Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Starting the Task

Several days passed, and I found myself relaxing more as I steadily became more accustomed to my surroundings. What also helped was that I discovered it was possible for me to sell the little animal house in the back of my yard that I had no use for. Not only was I able to obtain a fair sum of money for it, but not having to worry about painting so much to earn money allowed me to get out of my house. The town of Appaloosa Plains began opening up to me as I wandered along its streets. To my joyous surprise, I learned the town contained something called a horse park. Many horses were stored there, and there was plentiful room to go for a ride. I eagerly jumped at my first chance to make a trip to such a wonderful sounding location. To be around horses again would certainly raise my spirits. Also, I considered in the back of my mind that I might come across the opportunity of meeting men who had similar interests to me. I really did need to make the acquaintance of  more men than Mr. Donahue.

When I reached the center, it dawned on me why my parents chose to send me to this place. Although much of it was very different from home, I truly was able to find some peace being around all the horses and other animals. However, I wondered for just how long would this town's beauty and serenity be appealing to me. I was not nearly naive enough to think I wouldn't outgrow this place or lose interest. Fate and reality would have everyone and everything around me shift, but I would remain relatively unchanged. I knew what this town could offer me would fade at some point, and I would be stuck if I were to linger.

To my relief, there were several humans inside the stable. I introduced myself to one of the men- Johnny Johnson. The men here seemed to find my formal greetings amusing. Mr. Johnson chuckled went I greeted him in my formal manner. I was unsure whether this worked to my advantage or not. Whether because of my greeting or not, Mr. Johnson was definitely interested in me. Unfortunately, he revealed to me that he was married. I would have to leave him be. I knew I should have cursed discovering such information as bad luck. If all I met was married men, I would never get anywhere with what I had to do. I was secretly hoping that I would never find a man suitable for involvement with the task. If nothing progressed because there simply wasn't anyone to help me, then perhaps the whole thing could be called off and I could be allowed back home.

Mr. Johnson wanted to continue conversing with me, but I wished our talking would stop as there was no reason for us to keep interacting. I had been trying to find a polite way to excuse myself when someone else provided the distraction I needed. A man who I would later find out was named Mr. Bertram Bedlington suddenly passed out behind us. Everyone gasped loudly in shock, but that shock kept everyone frozen to their spot as no one went over to help him. It was a good thing then that Mr. Bedlington recovered swiftly on his own before announcing that he was alright. What caused him to faint in the first place was something I would never know. With Mr. Johnson preoccupied, I did have that opportunity to take my leave and head back outside.

There I met another man, Mr. Rodney Singleton. His name reflected his engagement status, for I found out that he did not have a woman close to his heart. It was exciting that he was eager to hear about my culture instead of going on about himself as Mr. Donahue and Mr. Johnson had. More than that, his attitude was severely more polite. Even by the end of our conversation I felt as if I had forged a small friendship with him. And yet, I remained hesitant about taking any more steps closer to the inevitable moment. I understood the small bond I had made with him was the progression I had needed, but each step forward was a step forward to that moment I feared with a great fear. My time was running out. Such a thought scared me. Just the idea of the act unnerved me so much that I had to take my leave.

I returned home in a mild daze. The tedious job of cleaning the surfaces of my house had never before been appealing. At that moment it gave my mind a much welcome distraction though. Night soon arrived, and the silence did not affect me as my mind was too worried to notice the quiet. I calmed down somewhat after preparing for bed and then crawling into my sheets. However, I was wholly unaware what I dreaded the most would come to pass the very next day.

It was mid-day when the little rectangle device I had been given started to make noise. I nearly jumped a mile high when the ringing started. I would have smashed it against the wall in fear if Mr. Singleton had not explained to me yesterday what the purpose of the device was. It seemed like magic to me. He called it technology. I saw little difference, but then I understood little of how the machines of the humans world truly function. It was Mr. Singleton himself who was contacting me. It was a strange experience hearing his voice come from nothing. When I answered his question, he laughed and said it wasn't required of me to speak so loud. I hadn't been aware that my voice would be picked up easily, and had wanted to be sure he would hear me. The two of us conversed for quite some time. Mr. Singleton then requested to meet with me at the tavern later that evening.

I knew then that tonight was going to be the momentous tipping point of everything. There was a premonition swirling powerfully within my chest that told me my life would change forever if I went to that tavern. I understood that I could back out. It was perfectly possible for me to ignore what I had been sent here to do. I could refuse the order, and demand that the Goddess find some other method of saving the world. Then I could remain as the woman I was. But, if refusal had only been a realistic option...

I had to bring myself to face the cruel reality that doing what I wanted by not doing anything would be little different than the exile I would have faced had I chosen to initially deny the order. Whether by the Goddess' will or my own, I was exiled either way. The only option I had of ridding myself of my burden was by going to that tavern and taking the real first step.

