This was my second time playing this game. The one where I looked down at the wood chips to find matching or similar ones. I wasn't having the best of luck given that I couldn't move from my position on the swing in addition to me having to actively participate in a conversation. I probably should have been focusing more on that second thing anyway, but I had had a lot of trouble concentrating recently.
"When we got to the market, mom got really mad at me. I couldn't help myself. Everything was so colorful. All I wanted to do was take pictures. Mom kept on complaining that it felt like she was spending her vacation talking to a camera. She finally took it away from me after another half hour." Rosemary spoke cheerfully.
"I would do so too." I responded.
Then I faded my attention out again. Rosemary had been going on for a while about the vacation she and Aunt Deny had just gotten back from. They had gone to a country overseas known for its flavorful food, rich and colorful scenery, and energetic culture. I had been jealous when Rosemary initially told me about the trip, but now I was content to ignore every now and again what my cousin was telling me. It didn't exactly work out in my favor.
"After we bought this dragon egg that later went on to hatch in the fire we had in our hotel room, mom and I ended up participating in a local magic show where a spell went wrong granted mom the ability to fly. I rode on her back instead of us taking a plane home."
"That's pretty cool."
I could have gotten away with my inattentiveness had I injected some heavy sarcasm in that comment, but I spoke it too normally- as if I actually believed what Rosemary spoke was true. Having been staring at the ground, my brows furrowed when the words sank in. The silence of Rosemary awaiting my reaction also helped me realize what just happened.
"Aww hell." I sighed at myself, having been caught.
Rosemary, thankfully, was nothing more than amused.
"The others have told me you've been distracted lately," she laughed loudly, "But I didn't think you were this bad."
"I haven't been distracted." I mumbled in a pout.
"Well, it's either that or you think my vacation stories are utterly boring."
"They're not boring," I reassured defensively before caving, "I...I have been distracted..."
"Is there a reason why that you want to tell me about?" Rosemary encouraged.
I opened and closed my mouth several times. There was some strong contemplation going on in my mind saying that I should tell her. The old, familiar need to talk bouncing around in my chest was determined to break out. However, I eventually shook my head.
"Maybe later."
Rosemary blessedly accepted the denial with grace, but she had long been good at reading me. She understood I wasn't ready to speak my thoughts yet and knew when to grant me space. I might have gone ahead and told her if we had been somewhere else. And alone. Yeah, I'm sure that my tongue would have come loose in an instant if the rest of our friends hadn't been nearby. Midas, Azure, Holly, Mimosa, Rosemary, and I were hanging out at the empty playground behind the elementary school in the city. It was nice to go back to those nostalgic times for a bit. It truly did feel as if we were all kids when Rosemary and I watched Holly and Mimosa go down the slide together over and over again as we swung back and forth properly now.
The six of us, like back in the old days, constantly switched up what we were doing. I took a break from swinging as the old chains were rubbing my hands the wrong way. Holly grew bored with sliding, so Mimosa and I naturally gravitated towards each other. I would go on to find as we talked that the world had a way of steadily loosening my tongue.
"I kinda want to tell you something, but I don't want you to get mad at me." Mimosa randomly changed the topic after a brief moment of silence.
"Did you do something wrong?" I wondered.
"Not...really. It was just something you might not like."
"Well, go ahead and tell me. I promise to keep an open mind." I affirmed.
"Mom asked me to pick up some little tortes from this bakery she likes in the city. When I was walking back to the car, I went past the fairy park. I saw that fairy man again, and we talked for a moment," she explained hesitantly, "You, mom, and dad all told me to stay away from him, but he's been nothing but nice. He let me go on my way without any problems. He's been very understanding of why I told him I couldn't play with him anymore, but I feel like I have to say that I really don't think he's a bad person."
"And that might very well be true," I had to say, "We simply wanted to be on the safe side, because there are bad people out there that spoil it for those who don't have any wrong intentions."
"I know." Mimosa nodded.
"Was there a certain reason you wanted to tell me you saw him again?" I asked curiously.
"I wanted to tell someone because it felt like I was keeping a secret I shouldn't, but I also...how about we go up in the jungle gym?" she suggested.
"Okay?" I agreed in slight confusion.
I figured Mimosa had more she wanted to tell me. A bigger, more burdensome secret she needed to get off her chest. I hoped it wasn't anything too terrible as I settled myself on the upper platform of the jungle gym. The shade was nice, and it was relaxing to be able to rest my back against the railing. Being comfortable had me dropping my guard, which is why Mimosa's next statement jolted my heart even if I didn't let that show on my expression.
"I told you about the fairy man because I was thinking me telling you a secret would encourage you to tell me the one you've been bothered with these past weeks."
"Is that why you brought me up here where we're further away from everyone and no one can hear us?" I reasoned.
"Yup."
"A good technique," I chuckled with a light nod, "Between you and Mary asking, as well as everyone making a passing comment about it everyday, I almost feel compelled to say something."
Mimosa looked at me expectantly, and her eager enthusiasm to be of help had me smiling. We had finally returned to our normal friendly relationship after so long of things being awkward. However, there was no way I could tell her about my problem. It was for our both our benefit that I didn't. I just knew Mimosa would throw a fit if she found out about the action that initiated my dilemma.
My thoughts were starting to bubble up in my mind past what I could control though, so I settled for a compromise.
"I can't say everything, but I suppose I can give you the basic premise of what's wrong. There is one certain thing I did several times a few weeks back, and it influenced another person. I don't regret what happened. I don't want to change the choice I made. Still, as these weeks have gone by I've found that there's a big difference between what I believed I would feel in the aftermath versus what I actually feel. I'm afraid that difference will end up causing some friction with this other person involved." I explained as simply and non-specifically as possible.
I was glad I was dealing with Mimosa in this moment. Even with me doing my best to not dive in to what actually happened, I feel like anyone else could work out or at least grow suspicious about what I was truly talking about. Mimosa, on the other hand, had a difficult time not taking things at face value. That could cause problems sometimes, but in this situation it allowed her to try to genuinely help me without making it all a focus on pestering me to reveal the whole truth.
"Is there an option to talk to this other person about the difference? Or will that just make him or her upset?"
"Most likely."
"And what will not talking to him or her do?"
"Probably lead to a similar result, unless he or she happens to be very understanding." I scoffed.
I frowned before sighing.
