The morning after Ninnor's birth did not start off well. Things seemed fine at first. Eiji, whom I've instructed quite a bit in cooking since we've met, prepared a filling breakfast for us all. Then we went our separate ways to properly get our day going. I just finished cleaning the dishes when I heard commotion coming from the sun room. I rushed over to see Pararil standing there looking absolutely distraught. He had gone to feed Rica, only to find that she had died some time during the night. Though he didn't shed a tear, Pararil was naturally depressed throughout the rest of the day. It was hard for all of us to watch him bury the poor bird in the backyard.
Things got worse me as well. Eiji took a phone call, and when he returned he revealed his parents would be arriving in Monte Vista tomorrow. That is quite a few days earlier than we were expecting. Eiji was excited, but I became horribly nervous. A feeling quite similar to the one I had just before I was called to this task entered my heart. I hid it from Eiji as best I could. I don't want to offend him by letting him know that I absolutely do not want to meet his parents.
So it was very hard to walk downstairs the next morning when the doorbell rang. Eiji could see I was nervous, but he had no idea just how strong the thoughts of protest in my mind really were. He gently prodded me along until we finally reached the door. I left Eiji to open the door and greet his parents. It only took a brief glance to see that Eiji was a near copy of his father, at least in looks. I tried to imagine Eiji's personality on Mr. Hugh. It didn't work at all, and it didn't alleviate my tension in the slightest as I had been hoping. Eiji's father and mother have such intimidating figures.
Thankfully, Eiji saw that my nervousness was much worse than he originally thought. As the four of us began to socialize, he did most of the introductions and talking. I did introduce Pararil, Galaran, and Herindur before they left the house. They had wisely decided to spend the day ice skating. I only wish that I could join them instead of being here. I wonder if what I'm feeling now is similar to what Eiji feels when he has no choice but to attend the family reunion that he dreads so much.
It was seeing my three other sons that finally brought Mr and Mrs. Hugh's attention to the whole reason they had come here- Londuil and Ninnor. Once I saw how gently and kindly they interacted with their grandchildren, I did begin to feel a little better. Perhaps Eiji's parent's hearts were actually softer than I was making them out to be. If a man like Eiji can come from such a serious-looking pair, then they have to have a sense of humor somewhere within them.
Unfortunately, the relief that I found did not last long. It didn't last long at all. We went back downstairs to talk some more, and Mrs. Hugh was quick to comment on how Londuil looked absolutely nothing like Eiji. I froze up a bit, not sure how to defend myself, but Eiji did it for me. He said that he knew without a doubt that both children were his. He offered for explanation that it was just my strong elvish genes that over-powered even his darker traits. I tried not to smile. Both Eiji and I have no idea if such a statement is actually true. It's just something we've casually discussed. Mr. and Mrs. Hugh luckily accepted the reasoning though, and normal talking continued.
It was half an hour later, just when I was starting to get comfortable, when the conversation took a turn I never would have imagined occurring. Everything fell apart.
Out of the blue, Mr. Hugh asked when Eiji and I were to be married. The two of us looked at each other in hesitation before Eiji revealed it was something we never discussed. Mrs. Hugh sounded quite reprimanding when she said that we must soon. We need to take care of the matter before Londuil and Ninnor get much older. Eiji answered by saying we would consider it, but I had to open my big mouth and speak words I now wish I'd never even thought to say.
I admitted that the truth is that Eiji and I will never be able to marry. It's just something I cannot do. The room went very silent. Even Ninnor stopped his cooing from the sudden tension. Mr. and Mrs. Hugh looked at each other as if they couldn't believe I had the audacity to say such a thing. Eiji looked terribly hurt. He asked me why I didn't want to be with him, and his parents demanded to know what about their son wasn't good enough for me. My mouth turned dry for I saw that I had unknowingly dived headfirst into the deepest, darkest hole immaginable.
