Together

I know my world is about to fall apart soon. Again.

The months have passed by at a terrifying speed. For the first time, I fully hated to see a child of mine grow older. If Ninnor's first birthday never came, then I wouldn't have to say goodbye to him, or him and Londuil. Nothing has been resolved between Eiji's family and I. I met with Mr. and Mrs. Hugh many times to try and show them I'm not the person they think I am. While their opinion of me doesn't seem as poor as it initially was, they're still resolute in making me choose. I can give Ninnor over willingly, or I can try to fight for both boys. Despite my best efforts to convince myself otherwise, I know I would lose the court battle. My choice firmly remains both Londuil and Ninnor, or just Ninnor, no matter how much the truth pains me.

Ninnor's birthday truly was bittersweet. My time has run out, but I can't help to feel joy that he has become such a beautiful toddler. Although Ninnor has my fair hair just like Londuil does, Ninnor has Eiji's eyes and looks much more like him. I love watching the two brothers play together. Unless something extreme happens, they will be the only two of my children born separately to be fully related. I hate the idea of them being separated just as much as I hate the idea of giving them away. They should be able to stay together no matter what.

I've been going ice skating everyday. It is best thing to do to keep my mind preoccupied. For hour after hour, I'll simply skate around in circles until the night grows late and I have no choice but to return home. I've begun to wonder recently why it seems like almost all the worst possible things happen to me in winter. I'm beginning to dread its arrival more with each passing year, because all I can wonder about is what bad event will come my way this time.

I don't think I've felt quite this horrible since Elrunamir's death, and I've taken to looking at the old prom photo of his more. If I stare at it long enough, it's almost as if I can hear comforting words in his voice echo within my mind. I know that it's just my brain replaying words he once spoke to me, but I like pretend that Elrunamir still can reach me even now. I wish I knew what he would tell me to do in this situation. I'm tired of being responsible. I'm tired of making all the choices, and dealing with their negative consequences.

For example, what if I were to give in and let Ninnor leave? He'll probably grow up to think that I don't love him because of it- that he was expendable because he was not a child born to help complete the task. I'm sure he'd be upset with me for not fighting for him.

I forced myself to be as cheerful as possible when Herindur's birthday came around. All of us spent a lot of time together that day, a lot more than we normally do. Pararil, Galaran, Herindur, and I knew this birthday would most likely be the last that we'll get to celebrate with all the brothers together. I was worrying quietly in my mind even as I talked to Herindur that night. He then told me it was his birthday wish that the brothers wouldn't have to be separated. His words struck something within my heart and mind. An idea came to me.

No.

It wasn't just an idea. I was having another one of my premonitions. It was coming to me now to tell me what the best solution for everyone would be. Oh, how I wish I could have ignored it though! I detest what the premonition wants me to do. I really, really don't want to go through with it. How could I? I can't imagine how Eiji and his parents would react, or what Londuil and Ninnor will think of me when they get older. I tried to toss away the premonition from my mind, but the more I attempted to throw it away the stronger it became.

I took a long bath before getting Londuil and Ninnor ready for bed. Since Ninnor was exhausted, I got him put to sleep right away. Londuil still had a bit of energy. I cuddled with him and read a couple books to him until he grew weary. I held him so tight before I put him in his crib. I didn't want to let him go. However, when he smiled up at me the premonition and the desire to do what is best for my children fit together like a lock and a key.

Though the idea of what I had to do was still awful, I now knew that I needed to go through with it no matter what. I kissed Londuil one more time before I got into bed myself. I was amazed that I managed to fall asleep despite the fact that I knew my heart would be broken tomorrow.

As if to guarantee that the day was going to be horrible, I went to feed Lina after breakfast. I found out that she had followed Rica, and was now dead as well. With the older boys already at school and me needing to get Londuil and Ninnor ready for the day, I had to leave Lina's poor body just lying there.

I just finished getting Londuil and Ninnor ready when the dreaded knock on the door came. With a child in each arm, I went downstairs to let Eiji and Mr. and Mrs. Hugh inside. It can go easily without saying that none of us looked happy. It was silent between all of us for what felt like an eternity.

Finally, Eiji spoke and asked me what my choice was. I hesitated, but eventually I handed Ninnor to Eiji without saying a word. Ninnor went to his father eagerly with a big smile on his face. He couldn't have any idea how much a simple hand-off truly meant. Mr. and Mrs. Hugh let out silent sighs of relief that I only caught because of my excellent hearing. Eiji, however, only looked more saddened. He was the only one who had an inkling of how hard it was for me to be willing to let go of my children.

Mrs. Hugh then apologized. She admitted that she and her husband had indeed judged me too harshly at first, but I was still making the proper choice. Mr. Hugh tried to cheer me up by telling me that it's not like Ninnor will be disappearing forever. We'll be able to contact each other once he gets a bit older, and they'll bring him to visit when they can. I wasn't really listening to either of them. I was forcing my heart to be strong. Eiji wasn't making eye contact with me, and Mr. and Mrs. Hugh fell silent when they realized they weren't being heard. When Eiji finally met my gaze, his expression became confused. He was reading my expression that there was something more to all of this.