"I was going to talk to this person at first, because that's what I've been taught to do in these situations. Be honest. I can't help if I feel a certain way, and letting them know that even if it hurts them is better than letting them believe in a lie. That's obvious. However, I guess the other big issue is that I'm not sure of what I feel yet. I don't understand why I'm feeling what I am, and maybe my whole outlook can shift to how I expected it would be if I try to ride things out a bit longer."
"So I guess you have to see if you can answer why your emotions are a certain way as well as how likely they are to change." Mimosa reasoned.
"I have no idea how to figure out either though. That's what I've been driving myself crazy over these past weeks, and it's gotten me nowhere."
"Is there anyone else besides this person involved who might be able to give you some answers?"
"Maybe," I shrugged, "But...I don't really want to tell anyone what happened because it's embarrassing. Not because of what I did, but because of others getting to know what I did."
Mimosa got a smirk on her face I didn't like.
"I'm trying not to pry here, but you're making me very curious, Coal," she said merrily, "It's rare to have you keeping something so secretive."
"Exactly why I'm doing my best to keep this quiet. Everyone's growing suspicious enough without me throwing these little hints around."
Our conversation was cut short by Holly calling for her sister. I planned to stay on the jungle gym to sulk for a few moments more, but Mimosa couldn't leave before sitting on the edge of the hole and patting my cheek before she slid down the pole.
"Cheer up, Coal. There's no need to be gloomy. You always figure things out and do what's best in the end. I'm sure you and this other person will be fine." she comforted.
"Yeah." I agreed uncertainly.
Mimosa smiled, ruffled my hair, and then was gone. I rested my palm on my cheek and mulled my thoughts together. I attempted to cheer myself up by repeating how Mimosa and I had come back together after that time of tension. However, we had only gone on one date where I was half sure of the result even before going into it. Candy and I though...
I got a break from my worries for a while. Holly was calling everyone together because she wanted to get a game of soccer going. The match rapidly boiled down to Midas and I on one team facing off against Azure and Rosemary. Holly had been on their team since Midas and I were the better soccer players, but Holly rolled her ankle less than a minute after we started. She joined Mimosa, who refused to play and was the referee instead. It was a weird game what with it being two-on-two, but I think things worked out well. They worked out well for Midas and I anyway.
"And that's goal number six!" Midas cheered when Azure failed spectacularly at stopping the ball from going into the net yet again.
"I can walk instead of run to give you two a sporting chance. Heck, I can even sit out for a bit. You might be able to get one goal then." I taunted our opponents.
"Stuff it, Vivid!" Azure, picking grass off his arm, barked.
"I don't know. It sounds like a good idea to me." Rosemary said.
"Seriously?" Azure frowned.
"Hey, I'm the one doing all the running and work!" Rosemary pointed out, "All you're doing is standing at the goal, and you're not even doing a halfway decent job of blocking it."
"Ahh, shut up."
He did switch things up after that and help Rosemary dribble the ball. The change in strategy got them two goals, but Midas and I naturally still won the victory that we assured ourselves.
He and I could have gone on with the match for much longer, but for whatever reason Azure and Rosemary were eager to end it. Having gotten riled up and a bit warm from the running, I paired up with Holly. She and I walked around the playground chatting about nonsense. Until...
"So, random question here," Holly began after a long pause, "You got any interest in letting me in on what's been bothering you?"
"Have the three of you planned this?" I instantly burst out laughing.
"Have what three of us planned what?" Holly questioned back in confusion.
"First Mary asked me about my problem, Mimosa asked me next, and now you're wanting to talk to me about it. Is it Midas' turn next? Was coming out to this playground nothing more than an intervention to whittle me down into revealing everything?" I jokingly put the pieces together.
"No. Nothing like that. I didn't know Mimi and Mary spoke to you already too. This is just the first moment I had to speak to you alone today, and I wanted to see if I could help you out." Holly shrugged.
The smile I wore immediately slipped off my expression. Something about the way she said that, something about the way she moved and glanced towards the ground- it was all horribly sad. Disappointed and dejected.
"You alright?" I wondered in concern.
"I'm fine," Holly reassured, but the smile she forced wasn't a happy one, "It's just...well, maybe it's silly, but I'm always thinking back to that one argument we had. Back when we were kids at the park, and you were yelling at the rest of us about how we were ignoring the hurt you held and not doing anything about it because we couldn't face its unpleasantness. I still feel bad about what I said, and I can recall so easily how useless I felt when you started to cry. I had no idea what to do. I just let everyone else take charge while I followed along."
With a heavy sigh, she transfixed her stare on the concrete and fiddled her fingers timidly.
"I became determined after that day to help you however I could. To be there when you needed me. But, you never come to me. You always talk to Mimosa or Mary, and by the time I hear about things you already have it figured out. I'm not trying to put the blame on you. I'm really not. I simply can't help but wonder if maybe I've done something to make you not trust me as much. I know I've bullied and teased you a lot more than the other two have..."
"Holly, no, that...that's not it at all," I countered right away, lightly horrified, "I trust you just fine. Maybe somehow I do instinctively end up getting advice from Mimosa and Mary more often, but you're the one I've told the actual truth to the most. They get the problem. You get the honesty, and that's specifically because I have full belief that you won't go blabbing anything."
Holly looked up at me hopefully, and when a tiny, sheepish expression appeared on her face I ruffled her hair much like Mimosa had done to me.
"I'll tell you everything eventually. I just need more time to sort everything out first by myself. That sort of thing." I promised.
"Right," Holly nodded, speaking softly, "I seriously should have known that. Sorry for being silly."
"There's no need for that. I want you to be able to talk to me too." I pointed out.
"Right." Holly repeated, chuckling lightly.
Time to sort through my thoughts and feelings without everyone interfering never came. I kept on being approached how Rosemary, Mimosa, and Holly approached me that day by this person and that person and that person over there too. Even on days where I thought I would be safe there was no escaping the curiosity. For example, I went over to Azure's aunt's house, and Cattleya tried to get the truth out of me as well. The worst prodding, however, came from my own family.
"Is that Candy?" mom asked me one day as I stood texting next to her while we made cheesesteaks outside on the grill.
"No, I'm talking to Desi."
"Oh," mom said, and the disappointment was apparent, "You know, you two haven't been hanging out much anymore."
"That's because she went down with Pris to Tinseltown."