I tried to make things better by saying there was nothing wrong with Eiji, and I'm not against the idea of marrying him, but that I just can't. Of course, they all wanted to know the reason why I couldn't marry Eiji. The more I dodged their questions, the more upset they became. I wanted to hide the truth as best I could. I knew they wouldn't like it any better than the weak explanation I was giving them then. Mr. and Mrs. Hugh's questioning got so intense though.
They wore me down until I had nothing left but to stutter except the truth. I told them everything. I told them of my kind's history, my own childhood, the Goddess' order, what kind of experiences I've gone through here, the laws stating that I could never marry a man who will be able to be with me properly if I marry Eiji or let him move in with me, and so on.
I poured my heart out to them. They listened intently, but the truth did only make things worse. Mr. and Mrs. Hugh stared at me like I was absolutely crazy. It was easy enough to see that they thought I was making so much of my story up just so I could have an excuse to sleep with as many men as I want without consequence. Eiji looked even more hurt, but he grew angry as well. He said, quite bitterly, now he saw that he was nothing more to me than another body to provide what I need. I was only interested in him because I needed another child. I tried as desperately as I could to explain that what he was saying and thinking wasn't the case at all.
None of them believed me in the slightest.
I did my best not to give up, but it wasn't too much later when Eiji's father and mother said they had to excuse the three of them back to Eiji's house so they could talk in private. I had to watch someone I care about walk away from me yet again. I know Eiji and I will have to meet again, this mess of a situation is nowhere near over, but what we'd had can never be again. I want to be angry at Eiji and his parents for not accepting my words, but I knew the conflict was all my fault.
Unlike with Charlie, I hadn't been careful. I had never thought to give Eiji the same courtesies as I had given to the last man who I became so attached to. I might've let Eiji know my other children had different fathers, but he just assumed I had terrible luck with finding a decent man to love. I spoke not a word of the task that lays on my shoulders. I let him believe in a dream that I could do nothing with other than crush. I really should have known better. Why did I let myself believe that I could be so happy with there being no repercussions?
Maybe I should have lied to Eiji and his parents. I could have made an excuse that the papers that allow me in the country don't give me the ability to marry legally. And yet, what would have happened when the time for me to bear another child arrived? It's not like I would've been able to go to Eiji and tell him that I have to have another child, and I hope he doesn't mind too much that I have to sleep with another man. And then another man after that. And then a dozen more after them. It would make Eiji rightly furious. It would be even worse to try and deceive Eiji that all the all the children of the men I've slept with behind his back are his. The option of postponing the task until Eiji dies is the most impossible out of all of them.
No, lying only would have delayed this horribly inevitable moment. This is the punishment I must face for my negligence.
I took Londuil and Ninnor, who of course had no idea what was going on, back upstairs to our room. I played with them quietly for I had no idea where or what I was supposed to do from this point on. Even Londuil's loud laughter couldn't make me feel any better. There was still some things of Eiji's scattered about the room. Seeing those things made it impossible to think of anything else. They made me want to curl up in a ball, and fade out of existence. When I could finally stand it no longer, I hurriedly put Eiji's belongings in a box and placed them downstairs.
I heard nothing from Eiji or his parents for the rest of the day. Honestly, it was very hard to have only silence from them. It makes me feel as if I'm going to be buried in this hole I've tripped into. When Pararil, Galaran, and Herindur arrived home, I had no choice but to tell them the news. Herindur was upset, but Pararil and Galaran were furious. They couldn't believe Eiji would turn on me so easily. They tried to leave the house to go set Eiji and Mr. and Mrs. Hugh straight. I stopped them before the two of them could get out the front door. It took a lot of time to convince them that what they wanted to do would only escalate the problem further.
Pararil and Galaran were reluctant, but they agreed to stay home.
It was so quiet in my room that night. I haven't felt so disturbed by such silence since those first couple weeks in Appaloosa Plains. Londuil and Ninnor went to sleep quickly. I think they could sense my distress, and all the negativity tired them out. I, however, shifted uncomfortably in my sheets as I attempted to rest. It was as I lay there alone in bed that I felt Eiji's missing presence the most. It was perhaps an hour later when I gave up, and realized I needed someone there next to me. Thankfully, Londuil didn't seem to mind being moved to my bed. Cuddling with him finally allowed sleep to find me.