All of my thinking had happened within the few seconds of pause I was granted after Mr. Singleton made his request. With a heavy heart, but deceivingly eager voice...I agreed to meet him.

I nearly lost my mind waiting those several hours before I was due to be at the tavern. I surely had to have wore the floor down with all the mad pacing I was doing. I prayed each second that ada or Eloril or anyone would burst through the door telling me I didn't have to go through with this- that the order had been revoked. Naturally, no such situation occurred. The hours passed slowly, and before I knew it I was with Mr. Singleton at the tavern. Remaining polite, he ordered a drink for me as well as himself. What he picked was random as I had told him I had no preference. I wished afterwards that I had asked more about what was in the drink. The liquid was even heavier than then one I had tried before, and its taste burned. I struggled hard not to cough and gag when it ran down my throat. Thankfully, Mr. Singleton did not notice my loathing of what he had provided me. Not so thankfully, the drink did nothing to affect me as I hoped it would. I felt mildly warmer, but my mind was still seeing clearly. I reasoned after the two of us had a few more glasses of the beverage that my natural tolerance for such drinks was stronger than the human tolerance for it. I did have those extra few glasses. Mr. Singleton, however, only had one more before the alcohol began to unsteady him. I knew if I drank more I could become slightly inebriated, but I unfortunately could not do so. I still had to be conscious of my savings. The money I received from selling the little animal house would only last me for so long.

Rodney and I talked aimlessly for some time, and the evening grew later. I hoped desperately that night wouldn't actually lead to what I had been fearing. All my hopes were dashed when Mr. Singleton made the request for us to now spend time at my house instead. It was all too clear what he wanted, and what I had to do. My time had come, and the only thing I wished for in that moment was the choice to say "no." The truth was that "no" would never be an option in this Goddess given task. The lone thing that contributed to my will of consenting to the actual act was the thought of home.

Mr. Singleton did not hold back his desire when we arrived at my house. I'm sure he thought he was doing a fine job of being appealing to me. I was a good enough actor when all he did was say fancy words and glance flirtatiously my way. When he pressed his lips against mine for the first kiss, I was glad the alcohol really was affecting him otherwise he would have clearly see the disgust plastered all over my face. I almost punched him out of instinct when his hands began to wander. There was an instance shortly before I reached adulthood where one over-enthusiastic admirer of mine simply put his hand a little too low on my waist. I honestly had not been intended to punch him unconscious. No one at home blamed me though for even that kind of touching before marriage was entirely unacceptable. To let a still very unknown man suddenly have such access to my body was almost more than I could handle.

I believe I really did lose myself when I was lowered to the bed and Mr. Singleton went for his goal. I was horribly cold despite having his body against me. If there was pain, I did not feel it. If there had been any sort of instinctual pleasure, I did not notice it. All I was able to manage was keeping myself relaxed so Mr. Singleton could continue his initiative. Then the whole thing could be finished. It was a blessing that he did not expect any participation on my part. He sought pleasure solely for himself, and I let him have it so I could quickly get what I needed. How long that event took was lost on me. Mr. Singleton was accepting of my excuse of exhaustion when it was finally all done. I had told him I only desired rest, and while I had the strength to be courteous by extending him a shower or food from the kitchen he declined everything as he apparently had other matters to take care of. He must have thought he was being kind when he placed a kiss on my cheek before he departed, but I wished he hadn't.

I truly was exhausted. The act was both the source and not the source of my lack of energy. The physical act hadn't tired me, but the emotional and mental stress I then had to cope with was close to unbearable. I had willingly given myself over. I had given Mr. Singleton permission to do what he had done. Still, I felt violated. Such an encounter was not how I had wanted to give myself away. That man had no idea of the true weight of which he had taken. I had desired when my body changed during adolescence that my loss would be through the warm, wonderful, and loved-filled way the act was made out to be. However, I continued to shake from the cold and the steady loss of my control. I couldn't remain on the bed despite my desire to sleep and forget everything that had just occurred. Yet I couldn't remain on the bed where the worst event of my life had taken place. The more I struggled to push it all out of my mind the more it stuck to me. I shook harder.

Desperate for any sense of calm that I could find, I thought hard of ada and naneth, Eloril, Talron, and everything else I loved. It did more damage than good. I quickly realized with sadness that I was already no longer the person who had made all of those wonderful connections and memories. The eyes I was looking out of now were suddenly different from the eyes I saw through only two weeks ago. More than the act, the unexpected warping of the person I had been into the someone I couldn't recognize was what now caused me to shake harder yet as I failed to stand. I had not the strength to even make it to the couch in the living room. That night, I really did get to test if the floor was a more relaxing place to sleep than the bed......


Amiisay said...

Ahhh I love this!

Anonymous said...

This is sooo good! :) You have a talent for creative writing!!

Julie said...

:/ I hope this gets easier for her to bare!!!

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