"Candy, you goof," mom corrected, and she gave me a look because she knew that I knew she hadn't been talking about my sister, "You should text Candy to see if she wants to come over for dinner tonight. She can even bring her parents if she wants."
"Okay." I agreed.
I said that, but my fingers were heavy against the screen. It took me twice as long to get the words I wanted because what I typed the first time was completely incomprehensible.
"She says her parents are out, and that she doesn't have money for the bus or a taxi." I relayed when I got an answer back.
"We can pick her up then."
"How? Uncle Blaze has your car, and Uncle Eden and Aunt Deny have dad's since theirs has a flat tire."
"I can give you the money for the bus or a taxi so you can go to her apartment to then bring her here." mom offered.
"Do you know how long that would take?" I instantly protested.
"Coal." mom said shortly.
"Fine," I sighed, and I sent another message Candy's way, "She says not to bother. It's too much trouble for me, and she already has a pizza on the way anyway."
"Alright then."
Mom definitely didn't sound pleased with me, but she let the matter drop. I can't say I wasn't relieved with the outcome from both sides.
Not that I was avoiding Candy. Not completely anyway, because I was avoiding her a little bit.
"Your sisters certainly know how to keep you busy." Candy spoke that one afternoon we did meet up.
It was getting closer towards the end of summer vacation, and I had gathered my courage to meet Candy at the Arboretum Park. I had brought one half of a picnic, and she had brought the other. The two of us relaxed near one of the fountains after eating.
"I'm sorry about that. My mom's been busy going down to visit her mom as much as she can since her health is decreasing rapidly, and Uncle Blaze has a bunch of stuff keeping him all over the place too. That leaves me as the only chaperone for Ceri and Glade and all their activities." I explained.
What I could never say, because it naturally made me feel like giant jerk, was that more often than not I stealthily prodded my sisters into participating in events around town or even straight up offering to take them places in order to have an excuse for why I couldn't go out.
"I know," Candy said sympathetically, linking my arm in her hands, "Your family always seems to be juggling a million issues, and I get that it's difficult not having your dad around to help. I totally get it."
"Thanks," I grinned, "But I do still feel sorry that we haven't had much time to meet up."
Candy shook her head before resting it against my shoulder and cuddling me closer.
Was I a total asshole? I felt like a total asshole. On one hand I wanted any reason I could get to never have to see Candy again, and on the other hand I was genuinely frustrated at not being able to see her more despite that largely being my fault. It wasn't like I hated hanging out with her. I loved hanging out with her. We talked easily as we always did. We laughed a lot like we normally did. I would wish that we wouldn't have to part, but then when she would lean in to kiss me or something I wished for it to be over as quickly as possible. But, then again, it wasn't that I hated the kissing either. I liked Candy kissing me. I wanted her to keep doing it. I wanted her to cuddle against me. I wanted the more we had had before. The problem was that something about it didn't feel right. There was something about us trying to be intimate in even the slightest way that screamed at me that it was all wrong.
"Maybe we can try to make it to that Cedar Thrills amusement park before summer ends?" Candy proposed when it was time for her to leave.
"We'll try. My schedule really is...all over the place." I gave the same kind of answer I had been given her a while now.
Candy nodded then, and that was when I could see more solemn emotions flittering about in her eyes. Disappointment, annoyance, sadness, and those kind of things. I wondered how many of them she was holding back, and hardly a month and a half ago we would have had no issue discussing the problem. Now it was a secret Candy was forced to keep.
Desperate to do anything to remedy the situation in any possible way, I initiated a kiss for the first time in a long time. Candy was rather startled by it than delighted, but she seemed more confident when she left the park to head home. I waved her goodbye and watched her go. Thankfully, it didn't take long before she was out of sight. A massive exhale left my lips, and my shoulders shrugged forward as Candy being gone took away my reason to keep up a happy face.
"Aaagghh! I don't know what to do! Someone just tell me what to do," I spoke to myself bitterly, "I'm trying not to be a bad person. I'm at a complete loss though. Nothing's improving when I hoped it would, and it won't be long before we're both absolutely miserable."
Of course, I anticipated no response. There was absolutely no one else around. That meant my heart got a great shock when movement behind me on my left caught my attention. It was like there was a rapid dash of pink light in the corner of my vision, and I swore there was some melodic tinkling sound coming from the same direction. However, there was nothing there when I whipped my head around.
"Seriously, I guess I'm going crazy. There's apparently too much pink in my life." I scoffed.
With another heaving exhale, I turned to go pack up my part of the picnicking supplies so I could head home.
I didn't consider myself exactly a religious type, although I wasn't against the idea of there being something after death, but what happened when I got home had me slightly pondering about the stranger forces in the universe. There I had stood begging for someone to tell me what to do, and as soon as I went up the stairs I spotted Uncle Blaze standing outside his room. It wasn't like he was standing there for fun. Uncle Blaze was waiting for someone. Me. He was waiting for me.
"Kid, come over here." he beckoned.
The first thing I assumed was that I was in trouble. Uncle Blaze was rarely serious like he was in that moment unless something bad had happened or someone needed a good lecture. I hesitated as I wondered what in the world I might have done wrong, but I complied and moved forward a second later.
It was weird going into Uncle Blaze's room. That was because I still saw it as Wisp's room, especially since Uncle Blaze had done nothing to change it around. Him moving a side table out of the way so he could set the two armchairs facing each other was the first time he'd so much as tilted one thing an inch in a different direction as far as I was aware.
"Sit." Uncle Blaze instructed me again.
I nervously sat. The mild shifting I did grew worse when he sat down across from me. The expression on Uncle Blaze's face was so bizarre, and that made me think that maybe I wasn't in trouble. The idea that some news about dad had finally come to light popped into my head. It definitely wouldn't be good news. I was sure it would be something like his long rotted corpse had been dug up in some farmer's field or whatever.
"You're almost eighteen, Coal," Uncle Blaze started whatever he clearly had to say, "You're already older than Am was when Ethereal became pregnant and he stepped up to help her. Since you're his son and very much like him, I know that means you've got an incredibly good head on your shoulders. You're competent at handling difficult things, and so I try not to step in unless I feel that you've somehow bitten off more than you can chew. This feels like one of those times."
"Huh?"
"Something's gone horribly wrong with you and Candy. I want you to tell me about it."
"Oh."
Pfft. There I had gone getting way ahead of myself. I was both relieved and disappointed we were doing nothing other than coming back to my disheveled not-a-relationship relationship.