Still without saying a word, I handed Londuil over to Mr. Hugh. The three of them looked at me in stunned astonishment. Eiji, in disbelief, demanded to know what I was doing. I told him I was doing exactly what it looked like I was doing. Both Londuil and Ninnor will go to live with him. He wanted to know how I thought this could be right.

I explained that ever since I was young, I've gotten premonitions about the future. Sometimes they're actually clear predictions as to what will happen, but more often they're feelings, guidance, and warnings as to how I should proceed to certain events. My heart is telling me that Londuil and Ninnor need to be kept together no matter what- whether they're with me or with him. Since I don't have the option of keeping them with me, then the only solution left is for him to take both brothers.

I knew Eiji would try to convince me otherwise, but most surprisingly, his parents tried to as well. I stopped them before they could really say anything. I reminded them that they forced me to make a choice. Well, I had made it. Now they have to accept and honor it. I would send Londuil and Ninnor's things to Eiji's house by mail. Then I told them it would be best if they left right away. I had a dead bird to bury.

I left them there to go to Lina's cage. I heard Eiji trying to follow, but his parents pulled him back. There were fervent whispers for a while, and then the front door opened and closed and I knew the five of them had left. They departed just in time. I couldn't hold my tears back any longer.

When I finally managed to collect myself, I made my way back up to my room. Seeing Londuil and Ninnor's empty cribs and all of their things strewn about the room was torture. I quickly moved into the bathroom and got the tub full of hot water and bubbles. I stayed in there for hours. Each time the water grew tepid, I replaced it with warmer water. When the maid knocked on the door and asked if there was anything in there that needed to be cleaned, I told her to not even bother.

It was only when I heard Pararil, Galaran, and Herindur returned from school that I knew I needed to get out. I got dressed, and when I peaked in the dining room to see what they were doing, they were all working on their homework diligently. I could tell they were being on their best behavior since they could sense the separation day had come.

I waited until they were done with their work before I approached them. Galaran instantly asked if I had given Ninnor away. Yes, I said. And Londuil as well. None of them could believe me, and I explained my reasoning as best I could. Galaran and Herindur became really quiet, but Pararil yelled at me.

I let him yell without putting up a fight or reprimanding him. I knew I needed to let him shout out the frustration that came from the sad news that both his little brothers were now gone. Since he's the oldest brother, and de facto male support for our family, I'm sure he feels utterly terrible because there was nothing he could do to keep all of us together. I wish I could have told Pararil, Galaran, and Herindur about my choice sooner, but my decision had been made so last second. Besides, I knew they wouldn't have let me go through with it had they known beforehand.

Galaran and Herindur tried to calm Pararil down, but I let them know what he was doing was alright with me. For some reason, it actually felt good to be reprimanded.

Pararil did settle down eventually. He went up to his room to sulk while the rest of us had a quiet dinner. Galaran and Herindur went their own way, and I went outside to sit on the swing set Eiji and my sons built together. I still can't believe the feeling of family we had was so easily broken. Maybe this is another one of the Goddess' punishments. I was being too selfish and lost sight of the task, and now I've painfully lost the source of the distraction. Then, despite how much I love them, I only have three teenage boys with graduation looming for each of them and no younger children to fill in the gap.

I nearly jumped when I heard shuffling behind me. Mr. Zeiss had once again appeared from nowhere. Until now, I've forgotten about him and his rather creepy actions. Honestly though, I didn't even care at that point. I welcomed his company. He sat down next to me, and neither of us said anything for a while. When he finally did ask what was on my mind, I told him that I wished there was someway I could have children without needing a man to contribute. I didn't give Mr. Zeiss too much information of my reality, but my words would be enough to discern that most of the relationships I try to have with men only end up badly.

Mr. Zeiss astounded me by revealing there was a way to become pregnant without having to deal with having a relationship with a man. Men can donate their sperm for money, and women can then use that sperm to impregnate themselves without having to go through the whole intimate act. I wish I could have known about such a thing sooner! Imagine how different things would be if I had been using such a process from the start.

I thanked Mr. Zeiss. He kind of chuckled and said he's never been the most useful or well liked person, but he was glad he could offer some kind of support to me. He had been taking a walk, and when he saw me looking so down, he couldn't just leave me alone in that state. I let him know I appreciated his concern, but once again reinforced the idea to him that to scare me less he should come visit the normal way- by using the front door. Mr. Zeiss laughed then and said he'll do what he can.

I went to the hospital the very next morning to find out more about the process Mr. Zeiss told me about. So desperate to have a child to hold after losing Londuil and Ninnor, and wanting one that would be all mine whom no one could take away, I opted to be impregnated that same day.

It was strange to be alone in the house and to have so much free time to do whatever I wanted. After I brushed Nari and took her out for a bit, I sat down at the desk to begin writing again. I gave up on it a while ago after scrapping the novel I knew I would never finish. Now I started on a book for children. I decided it would be a great idea to write many of them. I could send them to Eiji, and he could read them to Londuil and Ninnor.

That way, even if I can't be with my sons physically, I can teach and play with them in some manner. By writing these books, I can still keep us all together in our hearts.