I didn't feel that much better when I woke up the following morning. Part of my accepted what occurred yesterday, and the other part still couldn't comprehend how everything had turned to ashes so quickly. All three boys were unusually quiet as they ate breakfast. I didn't know what I could say to them to make them feel better.
It was an hour after Pararil, Galaran, and Herindur left for school that a knock on the door echoed throughout the house. I knew who it would be before I even opened the door. Eiji was there standing on my porch. I was silently relieved that he came alone. However entitled his parents feel to making the decision as to what happens now between Eiji and I, the reality is that only Eiji and I can make a choice. While Eiji didn't look angry as he had yesterday, he obviously wasn't very happy either. I let him in. However, I didn't have a clue as to what to say. I knew even less about how to begin apologizing to him.
Eiji was quiet for a bit too. He then sighed loudly, and told me that he really wanted me to know the truth. He had to warn me that his parents wanted me to give custody of Londuil and Ninnor over to him. They would do anything to make it happen. They were even willing to take me to the courts here if I didn't agree willingly. I was stunned by the news. Why would they want to do such a thing to me? Eiji revealed that from everything that happened yesterday, his parents now firmly believe that I'm some skanky elf woman using a made-up deity and task to justify sleeping with whomever I want. I couldn't let it sink in that that's what they really think of me, even if I realized such were their thoughts yesterday.
I pleaded to Eiji. I know that he's not pleased with me, but surely he knows that I am not at all that kind of person. He does know, Eiji agreed, but it's proving very difficult to convince his parents otherwise. He reminded me of how he told me how opinionated and narrow-minded they can be. They think I will set a terrible example for Londuil and Ninnor, and that is why they want custody given to him. Eiji really doesn't want to take them away by force though. He became really nervous looking then.
Eiji started slowly by saying he thinks he has come up with an idea that might not satisfy everybody, but one that will be the best compromise. Eiji says that I should keep Londuil, but Ninnor should go to live with him.
I copied Eiji's actions, in that I was silent before letting out a long sigh. It took me a moment to force the words out of my mouth, but I went ahead and agreed with Eiji. It was alright with me if Ninnor went to live with him. It was Eiji's turned to be shocked. He never dreamed that I would come around so fast. I told him that it was only fair. Besides, his house is only a fifteen minute walk away. It would not be as if Eiji was taking my son somewhere where I would never see him again.
Eiji became awfully guilty looking, and I realized I had brought up a topic he had been avoiding. My heart faltered for a few seconds when Eiji admitted the truth. He had only moved here because he thought we would eventually live together. Now with everything broken as it is, Eiji's decided that he's going to move back to his old place. He's only renting his place here, his old home hasn't been sold, his job will transfer back easily enough, and he will be close to his family again.
I couldn't believe him!
How could he think I would give up one of my precious sons to live so far away? Given Eiji's parents opinion of me, they would probably refuse as much contact between Ninnor and I as possible. I took back my agreement right away. Ninnor will never leave. Eiji apologized, but reminded me that Londuil and Ninnor are his sons as well. He has just as much of a right to them as I do. We both know that with my temporary citizenship, I would definitely lose custody if I went to court. Everyone would be on his side, not mine.
Eiji said it would take some time for him to move properly back to his old place, and he doesn't want to move either child until he's ready to take care of them. I have until Ninnor's first birthday to make up my mind. Whether I give up two sons or one will be my choice.
Without saying a single word more, I thrust the box of Eiji's things I collected into his arms before walking away. I caught an apology leave his lips one more time before he left the house. I could do nothing other than go to my room and lay down on my bed. What choice Eiji has given me is even worse than the whole decision on whether or not to give Lothirien to Charlie. I wish even more than before that Charlie was still alive. Perhaps he would be the one who would be able to show Eiji and Mr. and Mrs. Hugh that they have nothing to fear from letting my sons stay here.
I wanted to cry, but I stopped myself. I got my emotions under control. I still have time to make things right. I can still hope......
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