Uncle Blaze scooted forward.
"I hope you know you can say anything to me and it will be in total confidence." he encouraged further.
"No, I know. And, I guess since I can't get through one day without someone trying to prompt the information out I might as well go ahead and just say it. Everyone was suspicious of something between me and Candy, and, no shock, we basically have been dating. We never saw a reason to make it official, and I can't really give an answer as to why. All I can say is that everything was perfectly fine. Then...and then..." I took a deep breath to force the words out, "And then we slept together."
"Really?" Uncle Blaze answered the instant my last syllable was out of my mouth.
There was nothing about the way he spoke that was shocked or disgusted, but he wasn't the type to get that way over news like this. I had to laugh because the almost cutesy, excited way he asked that question made it sound like I had admitted I was planning on proposing or something.
"Really," I confirmed, "The first time was that day I snuck out to meet her at the beach. I told everyone else when I got home that her friends had been there too, but they had actually all bailed. Candy purposely invited me to her home later on that afternoon because her parents were out on vacation, and eventually...y'know. It happened two more times after that."
"And how did it go?" Uncle Blaze continued in the same tone as before.
"Fine," I really had trouble not laughing, "I suppose I can say all three times even went well. The first time was a bit tricky though. Candy was very grabby at the beach and when we got started, but once things got going she froze up quite a bit. I took things slow until she got comfortable again, I eventually remembered some of the, uh, techniques you were so determined to describe to me back when you gave me all those lectures, and, um, yeah, we both had a good time. The second and third time there weren't any problems at all."
"Good, good. And I'm sure you were safe about it too?"
"Candy's on birth control anyway since she has horrible period cramps, but we used a condom each time regardless."
"Good." Uncle Blaze repeated once more, nodding in satisfaction.
He sank back in his chair and folded his arms. A laugh similar to mine escaped his lips.
"You're definitely your father's son in a lot of ways, but you're a lot different to him than he was to Coal. Which is kinda weird when you think about it, because you got to know Am whereas he didn't get to know Coal. You would think you two would be more similar than him and his father. Anyway, I'm going to tell you something you probably don't know and maybe don't want to know. Towards the beginning of Ethereal's pregnancy with Wisp once the nausea got under control, she became super crazy horny. It just happens. All that extra blood and whatnot. Ethereal, despite trying to be level-headed, was constantly getting on poor Am in a way she'd never done before. Am was incredibly skilled at remaining calm and not being persuaded."
"But I'm different in that way," I said, getting exactly where he was going, "If we put me in dad's position and Candy in mom's, even if we hadn't already slept together, I would have then."
"And there's nothing wrong with that," Uncle Blaze reassured, "You already know my stance on sex. As long as the people involved are consenting and respectful of each other, go the hell for it. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that you having sex and having these differences from your father is exactly what's causing your problems. If you could elaborate specifically on what's gone wrong since you and Candy got together, I think we can get to the root of this rather quickly."
"I...I guess I started to notice it actually right before we slept together that third time. I thought it was just because the novelty was wearing off, but I wasn't as nearly caught up in it as I was before. I enjoyed myself, but that deep, intense, I dunno what to call it...connection? Whatever that had been there between us was fading, and it's been fading ever since then. I like Candy kissing me and I like her holding onto me, but I can't get my heart beating fast around her anymore. I've stopped feeling nervous when she's around. I know that obviously means I'm not as into her as I was before, but I don't understand why. After sleeping with her, shouldn't my feelings have gotten stronger? Shouldn't I like her more now?"
The expression on my uncle's face returned returned to being serious. There was a reluctant, knowing glimmer in his eye, and I didn't like it one bit.
"If you were truly in love with Candy, you'd be right. You sleeping together would have most likely brought you much closer. However, you weren't in love with her. You were in lust with her," Uncle Blaze revealed, and he instantly continued to cover me up when I protested, "And I don't mean that in the sense that you were only using her for sex. At least not consciously, and therein lies the huge distinction between being a sleazy asshole and a boy growing into a man learning and identifying the continual surge of changes going on with his body. The awakening of your natural instincts to be attracted to a person, the jolt of their pleasant enticement, and your unfamiliarity with the differences between that simple attraction and what's real is the basis of what's led to this dilemma."
I earned a sympathetic smile from him at my pouting at the idea that what Uncle Blaze was saying could seriously be true. I had definitely fallen in love with Candy. Right? I couldn't be that shallow to have only fallen for her because I wanted to sleep with her, consciously or not. It sounded horrible to me either way.
"They say that each time a father hugs his child his libido decreases dramatically, and that the more children he has the less he craves sex. I'm sure there's real statistics out there for that, but I can back it up with my own personal experience- for it's exactly what happened to me once I became Coal and Desi's babysitter for Am. It's a natural situation, and what you're going through is natural too. You're a physically normal teenage boy, and so you've got the urge to reproduce. The urge to do the action that leads to reproduction anyway. You got what your body was really telling you that you wanted. You've 'hugged your child' so to speak. Now the promptings for it have faded away. I don't know how else to put it any other way."
I could tell he added that last sentence because of the remaining dismal expression on my face.
"No, I get what you're saying. It makes perfect sense," I reassured softly, "I think I just don't want to accept it as what's happening. I don't want it to be my hormonal changes or whatever making me think I loved Candy. I want to love her. I really like her."
That sad, sympathetic smile still on his face, Uncle Blaze reached forward to gently pet my hair.
"And I'm sure that you do love her- to some extent. That you're so conflicted helps prove that. I believe these past weeks have been you realizing those budding emotions are there, but also that they're not enough to sustain the kind of relationship you built up in your mind that you'd have. I think that's where growing up in this household and everyone comparing you to Am has made things difficult. Coal and Desi were as much of a high school sweetheart type couple as you could get. Am and Ethereal did a bit more experimenting, but they still got together in high school and remained together ever since. That's the kind of family you come from. If I had to guess, I would say that you were thinking that sort of outcome was on the cards for you as well. That you had found your first love, and she would be your true love."
"I...a little..."
Uncle Blaze kept petting my hair for several seconds more before he pulled back.
"So, like what was a more realistic expectation, you had a typical high school romance. The feelings came quickly, and they departed the same way. Now you have to figure out what you want to do from here."
"Can I ask you something then? Do you think there's a chance I could build up actual feelings for Candy? From how she's treated me, it looks like her attraction to me is more genuine than mine was to her. Maybe I could learn to love her properly now that the distraction of sex is out of the way?" I wondered.
