where we saw each other daily. Do you honestly, genuinely believe that this 'they' will care that much more about me just because you and me like sticking our tongues in each other's mouths?" Amaranth asked so earnestly that I couldn't help but to laugh pitifully through my sobs.
A brief smile tilted Amaranth's lips, but it quickly vanished when my fleeting amusement turned back into soft crying. Flinching lightly when he stepped closer, I sank into his embrace when he gathered me in his arms. That alone struck my resolve down by half. Amaranth's hold had been comforting to me for far too many years for me to reject the safety it presented now. My hitched breathing calmed, and my waterworks slowed to a tiny trickle.
"It's already going to be painful enough- what's going to happen," I spoke into his chest, "I'm preparing for the pain though. I'm not going to put you through it."
"Shouldn't I at least get the chance to know what I'll be up against before you make my decision for me?" Amaranth questioned gently but with determination.
"I told Al, and it was the main reason he broken up with me."
"I'm not Allium," Amaranth sighed quietly, "I'm me, and I've had the chance to watch you two from afar. I already know some of the situation, unlike him who had to take it in all at once. I've had the opportunity to consider the consequences and sort through my feelings with a clear head. To be honest, I've already made my choice. No matter how many times you tell me 'no', there's no denying the fact that I am in love with you and will be in love with you no matter what kind of pain lies ahead. I tried pretending that you were nothing to me once, and I hated myself afterwards."
Amaranth placed a finger under my chin and lifted my head. He gazed at me tenderly.
"I already told you that I'm not going to give up, didn't I? Not until I look in your eyes and don't see your love for me reflecting back, right? Until that day where I see that and face true heartbreak, I will stand right here and endure anything."
Silencing my sniffles, I wiped my cheeks dry. There it was again. False hope and overly-optimistic promises. However, the longer Amaranth's stare remained connected with mine, the more honest his words become. False hope became real, and his promises grew into something I could believe in. I dared to have a shaking, shifting faith for one moment, and the change was not lost on Amaranth. He cupped my cheeks in his hands, and the crisp, autumn air ceased to be a problem as a glowing warmth spread over my skin.
"You don't have to give me an answer right here and now as to whether we will date. Allium might be fine already, but it's understandable that you will need more time. I don't want to pressure you. I don't think this is the moment where we should be making any big decisions anyway," Amaranth admitted, "However, maybe we could start off small? Why don't you trust me with what you told Allium? He's already accidentally revealed half of it to me. Let me give you my answer to that. Let's see how or if that changes anything for you, and we can work from there."
Hesitating, Amaranth and I locked eyes for eternity. It was his will battling against mine, and I was fighting for a lost cause to begin with having those red gems encouraging me.
"There's some people after Eden and I," I began in a whisper, "Neither of us did anything wrong. They don't want to find us because we did something bad. They want to find us because of who I am. Eden and I were gone for those two weeks because we were hiding from them when they got close. If they had found us, well, none of you would have ever seen or heard from me again. That's still a reality of that happening. It's a strong reality too, because it won't just happen because of them. Eden and I can't hide forever. Our time is running out. We only have a couple months left, and, once they're up, we'll have to take off like we did in those two weeks. I can only return or contact anyone if we can get them off our backs, but that doesn't seem likely at this point..."
My cheeks burned as I trailed off. I timidly glanced around as I half expected Ms. Yellow or even just anyone else standing around listening to my words. The quietness of the night persisted as it remained just Amaranth and me as far as the eye could see. I loathed that quiet as it continued on. It grew more difficult to look at Amaranth. His expression hadn't changed, but I could see thoughts buzzing around madly in his head. I cringed again, but was mildly surprised when he spoke.
"Is that what's been making you so afraid? You disappearing?" he wondered.
"I hate it more than the idea of being trapped now," I confirmed with a sad nod, "Being confined, it's horrible, but what's worse is being forever separated from what I care about. It's better to freeze for eternity than know the warmth of a fire then have it fade. Better to be ignorant and know nothing than experience the world before never seeing it again. Than knowing love only to lose it."