"I wouldn't say it's impossible. Definitely not. I would reason it would be difficult though. And, this is where we come to the conclusion I was certain we would reach at some point- you would have to do a lot of talking and being honest with her. You two already need to have a long talk considering how much you've been avoiding her, and don't tell me you haven't been. I could tell that's what you were doing the instant you became so eager to drive Ceri and Glade everywhere."
"Fine." I mumbled quietly.
Silence persisted for a slightly uncomfortable long time. Uncle Blaze was wearing another strange expression, and I couldn't determine if he was waiting for me to say something more or if he was thinking. Whatever he originally intended, it turned out to be the latter.
"Coal, I hope you don't mind me saying it, but since you put the question out there I feel as if I have to give you my personal opinion in addition to giving you the advice I'm required to give you. I don't think it's impossible for you and Candy to get together for real, but I think it's highly unlikely. It's more guaranteed that Candy will find starting over from scratch not worth the effort or something like that."
"Yeah, probably." I agreed dismally.
"But, like I said, what needs to be done is to talk to her. Our family has lucked out so far in many aspects. You and Candy could very well prove me wrong, and I'd be happy to be wrong. Candy is a good girl."
"She is."
I was looked straight in the eye when Uncle Blaze leaned forward, as serious as he could possibly be.
"Promise me you'll talk to her soon then? Put the poor girl out of her misery by giving her some answers?"
"I'll talk to her." I nodded confidently.
"I kinda want to tell you something, but I don't want you to get mad at me." Mimosa randomly changed the topic after a brief moment of silence.
"Did you do something wrong?" I wondered.
"Not...really. It was just something you might not like."
"Well, go ahead and tell me. I promise to keep an open mind." I affirmed.
"Mom asked me to pick up some little tortes from this bakery she likes in the city. When I was walking back to the car, I went past the fairy park. I saw that fairy man again, and we talked for a moment," she explained hesitantly, "You, mom, and dad all told me to stay away from him, but he's been nothing but nice. He let me go on my way without any problems. He's been very understanding of why I told him I couldn't play with him anymore, but I feel like I have to say that I really don't think he's a bad person."
"And that might very well be true," I had to say, "We simply wanted to be on the safe side, because there are bad people out there that spoil it for those who don't have any wrong intentions."
"I know." Mimosa nodded.
"Was there a certain reason you wanted to tell me you saw him again?" I asked curiously.
"I wanted to tell someone because it felt like I was keeping a secret I shouldn't, but I also...how about we go up in the jungle gym?" she suggested.
"Okay?" I agreed in slight confusion.
I figured Mimosa had more she wanted to tell me. A bigger, more burdensome secret she needed to get off her chest. I hoped it wasn't anything too terrible as I settled myself on the upper platform of the jungle gym. The shade was nice, and it was relaxing to be able to rest my back against the railing. Being comfortable had me dropping my guard, which is why Mimosa's next statement jolted my heart even if I didn't let that show on my expression.
"I told you about the fairy man because I was thinking me telling you a secret would encourage you to tell me the one you've been bothered with these past weeks."
"Is that why you brought me up here where we're further away from everyone and no one can hear us?" I reasoned.
"Yup."
"A good technique," I chuckled with a light nod, "Between you and Mary asking, as well as everyone making a passing comment about it everyday, I almost feel compelled to say something."
Mimosa looked at me expectantly, and her eager enthusiasm to be of help had me smiling. We had finally returned to our normal friendly relationship after so long of things being awkward. However, there was no way I could tell her about my problem. It was for our both our benefit that I didn't. I just knew Mimosa would throw a fit if she found out about the action that initiated my dilemma.
My thoughts were starting to bubble up in my mind past what I could control though, so I settled for a compromise.
"I can't say everything, but I suppose I can give you the basic premise of what's wrong. There is one certain thing I did several times a few weeks back, and it influenced another person. I don't regret what happened. I don't want to change the choice I made. Still, as these weeks have gone by I've found that there's a big difference between what I believed I would feel in the aftermath versus what I actually feel. I'm afraid that difference will end up causing some friction with this other person involved." I explained as simply and non-specifically as possible.
I was glad I was dealing with Mimosa in this moment. Even with me doing my best to not dive in to what actually happened, I feel like anyone else could work out or at least grow suspicious about what I was truly talking about. Mimosa, on the other hand, had a difficult time not taking things at face value. That could cause problems sometimes, but in this situation it allowed her to try to genuinely help me without making it all a focus on pestering me to reveal the whole truth.
"Is there an option to talk to this other person about the difference? Or will that just make him or her upset?"
"Most likely."
"And what will not talking to him or her do?"
"Probably lead to a similar result, unless he or she happens to be very understanding." I scoffed.
I frowned before sighing.
"I was going to talk to this person at first, because that's what I've been taught to do in these situations. Be honest. I can't help if I feel a certain way, and letting them know that even if it hurts them is better than letting them believe in a lie. That's obvious. However, I guess the other big issue is that I'm not sure of what I feel yet. I don't understand why I'm feeling what I am, and maybe my whole outlook can shift to how I expected it would be if I try to ride things out a bit longer."
"So I guess you have to see if you can answer why your emotions are a certain way as well as how likely they are to change." Mimosa reasoned.
"I have no idea how to figure out either though. That's what I've been driving myself crazy over these past weeks, and it's gotten me nowhere."
"Is there anyone else besides this person involved who might be able to give you some answers?"
"Maybe," I shrugged, "But...I don't really want to tell anyone what happened because it's embarrassing. Not because of what I did, but because of others getting to know what I did."
Mimosa got a smirk on her face I didn't like.
"I'm trying not to pry here, but you're making me very curious, Coal," she said merrily, "It's rare to have you keeping something so secretive."
"Exactly why I'm doing my best to keep this quiet. Everyone's growing suspicious enough without me throwing these little hints around."
Our conversation was cut short by Holly calling for her sister. I planned to stay on the jungle gym to sulk for a few moments more, but Mimosa couldn't leave before sitting on the edge of the hole and patting my cheek before she slid down the pole.
"Cheer up, Coal. There's no need to be gloomy. You always figure things out and do what's best in the end. I'm sure you and this other person will be fine." she comforted.
"Yeah." I agreed uncertainly.
Mimosa smiled, ruffled my hair, and then was gone. I rested my palm on my cheek and mulled my thoughts together. I attempted to cheer myself up by repeating how Mimosa and I had come back together after that time of tension. However, we had only gone on one date where I was half sure of the result even before going into it. Candy and I though...
I got a break from my worries for a while. Holly was calling everyone together because she wanted to get a game of soccer going. The match rapidly boiled down to Midas and I on one team facing off against Azure and Rosemary. Holly had been on their team since Midas and I were the better soccer players, but Holly rolled her ankle less than a minute after we started. She joined Mimosa, who refused to play and was the referee instead. It was a weird game what with it being two-on-two, but I think things worked out well. They worked out well for Midas and I anyway.
"And that's goal number six!" Midas cheered when Azure failed spectacularly at stopping the ball from going into the net yet again.
"I can walk instead of run to give you two a sporting chance. Heck, I can even sit out for a bit. You might be able to get one goal then." I taunted our opponents.
"Stuff it, Vivid!" Azure, picking grass off his arm, barked.
"I don't know. It sounds like a good idea to me." Rosemary said.
"Seriously?" Azure frowned.
"Hey, I'm the one doing all the running and work!" Rosemary pointed out, "All you're doing is standing at the goal, and you're not even doing a halfway decent job of blocking it."
"Ahh, shut up."
He did switch things up after that and help Rosemary dribble the ball. The change in strategy got them two goals, but Midas and I naturally still won the victory that we assured ourselves.
He and I could have gone on with the match for much longer, but for whatever reason Azure and Rosemary were eager to end it. Having gotten riled up and a bit warm from the running, I paired up with Holly. She and I walked around the playground chatting about nonsense. Until...
"So, random question here," Holly began after a long pause, "You got any interest in letting me in on what's been bothering you?"
"Have the three of you planned this?" I instantly burst out laughing.
"Have what three of us planned what?" Holly questioned back in confusion.
"First Mary asked me about my problem, Mimosa asked me next, and now you're wanting to talk to me about it. Is it Midas' turn next? Was coming out to this playground nothing more than an intervention to whittle me down into revealing everything?" I jokingly put the pieces together.
"No. Nothing like that. I didn't know Mimi and Mary spoke to you already too. This is just the first moment I had to speak to you alone today, and I wanted to see if I could help you out." Holly shrugged.
The smile I wore immediately slipped off my expression. Something about the way she said that, something about the way she moved and glanced towards the ground- it was all horribly sad. Disappointed and dejected.
"You alright?" I wondered in concern.
"I'm fine," Holly reassured, but the smile she forced wasn't a happy one, "It's just...well, maybe it's silly, but I'm always thinking back to that one argument we had. Back when we were kids at the park, and you were yelling at the rest of us about how we were ignoring the hurt you held and not doing anything about it because we couldn't face its unpleasantness. I still feel bad about what I said, and I can recall so easily how useless I felt when you started to cry. I had no idea what to do. I just let everyone else take charge while I followed along."
With a heavy sigh, she transfixed her stare on the concrete and fiddled her fingers timidly.
"I became determined after that day to help you however I could. To be there when you needed me. But, you never come to me. You always talk to Mimosa or Mary, and by the time I hear about things you already have it figured out. I'm not trying to put the blame on you. I'm really not. I simply can't help but wonder if maybe I've done something to make you not trust me as much. I know I've bullied and teased you a lot more than the other two have..."
"Holly, no, that...that's not it at all," I countered right away, lightly horrified, "I trust you just fine. Maybe somehow I do instinctively end up getting advice from Mimosa and Mary more often, but you're the one I've told the actual truth to the most. They get the problem. You get the honesty, and that's specifically because I have full belief that you won't go blabbing anything."
Holly looked up at me hopefully, and when a tiny, sheepish expression appeared on her face I ruffled her hair much like Mimosa had done to me.
"I'll tell you everything eventually. I just need more time to sort everything out first by myself. That sort of thing." I promised.
"Right," Holly nodded, speaking softly, "I seriously should have known that. Sorry for being silly."
"There's no need for that. I want you to be able to talk to me too." I pointed out.
"Right." Holly repeated, chuckling lightly.
Time to sort through my thoughts and feelings without everyone interfering never came. I kept on being approached how Rosemary, Mimosa, and Holly approached me that day by this person and that person and that person over there too. Even on days where I thought I would be safe there was no escaping the curiosity. For example, I went over to Azure's aunt's house, and Cattleya tried to get the truth out of me as well. The worst prodding, however, came from my own family.
"Is that Candy?" mom asked me one day as I stood texting next to her while we made cheesesteaks outside on the grill.
"No, I'm talking to Desi."
"Oh," mom said, and the disappointment was apparent, "You know, you two haven't been hanging out much anymore."
"That's because she went down with Pris to Tinseltown."
"Candy, you goof," mom corrected, and she gave me a look because she knew that I knew she hadn't been talking about my sister, "You should text Candy to see if she wants to come over for dinner tonight. She can even bring her parents if she wants."
"Okay." I agreed.
I said that, but my fingers were heavy against the screen. It took me twice as long to get the words I wanted because what I typed the first time was completely incomprehensible.
"She says her parents are out, and that she doesn't have money for the bus or a taxi." I relayed when I got an answer back.
"We can pick her up then."
"How? Uncle Blaze has your car, and Uncle Eden and Aunt Deny have dad's since theirs has a flat tire."
"I can give you the money for the bus or a taxi so you can go to her apartment to then bring her here." mom offered.
"Do you know how long that would take?" I instantly protested.
"Coal." mom said shortly.
"Fine," I sighed, and I sent another message Candy's way, "She says not to bother. It's too much trouble for me, and she already has a pizza on the way anyway."
"Alright then."
Mom definitely didn't sound pleased with me, but she let the matter drop. I can't say I wasn't relieved with the outcome from both sides.
Not that I was avoiding Candy. Not completely anyway, because I was avoiding her a little bit.
"Your sisters certainly know how to keep you busy." Candy spoke that one afternoon we did meet up.
It was getting closer towards the end of summer vacation, and I had gathered my courage to meet Candy at the Arboretum Park. I had brought one half of a picnic, and she had brought the other. The two of us relaxed near one of the fountains after eating.
"I'm sorry about that. My mom's been busy going down to visit her mom as much as she can since her health is decreasing rapidly, and Uncle Blaze has a bunch of stuff keeping him all over the place too. That leaves me as the only chaperone for Ceri and Glade and all their activities." I explained.