I placed my hand against his cheek again for a brief moment, fighting back the wetness in my eyes once more. My stomach churned with nerves and expectation as I watched Amaranth try to make sense of it all.
"That does sound horrible. Loving, but having that love stolen from you. It sounds like one of those situations where maybe it is best to let go before you're dealt a great hurt." he mused softly.
I nodded, holding my breath and terrified of the doubt in his voice.
"You're telling me that there is this strong chance of you vanishing for good?" he questioned.
I nodded again. A tinier, more miserable one. Another frown was on his face. His stare was cast sideways at the ground. His grip on me was loosening. I took a deep breath and told myself the lie that it was for the best if he turned away in this moment. I braced for the worst, and I'm sure my expression went flat when Amaranth suddenly chuckled. He tightened his hold, stared at me with glimmering eyes, beamed a brilliant smile, and spoke with honest, open, and slightly amused conviction that swept my breath away.
"Well, if you disappear..." he started with surety, with the strength of heartfelt promise, "Then I'm just going to have to come find you, aren't I?"
Amaranth laughed louder when I couldn't answer. Only stare in stunned amazement. I don't think I fully realized the intensity of how Amaranth's words changed me until the next morning, but I understood in those seconds that my resolve was all but gone. I did believe Amaranth. I knew that I could trust him. I knew that he would find me.
My fear subsiding, a smile spreading across my lips banished the last throngs of tears lurking and seeking their chance to attack. I wanted to jump around and shout out my relief, but Amaranth tilted my chin again and lured it close. I could not shout, for he leaned in to give me the relief I more desperately wanted fulfilled. My chest soared and bounced around for me as I could succumb to what my heart craved with safety and without guilt. Amaranth and I would talk with seriousness about consequences and repercussions in the days to come, but, in the end, I knew I would take the risk to love and lose than shut myself off from the most wonderful happiness I had ever had.
I wish I could just list a bunch of gifs in this comment because I don't know how to put my feelings into words.
ReplyDeleteThe closest I can get to something that makes sense is:
*INTERNALLY SCREAMING*
I'M HAPPY AND HORRIFIED AT THE SAME TIME AND THERE'S NO WAY THIS WILL END WELL BUT I WANT IT TO.
Thursday update plz. Plz.
That was very sweet and noble of Allium to set them up on the date like that!!
ReplyDeleteIt is about time that someone kicked their backsides into action!!
Amaranth look so smart!!
I think Am actually made me feel better about her having to do a disappearing act -
I think I believe him when he says he will find her.
I can not help but keep noticing the white clothes that Meadow is wearing - they bug me - like she is trying to drop a hint.
Well that happened... I'm still a tad on the fence about Am and Meadow. I think after reading that I'm leaning more towards yes though. It's amazing what you can do. When I look back at my earlier comments, I wanted Am and Meadow, I hated Sap and Meadow, I didn't like Al and Meadow, and thought you should change it asap, I liked Al and Meadow, I was going to kill Am, I ship Am and Meadow. How can you do this to me?!
ReplyDeleteCece- I agree, plz a Thursday post! Then again, my sister writes a blog and she says it's really hard to do, and I always want an extra post.
Julie- It never even occured to me to think of her white clothes as trying to drop a hint. It's Meadows favourite colour and (although we know why and no one else does), it's her way of staying in contact with herself
Cece- XD
ReplyDeleteAnd the ball is just going to keep rolling! It's going to be surprise after reveal after cliffhanger after this ;D
And, unfortunately, it's all gotta stick to the Monday schedule ^^
Nyrrat- I like pulling my readers along big time, that's why ;p Making everyone anxious, expectant, and never knowing what they want is the best! XD
Yeah, it's definitely a lot harder than it looks to blog consistently even just once a week. It's really like a mini part-time job. This update I didn't even finish until the last second. As soon as I got the final words out I posted it. Didn't even bother proofreading and editing mistakes until a few hours ago. I'm trying to get ahead of schedule again though. I got most of the pictures for next Monday's update taken, and I'm hoping to get the rest after my shower.
You two are actually on sort of the right track. Ethereal is mostly wearing white to hold on to a part of who her true self is, but someone is definitely attempting to drop a hint ;)