What I could never say, because it naturally made me feel like giant jerk, was that more often than not I stealthily prodded my sisters into participating in events around town or even straight up offering to take them places in order to have an excuse for why I couldn't go out.
"I know," Candy said sympathetically, linking my arm in her hands, "Your family always seems to be juggling a million issues, and I get that it's difficult not having your dad around to help. I totally get it."
"Thanks," I grinned, "But I do still feel sorry that we haven't had much time to meet up."
Candy shook her head before resting it against my shoulder and cuddling me closer.
Was I a total asshole? I felt like a total asshole. On one hand I wanted any reason I could get to never have to see Candy again, and on the other hand I was genuinely frustrated at not being able to see her more despite that largely being my fault. It wasn't like I hated hanging out with her. I loved hanging out with her. We talked easily as we always did. We laughed a lot like we normally did. I would wish that we wouldn't have to part, but then when she would lean in to kiss me or something I wished for it to be over as quickly as possible. But, then again, it wasn't that I hated the kissing either. I liked Candy kissing me. I wanted her to keep doing it. I wanted her to cuddle against me. I wanted the more we had had before. The problem was that something about it didn't feel right. There was something about us trying to be intimate in even the slightest way that screamed at me that it was all wrong.
"Maybe we can try to make it to that Cedar Thrills amusement park before summer ends?" Candy proposed when it was time for her to leave.
"We'll try. My schedule really is...all over the place." I gave the same kind of answer I had been given her a while now.
Candy nodded then, and that was when I could see more solemn emotions flittering about in her eyes. Disappointment, annoyance, sadness, and those kind of things. I wondered how many of them she was holding back, and hardly a month and a half ago we would have had no issue discussing the problem. Now it was a secret Candy was forced to keep.
Desperate to do anything to remedy the situation in any possible way, I initiated a kiss for the first time in a long time. Candy was rather startled by it than delighted, but she seemed more confident when she left the park to head home. I waved her goodbye and watched her go. Thankfully, it didn't take long before she was out of sight. A massive exhale left my lips, and my shoulders shrugged forward as Candy being gone took away my reason to keep up a happy face.
"Aaagghh! I don't know what to do! Someone just tell me what to do," I spoke to myself bitterly, "I'm trying not to be a bad person. I'm at a complete loss though. Nothing's improving when I hoped it would, and it won't be long before we're both absolutely miserable."
Of course, I anticipated no response. There was absolutely no one else around. That meant my heart got a great shock when movement behind me on my left caught my attention. It was like there was a rapid dash of pink light in the corner of my vision, and I swore there was some melodic tinkling sound coming from the same direction. However, there was nothing there when I whipped my head around.
"Seriously, I guess I'm going crazy. There's apparently too much pink in my life." I scoffed.
With another heaving exhale, I turned to go pack up my part of the picnicking supplies so I could head home.
I didn't consider myself exactly a religious type, although I wasn't against the idea of there being something after death, but what happened when I got home had me slightly pondering about the stranger forces in the universe. There I had stood begging for someone to tell me what to do, and as soon as I went up the stairs I spotted Uncle Blaze standing outside his room. It wasn't like he was standing there for fun. Uncle Blaze was waiting for someone. Me. He was waiting for me.
"Kid, come over here." he beckoned.
The first thing I assumed was that I was in trouble. Uncle Blaze was rarely serious like he was in that moment unless something bad had happened or someone needed a good lecture. I hesitated as I wondered what in the world I might have done wrong, but I complied and moved forward a second later.
It was weird going into Uncle Blaze's room. That was because I still saw it as Wisp's room, especially since Uncle Blaze had done nothing to change it around. Him moving a side table out of the way so he could set the two armchairs facing each other was the first time he'd so much as tilted one thing an inch in a different direction as far as I was aware.
"Sit." Uncle Blaze instructed me again.
I nervously sat. The mild shifting I did grew worse when he sat down across from me. The expression on Uncle Blaze's face was so bizarre, and that made me think that maybe I wasn't in trouble. The idea that some news about dad had finally come to light popped into my head. It definitely wouldn't be good news. I was sure it would be something like his long rotted corpse had been dug up in some farmer's field or whatever.
"You're almost eighteen, Coal," Uncle Blaze started whatever he clearly had to say, "You're already older than Am was when Ethereal became pregnant and he stepped up to help her. Since you're his son and very much like him, I know that means you've got an incredibly good head on your shoulders. You're competent at handling difficult things, and so I try not to step in unless I feel that you've somehow bitten off more than you can chew. This feels like one of those times."
"Huh?"
"Something's gone horribly wrong with you and Candy. I want you to tell me about it."
"Oh."
Pfft. There I had gone getting way ahead of myself. I was both relieved and disappointed we were doing nothing other than coming back to my disheveled not-a-relationship relationship.
Uncle Blaze scooted forward.
"I hope you know you can say anything to me and it will be in total confidence." he encouraged further.
"No, I know. And, I guess since I can't get through one day without someone trying to prompt the information out I might as well go ahead and just say it. Everyone was suspicious of something between me and Candy, and, no shock, we basically have been dating. We never saw a reason to make it official, and I can't really give an answer as to why. All I can say is that everything was perfectly fine. Then...and then..." I took a deep breath to force the words out, "And then we slept together."
"Really?" Uncle Blaze answered the instant my last syllable was out of my mouth.
There was nothing about the way he spoke that was shocked or disgusted, but he wasn't the type to get that way over news like this. I had to laugh because the almost cutesy, excited way he asked that question made it sound like I had admitted I was planning on proposing or something.
"Really," I confirmed, "The first time was that day I snuck out to meet her at the beach. I told everyone else when I got home that her friends had been there too, but they had actually all bailed. Candy purposely invited me to her home later on that afternoon because her parents were out on vacation, and eventually...y'know. It happened two more times after that."
"And how did it go?" Uncle Blaze continued in the same tone as before.
"Fine," I really had trouble not laughing, "I suppose I can say all three times even went well. The first time was a bit tricky though. Candy was very grabby at the beach and when we got started, but once things got going she froze up quite a bit. I took things slow until she got comfortable again, I eventually remembered some of the, uh, techniques you were so determined to describe to me back when you gave me all those lectures, and, um, yeah, we both had a good time. The second and third time there weren't any problems at all."
"Good, good. And I'm sure you were safe about it too?"
"Candy's on birth control anyway since she has horrible period cramps, but we used a condom each time regardless."
"Good." Uncle Blaze repeated once more, nodding in satisfaction.
He sank back in his chair and folded his arms. A laugh similar to mine escaped his lips.
"You're definitely your father's son in a lot of ways, but you're a lot different to him than he was to Coal. Which is kinda weird when you think about it, because you got to know Am whereas he didn't get to know Coal. You would think you two would be more similar than him and his father. Anyway, I'm going to tell you something you probably don't know and maybe don't want to know. Towards the beginning of Ethereal's pregnancy with Wisp once the nausea got under control, she became super crazy horny. It just happens. All that extra blood and whatnot. Ethereal, despite trying to be level-headed, was constantly getting on poor Am in a way she'd never done before. Am was incredibly skilled at remaining calm and not being persuaded."
"But I'm different in that way," I said, getting exactly where he was going, "If we put me in dad's position and Candy in mom's, even if we hadn't already slept together, I would have then."
"And there's nothing wrong with that," Uncle Blaze reassured, "You already know my stance on sex. As long as the people involved are consenting and respectful of each other, go the hell for it. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that you having sex and having these differences from your father is exactly what's causing your problems. If you could elaborate specifically on what's gone wrong since you and Candy got together, I think we can get to the root of this rather quickly."
"I...I guess I started to notice it actually right before we slept together that third time. I thought it was just because the novelty was wearing off, but I wasn't as nearly caught up in it as I was before. I enjoyed myself, but that deep, intense, I dunno what to call it...connection? Whatever that had been there between us was fading, and it's been fading ever since then. I like Candy kissing me and I like her holding onto me, but I can't get my heart beating fast around her anymore. I've stopped feeling nervous when she's around. I know that obviously means I'm not as into her as I was before, but I don't understand why. After sleeping with her, shouldn't my feelings have gotten stronger? Shouldn't I like her more now?"
The expression on my uncle's face returned returned to being serious. There was a reluctant, knowing glimmer in his eye, and I didn't like it one bit.
"If you were truly in love with Candy, you'd be right. You sleeping together would have most likely brought you much closer. However, you weren't in love with her. You were in lust with her," Uncle Blaze revealed, and he instantly continued to cover me up when I protested, "And I don't mean that in the sense that you were only using her for sex. At least not consciously, and therein lies the huge distinction between being a sleazy asshole and a boy growing into a man learning and identifying the continual surge of changes going on with his body. The awakening of your natural instincts to be attracted to a person, the jolt of their pleasant enticement, and your unfamiliarity with the differences between that simple attraction and what's real is the basis of what's led to this dilemma."
I earned a sympathetic smile from him at my pouting at the idea that what Uncle Blaze was saying could seriously be true. I had definitely fallen in love with Candy. Right? I couldn't be that shallow to have only fallen for her because I wanted to sleep with her, consciously or not. It sounded horrible to me either way.
"They say that each time a father hugs his child his libido decreases dramatically, and that the more children he has the less he craves sex. I'm sure there's real statistics out there for that, but I can back it up with my own personal experience- for it's exactly what happened to me once I became Coal and Desi's babysitter for Am. It's a natural situation, and what you're going through is natural too. You're a physically normal teenage boy, and so you've got the urge to reproduce. The urge to do the action that leads to reproduction anyway. You got what your body was really telling you that you wanted. You've 'hugged your child' so to speak. Now the promptings for it have faded away. I don't know how else to put it any other way."
I could tell he added that last sentence because of the remaining dismal expression on my face.
"No, I get what you're saying. It makes perfect sense," I reassured softly, "I think I just don't want to accept it as what's happening. I don't want it to be my hormonal changes or whatever making me think I loved Candy. I want to love her. I really like her."
That sad, sympathetic smile still on his face, Uncle Blaze reached forward to gently pet my hair.
"And I'm sure that you do love her- to some extent. That you're so conflicted helps prove that. I believe these past weeks have been you realizing those budding emotions are there, but also that they're not enough to sustain the kind of relationship you built up in your mind that you'd have. I think that's where growing up in this household and everyone comparing you to Am has made things difficult. Coal and Desi were as much of a high school sweetheart type couple as you could get. Am and Ethereal did a bit more experimenting, but they still got together in high school and remained together ever since. That's the kind of family you come from. If I had to guess, I would say that you were thinking that sort of outcome was on the cards for you as well. That you had found your first love, and she would be your true love."
"I...a little..."
Uncle Blaze kept petting my hair for several seconds more before he pulled back.
"So, like what was a more realistic expectation, you had a typical high school romance. The feelings came quickly, and they departed the same way. Now you have to figure out what you want to do from here."
"Can I ask you something then? Do you think there's a chance I could build up actual feelings for Candy? From how she's treated me, it looks like her attraction to me is more genuine than mine was to her. Maybe I could learn to love her properly now that the distraction of sex is out of the way?" I wondered.
"I wouldn't say it's impossible. Definitely not. I would reason it would be difficult though. And, this is where we come to the conclusion I was certain we would reach at some point- you would have to do a lot of talking and being honest with her. You two already need to have a long talk considering how much you've been avoiding her, and don't tell me you haven't been. I could tell that's what you were doing the instant you became so eager to drive Ceri and Glade everywhere."
"Fine." I mumbled quietly.
Silence persisted for a slightly uncomfortable long time. Uncle Blaze was wearing another strange expression, and I couldn't determine if he was waiting for me to say something more or if he was thinking. Whatever he originally intended, it turned out to be the latter.
"Coal, I hope you don't mind me saying it, but since you put the question out there I feel as if I have to give you my personal opinion in addition to giving you the advice I'm required to give you. I don't think it's impossible for you and Candy to get together for real, but I think it's highly unlikely. It's more guaranteed that Candy will find starting over from scratch not worth the effort or something like that."
"Yeah, probably." I agreed dismally.
"But, like I said, what needs to be done is to talk to her. Our family has lucked out so far in many aspects. You and Candy could very well prove me wrong, and I'd be happy to be wrong. Candy is a good girl."
"She is."
I was looked straight in the eye when Uncle Blaze leaned forward, as serious as he could possibly be.
"Promise me you'll talk to her soon then? Put the poor girl out of her misery by giving her some answers?"
"I'll talk to her." I nodded confidently.
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